ADHD or abuse? So bad spent the weekend in jail

I've been coming to this site for some time trying to find help in coping with and understanding my partner, who was diagnosed with ADD as a child and whom I'm certain has a pretty bad case of ADHD. Yet she thinks it's a bunch of phooey so won't get help. Our relationship is a lot like others I read on here. I can deal with the forgetting things, ignoring me, having to do most household chores myself but what I can't deal with is the double standards, always being blamed for everything and the anger issues she has, especially when she blows up at me over nothing, and then is verbally abusive to me and tells me basically it's my fault she gets so mad and I'm just playing a victim when I tell her I'm not going to take it. I fell deeply in love with her 2 years ago, and I can't seem to let it go even though in my head I feel like this relationship is often more harmful for me than it is good. I could go on and on with things that has happened, but I'll just mention the general things and most recent since I don't have much time. She gets angry a lot over small things and will start calling me a bitch and say other mean things to me. If we've been arguing and she can't sleep, she will blame me and say I'm keeping her from sleeping when that's not the case, usually I'm trying to go to another room or just lie there and not talk so we can both sleep. She's held me down and left bruises, scratches, pushed me off the bed twice (it's a high bed) and more than I can count has taken the covers off of me and shaken me or slammed her hands down on the bed over and over. If she can't sleep why should I be able to, because it's my fault she says. She has a lot of sleeping problems and really bad anxiety. She's yanked a necklace off of me and once she grabbed my face and pushed it to shut me up. I always forgive her and make excuses that she can't control her emotions because of add, had a bad childhood, has anxiety, can't handle stress, etc. I always think it will get better and I can help her. But lately I've been at the end of my rope too, and I have a lot of resentment, anger and frustration that has built up.

The past few weeks we have been arguing constantly and have had few blowups, where I just felt like it's too much and we need to end the relationship before it goes too far. I asked her if we could talk and try to come up with some ways to make it better, to make some lists and think about things and try to work on it. But we were back to arguing and that conversation never happened, because we spent the weekend in jail. Yes, jail. I've never so much as had detention in school in my life and now this relationship has gotten me arrested. We went to brunch and she didn't like some policy they had on a discount we were using and that they had charged her .50 for tomatoes. We split the check and I she left a $3 tip so I left $5, which would have made it 20% of the bill. So she gets made and changes her tip to less. She said they don't deserve full tip because she wasn't pleased. I said the waitress was nice and gave good service, and she had nothing to do with what she was angry about, so she deserved a full tip. We kept arguing about it in the car, though I didn't feel it was arguing I was just explaining to her why I felt like I did. All of a sudden she runs the car off the side of the road, comes to an abrupt halt and starts yelling at me to stop, calling me a bitch, the usual litany of insults. She has driven like a maniac before when she's angry and has scared me. I put my hand to kinda grab her and calm her down, because I wanted her to stop and I wanted to take the keys until she calmed down. Well she took that for me hitting her and called the cops. I just stepped out of the car and waited, thinking she would calm down and either leave before police came or not go as far to have me arrested. Officer arrives and she goes to speak to her first, then shuts the car door and asks me what happened. I told her that I didn't hit her, I did make a movement to grab her because she was scaring me, but in no way was I trying to hit or hurt her. The officer asked if she had ever hit me and I said no. I said she has just gotten a bit worked up, she was in an abusive relationship before and I think she was having flashbacks or something and freaking out. (She was in an abusive relationship before, but it went both ways. And she was the one who started the abuse). The officer asked if I could find a friend to take me home, and said in these cases since there were no marks or evidence I hit her they would take us both in. So she said find a ride and just go home separately. But when she went to speak to my gf again, whatever my gf said to her made the cop extrememly mad. So the cop told her to get out of the car adn she refused. So she said she had to arrest her. And then she said she had to arrest me too, since this was considered domestic violence and she said I hit her. I tried to reason with cop, but she said 'I don't know who your gf thinks she is, but she can't talk to the police like that and she needs to be taught a lesson."

My gf refused to get out of the car so she called for backup. They arrested her and then they put cuffs on me and took me to a different police car. Then the 'paddywagon" came and they tried to put her in there, but she started having a panic attack. The cop walked over to the car I was in to speak to the officer and I told them she had severe anxiety and probably couldn't handle it. So they put me in there and took her to the hospital. They tooke me to a detention center, thankfully I never went behind bars, but it was jail nonetheless and I was stuck in there for over 24 hours. They brought her in after they released her from the hospital, about 2 a.m. in the moring. She came to me and started apologizing and crying. yet still she seems to be mainly concerned about how it affected her. She hasn't been to work for a few days and thankfully went to a counselor and doctor for anxiety medicine and is trying to find a psychiatrist. But she won't say it's her fault and I don't know if she really sees that she needs help. I think she just think she needs help because of the traumatic experience being locked up caused her.

