hello everyone :)
Let me start out by saying I'm so glad I found this site!!! I can relate to so many ADHDers on here! Now on to my point. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three and a half years. Over the years, we have come to the realization of how much of an angry person I am/can be. He thinks of me as "unhappy" person and now, I do as well. Up until recently, I thought it could be due to the depression that runs on my mother's side of the family. My grandmother is a VERY unhappy person. Constant negativity and constant nastiness to other people. Possible contributing factor? Possibly. But I'm not nasty towards other people. And for the negativity? Lets just say I could look on the brighter side of things a little more often. What has led us to this conclusion, is I explode over the littlest things A LOT. Not as much as I use too, but I still do it. He has told me in the past that he only likes being around when the happy me is present. Also, I have a hard time with letting the little things go and overreacting. I know this in my heart. If I don't get my act together, its splitsville for us (he has also told me this multiple times). We've been trying to work together on improving our relationship for a couple of years now. With some improvement, but not complete satisfaction. I'm delighted I came upon this website. I'm hoping it'll help me with my ADHD related issues, and therefore, improving our relationship. We have discussed splitting up, but we both agreed that we don't want too give up on one another yet, if ever. But sometimes I wonder if we're beating a dead horse. How do you know its time to throw in the rag? When do you know that time has arrived? I love this man dearly, and I would be devastated if I ever lost him. I'm a very lucky woman to have him in my life. Especially after 3.5 years of at times, hell. I am at a loss as to what to do. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated!! Heck, even someone responding that can relate to my situation would be uplifting! :-D
Is it ADHD?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hawaiianbluemoon15,
I read your post, and I am not sure if there are any diagnosis of ADHD? Are you just wondering about apply strategies that help with managing ADHD?
I was diagnosed with ADHD as
Submitted by hawaiianbluemoon15 on
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a young child, and I sure wouldn't mind some apply strategies :-)
Typo
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
hawaiianbluemoon,
that sentence should have read 'applying strategies.'
I agree, a lot of who we are
Submitted by copingSAH on
I agree, a lot of who we are can be based on our environment, upbringing, the kinds of experiences so far in life. So if you were around your grandmother, probably some of it rubbed off on you. If you are with your boyfriend, then over time his positivity may rub off on you. Sometimes there are overlapping symptoms between depression, ADHD, bipolar, etc (in terms of the negative thinking/meltdowns) which a medical professional can help you pinpoint.
Before I go further into
Submitted by hawaiianbluemoon15 on
Before I go further into detail, I should mention my grandfather was a fairly normal guy. No depression or any other health issues, too my knowledge. Although he was a smoker. I totally agree with what you're saying, but heres the thing. Growing up, I was never around my grandparents. Partly due to the distance, but mainly because my mother didn't want me too be around them. They were drunk a lot of the times I was around them, and they were alcoholics much of my childhood. Although, I was around her some when I was a baby and when we lived in California. I learned all this through listening to my mom explain to other people why I was never close with them. I believe that the depression on my mom's side of the family, is hereditary. My grandmother has it (obviously), my mother has it, and I have it. I definitely think seeing a psychiatrist, is the way to go, but I live in a smaller city, therefore my options are fairly limited. I probably should mention where I possibly get ADHD from. My dad has it, my mom may possibly have it and my younger brother did see a developmental pediatrician several years ago to determine if he has it or not, but no one really followed through with it.
New Member
Submitted by RoseBudd on
Hi,
Read your post and wanted to welcome you! I am new, also, and this is my first post. It seems like I have ADD and my spouse ADHD. We are trying to read about this and see if we can get our 14 year marriage back on track. I will probably get one of the books to read, too. I don't want to loose this marriage but also wonder when is enough, enough? I have no peace of mind unless alone or working. So, we have every thing to gain by trying to find out more about this. Just reading contributions from here have helped me relax and regain some hope. Good luck to you!
Your situation sounds a lot like my wife and I....
Submitted by c ur self on
add and adhd...You said you only have peace alone are when at work... I would like to ask you a few questions...Does your husband overwhelm you? Does his energy and pace make you feel like you don't measure up to some degree? Do you get frustrated because you get lost in conversations? Does he go on long detailed monologs that loose you? My wife has add and I have a daughter who has been diagnosed w/adhd...she is a lot like her Dad :) Just wondering how your differences play out in your marriage for you to want to isolate or at least find more peace away from your husband than with him...Also, Melissa's book is very educational and eye opening, so I suggest you follow through w/ that purchase...
