At this point I can say whole heartedly that I HATE ADHD. I hate loving someone that will never get what you need them to get! I hate the blank stares and broken compromises. I hate the excuses that I can see right through. But most of all, I hate that the man I love will compromise on a big issues in our relationship and the very next week he breaks it for the 10th time! Is this normal to not be able to compromise? He knows his behavior with other women hurts me but he is constantly bringing them into our relationship. Example...we went out for the first time in 4 months to a local pub. He was sitting next to me while he was asking a married girl he hasn't seen in 6 years out for a beer. They talked and she agreed to meet him. He never told me and when I found out he tried to tell me that he planned on inviting me along. "Oh really!!!" So, because these little innocent things always seem to happen with him...we compromised that no longer will we have friends of the opposite sex. If we want to hang out in a group we each contact wives (for me) and husbands (for him) only. Well one week later he accepted a girl who he was with sexually when we were dating. It was a long time ago and he was friends with this girl before but we had just had the compromise of no more "girls that are friends" which included no more adding girls to Facebook. When I confronted him about her he said it was an accident, he did not mean to accept her, and he just decided to "leave her hanging" on Facebook. Yeah right it was an accident! I believe that like I believe all your other excuses for poor behavior. Anyway, not only does he not compromise I am starting to think he is mentally handicapped. He really does not get the simplest ideas and concepts. I was not getting sleep for 2 years. He has to wear a mask for snoring and when I say snoring I mean he will wake the dead! Its bad enough that he kept a person on the other side of the house up all night. Doors closed and TVs on. I would remind him every night to put his mask on, he would start dozing off and I would say put your mask on. Every damn night!!! He never wore it and always had an excuse. Every night! We finally broke up for it because I could not sleep in my own house. I was cranky and tired and falling asleep at work daily. I do not believe this is ADHD because I was reminding him every night! What is it about ADHD people and their lack of caring? What is it about how they make you believe they understand your hurt only to do it again the next day. Is this only ADHD or does my ex have something else? I understand that ADHD is forgetting but how do you forget one second later? How are you so dumb not to recognize that accepting a girl on Facebook, you hooked with while we were dating is not something that will make me feel good. Is he this dumb or is it ADHD to blame? Please help because if it is ADHD and he is starting meds will he get better and not treat me so poorly or is this girl-thing and not caring how I feel just because he is a complete turd! Some background...he is really kind to his mother and helps her out weekly on his own. He has had the same job for 11 years as a car body man. He never follows through unless someone holds his hands. He has a lot of female friends and just a few guy friends. He has gotten himself into trouble by talking about our relationship to anyone who will listen which in turn put a lot of people in conflict as he was airing laundry left and right which people became sick off so he has since lost a lot of his friends that are girls and in turned caused me pain because I do not like to have my private life out there with so many people I do not know. (He literally would talk to any girl who would listen! It was disturbing) I need help to decipher if this guy is a creep with ADHD or he is just misunderstood. Anyone out there with ADHD please respond as I would love to know if my ex really had a problem with not caring how I felt or is it ADHD? He wants to get back together and says he is on meds now and that he will not hurt me like he used to. (Which I have heard 100 times before). We dated 4 years and have been broken up a month and he has moved out.
ADHD Men and Other women/broken comprimises
Submitted by balcox25 on 02/08/2013.
Submitted by balcox25 on
First of all it is not the 'wang' particulates that I was trying to get across. It was the fact that we compromised on not having other girls in our relationship on his end, and guys on my end as friends because it was causing a rift. He would hide things, lie or say he forgot our compromise. So basically he was doing what he wanted, while I abided by the compromise we both agreed to. Not so much to do with "Wangs" as you called it, and more to do with going behind my back, disrespect and cheating early on in the relationship; which built distrust on my end and continues when I catch him in lies.
And yes Facebook is a little juvenile but it is in the world we live in! And social media is still factoring into our lives in ways we do not yet understand. The point was not Facebook as much as him having contact with the girl he cheated on my with while we were dating. Just thought I would point that out to you since you seemed to miss that!
And third I am airing my laundry here because it is anonymous. In case you don't realize this, no one on here knows who I am in real life. When he was talking to people, these are people in my community that i will see. So yes, someone who doesn't like their private life being made public can absolutely feel comfortable on a blog site where know one knows them. That why people turn here instead of friends and family.
Anyone have a real answer to my long run-on paragraph!
