ADHD or trauma, is it time to call it quits? The resentment won't leave

Hello all. I have been with my wife for 6 years, married for almost 3. She has been diagnosed with ADHD for almost a year now. Prior to her diagnosis, we both attributed her symptoms to her trauma history which is pretty extensive. Her and I both come from rough upbringings and have our own individual healing we are working on (seeing our own therapists and also engaging in couples therapy). I had to beg and stay on reminding her about going to see a therapist and to start couples therapy with me. She lacks any and all motivation, drive, and initiative and honestly I am sick of hearing ADHD be an excuse. She is medicated, though does the bare minimum on medication management. She claims a past medication she was on worked better but won’t talk to her doctor about switching back to it. It’s even a victory that she goes to the doctor, so I just stay out of it. Our relationship has been marked by me having to remind her to do so much: shower, brush her teeth, take care of herself, help with chores around the house, maintain her car, go to the store for groceries etc. I am sure most of you know how it goes. My childhood involved a mom who was extremely mentally ill and abandoned me, so I feel like I got into this relationship trying to save her, but now it has just taken a toll on me. I have grown in therapy and no longer want to be that person. I want an equal partnership. I don’t want a partner that is my child, I want someone that helps me out in life because I am more than capable of doing everything on my own. So aside from triggering me in the way that she is completely unreliable, she seems to forget and not hear anything. I have brought this up on so many occasions it’s ridiculous. I have a huge surgery coming up next year that will require a lot from my caregiver (her) and I am TERRIFIED. I am scared she is going to forget to keep up with changing my bandages, giving me medication, overdose me with medication, etc etc. Yesterday she asked me a question regarding my surgery plans and if I had done something that she was actively involved in helping me do. I sat there stunned and so angry. How could she forget something so important? She knows how much I am stressing over this and how big of a deal this is to me. I just need her to show up for me, prove she can handle it, and this is what I get in return. Her therapist gives her advice to do those brain puzzle books to help with her working memory and she comes home excited and tells me about them and how she loves doing them but does she buy one? Nope. I decided to get one for her and she was so happy about it, has she done it yet? Nope. I told her last night I am so close to being done and walking away, I can’t take this anymore. She needs to actually put in effort. I am scared that I am already done with our marriage, the damage has already been done, the trust broken. I know she tries in some ways but I just can’t help but feel like I deserve so much better and how long will I continue living like this. I am in the worst depression of my life, I have tried 4 different anti-depressants within the past year and can’t help but feel that the problem is not actually the medicine but the situation I am in. She constantly stresses me out, makes me depressed and all I want to do is sleep and not be present because it reminds me of how disappointing everything is. I see that some of you talk about implementing boundaries with your partner to make things last, what types of boundaries were they and did they help?

Thanks for letting me vent and share.