Things between my husband (who was diagnosed with severe ADHD) have gotten completely out of control over the last few years. Even before we discovered his diagnosis I got this sense he was PURPOSEFULLY provoking me until I completely lost my temper. First off, I own every wrong choice and reaction I've ever had. I don't blame him for them, I am my own responsibility. But before him I was much more laid back, quiet, and patient. Now I am constantly on the verge of tears, in extreme anxiety (I'm on anti-depressants and anxiety medications) just waiting for him to "flip" from the guy I love to the one who seems hell-bent on hurting me emotionally past my breaking point. Because it's only THEN will he back off and go back to the loving guy I married.
He had a mother who was an alcoholic and neglectful of him. She was very volatile, and her and his dad would have extreme fights and arguments. My feeling is he is purposefully (without even thinking about it) pushing me to the point where I act more like his crazy mother did. I read a lot about people who try to re-create their parents marriage and/or childhoods, even if it was awful, out of familiarity and comfort. I started wondering about this because he seems almost gleeful when I do finally snap. Like something had been achieved.
There is much more to my story, but I just wanted to ask if purposefully provoking their partner is an ADHD related thing, or if it could be something else. I have been with him 13 years, and I'm 99.9% certain I am correct that he is provoking me past my breaking point on purpose, be it intentional or not (though again, I am not pinning him with blame for my angry choices, I just want to know why this is happening).
Thank you for reading!
Comorbid Conditions
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
This could be one of the common comorbid conditions that often accompany ADHD--Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, for example. With ODD, annoying people is fun and stimulating. With BPD, purposely provoking someone is part of the push/pull I love you/I hate you dynamic--they provoke someone when they are too close so that the other person will leave, then almost immediately try to win that person back. A BPD girlfriend from college used to pick fights in the middle of sex and demand that I leave, only to complain that it was "a fine way to leave me" when I started getting dressed.
In terms of ADHD itself, provoking leads to fights, which the provide a type of stimulation that many ADHD people crave. It could also be impulsiveness and a lack of filters. My wife can blurt out some really hurtful things that I used to take personally and fight back against. She would then use the excuse that I should know that she doesn't think before saying things and they therefore come out wrong.
There is a trigger....
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't think it's intentional (if it is, it's sadistic) if not, he needs help to expose this reality he is refusing to face....I suggest you start documenting what was said or done before he turns to pressing you....In my opinion something is eating at him, and he doesn't even see him self as the aggressor, until you lash out....Only when you lash out does he realize what he has done.....(Gone to far)....For men it could be many things....Past hurts (abuse)...Not feeling fully accepted by you...He could have trust issues and insecurities eating at him....Are you pushing him away sexually? That could cause it....
I knew a man who was doing this to his wife (she was a wonderful kind lady) he would drink and rough her up, emotionally, and just press her trying to pick fights....She finally left him....He died about 15 years later...She was remarried...When she found out he was about to die....She asked her husband if he minded if she went to see him...Of course he said that was fine....He was in and out of a comma....While she was by his bedside....He looked at her, and said....Her name..."Joey, how did I get here"? She witnessed to him, and prayed with him, and lead him to Jesus there before he passed away....
I don't know what is going on with your husband....But I am so sorry you are having to suffer because of it....Try to stay calm, (when you feel your stress level rising, leave, go for a walk or drive, it takes two to get cross ways, just walk away, it makes him have to face himself when you aren't there to take it) and see if you can link up anything that might be triggering it.....You may need to insist on counsellng....
c
Provoking on purpose
Submitted by Diana75 on
Hi, I have recently read of the behavior you describe as being a symptom of adhd. The article said that sometimes people with ADHD create drama to give them stimulus and promote engagement and focus. I imagine this must be very frustrating for you. My partner of 20 years, recently diagnosed thrives in dramatic situations, he’s the first to respond in emergencies which is admirable but he also inflates work situations to unreasonable proportions which gives him energy but drains everyone else.
