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I'm sorry for what you're going through. I was with an ADHD partner for twenty years and on anti-depressants myself. I have no history of mood disorders... my doctor pointed out I had "situational depression." The pills could not fix my situation and ultimately I wondered why I was medicating MYself to manage HIS condition. He showed no interest in doing any of the work to improve things on his end.
I tried implementing a lot of boundaries, especially in the final five years of marriage. That seems to work very well for some. For me, I just felt like my whole relationship was walls to protect myself and I was simply being a person with her guard up all the time just to continue tolerating the relationship... which wasn't nurturing ME in any way at all. After 20 years, I finally had the courage to leave this year and I can see even more clearly now how right that choice was. It is one thing when the ADHD partner is actively trying... and another when no matter what you say, do or medicate yourself with, they don't change a thing.
I worried a lot about what would happen if I needed him for a medical issue. I knew he would be unable to support me. Where I live, the hospital offers little support when you have a spouse because they assume you have help at home. Not the case! Now that I'm single, at least I know I could get the professionals coming to my home to change dressings, do thereapy, bring meals, etc. because there would be no expectation that I had help (which with my husband, I wouldn't have).
I fully understand how you feel and you do deserve to be happy. IMO, only the person with ADHD can improve the parts of the relationship that are impacted BY that ADHD. We can work with them, support them, but if there's minimal to no effort from them, nothing will change.
I am currently in the same situation where I have given up. I am a retired professional nurse. I won't go into my story now, though you already know the answer as to what you need to do to protect yourself. Hint: You have already seen the movie.
Sending you hugs and strength. Thank you for your insight. I think I am just trying to deny what I know I need to do because I have no one else, even though I know somewhere deep down I would be better off alone.
Thank you for sharing your insight on this. It reasonates so much. I was scrolling through your post history and we have experienced many of the same struggles. I saw you wrote you immediately felt less hyper vigilant. I long for that feeling. I told my wife I feel like I need to be planning 100 steps ahead because of her inability to think things through. I just never envisioned my life, my marriage being like this. :(
As difficult as separating was, there is no denying the instant relief. I am a single mom now, and my life is easier than when I was was with my husband. There is less to do, not more.
I know how awful that hypervigilence feeling is and I'm so sorry that's where you're at. Sending you hugs and warm thoughts. No matter what you decide, you deserve to be happy.
You wrote: "I feel like I need to be planning 100 steps ahead because of her inability to think things through".
This speaks a lot, although I'd substitute 'him' for 'her' because my husband is exactly this. The words "hyper-vigilant" also resonate with me. Thank you for putting words to what I've been feeling. There are days it is very overwhelming. .
hank you for sharing your insight on this. It reasonates so much. I was scrolling through your post history and we have experienced many of the same struggles. I saw you wrote you immediately felt less hyper vigilant. I long for that feeling. I told my wife I feel like I need to be planning 100 steps ahead because of her inability to think things through. I just never envisioned my life, my marriage being like this. :(
You asked what kind of boundaries others have set and how well they work and I'm glad to share what my experience is.
I too am not so sure if I will stay in this marriage until death may part us. Even though I want to so much!
The boundaries I have set so far are more about me checking in how much I involve myself in my spouse's life. If it doesn't concern me or our children I make my greatest effort to stay out of it. In your case I would drop the monitoring about brushing her teeth for example. It just gives you a headache to try to help her get through the day and distracts from your own day.
She has managed before you were together and she will be able to now as well. If you treat her like a child she will act like one because nothing is required or demanded from her. Just stop for a while to do anything for her that doesn't involve you and let her know if she happens to ask. ,,You are a grown up and equal individual to me. I trust that you will make the best decisions for your own life."
If she want's to have cavities let her. But she has to pay the bill! Separate the money if possible. She is responsible for her own finances. Don't do them for her. And if she doesn't pay off her credit card it's her problem. Be transparent about your actions and speak respectfully if you can. Let her know that she has the same value as you and that she has the same responsibilities as well.
I myself don't take verbal abuse from my husband and leave the house if he starts. I drop everything and let him know that I am his wife and he has to treat me in a respectful way if he wants me to be around.
I stopped organizing his stuff for him. I through everything I find laying around in a bin on my so called 'clutter counter' and he can dig through it himself. This way the clutter is (somewhat) contained and I still didn't fix his problems for him.
I too am/was in couples counseling and individual therapy. I started not engaging in the couples therapy anymore though because I really can't see the point. He isn't changing after over two years of weekly meetings and I am tired of trying to help him. If he wants it he has to do it. He is supposed to get individual therapy but never started. I am not telling him to either. It's just another sign for me...
I myself am going to a great therapist though and I am telling my husband about it too so he sees that I am working on myself. At least that's one less thing he can say I'm not doing.
All I try now is to keep educating myself about ADHD and on relaxation techniques for myself to not get too overwhelmed and triggered. My therapist is very aware of the impact of ADHD. Find one for yourself who takes this disorder seriously. Many therapists write clear ADHD behavior off as all kinds of other things because they just simply aren't educated or ignorant of the fact that it can be that simple.
As for your surgery if I'd be in your shoes I would try to find an additional person who can be there for you. You could tell your wife that you want to make it easier for her so that she isn't stuck with all the work by herself. This way you can avoid an argument and be at peace as well that you will be taken care of.
Remember all things are temporary and nothing lasts forever.
I was in the same situation
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I was with an ADHD partner for twenty years and on anti-depressants myself. I have no history of mood disorders... my doctor pointed out I had "situational depression." The pills could not fix my situation and ultimately I wondered why I was medicating MYself to manage HIS condition. He showed no interest in doing any of the work to improve things on his end.