"I'll Let You Know When that Horse is Dead"
Submitted by kellyj on
This is one of my favorite comebacks to your query......and you have summed up the very thing that my wife and I are facing as well. Neither one of us is ready to call it quits but the question still remains......"how do you know when the horse is dead?."
I feel it is my responsibility to her to make this assessment at least to start with based on the anger and frustration that I see from her and based on my own ability to withstand it.
To sum it up a different way ( based on a past experience)
When I used to play water polo in college years ago........my coach (great man....former US Womens Olympic team coach) pulled me out of the pool during a game and took me aside. The man that I was guarding was getting rough with me and I already had one personal fowl against me for intentional roughness ( two and you're ejected ) Basically....I elbowed him in the face after he had kicked me in the groin.....subsequently, I got the fowl since that was the end result of this exchange.
My coach told me "look....his job is to get you thrown out of the game and he's one step away from accomplishing that. Your job is to stay in the game so we can win. It's always the one who reacts to a fowl that gets thrown out.....got it??" That's all he needed to say......I got it.
As long as there is any chance in still winning the game then I figure the horse is not dead yet or until my wife injures me so badly that I can no longer stay in the game. (figuratively speaking of course...niether one of us use physical violence against one another)
I'm sorry for this crude example of what I am trying to say but it is how I picture things many times. It helps me stand back and see things from a distance. You can look at this from any side you choose and it still looks the same.
You are not alone in what you are going through and I can relate to everything you've said.
J
Another day with my beloved horse!
Submitted by RoseBudd on
Thank you J, very helpful.
I'm glad...just here to help
Submitted by kellyj on
sometimes I feel like i'm beyond help (ha ha)..so at least it's good to know I can be that for others. Hard to know sometimes? thanks
J
What a hoot. . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Well J,
I OFTEN in my life find out I have been riding a dead horse. You think the stink of it would have been a good sign to dismount . . . . . . . . . . .
Looking for the Back Door?
Submitted by kellyj on
I've felt like this before. I want out but can't find the door. It appears that real world constrains are the only thing holding people back sometimes.....money, kids and support seem to be the big ones.
I do know from experience that sometimes.....not wanting to go backwards after investing so much time into my past relationships proved only to be shoved out the back door which only put me further behind than if I had just walked out the front on my own.
It does seem that some people are stuck in their heads and others are trapped by circumstances.....the latter not by choice. Both pretty much SUCK!
The good news is being stuck in your head doesn't mean you lose your choice. I guess the only one that is worse is having to escape even when you are trapped.
Don't you love metaphor's? I'd be lost without them.
Maybe all you need is a good industrial disinfectant/deodorant? ha
J
Welcome to the site?
Submitted by c ur self on
I've read your post and would like to speak to it...You talked about the relationship with your BF some, and you also spoke about your demeanor, and what might be the cause for your anger/disposition and the negative impact it is having on your BF whom you claim is a great guy...I suggest you go to counseling, alone, and see if a professional can help you uncover the reason for your anger...You need to deal with you...If there ends up being no life left in this current horse...What do you think is going to happen when saddle a new one?
I'm So Exhausted-
Submitted by hawaiianbluemoon15 on
I'm So Exhausted-
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a young child, and I sure wouldn't mind some apply strategies :-)
Hey hawaiianblumoon15
Submitted by kellyj on
I responded to your post because I latched onto your dead horse comment...trying to stay neutral with an example of how I try to stay objective (get perspective). I didn't see any help coming your way so I thought I would offer you some (other than wisdom....as it was)
It appears at this time....I might be the only ADHD male spouse here for the time being (wondering why?) which makes me kind of an anomaly. It given me an unique perspective on this forum for that reason alone which is why this has been so helpful for me (back to perspective)>
On the other side of this......it appears that majority of the people here currently are wives with ADHD husbands and (understandably) are struggling with their own anger and emotions. Many are simply looking for support because they are in very difficult circumstances of their own and are trying to find objectively where ever they can find it and might not have any to give in your case.