Hi Balcox.....not sure you
Submitted by dawnk on
Hi Balcox.....not sure you will even receive this since you post couple of months ago, but..I feel your pain. I have been back and forth for 5 years..probably 3 break ups. This one after living together for 3 years in a house only in my name because his credit was bad from his previous marriage with 3 kids. Where do I even begin...quite the roller coaster ride..very emotional at the very least, and we were engaged to be married. We have broke up and he hooked up with someone even after a few weeks. I could go on and on, but mostly wanted to see if you are doing any better? I'm in the process of selling the house..can't manage a life that was based on 2 incomes with what I make...he found a place and goes to the bars and takes cash advances and really does not go without anything, but yet he is the one that has to start all over again..it is an emotional nightmare, but his impulsiveness and self, immediate gratification is definitely in play all the while my heart is broken. Any advice would be appreciate. Just nice to vent to someone that can understand. I can definitely relate to the facebook drama..so, dumb with people he does not even know. Ugh!
I am still here!
Submitted by balcox25 on
I am doing much better. I stopped trying to understand him and ADHD, it is so illogical to me. I read everything I could get my hands on and still no answers came. I am sorry to say this but they are just messed up! I understand distraction and everything that comes with it but join that with selfishness, irresponsibility and you get my ex. Yes he is still my ex. We have talked numerous times and everytime I thank God that I am not emerged in his crazy world anymore. After a month and a half I found that I was doing better on my own and now when he comes at me with crazy talk that is everywhere but the subject we were originally talking about, I just hang up. I find that being on my own does have its down side, but the clarity I have gained is so refreshing. To me ADHD is just something to avoid now. I thank my stars everyday that I was strong enough to get through. I hated every moment of heartbreak and confusion but I have to say it was all worth it. I don't know what's future holds and I am lonely but I will never go back. I had three years of crazy and now I just want normal...even if that means being alone for awhile.
I am so glad you are doing
Submitted by dawnk on
I am so glad you are doing better! : ) I'm trying to get there. We have not had any contact he is too busy at the bars etc.and has not even finished getting all his things, which is fine. I am not asking him again. We went back and forth deciding to work on things while he had his own place the a bartender caught his attention apparently...does not make her a bad person, but she has no clue and she can have the headaches. Mostly, tired of him being nice at his convenience...shocker! It will be a tough path, but tired of the insanity and his addictions, it is exhausting. One key thing, tired of him professing he does no wrong and turning things on me. Thanks for helping me know that I have not completely lost my mind.
Submitted by bb2000 on
I am so sorry you feel like this. I am currently getting divorced, and I have ADHD. The thing is, I didn't cheat, I found out HE was talking to a female (single of course-who was suppose to be my friend) behind my back. I found out through phone records. I felt like I could do nothing right in his eyes, and I don't think I brought my friends into the situation. HE DID. Blames my ADHD, and the fact that she "listens" to him. My psychologist told me ADHD is not an excuse, but an explanation. Have you done any research on it? I too came on this site to get help, and he also doesn't like "dirty laundry" aired, thus the reason I came to this site to get help. I am on meds, and see professionals every month. I haven't change who I am, but I am working to change my behaviors (cleaning, organization, things like that). I didn't put myself in the positions your husband did, because I never wanted to make ex feel threatened. So, I don't know how to respond to this. I have ADHD, he doesn't, but sounds like your husband, and my ex don't see the harm having friends of the opposite sex, and how the feelings of the spouse SHOULD matter.Communication was a big problem in our relationship. We couldn't communicate without fighting, or getting in a "jugular" jab (if that makes sense). I am 38, and was just diagnosed about 3 1/2 years ago. I lost a lot of weight due to the meds, and he said I wanted the meds for the weight loss. I wanted the meds to feel "normal". I am so very sorry you are going through this. I accepted the fact that he couldn't meet some of my needs, but stayed with him anyway, but I feel like he didn't accept ME. So, I agree with you about the boundaries of your relationship, but I think counseling might be a good idea. Sounds like communication is lacking, or maybe I am wrong. I think sometimes we perceive reality different, but my way is in no way better than anyone else's. It's just what I believe, and how I view things. Maybe counseling can help, if you love him and want to save this. I feel our relationship is beyond that, and I have moved on. We were married for 15 years. Instead of confronting ME about the issues, or even suggesting counseling, he chose to confide in a single female. Not cool in my eyes, even after I told him my feelings about it. That's not love, and I get that now. Hope this helps, and stay strong.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by balcox25 on
Thank you so much for your reply! I have been waiting so long to speak with someone who does have ADHD about respect and boundaries in a relationship where AdHD is a factor. The fact that you understood boundaries and behavioral consequences makes me believe that his poor behavior is him and not ADHD. I Feel even if he has a hard time listening that everyone should get basic respect. I even told him that he does not have to remember what I have said but to only treat me as he would want to be treated. He still can't do this because when I ask him if he would have liked if I did what he did to me he will say "no". So that was my confusion. Is it just an ADHD block of sorts or is it him. If you have ADHD and understood what love and boundaries were then he should be able to do it too! He tries to tell me that he forgets or gets distracted but i just cant believe he is so distracted that he does not think about how I would feel in the choices he makes and has made. So thank you for your heartfelt response. Adhd symptoms are something i could live with but the disrespect and broken compromises we talked about is something that i could not. I am glad to know that it is not ADHD but the man itself that is so cruel to my heart. Thank you!!
