I have been with my boyfriend for 18 yrs we have son 14 I knew for years my boyfriend had trust issues his previous wife cheated on him with his friend. Which was nd still isiss always being accused of doing something that I didn't do say cheating on him or whatever I never have then he say why you getting so defensive which made him think due to guilt no it s due too innonencee constantly trying to defend myself the issue would resolve only when he was done with it angry person name calling short tempered outbursts and always wondering if you got his back and am I loyal. He only mean to my self ad his mother. I never do anything for him. No need to go into that BS he was just recently diagnosed at the age of 50 with ADHD his issues stem upbringing due to stepfather not nice and mom taking dads side. He even more a jerk (sorry)I'll do what I want and don't tell me what to do we haven't lived together iin 13 yrs last night was being accused of having a second phone line not the first time being accused of it and am doing conferencing calls so he would sometimes call me with a no caller ID trying to trick me and if I answered why did I answer either of us being technical people so then I spent hours upon hours trying to prove to him that I did not have the second line and once again after all these 18 years never cheated it always comes back that I'm the one that starts an argument he does not communicate any time I try to express my feelings not now I give them a headache he's too tired but yet there have been times when he wants to talk about an issue that he blew out of proportion he showed up my house for o'clock in the morning and I live with my mother who is in her 80s and the issue he has is usually something that's not true and is trying to convince me of things that I said when I know I didn't so I usually agree with him to calm the situation so supposed to start this medicationand just started talk therapy so hopefully they'll get to relationships he's not nice to his mother either we are triggers he has three adult children if one of them were to say same thing to him he would get tearful because they care if you get a chance listen to and check out the lyrics to Lincoln Park new song heavy it's a good song
Adhd person thinks that you're the one that has a problem and he is always right I
Submitted by Balert50 on 05/03/2017.
Barlert50 This is a Sad But Not unCommon Story
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm sorry you have to be on the receiving end of this and I know how you must feel. The real issue, and the main problem with all of this is not your fault what so ever. You can only do things to make it worse or better, but you are not to blame for it no matter what his accusations are? In just what you said, I can see this picture clearly, but it will take an outside source ( like a therapist ) to help him sort this through. The truth of the things that have happened in the past, are in some ways the answer and the very thing preventing him from letting go it and discontinuing on this path of self destruction, namely because this does have to do with his family of origin, but in this case, specifically his mother, not his father like he thinks? In the essence of what you said.."his mother, sided with his father" but that is only a part of the story here? This goes so far back into a person childhood and there are so many variables at play here...that no medication is going to fix that part..and only a therapist who is well trained in these things, is going to help him work this through? All of that, is not directly related to ADHD and is not necessarily and ADHD issue? Possibly only worse because of it, but ADHD is not the cause by any means.
The only ADHD issue I heard in your story, are these movements of attacking you verbally and name calling etc.....or losing control of his emotions ( in the moment ) like that? Underneath that and at the core of this is really fear, lack of trust and unresolved past issues? That part, is not strictly ADHD, even though more common with it, than without I think? The part that really stood out to me as I heard you, was the part where he only mean to you and his mother. His step father, not being nice....is not really where this comes from? The biggest part to where this comes from...is him, not understanding that he had a part to play in all of this? There is a reason why, his step father and his mother treated him the way they did ( not excusing thier ignorance and their part either ) but...he definitely had a part to play in this as a child ( due to his ADHD but without any awareness of it ) which did cause these reactions to him as a child...and I would imagine...especially by his step father who walked into that situation unknowingly.....not understanding what he was signing up for with a child who has ADHD. That kind of misunderstanding, is what leads to this very thing but out of ignorance only with no mal-intent? The saddest part that I can relate to here...is that there really is no one to blame or at fault, when everyone is wrong...but with no mal-intention on anyones part in that story? That includes your boy friend, even now I'm afraid. It's not his fault...but it's not their fault either? But there is nothing you can really do here to fix that, but you are now getting the buck, passed off on you. Lack of trust and these distorted ideas he has about you, are simply abusive to you and that is not your fault either? There is no amount of explaining and defending against someone who believes you are doing things that you aren't really doing? You can't make that person believe differently...until they can fully see their part..and how that contributes to this, and where that actually is coming from? There is something in the past, that is too painful to look at or address, and until that day comes and they deal with that themselves....you will always be held in contempt, and are subject to these distorted ideas that have nothing to do with you? Either to fix it....or to make that person believe otherwise? Until he can face the music, and deal with his own pessimistic fatalistic view from that perspective, you will always have this cast of suspicion over you and you'll alwasy be the "bad guy" and be in conflict with his past and what he believes is true....but is not true...until he figures this out himself.