I feel like this should be a big huge red flag telling me to get out now. Of course, she is trying to be loving now and says she doesnt want me to leave. I am putting off talking about it until we get over this. I couldnt take time off work so Im still trying to process it all and cant deal with trying to move again (we just moved into a house that she bought). I'm at such a loss. Is this ADHD and can she be helped? Or is this abuse? Should I wait and see if she goes through with counseling and maybe meds and will go to couples counseling? I love her and I'd love more than anything for us to have a great, loving relationship. But I just don't know if we can ever recover from this, if she will ever change. I can't keep living like this. Any advice or insights would be much appreciated.

awww sweetie

Read what you wrote in paragraph two.  Read it out loud.  You deserve a life that does not sound like an episode of Maury Povich.  I don't think it matters whether this situation comes from ADHD or not.  I sure don't understand what part of ADHD results in behavior like this.   Is it a gray fuzzy line for you between sticking with someone you care for who needs your help .... and.... being arrested?  Are you staying because you can't deal with trying to move again?  I've moved a LOT and I've never been arrested, but I have to say, I'd rather move every day for a month and not get arrested.  Drama like you describe is not a healthy life, no matter how often it is depicted on television as "stuff that happens".    It is not a life you should accept.  As I always told my daughters "the right person wouldn't treat you like this."   And read this statement you made (She was in an abusive relationship before, but it went both ways. And she was the one who started the abuse).  Are you sure this is something you're looking for in a girlfriend?  I'm going to get real firm here, and say the two of you, at a minimum, do not bring out the best in each other.  Why don't you want that for yourself? 

Ever heard of borderline

Ever heard of borderline personality disorder?

I'm not a psychologist, however, I lived with a roommate who had this diagnosis and she terrorized me.  Out of the blue one day she accused me of being mentally ill because I was slamming dishes around (I'd knocked over a pan of water into the sink by accident) and said I was lying when I said it was an accident... and it went downhill from there.  A few days later she unleashed a torrent of swearing and insults at me and delivered a few veiled threats.  I gave her notice to vacate and a day later she started sucking up: making me tea, asking me about my day etc.  She made excuses for her behavior saying it was the anniversary of losing a loved one 2 years before.  I wouldn't have any of it.  She then started to make herself vomit audibly.  When that failed she told me she thought I was a nice, caring person (implying I'm not).  I just ignored all of this and she ended up throwing stuff at me and threatening to expose herself while I was trying to eat, so I arranged for the cops to come while I evicted her.  I saw this woman with her former boyfriend, who was very kind to her and she would accuse him of smothering her one minute and abandoning her the next.   Nothing was her fault ever.

Anyway, you might want to look BPD up...

Please please please

leave this situation as soon as possible.  Even if you don't move out today, please, pack a bag & go stay somewhere else while you work through the things that have happened & make a plan.

Maybe you could stay with a relative or friend for a few days who could help you think things through?  

When I was having a lot of personal troubles a few years ago, a psychiatrist made me promise to email my siblings, parents & a couple of friends to basically say: look, I'm not doing well, I could use some help.  This was completely contrary to what I ever would have done on my own, & I honestly thought my friends & family would either judge me, ignore my request, and/or provide "help" that wasn't useful (my family, like many, is pretty dysfunctional!).  But I did it because he wanted me to, & it turned out that nobody did any of those things, & I was reminded that I had people in my life who really cared.  A key component of my recovery was that each of my parents came to stay for awhile so I wasn't alone anymore.  I guess I'm saying we need a tribe when things get really hard.

Like your situation is.  I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you.  I hope you listen to what you're clearly communicating with others & make a change before you're robbed of anything more.


The behavior you are describing is not ADHD.  Get a copy of Driven to Distraction...THAT's ADHD.  This is not.

The relationship you are describing is abusive.  It's unclear from what you've written why you have stayed so long...but it's time to end the relationship and start your own healing.  As you make it clear that you are genuinely stepping away from this relationship I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility of significant anger, perhaps even violent anger.  In fact, it might be a good idea to talk with an abuse hotline to garner ideas about how to discourage an anger response and protect yourself.

Also, the idea to call on family and friends for support is a good one.  Don't allow yourself to be isolated as you move away from this relationship.