Submitted by bb2000 on
I am not saying I am perfect, by any means. I just feel that to love someone, you have to think about if what you are going to do is going to maybe upset them. I wouldn't want it done to me, so I didn't put myself in those positions. Ultimately, you have to make your own choice. I don't know that the gender differences matter, but I am a very emotional person. I was cheated on in my past relationship (before my soon to be ex), and didn't want to make someone feel like I didn't love them, or respect them. He was affectionate in the early part of the marriage, but I honestly don't know what happened. Instead of talking to me about it (and maybe he tried, but I didn't understand what he was saying), he found other to confide in. The fact that he would say "I love my wife, and you can too for 19.95" didn't make me feel loved. Joking or not!! So, with that being said, I don't know if I just distanced myself emotionally, so I wouldn't get hurt (that could be where her listening to him and his need not getting met would come in). I don't know. I just know that my "professionals" think that I need to get out of this relationship, and I agree. I don't want my children growing up, thinking this is how people in love treat each other. I hope things work out for you, and just remember......do what is right for YOU. I spent so much time trying to please everyone but myself, I lost who I was. So very sad, but so true. I have grown so much in the last 8 months or so, it is refreshing. Not having to feel l,e I need to be something someone else wants me to be. I found me, and still working to see where this life has in store for me. I hope that it will be amazing, and I hope to get in the field of psychology. The mind is a beautiful thing, and everyone of us is unique, in our own way. The person that accepts us just as we are, is the one we need to be with. I can't wait to find that person. :) Good luck to you, and I hope it did help. :)
Thank you for the answer
Submitted by balcox25 on
I wish you luck too! We all bring baggage and you are not to blame for your relationship not working! Everyone has their quirks and it takes two people willing to stick it out, put down their pride, and want to work it out. Even with poor communication when it comes down to it that should not matter. Because the shock of it being at the end should warrant action. An if only one person is there trying and willing then you can rest assure that even despite your quirks you did the right thing. He will soon discover that the grass isn't greener! And again thank you for letting me know that ADHD does not mean lack of empathy. I too tried for years to get through how he made me feel and he would look me dead in the eye and say he understands only to do it again the next day! I just think he is very non empathetic, selfish and dumb when it comes to the obvious! That's what killed us. And to your friend who betrayed you I say she has a lack of empathy too! There are just some lines you don't cross! I hope you find your happiness soon!
Submitted by bb2000 on
I wish the same for you. Life is too short to be miserable, taken for granted, or any other negative thing. Remove the negative, and make a positive change. " Be the change you want to see in the world". I love that quote. Oh, and "Actions speak louder than words". :)
Broken compromises, broken
Submitted by copingSAH on
Broken compromises, broken promises... that's much of my relationship is with ADHD dh.
Can you explain to your bf that without the sleep apnea mask, there is a potential for him becoming oxygen deprived because he is no longer breathing or having a heart attack from this very action? The sleep machine is there for a reason, to keep him breathing properly and to keep him from actually accidentally choking, gasping for air or dying. Maybe he doesn't get the seriousness of having this machine on. It's not to keep the snoring to a minimum, it's to keep him continually aware if there's lack of oxygen when he stops breathing during the night...
He regaled me with talk about taking me traveling to all the places he went to before we got married. He said to me and anyone within earshot that he was going to take me once we got married. Once we were, it was no longer a possibility. He has been ensconced on the couch since, first thing in the morning, until I go off to bed by myself at night. It has been 20 years now of me asking and reminding him, and nothing. Not even traveling into the city for a major league ballgame, or a classical concert or even a Broadway play. Or even to visit his in-laws. I can now understand it's the ADHD but I also feel my whole life was compromised by those "promises" which ultimately feel like lies to me. All I get are blank stares, like his brain is switched off, but he'll go back to the TV and cheer his lungs out at the soccer score.
