Hey all. I will BOLD relevant info for the skim readers. Keen for help from non ADHD and ADHD participants.
Currently reading "The Couple's guide to Thriving with ADHD" by Melissa Orlov & Nancie Kohlenberger
I am not married to my partner but I have severely been rubbing her the wrong way with this reoccurring issue. I am a 27 year old male and she is a 21 year old woman for reference.
When I don't understand which parts of what I said weren't understood, I always want to know which bit was misunderstood so I can recall the needed bit before I forget it. Repeating every single part would be exhausting so I try and grab with a quick question the bit they need before the sentence flies out of my brain and is lost to my shitty memory. Typically of ADHD, I usually say too much even when I try not to. That lines me up to fail as it reduces the likelyhood I will recall things too.
All that sounds pretty reasonable though that was just the setup, but anyway the issue is what I sound like when I am trying to get that rushed question of which part is not understood. It is flat and emotionless and it squashes her and makes her feel like I think she is stupid or annoying. We have talked about why it happens but what I am at now is just admitting I probably can't remember anything of what I just said, which if you are ADHD yourself makes your normally invisible deficiency feel painfully visible to admit you can't remember something you said 3 seconds ago and that makes you feel even more broken than usual.
I feel like the intense sounding questions are me gripping onto my own brain to cope with poor memory, but all the mental intensity I use to control myself leaks out and makes her feel like garbage.
Has anyone had any experience with this?
I need some advice. I don't mean to hurt her. I want to hear everything she says and I want everything I say to reach her and be understood by her. Do I have the wrong approach here? I feel like it isn't too late to make a relationship that works here and of course I would not want this to lead to her no longer wanting to cope with me.
Understanding the different realities.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Tenket...Some things can't be fixed about us...But that is OK, if we calmly except these human tendencies/abilities/inabilities....The problem occurs when we label our realties with terms like **Shitty memory**...That automatically makes your normal sound like you are wrong, or you need to do better...You will never have the ability to grasp information, and use recall (memory) at the level your 21 year old friend does....She has to understand that, and not judge you based on her own abilities....There are things about your abilities that she would sorely be lacking in, if you judged her to have your abilities and talents in certain area's of life....
What creates your tones, is your desperation (stress) to match her expectations (and yours) in conversation....Usually those expectations aren't realistic...But, because, like you said it...this invisible reality, is reality non the less...It must be accepted, calmly discussed, owned by you, as being you....And understood by her, when she or you engage the other, swapping information....Loosing patients is very easy when the huge difference's aren't patiently accepted, and you both have to stay aware of it...
Our ability to have verbal conversations has nothing to do with love...It has everything to do with our minds....So try to attack this issue with understanding, and ownership....And NOT judgments.....Understanding may mean less conversations...Or, it may just mean smarter conversations....Only face to face, no hollering room to room, etc....I spent years not respecting my wife's inabilities in these area's...And she spent the same years carrying the shame of thinking she should be able to do different than her reality...She suffers with inattentiveness, distractions, and short term memory issues....Which to not own, and expect, only creates more and more stress....For both partners....
Relationships mean's a lot of things....And when both partners calmly accept how things have to work (discipline) for peaceful times to be shared, then we move forward....But we stay in reverse, if we keep living like the huge reality difference isn't there.....
Humility and understanding must be had to openly discuss how our minds work....But nothing else can change our dynamic for the better but honesty, ownership, and acceptance by both partners....The only thing that can fix it, is to live alone....It's reality....
c