I no longer want to figure out the who, why, or what about how my spouse lives/behaves/responds. I know his brain is ADHD wired. I know that for a fact as we have a professional/clinical/medical expert diagnosis. I know for a fact he didn't know about his ADHD until he was well over 50. I know he has developed many ways of coping with the world - some work well - some do not.
Is there something elso going on? I am abandoing my armchair psychologist position, and letting him figure it out - if he wants to.
What I fear: He will not want to figure it out.
When I am with only my spouse, it can take on the feeling of being in a giant vaccuum bottle, There is Liz and him and nothing else. I see his behaviors that are not conducive to a comfortable partnership, and he sees that I have changed . . . . and those changes have caused the way we worked - to no longer work.
I am carefully looking at my old behaviors - yes SOME need to be looked at and re-evaluated, and see where I made my mistakes. No regrets, just seeing things for what they really were.
Concessions are a good thing when done in balance. When concessions are done to continually keep someone else happy, then it is time to try to figure out why I am playing the "peace at all costs" game.
It is really difficult for Liz to get and stay in a place where my spouse has to decide he no longer wants to live as he is living.
What I fear - he is going to choose to live as he is living. I hate that for him, and I hate that for us.
What I can do is something about me, my choices, what I can live with, and what I cannot.
There are indeed many things on the 'pro' side of our relationship:
1. Our children love both of us. Our daughter is 23 and just disolved her one year marriage. Our son is 26 and is a partner with his dad in our construction business.
2. Neither of us have had an affair.
3. We do not call names - never, not ever. A family rule which I enforced: NO character asassination, not ever.
4. Neither of us drink alcohol. Never did.
5. There is no illicite drug use,
6. There is no gambling, lying. cheating or stealing. Never had any trouble with the law.
7. Never any physical violence or abuse.
I have started so many comments to so many posts here, and then realized that I was droning on and on and on about the same old stuff. That is just not doing Liz any good at all.
What is it that digs so deep at this man, and causes such pain when there is any conflict. Redundant. I do not know. What I do know: it is not pleasant to live with.
Life, to Liz, is having the tools to deal with everyday occurances, and learning work through them so we are both satisfied.
Trying to reach a point or place of 'no conflict' will never happen. That is utopia and it is not real. I know that. What I fear: my spouse will not accept that truth.