There's a lot of nothings, mostly blank stares. But once he's riled into action, it's never to do what is required to set things right, he goes and creates a very complicated scenario in which we all have to live by, especially in the home. Our son's clothes were in folded piles at the foot of son's bed, and since dh didn't like it, dh shoveled them all into a large heap in the corner. I asked him that's really not a good idea, would he just place them back where they were. Well, he then took all the clothes and shoved them all into a drawer that's difficult to access and gave me and the son hell. So it went from a large heap to being crammed into a cubby. What I want to know is, why couldn't he just straighten the pile the way it was originally? My son has folded his clothes that way in his room for years... dh cannot address anything directly.
My adhd dh will also talk to people, including anyone at his place of employment about my bouts of depression, my high blood pressure, including what medications I'm taking for it. These are people that I may eventually have to see or run into, in the future at a social event, or even out and about face-to-face. It makes me uneasy but I guess it's better for me if I don't know about it than to hear from him that's what he chatted about for that day... :(
It's not like I don't understand it's all ADHD and I am working on my own patience with what seems like an exercise in futile communication not to mention a lot of time and energy expended both physically and mentally... but some days it's really through the roof bad when the awareness on his end is completely unavailable.
Submitted by balcox25 on
Thank you for responding! As far as the mask goes it is a health reason but he does not seem to get that! Anyway, before we moved in together I told him he had to go get a mask so he stopped snoring. He went and of course they gave one to him because his snoring is so loud and irregular that yes he does stop breathing many times a night. So here we are in the new home I bought and I am up staring at my newly painted ceilings all night while he is asleep. I would remind him 3 to 4 times a night to put it on and every night i heard "i will"! Which of course he never did. And, I do understand the mask is uncomfortable but he did not care about me at all. I would wake up with bags under my eyes so large that stage make up would not cover them. I would run into walls because i was practically sleep walking. I have a son too so the lack of sleep made my tolerance less and I was irritable more quickly. I cried, pleated, threatened and yelled. His solution was for me to leave my own room! What!?!? Of course I would not leave because I felt that it was my room too and I am not leaving just because he is irresponsible and a fat jerk! Sorry still so angry. Anyway after a year of this I finally told him to move out! He then told me he did not realize that it was that big of a deal and then started wearing it every night! It only took a year of screaming, talking, threatening to get him to hear me. And this is normal for us (a year to solve a issue)and this was the last draw so he did move out because I was not going to live with someone who was so blind to the obvious. Who doesn't know that when a person does not get sleep it bad! Well apparently he is the only one on the planet who doesn't know this because he really looked like he had no idea why i was so upset! Is this Adhd or is he just mentally challenged? Even if he didnt hear me or understand the depth of hurt I was in dont you think that the knowledge alone of him keeping me up would make him feel bad? He told me hat I did sleep some times! What? My jaw literally fell open at that statement. Yes, when complete exhaustion did hit me every fourth day with little sleep I could sleep through it but that does not make it fine. That is why I am really at a loss. Can Adhd really block that much reality and common sense?
Submitted by lynninny on
Hi coping and balcox,
I am on here still trying to work some stuff out--disclosure, left my STBX two months ago after 15 years together.
I never could work out what was ADHD and what was something else. I am amazed, though, at the similarity from your stories to mine! coping, my STBX had traveled (with other women!) and told story after story about it when he met me. He talked about what he and I would do and where we would go, during the dating, hyper-focus stage. After that? Seriously, after we got married, it was all I could do to get him to drive to see our families for holidays. Even that stopped and I went by myself. It was like he just couldn't move. What the what? I felt like he lied to me. He could not understand why I was so hurt over it.
And balcox, we ended up sleeping in different rooms after years of him snoring like a lawnmower, because I could not take being that tired any more. I begged, cajoled, insisted, handed him reports about sleep apnea (coping is right, and it contributes to everything from early heart problems to diabetes). Mentioned it to his doctor and tried to get him to help. My STBX's was severe, he felt like crap and was sleep deprived all the time. Exhausted. He finally went to a sleep center after I hounded him like the furies for a year over concern for his health, and of course, they confirmed that his apnea was terrible and recommended a mask. He never got one, even when I pointed out that he had lost his wife and our intimacy and we lived like roommates. He had a friend who started using one, and said he felt like a different person and 15 years younger with it. It just seemed like common sense. I would think, "What the HELL? Just wear the stupid mask already!" Was this ADHD? It was tough to believe that after all of that, he still didn't "realize that it was that big a deal," as you said, but maybe he didn't?
balcox, I am sorry. It gets to the point that it is hard not to take some of this stuff to heart and think, "If you loved me you would hear me and just do this." Or think, "I know you are an intelligent and good person--how can you not see this?" Just want you to know someone hears you and I hope your situation improves.
That is exactly what I thought!