I'm seeing some things in your post that I can relate with personally.....so in keeping with trying hard not to give advise (possibly bad advise at that) I can share my thoughts base on my own situation to you and perhaps there might be something there that will help. I'm doing this cautiously as I am far from being any kind of expert. All I have is experience so I'll give this my best shot.
My wife's situation sound very similar to yours (your grand mother, negatively, nastiness ) except this was her mother in her case. She also explodes over little things and over reacts quite often. I have to qualify this saying that I witnessed this about her early in our relationship while dating long before we lived together or with enough time to know me very well. In other words...she was like this before she knew me. I can see in her an under current of pervasive anger that she expresses outwardly in ways I know she doesn't always see. I think she does a pretty good job of managing this but the comments you made about letting go seem to be there even if she is exercising self control in not letting me see it.(letting go)
Bottom line is i think she is harboring a lot of pent up anger from her past and it lives very close to the surface. It doesn't take much to push it right over the top and out onto everything including me. My ADHD doesn't do a lot to help with this either. I have to work hard to separate her issues from my own much of the time. I have to take responsibility for my ADHD symptoms...but that doesn't mean I have to accept the ones that are hers that she has yet to figure out and that don't belong to me. This can get really convoluted if not impossible to do many times.
That's one reason I am here....trying to differentiate my ADHD biological issues from my learned and environmental ones ( mostly family ) In your case....it sounds like you possibly have both as well? The problem is that they get linked together which makes it even more difficult to separate out.
I also can tell that she has not dealt with these issues even though she has some good theories and explanations for them. I have no idea if these are right or wrong....but what I do know is that when I get too close to what I see as being the real issues......she starts to tap dance around them or just gets angry and says she doesn't want to talk about it. I know what this looks like and the fact that it appears as somewhat impenetrable makes me think that there is some denial of the problem on her side. I say this since there is nothing off limits on my end over anything she wants to discuss with me about my own issues including my ADHD. I also say this because I see many of the things that she gets mad about that are related to me......seems out of context, disproportionate and irrational or displaced (transferred) even when I want to discuss things with her and do so willingly. I also recognize denial because of living with it for so many years and have learned how to see it in myself at the very least even if I miss it here and there at times.
The only real advise I can give is to listen to the words he is saying carefully and don't let them slide even if they are painful to hear. He mentioned that he only likes you when you are not angry. I would take him at his word. I would also avoid blaming him for anything that has to do with your anger and try and stop and ask yourself each time it happens.....is it him...or is this coming from somewhere inside me? Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it is then automatically him....in fact.....this is even more validating that it's coming from you and NOT from him and most likely denial of some kind.
That's the only advise I can give you, is the fact that your issues will not get resolved with him or anyone else (including yourself) unless you find out where they are coming from and can see them first. Unless you do this first.......the same things that are being said here in the majority of the posts about their ADHD spouses will be the same reasons you will not succeed in moving past your anger issues with your husband.
This much I do know for sure and have learned exactly the things I just said the hard way.
I hope this helps. good luck (sincerely)
J
JJamieson,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
JJamieson,
I was very happy to find this forum. Most of my time is spent in the 'Anger, Frustration & ADHD' section, as that is where my life still revolves, and that is where I find the people who share my current situation. For myself, it gives me some semblance of sanity to know I am not the only person who is struggling, and stuck, and not yet 100% ready to toss in the towel on my marriage. Some days, I get that glimpse of the joy and happiness that is stuck deep inside my spouse. I pray for the day he chooses to dig it out and live in happiness. I have many relatives who also hope he chooses to get back the joy he once had. Some days I fear that my actions over the years, of always giving in to him, gave him a false sense of security. I pray he chooses to move on from that. Some day we will have grandchildren, and he will make a great Grandpa.
My spouse has an e-mail address, but does not know how to use it. He has correspondence from some past counseling sessions in early 2012, that are password protected, that he has never even attempted to open. He can look around on E-Bay, or check some auction sites, but that is as far as he has gone as far as using the computer goes.