The big problem that I feel for you especially, as my T has explained to me, that "the abused, takes a piece of the abuser with them...and can become the abuser themselves later on." In those moments or in those over reactions emotionally, part of that is ADHD itself. You can have that, without the other.....but you can't have the other...without the past in there to deal with and resolve. You can't make someone trust you, even if you might make one false move or one small mistake in a way that is not having his back or having the right sympathy or compassion for him ( with no way to know ? )
When you are a victim as a child, and you remain that way...then someone is always doing something to hurt you, and that simply can't be true. No one is perfect and you can't walk on egg shells....but no matter what you do or don't do....his perceptions and how he see's you...are all about him, not you. You have no part to play in that one...no matter what crazy thing he is accusing you of doing? That part, is ALL in his head and you can't do anything about what was already there, long before you met him. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know how hard that is.
J
Living in the 3rd Person
Submitted by kellyj on
I just had a thought, and it's not a new one by any means. What I have found that is the most painful aspect about any of the things in your story ( which was mine in my past and one I still experience all the time ) is this idea of living in the 3rd person. Which really equates to co-dependency and not seeing your partner for who they really are? When their is lack of trust in some invisible "entity" with a lack of agency if you will ( outside of your self that is )....all you have is the 'image" of the other person, and who you want them to be? This kind of "ideal" that you hold that you want, but then when the other person is not that ( or not what you imagined them to be or imagined them to be like ) then this "other person" that they really are...is like the 3rd person in a group of two people? Without any experience or resources to draw from in your own experience...and who you see that person "as"...or "as they appear to be".....that is not truly understanding them, with understanding and compassion to draw from in your own experience? You cannot give another person, your experience. And telling them "of your experience" is not the same thing? In literature whether it be fiction or non-fiction....unless it's a text book or history or presented to you in a dry format without emotions and feelings like a school book perhaps? You are reliving that story, through the eyes of the author...in the 3rd person, as second hand knowledge? You can only imagine the characters the places the situations in the story....but you were not there 1rst person...to witness these events? You have no experience, to what the author sees or saw? You can only imagine what that is like, by creating that image in your head. The imagine, in the 3rd person, as hear say of what they experienced? The bottom line here is....you're weren't there...and you have no experience like that, to draw from as a resource to tell you what that was like? You are ill equipped and unprepared to know what that experience was like? If you actually traveled to that place and met the real people in the book or story....it might be and actually will be, completely different, than what you imagined and the image you held of that in your head? And when that happens in real time, in real life in the first person while you are experiencing "them"....it's like they are looking right through you and "you" the person who wants that connection...are disconnected from them since who they see, and who they image you to be, is not real...just like in a fictional story or a fictional character. Living in the 3rd person...is a painful way to live? If you are trying to live up to some ideal "image" that a person has created for you.....then that is an illusion or is not real...to the person you really are? And the same hold true for them of course...but you have no ability or clarity of who they are talking about...since who they think you are ( or imagined you are ) is not really you, the real live flesh and blood person, who is standing in front of them?
These are those distortions I was mentioning, and how that comes about I think? In my own words to describe this 3rd person....when there are only two people sitting in the room at any one given moment in time? All I can say is...I understand this and I understand how much that hurts. Especially coming from a place...where "I SEE" them, and who they are...and all the ways they are different than me....but I have no conflict or unresolved issues that I have attached to them? If I do not need another person, to be anything but who they really are....then all I want from them in return...to see me for exactly that? Who I am, for who I really am....not some imagined "ideal image" that they have created inside their head? When that happens, there is no real connection...and without that kind of understanding....with no conflict for all those flaws and differences that are different from me in an accepting way...there is no compassion. Not my compassion for them...but their compassion for me? That's what hurts most....living in the 3rd person especially when I'm that 3rd person...and they can't "SEE ME"...for who I really am? I will never be able to live up to an image or ideal...who is not really me? And every time I don't. ( for what ever reason that unseen, unclear and without any understanding of what that looks like? ) I am lost without any means to to even know...what I should be....and that is a hollow experience without any real connection. All I really require or can ask of anyone...is to be real and authentic and be honest about themselves and tell me the truth? Not that I have to like the truth...but the truth will set you free? All I ask for, is to be free of the 3rd person..and not become invisible to them? Like they are looking through me...and seeing someone else instead. That is the illusion or distortion of reality...when you become that 3rd person to someone else? That is what is most painful of all..and what really deep down hurts. I know the feeling well, which is why I do my best to not see people as the 3rd person and see them for who they are...and still like them or Love them...either way with no conflict what so ever. That is all I can ever ask for myself to be happy and feel accepted for who I really am? That includes any flaws or ADHD symptoms as long as I own them, and not blame them for not liking them if that time comes? I can always compromise and work things out, from that place no matter what and resolve any misgivings or trespasses I've created, right then in the moment, and move forward from there without harboring any resentment or bad feelings towards them. In the moment, resolution..and move forward without taking that with me in an on going basis? No one is perfect and neither am I? No fault, no blame, no conflict...no problem. And if there is a problem....it is resolved immediately and the conflict is resolved. None of those things exist, if you are doing this well? I don't even expect that to always be the case, but even under those conditions...these are short lived at best. I think, any time I can say "me too, I understand" or "I can relate"...even if I don't like it ( or the sound of what I am hearing ), or even if it's not what I would do, or how I would feel..... that's a good indicator that I am doing this well myself. The litmus test if you will, as an indicator of how well I am doing?
J