My husband was diagnosed earlier this year and it's been a hard journey. The diagnosis brought up a lot for him and he went into a pretty unhealthy place for a while. I have stood by him, while giving him space to work through things. He has previously been a very good partner for 5 years before being diagnosed. This is all complicated by his small business ownership and that being a point of contention because of the usual financial and hyperfixation issues. But in the last 2 months we have both made progress towards healthier interactions.
He recently went travelling for 3 weeks for work and while he was away, had some realisations or insights into things about himself and us that were quite profound. I felt heard and validated and was really looking forward to him getting home. On his return however, I feel we have taken a number of steps backwards as the stress of business ownership and life in general kicks in. He seems to go into these wound up episodes where I can't reason with him. I know I don't always approach situations with what he needs and I am trying to be more empathetic.
I do have hope because he is willing to put work in to himself for the sake of our relationship and for himself too. And his insights while he was away proved that he is not in denial about some of the challenging traits of his ADHD. I'm not expecting a crystal ball, but I guess I'm seeking other people's experiences with this. Does insight ever slowly translate into change? Can symptoms be exacerbated after a diagnosis and eventually level out?
Im in the same place
Submitted by doghome on
My husband was diagnosed within the last 2 years after a long struggle in our marriage of now knowing what the reason was. He is also now aware of how hard it has been on me with the lack of attention and not listening, not able to remember. He gets now why Ive been so frustrated, and he too is willing to work on it for me, us and himself. Its also given me a new outlook on things, instead of feeling like he was doing anything intentionally, I now approach it differently and we work thru things much better, still can be annoying, but I choose to let it go because I know his heart. He likes lists, he likes reminders whatever it takes. I will say under any stress situation, (like maybe what your husband is experiencing with the business?) he struggles the most and we have to pause, and re-focus because for us, we know stress sets him off the course he is working hard to stay on. It sounds like your husband is willing to do the work, so maybe its just a matter of figuring out a new normal for the two of you to make it more level. For us we know it will never be what I called "normal" but we are both willing and working to find ours and Im satisifed with the results so far.
Thanks for your reply doghome
Submitted by ClaraB on
Thanks for your reply doghome. I get it when you say "I know his heart". If we hadn't had a very happy 4-5 years together before the ADHD symptoms affected us, I don't know that I would have had the patience to hang around. I know my husband usually makes good decisions, even if his approach to things is sometimes very different to mine. We have shared values. My husband has not embraced many strategies to create structure, as his business ownership is a 24/7 job at the moment as it gets going. He does have strategies for stress management - like exercise and other hobbies, meditation, that he is trying to implement. The business (which started just over a year ago in an industry completely new for him) has definitely exacerbated some ADHD symptoms, or at least made them more problematic - he's very distracted, easily agitated, constantly working. There is also more at stake financially, which worries me. I feel he was much calmer in a standard work week job. The catch-22 is that he feels much more stimulated and satisfied with business ownership, despite the stress it can bring. I think there is a blurry line between what is ADHD and what is just standard new business stress, but the business definitely brought out his ADHD more than ever.
It's all a journey isn't it. Some days are better than others, but I think if the better days are getting more frequent it's worth seeing how good things can get.
Youre right, its a journey
Submitted by doghome on
It is a journey and I think having the diagnosis really helps, at least for me. Now I try not to take things personally as I had done for so many years, I was always hurt but now I try to not be, not saying it doesnt still hurt or bother me sometimes. But I think we have in common, we know their hearts, he will apologize and say things like "im so sorry you have to live with this too" It helps me to know that he isnt doing it on purpose. I get what you mean by being calm at the job, my husband is so focused at work with the routines and being held responsible, when hes home its always been different so we are working on routines and I have board up with the "things to do" that helps him stay focused. He will be retiring soon and he worries what will happen, but I hope to have a handle on routines and other things by then. Maybe with your new business it flow into a routine once it gets stable and wont be so stressful and he can find that calm there too. There are alot of very informative people here I bet you will get some more input from other soon too. I like hearing from people like you that are working on this like we are too, so thanks for sharing your story !
Hope for the best
Submitted by T00T00 on
Yes, my ADHD husband's insight slowly translated into change. An example is now he is playing with our toddler son more often than before, so I can rest. Maybe you can assist him in something for his job while he rest? Then he can assist you in something for life in general while you rest? Take turns resting or resting together from stress.
Symptoms can be exacerbated not just from stress (trauma, lack of deep sleep, lack of sun, lack of nutrition, etc.). For the symptoms to level out, it sometimes need medication on top of therapy (CBT, mindfulness, etc.) depending on the level of illness.
I can only hope for the best for the both of you as your husband's new business become stable. If the budget is okay, maybe you can hire one-time or part-time help for the business/life in general.