Cannot wait for the day I get to spend more time sharing about my experience in:
1. Progress You are Making and Hope
2. Negotiation and Setting Boundaries
3. Joy in Marriages with ADHD
If you are participating in Melissa's couples sessions, there is a section dedicated to members: Current Seminar Participant Discussions
There are many other helpful sections here too:
Organization
Communication with ADHD
Conflicts Around Household Tasks
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Resources
Women with ADHD
Families with ADD Kids
Support for the ADHD Partner
other
ADHD and Unexpected Anger
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
New research suggests that "emotional lability" is a genetically related part of ADHD for many people with ADHD. Emotional lability is "responding inconsistently and in an over-responsive way" to emotional stimulus - in other words, you are much more emotionally reactive than people would expect you should be in a given situation.
Since this is not being thought of as part of ADHD itself, (as a "core trait of ADHD" as the researchers put it) then it makes sense that you should think of it as a target symptom for your ADHD treatment. You don't mention whether or not you are actively managing your ADHD...medication might help (note: some, like Adderall, MAY may you more emotional, so track this carefully). My husband, who used to have what I called "spurts of anger" manages them with Wellbutrin. He still gets emotional quickly (particularly on the irritated side of things) but it's MUCH, MUCH better. Also, exercise is a mood stabilizer - if you aren't exercising every day you should consider doing so - your relationship is on the line...
My Number One Frustration in Managing ADHD
Submitted by kellyj on
You just hit upon one of the major frustrations I've experienced while looking for answers for my self in searching in all areas of doing better in every respect with managing my own ADHD.....and you just gave me one answer that I have been searching for possibly my whole life? (thanks for that!)
The answer you gave me was ..".then it makes sense that you should think of it as a target symptom for your ADHD treatment."
The frustration is:... "Since this is not being thought of as part of ADHD itself, (as a "core trait of ADHD" as the researchers put it)"
The problem is (multi faceted):...".I already know this and have always known this to a certain degree, better than anyone."
What I mean exactly is.....I know this aspect about myself and can easily see it throughout my life. How could I possibly not see it? I've been criticized, talked to about it and felt the repercussions from it chronically at times as long as I can remember to varying degrees.....but yet with no real connection to anything else that might be happening or I am experiencing across the board.
And like you said about your husband....it varies at different times dependent on different things.
And yes (for example).......excersise does more for this than anything that I have ever known in keeping this in check.
I was actually much more even tempered growing up during my school days because I worked out intensively ( swimming ).....any where from 5 to 6 days a week, anywhere from 3 to 5 hours a day (morning and afternoon), 10 months out of the year, for 13 years straight without any interruptions or break in this pattern. During these years....my ADHD symptoms went almost unnoticed at times. Nothing about me appeared different or stood out in any specific way.
Later, (in my mid twenties) when I completely stopped this pattern to run my business.....I thought I was losing my mind because it appeared suddenly....I was a completely different person. I couldn't make any sense of this and it scared the hell out of me. I thought I might have been possessed (I'm kidding but that is what t felt like) like some evil spirit took over my mind.
So when I have said in the past..... there aspects about having ADHD that you have no control over....(some) people say that it's just an excuse and yes you do have control over your anger. I don't say this anymore for that reason but yet I know there is something about it that I really don't have control over compared to what I see in others.
This is it.....specifically what you said about the not being thought of as a core feature. I understand it as the end result or symptom...that much is clear to everyone. But that hasn't been my issue with managing since as I said.....I already knew this no matter what anyone said to me to the contrary from years of experience. I just haven't been able to pin point it exactly.
The problem and frustration I've experienced is this trying to identify it and recognized it as being a different aspect to anger than everyone else because I have ADHD. All the reading, research and education ( books, therapy ) never seem to make the connection that you just did...or the conclusion by saying you should then think of this as a "target symptom".
I'm thinking to myself...."yes, most definitely...I've been doing this without any definitive connection (for myself) for years but it has been vague or intuitive......and especially because you don't trust yourself (the denial part) that confirms that you don't really have a clue sometimes.
So this is also why I am here.....to make these connections.
I feel like everything I read about ADHD lumps all of us into one big pile and the traits and behaviors to go with it. I know when I read these things that many of them are simply are not true for me. There is no way of making any connection to myself (specifically), unless I have some basis or context to work from that helps me make these disticntions...and without that, I'm just working on intuition and experience.