Yes, sounds very similar. How
Submitted by Lost Wife on
Yes, sounds very similar. How does he inflate work situations? That is a HUGE FACTOR in my issues with him.
I have experienced this a
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I have experienced this a whole lot. In addition to what's already been said by others, I think they do it so they can justify their own behavior. If we act crazy then they feel less crazy. They tend not to ever take responsibility for their own actions and do a lot of blaming of others. If it's hard to find a reason to blame us they'll push until they make something happen. I know you're taking responsibility for yourself which I am careful about doing as well, but granting that we are responsible for our own actions, it is VERY difficult a) not to react badly under so much pressure and b) to come up with any response that they won't turn into something to be offended about. With my SO I've seen him over the years always pushing boundaries too, so there seems to be a thing where this type of person seems compelled to test, test, test, and to make it their mission to push past wherever they sense a limit or boundary of any kind.
God everything you've said
Submitted by Lost Wife on
God everything you've said sounds so like him. And yes it feels impossible to not react to things seemingly fine tuned to push my specific painful spots, but I know it's my choice, and I feel horrified to see what I let him turn me into, and to realize he's (intentionally or not) using me like this, because it's tearing me apart bad enough I've had suicidal thoughts (wouldn't though, my mother did and I'd never do that to my kids). I just want peace.
Thank you for your post. I truly am unsure how to deal with this.
It could be an ADHD symptom.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
It took me years to realize that my husband was right, and I did, in fact, sometimes provoke him when I was unfocused to gain focus. I had NO IDEA I was doing this, really and truly. He noted that I would become visibly happier once he lost it. Again, I had no idea (obviously, self-awareness is not natural for me). I really didn't believe it until I read it in a book. At that point, I started realize it AFTER it happened (I'm impulsive, too) which was unhelpful, but at least a start. I RARELY do this anymore, and apologize when I do.
Given that he's experienced trauma and neglect, as well as poor relationship role models, this may not be just ADHD. Is he actually diagnosed, and does he treat his ADHD?
Thank you very much for your
Submitted by Lost Wife on
Thank you very much for your reply. Yes he is diagnosed with severe ADHD. Scored super high on all fronts. He takes Adderall, which helps a bit in some areas but it also seems to have made him more aggressive. We're working on finding a good ADHD therapist, but they're rare where we live, and we're pretty poor. They just came out with the generic for Strattera so we're going to give that a try too. But he doesn't actively seek solutions to his behaviors concerning his cycles or treatment of me. He flat out denies what I say is happening.
And yes, what you describe sounds so similar to what I'm experiencing. He seems almost relieved when my anger finally explodes. I also get the feeling if not ADHD, it's some weird manipulative, power grab thing because after i blow up, he refuses to face anything he's contributed, because i'm the one that went TOO FAR. So therefore everything he did before, or even if he retaliates worse than me, are deflected. I have owned everything I've done at least, but it's like he's allowed to look down on me after I explode. He's allowed to dictate the conversation. He's allowed to tell me what matters and what doesn't. He's even said I'm f***** in the head for thinking he ever did anything wrong after the way I've behaved.
I hate it so much. I've tried not reacting for so long, and all it does is cause him to act out worse and worse, to the detriment of our family. Because if I don't snap, he starts in on our teenage son. Or he'll blow off work so we don't get paid or have money for food, or do some other thing he KNOWS hurts me. So I have taken to just reacting as soon as I know he's doing it, to get it over with so the kind man I love will come back faster. But it's not healthy or acceptable.
I truly do not feel its intentional. Despite all I've said he is a very loving, kind man. It's why I have stayed for so long. I feel his is lost in severe ADHD and just want him to see what he's doing and stop. So if you have ideas I'm all ears.
I think that he might not
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I think that he might not register what he did because his focus is on your anger. That's not an excuse for his behavior, by the way; I just think that is what is happening. As soon as he's gotten you to blow your gasket (and again, he may not consciously be aware of how he is "self-medicating." I sure wasn't.), he's calmer and wondering wth your problem is. Ugh. Please don't take this the wrong way. I am describing how I believe he is processing the situation, and I get that it totally sucks for you. As far as the aggressiveness, I think that may be more of a male thing. That's not okay, though.