Submitted by balcox25 on
That is exactly what I thought!!!! "If you love me how can this be OK to you that I am not getting sleep!" Can someone who has ADHD explain to me if ADHD blocks common sense and empathy. I truly do not think he is a bad guy! But, what I am not sure of is, was this ADHD symptoms or just a lack of caring about someone else and more about his needs. Can someone, a man, see someone else's suffering and ignore it easier because of ADHD. Seems like the ladies on here with ADHD seem to have more of a caring side. Is this a man vs woman thing or does ADHD in some really block out that much reality in some to where you can't look past your own thoughts and needs! Is someone with untreated ADHD, medication wise, till the age of 37 already lost too many years of learning. Has he missed so much that he will never be able to function in a relationship. I am still so in shock because this all just seems so basic! Even my nine year old gets that you need to think of others and your actions and here is this 37 year old man who just stares blankly at me when I am talking to him about it! Even now I just cant comprehend it. Its just shocking!!!
This is what I have been dealing with too
Submitted by distantADDgf123 on
I have read the comments in this string, actually starting skimming after they all sounded like my situation, and I am just astounded. I too have a snoring partner, well ex as of this morning at 4:15 AM when I sent my "I've had it" email - more below on that. He also regaled of tales of travel and adventure and how he knew how to sail and windsurf and dance salsa and how he "would get an operation to stop his snoring for me" - no word of a lie, he said this. Well, not much travel, and really only if I pull it together, no teaching me to sail, windsurf or any fancy salsa moves. He likes to dream about things, like travel, but he never actually pulls the trigger. It's almost as if he's afraid reality won't be as fun as his illusion of what it could be. But here is a good idea for snoring - earplugs by Hearos, found in drug stores but they also have an online presence at hearos.com. My SO bought them for me and they are great! Better than other earplugs I had tried. I could actually sleep once I got these. And I agree - how can they not understand that a lack of sleep resulting from their snoring is impacting every ounce of our being???!!! It still infuriates me that I had to wear earplugs and he said "he'd get an operation for me". Yeah, like all the other "could dos" of his - could go skiing, could go sailing, could go to the islands, could go to Spain, could go camping, could get together with this friend of his and that --- they are just lies in retrospect.
He is also unable to understand that a lack of boundaries with women is a problem that cuts to the core of my self worth and self esteem. I finally drew a line over which I will not cross. He is overly cozy, I'm sure of no cheating but it still pisses me off and turns me off quite frankly, with some of his female dance friends. One of whom I witnessed rubbing his chest on the outside of his shirt while cozying up under his arm and looking sweetly up into his eyes, and of course he puts his arm around her (married and her husband right there - talk about the 2 of them being disrespectful!) and soaks it all in. Meanwhile, no PDA for me, and a true lack of attention virtually all the time. He hasn't been this cozy with me in public in 2 years! And he refused to touch me in the presence of his family (his parents are in their 70s and 80s - is he trying to imply we are platonic????!!). I have had it. I told him not to contact me unless and until he sets a boundary that ceases the women fondling his chest and the like and ceases any similar touching by and of other women. I told him point blank to not contact me if he cannot choose a relationship with me, MY feelings, and my love over whatever cheap thrills he gets from touching these other married, middle aged women with bad haircuts, bad clothes, and soft bodies (hurumph!). So, there!, I thought. I finally drew a line. I figure if he can't understand this very simple thing and can't choose me (hot bodied tri-athlete type) in this situation, then he does not now and has never deserved me. And trust me, he looooves my tri-athlete body, actually doesn't like large breasts. Not sure I'll find that with another guy, but oh well, I can't take his behavior any longer.
I understand, and so should everyone here, that adhd is a brain chemical dysfunction. So, they literally can't make the connection in their brains that non-ADHDers can and do all the time (including children) between cause and effect, for example. My guy refuses to believe he may have adhd, so no treatment for him. And he really poo poos the whole notion of psychological or brain chemical disorders in general. He knows everything, just ask him. I think he is so used to living in his world of illusion that he can't grasp reality - it's too painful. I think that is one of the coping mechanisms. I try to think about how an alcoholic might be unable to see the depths of their problems and unable to make choices to not drink. I think ADHD is similar in that they just are not capable of making the choices that people with non-ADHD brains can.
Well, that's my story. I drew the line and I'm pretty sure what his choice will be. I don't know what else I could do. I can't sell my sole on this issue, I just can't. I can't feel any sexual desire for a man who wants to be physically cozy with other women while letting me sit on the sidelines starved of attention and affection. I just can't do it. That is just too much to ask.
