ADHD or just flawed characters?

I wonder about some of the stories of women in these forums speaking of their ADHD spouses. I have a female friend who is married to an ADHD guy - she is terribly ADHD, while her house is a mess and decorating is not her focus, she and he seem to have it mostly together - their kid is fine and loved, no one forgets to pick the kid up. Both of them engage in high risk sports - kiteboarding, whitewater kayaking --- it is their way of expressing their need to hyperfocus. She has had problems with keeping a job and is a risky driver, but does manage to almost always be employed or is productive in spurts and the employer accepts. Then I have another friend who is basically a single parent to her ADHD, now ex-husband. He was just a mess, drinking too much and being selfish, unreliable, defiant... all the things people here talk about. He blames ADHD but I've seen functional ADHDers so I kind of think maybe its just his personality. I am ADD, have impulsive behaviours and take risks with driving - plus the high risk sports though I have always been self supportive and self motivated (though I have my moments). I guess my personal experience doesn't support ADHD being the entire reason behind some of these stories. I feel some of these men are enabled to to wreak havoc on their families. My experience supports that the people I know with ADHD can actually be exceptional achievers if they scrape together the discipline or very bright and clever but just don't achieve up to their potential ... the ones I know are self sufficient, hard to keep up with and lots of fun. Definitely not for the "safety first" crowd ... but not the jay holes some people describe in these forums. That seems to be just ... them. I'd be interested to know your thoughts.