My husband is diagnosed with ADHD. I do not have it. I would very much appreciate advice on this:
my husband is large, tall and very loud person, I'm the opposite-petite , skinny and very quiet( naturally). English is his language and I'm not a native speaker and putting sentences together under huge stress is very hard. When we have a disagreement/ conflict he completely dominates it for the reasons above. Every one of those I enter with a problem to solve and leave with 100 new problems, and emotionally in rags myself, with the feeling that there's no way to be heard, no way to be able to be open and honest. So I silence myself and it all is collecting inside and the I cry it out daily. That is horrible but so far I didn't find a better way to cope. Did anybody?
also, last time we talked, he picked the sentence ( pretty trivial one) I said, removed some words, added new ones , switched the word order and claimed that by saying that I'm being rude and purposely offending him. He was roaring at me like a wild beast, at the top if his lungs ( remember, he's already large and loud ) . Basically, he twisted my words to create reasons to be offended and rage at me.:( I was terrified to death , I mean I basically died on some level then.
I just do not know what to do. It wiped out all trust and safety feeling in me. He acts like nothing happened and I'm just crazy depressed woman:(:(:(
(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you
Submitted by Libby on
(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are going through this. It is heartbreaking for sure. It sounds like he has some trouble regulating his emotions which is common with ADD. Is it possible for you to get some individual counseling for yourself. Or maybe a support group of some kind. I have found alanon to be very helpful.
Keep reading here on the forums and know that you are not alone.
Sorry you are going through this.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My ex husband used to rage at me on a regular basis. He would turn everything I said and did around , so that it was my fault. We were not opposites physically, as I am 5 foot 8, but he still knew how to dominate, with his face red and twisted with rage, and the carotid artery sticking out on the side of his neck. These episodes happened when we were alone, and I felt that I couldn't say anything, because no one would believe me.
I don't know what to say or do to make this better for you. My solution was divorce, because after over 10 years of this, I couldn't take it anymore. My ex refused to own his behavior, and would not admit that he did anything wrong. He even twisted things so much so that the marriage counselor we saw ONCE, declared that I'm an angry person. I would recommend counseling, at least for you, to have someone to talk to for guidance and support.
If your husband has rage issues I would recommend "Why Does He Do That", by Lundy Bancroft. I realize that some folks with ADD/ADHD have trouble regulating emotions, but there is no excuse to rage against someone and manipulate what they say. (Gaslighting) To me that indicates that more could be going on here.
Why Does He Do That
Submitted by TryingtoChange on
I just want to say thank you for suggesting that book. Ever since I read your comment suggesting it, I've been reading it. It's taken me a long time to get through it because there are a lot of difficult truths to come to terms with. But that book is phenomenal. I'm a little over halfway through and I can truly say it is life changing.
You are in a highly abusive relationship....
Submitted by c ur self on
Please take care of yourself....You have a person who isn't wanting to hear you...Based on this story he is only wanting to bully you...That is abuse....I would not recommend you staying subjected to it....And I sure would not try to converse with him, or allow him to drag me into a session of his abuse...It sounds like he has major anger issues, and easily jumps to a state of rage, based on this post...
Glad you reached out!
Submitted by SeekingEquanimity on
I'm so sorry to hear that your ADHD spouse is behaving so badly! You are not a crazy, depressed woman! You may be depressed, but that's understandable.
Blowing up is a common ADHD symptom. My wife who has ADHD doesn't rage like your husband, but she'll snap at me or try to start a fight over absolutely nothing. Over the years I've gotten better at just ignoring her.
Rage is much harder to ignore and you shouldn't have to endure it. If it's to the point where you're terrified, have you considered staying with a friend until he agrees to work on his anger issues?
He needs to learn how to manage his ADHD symptoms and stop trying to blame you.
I'm so glad you reached out for support!
Submitted by SeekingSupportT... on
I can totally relate. The past two months I have experienced my husband having mood swings and anger that I never seen before. Everything you wrote sounds similar to what I'm going through now. It ends us up in silent treatment. My husband doesn't realize his yelling and temper tantrums are scary and won't admit he is wrong. He can be very insensitive. It's more noticeable when he drinks too.
He recently got diagnosed with hyperactive adhd and me with inattentive adhd. He is unwilling to sign up for therapy, but I have signed up because I need it to cope and such.
Does anyone have any tips to deal with your spouse's rage? I can't handle it anymore.
Solving anger outbursts and rage.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We've worked through it for the most part....It takes recognizing the specific times it's happening, and what's going on when it's happening....But even then, it takes lots of discipline, and boundaries to solve it.....
In our case...I had to recognize and accept this dynamic exists in her at certain times much more than others....When she gets up late for work (which is most everyday) and of course she is unmediated, (take her adderall when she wakes) and is struggling to get her life in order and out the door (which is everyday)....So after a few years of me trying to speak a simple word of conversation, while she is rushing around looking for misplaced stuff, or just trying to focus on the simple strategy of getting out the the door...Which isn't simple for her mind...So after being on the tail end of this dynamic, where she tells me, I can't speak to her, but, she can speak to me....I set her down, and placed a boundary on her...I said....I'm going to respect your right (not speak to you) to lay in bed and listen to 40 minutes of alarms, then jump up and try to get everything done and out the door in 30 minutes...But under no circumstance's are you to come to where I am, and speak to me (wanting something, be my mother LOL)...I enforce this by disappearing from time to time to make sure she don't try to revert back to being dependent....This is one example, there are other times she has a high probability of be explosive...(outbursts)....Of course I'm human and be can ill also, but, I just can't allow myself to speak into her life, knowing who she is, then match her emotions.No one wins with that crap..LOL...You can't get into a argument, if you refuse to speak, and just walk away...Most people cannot do that....They will die screaming I'm right, before they would recognize that no matter who is right....Taking part in loud emotional dialog is bad 100% of the time....It's taken this proud guy years to recognize I need to divorce her...Or accept I have to shut up and leave her barking at the air....No words from me, usually gets an apology...One word from me, get blame....
People with add at the level my wife has it, will never see themselves, and care to do better if there is any thing at all to blame it on....You have to force them into the corner of awareness, by zero participation.....ZERO...Like I said, it will never end for most people....