ADHD or a Failing Marriage?

I feel that my husband, who has ADHD but not admit it affects my life, is so clever that he manages to turn everything around and back to me. This makes me feel so hopeless and I don't really know whether I should worry about it or just do what I have done for seven years, just let go! and forget about it until the next stormy day.

An Example, yesterday I try talking to him about how he can go to our family Dr and tell them to get a proper diagnose for his ADHD and that the only treatment for it wasnt just rythalin (which he is not prepared to take) that just talking to the Dr may open some other options of getting better with it. But then He claimed to feel and be better and that he's sure his ADHD is so mild it may not even be there. Easy for him to say as he doesn't have to live with him! Five minutes after the conversation he turned around and said: Well honey everyone have issues you have quite a lot of issues from the way you were brought up that affect our present all the time so you should get that looked at!

Now how am I suppose to take this seriously when he's never brought it up before, only bringing it up on our conversation about himself is just a way of turning it all around to me. I know I have communication issues to solve and that's why I have asked him several times over to try Therapy with me because he's the only person I can't communicate well with... He has every single time dismissed it, said that will never talk to a stranger, that it wasn't necessary. The thing is he manages to turn things around to me every time I have a problem with him or with something he's doing or not doing! I feel that there would not be room for improvement if he never accepts any of the problems I am facing everyday!

What troubles me the most is that he talks and talks and talks about any subject for long and I listen to him out of consideration and respect but when I need him to listen to me, to be there for me emotionally he just says he "can't take this anymore". So longterm I wont be able to be happy in a relationship that doesn't give me the basic emotional support that I need. I am so not sure of the future of this relationship and he says I will love you forever, I will never leave you, I will always be there for you and our son. I think Yeah just as long as I don't open my mouth to talk, I say maybe he just need a blow up doll! Bad joke sorry. Seriously I am running out of options!

Any comments, advice, ideas are all very welcome

Lol, blow up doll,

I like that, it made me laugh,maybe that's what they really need,sorry too, bad joke as well.Anyhow, the one thing that I have learnt with my ADHD husband is that the person that the ADHD affects the most is "them" the ADHD person himself,not that I have not been affected also, but for years he have been struggling with this disorder from a kid into a grown man ,and his Mother never made it any easier for him,she has ADHD also,when you stated he doesn't have to live with him,no! that's not at all true,in fact they have to actually live with themselves,we all have to live with ourselves,till the day we die.The truth is, if he doesn't do something to change himself,or any ADHD  person for that matter, no matter "who" they are dating their relationships will always be on the edge,My DH has been married once before me,living with 7 different woman and now me,so tell me who is living with the ADHD"HIM" not you, not me, but "him"I could leave tomorrow and I wont have ADHD it will be him.So don't worry my dear that is all in the thinking of the ADHD spouse,My DH did me all that you are going through and more,and I am still the one with the red cloth while he runs me down with his horns.He always turn everything on me also,and that terrifies me, so I know how you feel.hang in there,be strong,I have you in my prayers.



Some ideas for improving your conversations:

  • "chunk" your conversations to one topic at a time - if you start with one topic and move to many more, that may stretch his (limited) patience
  • try the "learning conversation" technique explained in my book (chapter on communication)
  • make sure you have his full attention, first (eye contact)
  • take a walk together to talk - walking calms the ADHD brain and will help him focus better
  • schedule time to talk about logistics - save the more free form conversations for important emotional topics
  • don't talk shop on dates - have fun conversations on dates, then logistical or difficult ones at other times (too many make the mistake of saving their needy conversations about the relationship for when they are out because that's the only time they are together.  This is a mistake - ADHD partners tend to respond by then resisting going out on dates in the future...)

If your partner is resisting dealing with ADHD at all, you might consider signing up for my upcoming course.  Hearing others struggling with the exact same issues is excellent for helping make getting an evaluation less scary - it depersonalizes the ADHD and also helps demonstrate that it really is the ADHD, not the person.  Probably half the couples who sign up for the course have an ADHD partner who is unsure of how ADHD impacts them and their partner.  Most figure it out during the course, though, and leave with a desire to take charge of it.

My advice is to get

My advice is to get counseling for yourself. I've been preaching that a lot on here, but I feel that it's the only thing you can control. You can choose to mend yourself, whether it be from a bad childhood or hurts inflicted by your relationship. 

When I first suggested counseling to my husband, he was very resistant. Back then, we had only been married a year and he was convinced that every couple fought as much as we did, etc. But after a while I fell into such a depression that I could barely get out of bed in the morning and I had to do that because I was the major breadwinner.

After I saw the counselor a few times, my husband joined in for a session or two, but didn't commit to it. We continued to limp along and he eventually moved out and away for a job opportunity. I stopped seeing the counselor after a few months and relied on the anti-depressants to me through. Last fall, I got back into counseling again. I went for a couple of months, but eventually got to the point where I couldn't move on with myself because I felt like I had so many unresolved problems in my marriage. I actually was preparing to formally separate from my husband, but he suddenly wanted to try counseling. We've been going for close to six months and I'm happy to report that things are going a lot better. But he's taking his meds (for the most part) and he wants to work on things. If he was belligerent about the whole thing, I don't know if I could stay in the marriage. We've got a long road ahead still; I still have a lot of issues with some of his ADHD based habits. But at least there's hope on the horizon.

Short story long, get help for yourself. Your husband may or may not join up, but at least you'll have a bit more clarity about your situation.