I wish you all luck. I also have struggled with how much of this is adhd and how much of this is men vs. women and how much of this is him just being a jerk. I don't know if it's possible to figure out, especially when the guy won't deal with his adhd. I too believe he doesn't intend to hurt, to forget, to be a lump, to make promises he never keeps, to not pay attention to me. But the resulting hurt to me is just as real as if it were intentional, maybe worse. In our heart of hearts we know it's not intentional and we love these guys but how impossible it is to continue to witness someone you love hurt you over and over and over again. I don't know. In my case, I kind of hope it's like the alcoholic in that once he hits bottom, he'll do something to help himself.
Good luck and know your struggle is not alone.
Submitted by lynninny on
I am sorry for you pain. I hope that you have a happy ending to your story, whatever happens. I think you have hit the nail on the head, here. I get that ADHD or whatever else along with it that my STBX has, is a chemical imbalance and that his brain works differently. I get that if he had diabetes or cancer or anything else going on, I would have stood by him and supported him and helped him. But if mine had had cancer or diabetes, I have a hard time believing he would deny that it existed, or say that it actually made him a better, smarter, more interesting person, or wouldn't treat it at all. But that's what he did with the ADHD and issues. I do think it is like alcoholism or something for mine. He cannot treat it even though it is affecting his life in such a negative way (can't really work or support himself, lost his family, is living in complete squalor and insecurity). He would rather cling to the illusions and coping mechanisms and denial that have kept him going for so long. "How's that going for you?" I want to ask.
And you are right--if the partner won't do anything to treat it or work with it, it does not leave the non-ADHD spouse with much to work with. I am trying to co-parent with mine now, and we agreed to try to be civil above all else for our children. I asked him to please agree not to address parenting issues or criticize me in front of our kids. Pretty simple. I didn't really have any other requests. And he agreed. And then has done the opposite of this at least six times, including yesterday, since I left two months ago. Seriously. I walked in yesterday to pick mine up, and not even a hello, just, "Hey, you can't let them eat (whatever).. studies have shown (whatever)..." in front of them. (Mine also knows everything). Which is disrespectful, and negates my authority with my own kids, and is something we agreed not to do. And then when I bring it up, he is indignant, like it is not that big a deal, like it is not bad for our kids, and I am being a b*tch because I am reacting to it. I believe that his brain cannot, literally cannot, connect these dots and remember that this is not a great thing to do and that we agreed not to discuss parenting in front of them. It just gets so old and it has gotten so much worse over the years. I am at the point that if it weren't for my children, I would have absolutely nothing to do with him.
I am sorry for your hurt. I would feel the same way. Hang in there. Would he agree to go to counseling with you at least?
Ear plugs and bad-hair women!
Submitted by balcox25 on
Your ex sounds a lot like mine. They would be perfect together! I did try earplugs and many different ones, i even spent over $100 on professional chainsaw ear muffs and to no avail. Put it this way...he snores so loud that he kept my sister up all night on the opposite side of my 2000 sq ft house. All doors were closed and TVs were on and she heard him still. It really is so loud and jarring. I would tell him if he snored normally with a rhythm that maybe I could sleep but he is so erratic that it will sometimes shoot me straight out of bed in shock from a dead sleep. I just think that after days and weeks on this forum that I realize that ADHD is not normal. You can have a happy relationship with someone with ADhD if you lower your standards and increase your patience with them but that still leaves you compromising everything you need in a sense. Can they be great....yes but my dog is great and my son is great also. What I need is a partner someone who can help with the responsibilities in life, not someone I have to compromise with and lower my standards for. I just cant believe that telling the man who says they love you that his actions with other girls hurts you, yet he does it anyways is OK! Its not! I dont care what you are inflicted with, even if he did not see it at first- after you told him he should have stopped. Why do we have to suffer just because we love these people. If we have to work hard to take on more responsibilities and management because of this mental defect, shouldn't they have to work hard too on things that bother us. We are not asking them to be normal, we are just asking them to respect us as people. I dont think that is too much! I just think ADHD is a curse...especially to us who have had the unfortunate experience of falling in love with them. They will never be hurt like us or understand the pain they caused, they are too wrapped up in their own selfish worlds. Your in pain and they move on easily and forget. I dont know about you but I think that I am going to force myself to move on and in the future if I see any signs of aDHD i am running as fast as I can. They can't be fixed, they will never be normal, and in the end we have wasted years on hoping that one day a light bulb will go off in their head. Well i now know this light build will never go off because there is just no electricity to even make it happen. Hurting sucks, but I would take a year of misery and loneliness over 15, 20 years of a wasted life! Just really had it today and dont want to delude myself anymore. If they live you they should make it better! I feel more love and respect from my dog than I do from this man! That's sad. I just cant believe this horrible world of ADHD exists and I have had the unlucky and unfortunate experience of even realizing that it is on our planet. Now, not only do I have to watch out for players, i have to watch out for ADHD. Ugg where are the normal, good and kind men out there!
