I've been coming to this site for some time trying to find help in coping with and understanding my partner, who was diagnosed with ADD as a child and whom I'm certain has a pretty bad case of ADHD. Yet she thinks it's a bunch of phooey so won't get help. Our relationship is a lot like others I read on here. I can deal with the forgetting things, ignoring me, having to do most household chores myself but what I can't deal with is the double standards, always being blamed for everything and the anger issues she has, especially when she blows up at me over nothing, and then is verbally abusive to me and tells me basically it's my fault she gets so mad and I'm just playing a victim when I tell her I'm not going to take it. I fell deeply in love with her 2 years ago, and I can't seem to let it go even though in my head I feel like this relationship is often more harmful for me than it is good. I could go on and on with things that has happened, but I'll just mention the general things and most recent since I don't have much time. She gets angry a lot over small things and will start calling me a bitch and say other mean things to me. If we've been arguing and she can't sleep, she will blame me and say I'm keeping her from sleeping when that's not the case, usually I'm trying to go to another room or just lie there and not talk so we can both sleep. She's held me down and left bruises, scratches, pushed me off the bed twice (it's a high bed) and more than I can count has taken the covers off of me and shaken me or slammed her hands down on the bed over and over. If she can't sleep why should I be able to, because it's my fault she says. She has a lot of sleeping problems and really bad anxiety. She's yanked a necklace off of me and once she grabbed my face and pushed it to shut me up. I always forgive her and make excuses that she can't control her emotions because of add, had a bad childhood, has anxiety, can't handle stress, etc. I always think it will get better and I can help her. But lately I've been at the end of my rope too, and I have a lot of resentment, anger and frustration that has built up.
The past few weeks we have been arguing constantly and have had few blowups, where I just felt like it's too much and we need to end the relationship before it goes too far. I asked her if we could talk and try to come up with some ways to make it better, to make some lists and think about things and try to work on it. But we were back to arguing and that conversation never happened, because we spent the weekend in jail. Yes, jail. I've never so much as had detention in school in my life and now this relationship has gotten me arrested. We went to brunch and she didn't like some policy they had on a discount we were using and that they had charged her .50 for tomatoes. We split the check and I she left a $3 tip so I left $5, which would have made it 20% of the bill. So she gets made and changes her tip to less. She said they don't deserve full tip because she wasn't pleased. I said the waitress was nice and gave good service, and she had nothing to do with what she was angry about, so she deserved a full tip. We kept arguing about it in the car, though I didn't feel it was arguing I was just explaining to her why I felt like I did. All of a sudden she runs the car off the side of the road, comes to an abrupt halt and starts yelling at me to stop, calling me a bitch, the usual litany of insults. She has driven like a maniac before when she's angry and has scared me. I put my hand to kinda grab her and calm her down, because I wanted her to stop and I wanted to take the keys until she calmed down. Well she took that for me hitting her and called the cops. I just stepped out of the car and waited, thinking she would calm down and either leave before police came or not go as far to have me arrested. Officer arrives and she goes to speak to her first, then shuts the car door and asks me what happened. I told her that I didn't hit her, I did make a movement to grab her because she was scaring me, but in no way was I trying to hit or hurt her. The officer asked if she had ever hit me and I said no. I said she has just gotten a bit worked up, she was in an abusive relationship before and I think she was having flashbacks or something and freaking out. (She was in an abusive relationship before, but it went both ways. And she was the one who started the abuse). The officer asked if I could find a friend to take me home, and said in these cases since there were no marks or evidence I hit her they would take us both in. So she said find a ride and just go home separately. But when she went to speak to my gf again, whatever my gf said to her made the cop extrememly mad. So the cop told her to get out of the car adn she refused. So she said she had to arrest her. And then she said she had to arrest me too, since this was considered domestic violence and she said I hit her. I tried to reason with cop, but she said 'I don't know who your gf thinks she is, but she can't talk to the police like that and she needs to be taught a lesson."
My gf refused to get out of the car so she called for backup. They arrested her and then they put cuffs on me and took me to a different police car. Then the 'paddywagon" came and they tried to put her in there, but she started having a panic attack. The cop walked over to the car I was in to speak to the officer and I told them she had severe anxiety and probably couldn't handle it. So they put me in there and took her to the hospital. They tooke me to a detention center, thankfully I never went behind bars, but it was jail nonetheless and I was stuck in there for over 24 hours. They brought her in after they released her from the hospital, about 2 a.m. in the moring. She came to me and started apologizing and crying. yet still she seems to be mainly concerned about how it affected her. She hasn't been to work for a few days and thankfully went to a counselor and doctor for anxiety medicine and is trying to find a psychiatrist. But she won't say it's her fault and I don't know if she really sees that she needs help. I think she just think she needs help because of the traumatic experience being locked up caused her.
I feel like this should be a big huge red flag telling me to get out now. Of course, she is trying to be loving now and says she doesnt want me to leave. I am putting off talking about it until we get over this. I couldnt take time off work so Im still trying to process it all and cant deal with trying to move again (we just moved into a house that she bought). I'm at such a loss. Is this ADHD and can she be helped? Or is this abuse? Should I wait and see if she goes through with counseling and maybe meds and will go to couples counseling? I love her and I'd love more than anything for us to have a great, loving relationship. But I just don't know if we can ever recover from this, if she will ever change. I can't keep living like this. Any advice or insights would be much appreciated.