And yeah, I remember realizing for the first time that I had breathed a sigh of relief when he got mad. Why? Not because I enjoy having an angry husband, not because I'm malicious or sadistic. No, because I had no conscious awareness of what I was doing, and as soon as he got mad, my neurotransmitters kicked in and all of a sudden, I was FOCUSED. What a crappy realization; that I was pissing him off to get my brain to light up. :/
But blowing off work and not having money for food is absolutely unacceptable and is absolutely selfish.
I think he's using you (unconsciously) as some type of cue for when he's taken it too far.
All of the medications work differently in different people, but Strattera is not great. It has cardiac side effects, though it's a non-stimulant. My heart rate shot up 40 BPM, and my anxiety was awful. It takes weeks to build up, though, so just be mindful that your husband may not realize why if he's feeling out of sorts. A friend recently went on it, and I warned her, too. Sure enough, her heart rate shot up to 100, and she is a runner. It also increased anxiety for both of us. It's not highly regarded, but it DOES work for some people. It's the only one that I feel is more often universally bad with side effects than the others. The other big 4 (Concerta, Focalin, Adderall, and Vyvanse) have side effects for some, and not for others. I have tried them all, so it's a crap shoot, but hopefully, he will find one that works for him.
As the old saying goes, "Pills don't teach skills." So proper medication is but a start, especially when one is severely ADHD.
It may not be denial after all.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've called this blindness to her behaviors (all she does to provoke me) denial for 10 years...Maybe she actually doesn't see her self....WOW!....This thread is intense (I've been through so much of the same pain; bad memories)...But it is definitely educational
A good day for us, is just live and let live....My wife can't stop from being who she is, neither can I...So, if it cost me a little extra work, patients, going it alone in may things, then that is fine, because it can be done in peace....
What destroys that peace...Is when I take offense to selfish or disrespectful behaviors, and then my mind say's (Hey, your wife is a kind person, just point it out, she will think about how that would feel to her, if you did the same, then she will repent and change! Yeah right! LOL)...So I say Do you realize what you are doing!! ??....No she don't....That question just sent the peace, strait to hell...
No body has to like these limitations...As a matter of fact, we can hate them.....But, if we want a life of peace, (no fussing and fighting) we better well accept them...
c
I can relate
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My husband does this as well with both me and my daughter. At these times, it seems as if he is not happy until we are upset/angry/over the edge. Then it's like he walks away able to say WE are nuts/overemotional/overreacting. I think it is somehow a stress reliever for him. I have talked to him about this in calm moments. He can't exactly see it clearly, but admits he sometimes "pokes" us. He doesn't know why and I am not sure it is something he can control in the moment. My new strategy is simply to say with a completely even tone of voice something like, "I am not talking to you until you address me respectfully." I do it right out of the gate at the first "poke" or instigation. And then I physically leave the room immediately. He may follow me. I will repeat it when he tries to provoke me again. It has worked for me in reducing blow ups and stifling this behavior somewhat. It is very difficult for me, though. (Sometimes I still lose it!)
That is the best I have been able to do with this frustrating behavior after 16 years of marriage. I feel for you. Lots of us on these forums are in this with you if there is any comfort in that.
Pretty soon you'll be running marathons
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Pretty soon you'll be running marathons periodically calling out 'Not Listening!' as your husband follows closely behind with a 'running commentary'. Whatever works!!!...
This made me laugh
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This made me laugh because it is probably true!!
Provoking a partner
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My ex husband did not have ADHD, but he purposefully provoked me for many years, along with other abusive behavior until I filed for divorce 8 years ago.
His provoking me did not lead to anger on my part. Instead, I would break down and sob. That seemed to satisfy him. To see me broken brought a look of smug satisfaction to his face. He would then pretend that he hadn't said or done anything. He would give me a blank, "dumb blond" look and act like he didn't know what he had just done to me. Of course, he knew exactly what he was doing, because he only provoked me when we were alone, so no one else was a witness.