I tried implementing a lot of boundaries, especially in the final five years of marriage. That seems to work very well for some. For me, I just felt like my whole relationship was walls to protect myself and I was simply being a person with her guard up all the time just to continue tolerating the relationship... which wasn't nurturing ME in any way at all. After 20 years, I finally had the courage to leave this year and I can see even more clearly now how right that choice was. It is one thing when the ADHD partner is actively trying... and another when no matter what you say, do or medicate yourself with, they don't change a thing.
I worried a lot about what would happen if I needed him for a medical issue. I knew he would be unable to support me. Where I live, the hospital offers little support when you have a spouse because they assume you have help at home. Not the case! Now that I'm single, at least I know I could get the professionals coming to my home to change dressings, do thereapy, bring meals, etc. because there would be no expectation that I had help (which with my husband, I wouldn't have).
I fully understand how you feel and you do deserve to be happy. IMO, only the person with ADHD can improve the parts of the relationship that are impacted BY that ADHD. We can work with them, support them, but if there's minimal to no effort from them, nothing will change.
I second this.
Submitted by CagedNoMore on
I am currently in the same situation where I have given up. I am a retired professional nurse. I won't go into my story now, though you already know the answer as to what you need to do to protect yourself. Hint: You have already seen the movie.
Hugs
Submitted by ajax076 (not verified) on
Sending you hugs and strength. Thank you for your insight. I think I am just trying to deny what I know I need to do because I have no one else, even though I know somewhere deep down I would be better off alone.
Im glad you’ve found peace
Submitted by ajax076 (not verified) on
Thank you for sharing your insight on this. It reasonates so much. I was scrolling through your post history and we have experienced many of the same struggles. I saw you wrote you immediately felt less hyper vigilant. I long for that feeling. I told my wife I feel like I need to be planning 100 steps ahead because of her inability to think things through. I just never envisioned my life, my marriage being like this. :(
Relief
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
As difficult as separating was, there is no denying the instant relief. I am a single mom now, and my life is easier than when I was was with my husband. There is less to do, not more.
I know how awful that hypervigilence feeling is and I'm so sorry that's where you're at. Sending you hugs and warm thoughts. No matter what you decide, you deserve to be happy.
You wrote: "I feel like I
Submitted by whydidInotseethisB4 on
You wrote: "I feel like I need to be planning 100 steps ahead because of her inability to think things through".
This speaks a lot, although I'd substitute 'him' for 'her' because my husband is exactly this. The words "hyper-vigilant" also resonate with me. Thank you for putting words to what I've been feeling. There are days it is very overwhelming. .
Im glad youve found peace
Submitted by ajax076 (not verified) on
hank you for sharing your insight on this. It reasonates so much. I was scrolling through your post history and we have experienced many of the same struggles. I saw you wrote you immediately felt less hyper vigilant. I long for that feeling. I told my wife I feel like I need to be planning 100 steps ahead because of her inability to think things through. I just never envisioned my life, my marriage being like this. :(
You asked what kind of
Submitted by Take 5 on
You asked what kind of boundaries others have set and how well they work and I'm glad to share what my experience is.
I too am not so sure if I will stay in this marriage until death may part us. Even though I want to so much!
The boundaries I have set so far are more about me checking in how much I involve myself in my spouse's life. If it doesn't concern me or our children I make my greatest effort to stay out of it. In your case I would drop the monitoring about brushing her teeth for example. It just gives you a headache to try to help her get through the day and distracts from your own day.
She has managed before you were together and she will be able to now as well. If you treat her like a child she will act like one because nothing is required or demanded from her. Just stop for a while to do anything for her that doesn't involve you and let her know if she happens to ask. ,,You are a grown up and equal individual to me. I trust that you will make the best decisions for your own life."
If she want's to have cavities let her. But she has to pay the bill! Separate the money if possible. She is responsible for her own finances. Don't do them for her. And if she doesn't pay off her credit card it's her problem. Be transparent about your actions and speak respectfully if you can. Let her know that she has the same value as you and that she has the same responsibilities as well.
I myself don't take verbal abuse from my husband and leave the house if he starts. I drop everything and let him know that I am his wife and he has to treat me in a respectful way if he wants me to be around.
I stopped organizing his stuff for him. I through everything I find laying around in a bin on my so called 'clutter counter' and he can dig through it himself. This way the clutter is (somewhat) contained and I still didn't fix his problems for him.
I too am/was in couples counseling and individual therapy. I started not engaging in the couples therapy anymore though because I really can't see the point. He isn't changing after over two years of weekly meetings and I am tired of trying to help him. If he wants it he has to do it. He is supposed to get individual therapy but never started. I am not telling him to either. It's just another sign for me...
I myself am going to a great therapist though and I am telling my husband about it too so he sees that I am working on myself. At least that's one less thing he can say I'm not doing.
All I try now is to keep educating myself about ADHD and on relaxation techniques for myself to not get too overwhelmed and triggered. My therapist is very aware of the impact of ADHD. Find one for yourself who takes this disorder seriously. Many therapists write clear ADHD behavior off as all kinds of other things because they just simply aren't educated or ignorant of the fact that it can be that simple.
As for your surgery if I'd be in your shoes I would try to find an additional person who can be there for you. You could tell your wife that you want to make it easier for her so that she isn't stuck with all the work by herself. This way you can avoid an argument and be at peace as well that you will be taken care of.
Remember all things are temporary and nothing lasts forever.
In times of desperation I try to think of that.
Good luck out there!