I shall attempt to carefully word my thoughts so they come across as critiques - - not criticisms.
ADHD. What is known. What is not known. Is it a way of being? Is it an "issue"? Is it a disorder? Is it simply a way that the brains of 10% of the people works differently than 90% of the 'average' people in the world?
I don't know. Wish I did. Wish I knew how to articulate how so many things we as a couple have tried . . . .and that did not work. Like most things in life, solutions read easy, and work hard.
I am so very glad each and every day for new strides that are made to give the sort of structures that will work to the person, parent, spouse of someone with ADHD.
From where I sit, I often get the feeling that is implied /: "What do you mean it's not working? THIS is the solution. This is how to do it. This is THE process.
And yet, it ain't. Nope.
Not that the books weren't pretty, and they weren't well documented, and nicely organized,
As an example, my son was given this book - to help him. To give him insight into his ADHD brain. ( Administrator: If this link is not allowed, I understand if you need to delete it:)
Copy and past that whole thing into your address bar, and you will see the front cover of a kid's comic book - - -made for kids. . . . .with ADHD. My son took one look at the cover, a comic book that he was "supposed" to love, and he flicked through the pages, and was overwhelmed. Too busy. Too much information on one page. Too many colors. He tossed it aside with a chuckle, "WHO made that book? Not someone who understand ADHD." Um, yep son. Specialists. They want to help. They are missing the mark.
Couples Therapy. Even without any underlying issues, the success rates are not all that great. For me, success is improving the relationship/marriage.
What has been missing for me: feeling validated. Clarifying each partner's prospective. Without making the other person the bad guy - the one who doesn't understand. We have made many attempts. It is so hard to not just throw in the towel. And give up. But, I will not. From Liz's perspectives, the "process" looks great. Reading. Homework. Charts to fill out. I did it all. It's how I function!!! It's what I enjoy. It's what I can understand. My ADHD spouse, he was overwhelmed at the idea of reading A-Whole-Book. He saw the charts. To fill in everyday. He heard 'homework to complete everyday', and blammo, he was like a deer in the headlights. In that moment - as during the time we tried it, I was pissed - - -at my spouse, for not doing, what he was not able to do. I just didn't know it at the time. I read. I did the homework. I filled in the charts. Because I could. Because it is how I function! Because I enjoy it. Because I understand. In hindsight, my spouse went into the process willingly - - and was pretty much set up for defeat. By the necessary reading. And homework. And charting.
And in truth, I think it exacerbated the issues we had.
I do NOT know what the answer is. I do know, that I want to be honest, and explain, this is not working. Because, well because, I do want to know. I do want to share the effectiveness. I do want to say, what we are trying is not accomplishing the desired end. Why not? Well it definitely has not one whit to do with the level of how much both of us are trying. . . .We are. Our damned royal hardest/different-est!!!!!