Anger is understandable
Submitted by distantADDgf123 on
You sound angry and let me tell you I've been there. I have yelled in my house at this ADHD thing and all the behaviors (SO not there of course) so many times that my cat is becoming accustomed to it. It brings out a rage in me I never knew existed, and I had a totally unreasonable controlling father who made me so mad I threw my hair brush and broke it one time. It just has gotten to the point with me of being so totally unhealthy that it scared me. I made a Herculean effort to make some space and time for me away from SO so I could reconnect with myself and re-establish my self esteem. I went on vacation in a warm place, met lots of nice men, had lots of dances, drinks bought for me, lots of head turning in my bikini. Then I went skiing up north on a mountain that is 80% male because it is so hard and steep - same story, attentive men, drink buying, sharp outfits and skiing skills noticed. It has really helped me get strong, and calm down quite a bit. Though I did have another rage night last night. I hope I don't do that again. Surprisingly, now that I have drawn the line about the touching, I am much calmer. I can still say to myself, "I will not be the women who sits by and has a man who touches other woman who are less desirable than me" without foaming at the mouth. I just keep saying it to reinforce my conviction that I will not compromise on touching, no way, it cuts to the core of my self-identity. I keep telling myself, "no, I will not be that woman" and I see this weakened version of me sitting on the sidelines while SO is off fraternizing with other women having a grand old time. "No, I will not be that!"
So, the anger -- my therapist has been good to recognize how angry I am. And I kind of control the signs in his presence so I don't seem, well, crazy. And he has said on many occasions that I have every right to be angry. I'm angry that I've gotten stuck with this, like I drew yet another short straw of life. I'm angry that I invested all the time and my heart in this guy - also hoping for the light bulb to go off. I've said that so many times when talking to my girlfriend. It was sobering to see you use the same words. How delusional I have been. I can't change him and his brain chemicals and neither can he, nor does he want to.
I think you should focus on you for a while. Take baby steps to put some physical and emotional distance between you and him. Even if you have to go to the library or join a gym and just go there after work and hang out on the side of the pool or in the hot tub - something that allows you to have real down time away from the tornado of ADHD. If you can, take a vacation away from him, and don't call or email. You can surely find a place that "doesn't have great service, honey" so you don't get bothered by him trying to reach you. Leave your phone in your hotel room - don't want to loose it or have it stolen are very logical reasons for doing so. And go places where there are available men or just lots of men, available or not just to be around non-ADHD men will be good for you. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit or a new swimsuit. Try to reconnect with your awesome self. And try to be away long enough to relax and get some perspective and get down off the tightrope that has you so angry that all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs.
Hang in there. It's tough. But we are always stronger on the other side of life's adversities.
Thank you for your response!
Submitted by balcox25 on
Yes, I vented! And it felt great!!!! I am waiting for the lift bulb to go on and now I know it never will! Are you still together with your ADHD guy?
Submitted by distantADDgf123 on
Right now I am not sure if we are going to be together. I drew my line about not touching women and choosing me. And I'm pretty sure he will think this is unreasonable. And, like I said, I "won't be that woman", so I think we're done. We are at an impasse. If it weren't this it would be him unwillingness to acknowledge ADHD and get help.
Good luck to you. Hope for your light bulb to go off.
Oh, ADHD guy KNOWS it doesn't exist
Submitted by distantADDgf123 on
Oh, no counseling. ADHD doesn't exist if you ask him. And even if it does, "it's no big deal, he's fine, just take people as they are". Yeah, hurting me every single day. No, thank you.... It's like a continuous circle with the ADHD mind. No connection of cause and effect. I can't take it anymore.
Thanks for you note. This site has really helped me get a grip on this stuff and the actual realities of ADHD. I was just amazed the first time I logged on here and saw the non-ADHDers writing the exact same things that I have heard and experienced. It is uncanny, like some of these guys are mental clones of each other. I still can't get over it. I'm much stronger today now that I drew my line. I have plans to have some fun this weekend and continue venturing out there to be around non-ADHD men. I just need that energy and that reality, that lifeline to normalcy. I have a great gal pal supporting me. She is the best.
I have so been there for my guy that I sort of lost track of my wonderful self. I'm getting her back slowly but surely. Maybe with a break and if he hits rock bottom, we could have a future. But not right now.
I signed up just to reply to
Submitted by lemontea on
I signed up just to reply to this thread after months of lurking.