Thank all for your thoughts
Submitted by Lost Wife on
Thank all for your thoughts and advice and experiences. It very much helps to know I'm not alone. Today is not a good day, and am looking for support and direction :(
The day before yesterday (when I first posted) was our latest blowout, of which he refused to even let me talk. So I asked him yesterday again if he could please talk with me, hear my feelings, and be there for me, regarding our latest blowout. I had already apologized amd owned what I'd contributed and validated his feelings, immediately after the incident.
I asked (And this is all verbatim as it was over text, except for a couple words changed for clarity) "Are you willing to come [talk] for a few mins to listen and care about my feelings?"
Him (he said more but it was all about the same):
"Here i thought you were choosing my feelings and not to be selfish, and it sounds like it was the opposite
You know you've still barely apologized for the way you acted
Everything is about you
Ridiculous
And selfish
and childish
If you still don't see what you're doing you're nuts"
I just wanted a yes or no :( And here's where I start to feel crazy, because I never defended my reactions, i agreed with him, and tried hard to validate him. He is the one who has not acknowledged, validated, etc. But he's telling me the opposite of what really happened. He may not feel validated enough, sure. But this is the pattern, and in the end no matter how good I try to be he refuses to let me be heard or emotionally cared for regarding what he contributed. So I'm just left alone with the pain of it all, not knowing how to deal.
To be honest I'm heartbroken, and am more and more wondering what else could be out there for me, and I hate I'm even thinking that because I want only him. But at what point do you decide to give up on him and save yourself? I feel like after 13 years of this I'm too broken to even save myself
Wow! So similar
Submitted by klem on
I’m new here and just posted my first post today...my husband has ADHD. I have no advice for you but I am in shock at how similar our situations are. I get the same responses from my husband.. even over text. I’ll apologize if I do get angry, he won’t acknowledge his out of control rage at all, and will tell me I’m selfish, etc. it’s very sad & has made me question my sanity. I wish you the best....
Blowing up work situations? I need to know what this means
Submitted by Leo2115 on
I'm new to this site and am just now putting together the pieces of my own relationship puzzle. My SO was diagnosed as a child and I didn't know that this was something that could affect relationships. He is text book and all of these posts are exactly what I've been going thru. We've been together 17 years but only showed his true colors after we had my son almost 4 years ago. I wouldn't have put up with this shit before hand. So now that we have a kid its put me in a stuck position. When you guys were talking about blowing up work situations, please explain what you mean by that???? He says he hates work and uses "his stress" as an excuse to treat me and others poorly. I'd like to know how to put a mirror in front of his face. He absolutely refuses to take responsibility for anything. I'd like to make our relationship work but I need him to actually see himself. He treats his mom like this too, this angry impatient bully and I'm sick of her excusing his behavior. It's not acceptable anymore. I do NOT want my son modeling his behavior. Thank you for any info!!
Blowing up work situations? I need to know what this means
Submitted by Leo2115 on
I'm new to this site and am just now putting together the pieces of my own relationship puzzle. My SO was diagnosed as a child and I didn't know that this was something that could affect relationships. He is text book and all of these posts are exactly what I've been going thru. We've been together 17 years but only showed his true colors after we had my son almost 4 years ago. I wouldn't have put up with this shit before hand. So now that we have a kid its put me in a stuck position. When you guys were talking about blowing up work situations, please explain what you mean by that???? He says he hates work and uses "his stress" as an excuse to treat me and others poorly. I'd like to know how to put a mirror in front of his face. He absolutely refuses to take responsibility for anything. I'd like to make our relationship work but I need him to actually see himself. He treats his mom like this too, this angry impatient bully and I'm sick of her excusing his behavior. It's not acceptable anymore. I do NOT want my son modeling his behavior. Thank you for any info!!