This thread was my life until a week ago, right down to his untreated sleep apnea and snoring leading to the households sleep deprivation to the fact that I am very classy, fit and attractive for my age and status and my expartner would rather have cheap trashy female attention any time over mine. Especially in public!He also hid me from his family for years and created huge wedges that I couldnt repair with them via airing our drama. ARRG. Although, he was COMPLETLY UNABLE to achieve any sort of intimacy with me unless seriously inebriated.
My ex was diagnosed as a child and when I met him he was seriously abusing his adhd meds, saving up the 4x daily dexedrine's to take all on the weekend. Now, he refuses to acknowledge that he has ADHD at all.
All of our fights- every single one- was fatalistic, ie. leading to breakup because he viewed me as an enemy, not a team player or partner and he COULD NOT and WOULD NOT acknowledge me as a seperate human being and ANY attempt to communicate for myself was either met with serious verbal rage and abuse or just days on weeks of stonewalling. Compromise is NOT in his vocabulary. Everything I said was taken as a personal attack, even when worded properly. Every.SIngle.Thing. that had to do with US had to be 100% on his terms, on his time, at his discretion or I would be relentlessly attacked as being a 'controlling mother'.
He was addicted to everything, from binge drinking, to video games to smoking to spending to eating....
He forgot every plan we made, every holiday, every birthday...
His cleanliness in personal space and hygiene was at times atrocious.
I was in therapy for 18 months due to anxiety and OCD behaviors that developed on my behalf to 'deal' with our relationship dynamic. It took my therapist that long help me convince myself that EVERYTHING was NOT MY FAULT as he had so believed. I tried everything and back again to try and twist and change myself to fit into his dysfunction for the sake of peace and harmony.
I loved him, I really and truly did. He was brilliant, attractive, fun, but OMG I could just not live ONE MORE DAY not even having ONE of my needs met.
Yes, 100% his way or no way
Submitted by distantADDgf123 on
Wow, thanks for replying to the string.
Yes, my guy was 100% his way or no way. Part of the last straw was him unilaterally deciding to eliminate dancing from our social endeavors "because I have behaved badly" - by asking why he doesn't want to dance with me and would rather dance with ANYONE else. At one point after a dance night I raged that if he is so intrigued with dancing and touching other women, he should go f--- some of them. Yeah, and see how they deal with his, lets call it, "routine". Good luck!
I have been feeling like I was about to topple off my footing. I have been faced with no choice but to draw a line over which I will not cross. It is the best thing I have done on this path. There is no reasoning with them, none whatsoever. Self medicating seems part of his life too. Lots of drinking, seems like everyday. But I do care for him and wish he would get help. I just need to step out of the firestorm of his drama and get a break, before I break. I think when I see my therapist next he will see a whole new calmer person in me.
Yeah, go fondle the un-hot chicks, have at it!, I say. How pathetic! And he has said again and again, he has not gotten married or been involved with many women because all the women where he lives are un-hot. Now he chooses cozying up with them over a loving relationship with me! hot girl?!? So irrational, like an alcoholic irrational. He's broken and I can't fix him. I just can't. Yeah, he can be fun, but it is so infrequent now it all seems like a fantasy that will never ever become reality.
Hi...I just recently went
Submitted by dawnk on
Hi...I just recently went through a break up after 5 years of going back and forth with my adhd fiancé..I could have copied your post almost word for word...after 4 months he has played up the I never wanted to have to start over again, but he does not seem to be going without anything including other women....I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Your post has definitely helped my post break up insanity. It is all very sad.
I have been enlightened!
Submitted by balcox25 on
Thank you for your words! Yes, the breakup was the worst and best think that happened to me. Once I filled my life with things to do I found that I enjoyed normal. And the longer I was away from him I realized what a downward spiral he put me in. I love not being in his crazy life and I will never be part of ADHD again. Its too hard and nobody is worth the havoc it causes!
Submitted by bb2000 on
Hey-- to the non-ADHD spouses. I recommend a book that I just read. I do have ADHD, a wife, mother, full time worker, and student. I will admit that I was not a fulltime worker, or student the entire marriage (or even mother ), but I do have responsibilities. I just read the book "Loving someone with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Susan Tschudi. I read it, and then asked my soon to be ex if he would read it too. It brought a lot of things to may attention, including what we BOTH did wrong in the marriage. It offers hope to those who are not at the "there is no going back" stage, and I really recommend it. It explains things from the non-ADHD partners view, so I think it would be very helpful (and to your ADHD partner too). I know that I mentioned acceptance before, and I meant that. I think this book explains it in a way the non-ADHD spouse can understand, and at the same time, show the ADHD spouse WHY the other has come to the state he/she is in. Just a suggestion, and I hope it helps. :). Too late for us (in my eyes), but maybe it can save a marriage that hasn't crossed the line yet. Good luck