First off my husbands ADHD
Submitted by Lost Wife on
First off my husbands ADHD issues first became very pronounced once our first son was born, and after a major move (they happened around the same time) and with each new baby, move, or other major upset in routine his behaviors are much much worse. From what I've read, ADHDer's hav issues with breaks in routine, and it can throw them into a freefall of sorts, and it takes awhile for things to get back under control.
Pertaining to work, his issues have wreaked havoc all over the place. He cannot stay on task, complete projects, meet deadlines, manage time, forgets to email clients. So what that means is he has a lot of pissed off people wanting their work done, and we are flat broke because he just wont finish his work. He's also become a heavy liar to cover it all up, with me as well as clients. He will often complain about stress and say he needs more time, more time, more time...which translates into me doing everything else in the house and with the kids (and I work too). Its the typical Parent/Child dynamic you find in ADHD marriages. And I have grown to heavily resent him for forcing me to undertake way more than my fair share.
One of his methods of provoking me is to blow off his work, thereby not making money for necessities for our family. He knows full well that its a major sore spot with me. So out of nowhere he'll just do anything but work, and sadly I've reacted horribly to it, giving him that stimulation I guess he was looking for.
You sound exactly like me 7 years ago when I had my first baby. I do believe it will only get worse with age and each new baby/move/etc, not better. ADHD doesnt kill marriages, denial does. If he's anything like my husband, he will step over your boundaries time and time again, and take every ounce of energy you have and not ever think he's doing anything wrong. You cannot force him to see himself, all you can do is place boundaries and care for yourself. I hear the same anger brewing in you that I have, and I have let that anger change me. I hope you don't let it change you.
It sounds like your husband is having a hard time dealing with his ADHD issues at work, and is struggling to deal with it all and it boils over to you, which is not okay. Is he taking medication and getting help?
Oh thank you for getting back
Submitted by Leo2115 on
Oh thank you for getting back to me!!!!! His work issues are this....for the first 10 years I knew him he didn't work. We moved apart. Decided to move back to the same state. We were not having kids at all and ooops had my son unexpectedly. Then he took a high stress commission only job and does great he makes great money. He's a great employee. Except he hates working and we are here in my hometown because I have been working towards a nursing degree. I got accepted and now i am going into my second semester of my program. He knows what I've been doing all along. But hes fighting it every step of the way. So I have 1 1/2 years left I cannot go anywhere but instead of just hanging in there he complains and criticizes me constantly. I'm a positive person and he is negative. Instead of seeing we have a nice home, great healthy kid, job that allows us to eat and care for our son and for me to finish school. He fights something that he cannot change right this second. I'm not even sure what would make him happy. Even when he wasn't working, he wasn't exactly happy. Because no money coming in and he was living off of savings. All going out nothing in. It's like if there is nothing to complain about he will find something. And he's started projecting. He tells me im all these things....im like a child, I'm mad all the time, I don't like to go anywhere and do anything. I'm not any of that. He is. It's maddening. I've suspected he can't see himself clearly for a while now. And I guess that's true. He tells me I need to look at myself but I'm a highly sensitive spiritual person. I look inside a lot plus nursing school really forces you to. He deflects everything. I cannot give any feedback without deflecting and shifting blame. Our fights have become this experiment. I noticed when he provokes me and I go to the next level he would back down. So I tested the theory. He didn't say a word. It worked. But it's not me I don't want to get to that level. Yesterday I told him to shut up in front of my son. Not the person I want to model for him. But he pokes me and only stops when I do things out of character. He constantly nit picks me, tells me what's right and wrong according to his opinions, how to do everything, he treats me like a child but he refuses to lift a hand around the house. Won't pick up after himself. Insists on hanging coat hooks all over our walls so he doesn't have to hang anything on hangers in the closet. He just hangs it on a rack covering the wall. I went so far to redesign his closet with hooks and shelves so he doesn't have to open drawers. I'm so fed up. He's emotionally abusive and there is so much more. This is just a little bit of the problems. Thanks again for getting back to me. And he doesn't take meds, he will not see therapists. He was forced to take Ritalin as a child and hated it. We live in a pot friendly legal state so thats what he does. I don't.