I realize a lot of this might have to do with how I process information (backwards) from the solution to the problem (deductively?)...which I already have had this as an issue so many times when trying to learn something new.
I also realize that we are all very different from one another is some aspects which just makes it too variable from one person to another to make individual speculations.
The problem and frustration for me is...I need the experts to do this anyway for me and they're not..... To put the theoretical and even hypothetical information out there included into their "current findings"..... in fear of being possibly wrong without definitive validating proof that they are right? (speculating)
Who better than the person who has it might possibly be able to use this information? If the assumptions that it might get mis- applied or mis -understood and it would come back to bite them (legally)...this then might be holding back a key piece of information that someone like myself can find really useful.
Like I said.....I know that I have a problem..... and now I even know a great deal about what that problem is. But the only ability I have..... is to work from this problem backwards to find a solution to it......and all the researchers can do is take the information and finding they have and offer solutions working forward to the problem (which in my case is specifically.....me) There's a gap somewhere in all of this somewhere in between and what I know about me and everything that I am learning.......I think this is where it is coming from.
Either that or I'm just full of shit? That's possible too.
I'm sorry for the rant but this is the section in the forum for frustration and anger right? This is my frustration in trying to figure out my anger. lol
I realize that you're response in this thread was not directed at me and I do fear that I'm hijacking it for my own reasons......but I also think that no information is bad information if someone can use it right?
I also did not want to make these speculations in my response to hawaiianbluemoon15 but I was feeling that she wasn't getting any offerings as she did restate the same request twice and no one was throwing her a bone.
I really do feel out numbered here sometimes ( as discussed in the thread about a separate section for ADHD spouse support ) and so exhausted so accurately pointed out that there are other sections in this forum (possibly a suggestion to me that my welcome in the anger area was wearing thin?) that is one of the problem with communicating to others without the non verbal quo's ...distinctions made pertaining to sarcasm.
So for what's it's worth......everything I just said is exactly why I'm focused on this section.....tryng to make specific connections that pertain to me about anger and anger within my marriage and so far.... it I have made a number of them by being here.
Again...sorry for the rant.
J
Again...I really appreciate this kind of information because for what ever reason I have persoanlly.....I find it to be something that I can get my hands on and actually use to make real changes. Thanks again
Not sure I understand...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
So now you will start thinking of this as a target symptom? Or do you need more info? I didn't fully understand your comment.
I'm sorry
Submitted by kellyj on
I just realized I haven't been very specific. In the process of managing all my ADHD symptoms.....I have a good deal of success in doing this except at very specific times concerning my anger and very specifically when it comes to my marriage.... to the point that the thing we are discussing is almost completely limited to this exclusively. I've done this by going down the list of the causes for this and checking them off one by one to the point that now....I only find my anger getting hijacked and losing the ability to control it to very specific times with my wife. This has not always been the case at other times in my life. Some of this is possibly the importance (the degree) I've placed on things within my marriage but there is still an aspect (still unexplainable) aside from this that I haven't got a handle on and I think the thing you mentioned is really the reason for it. It feels like this is all that is left as a reason for this and I'm really working at trying to eliminate this completely for a number of reasons.....mostly, because my wife has her own issues with anger which has nothing to do with me....and there is no way to separate this out of our conflicts ( as I mentioned in my earlier post in this thread) until I can stop completely which then will only leave her's left on the table. I feel like if I can't do this...she will always be able to use mine as cannon fodder to our issues as she is not appearing to have the ability to take responsibility for it or even have the ability to see it yet. I see this as the future death of our relationship. The way I have found for myself in managing any of my symptoms is to first recognize them (by isolating them to my ADHD) and then using any number of methods that i find that work to do this. so far this has worked pretty well.
But this sudden anger that comes out with her is the one place that I need to find a way to arrest it in the moment or it takes off and I lose control of it. For the sake of argument....I know what she does to cause this and she does it (without seeing she does it for this reason) specifically to get me to lose my temper. I've witnessed her do this within her own family and it is a horrible dynamic they have between with each other....and they are very good at doing it.
I see this clearly from my side and I see this as the trigger.....but again.....even though I have managed the thing you are talking about in myself to the degree that it is under control nearly every where else in my life.....this is still that thing (executive function impairment?) that I only have so much control over but I feel like if I don't find a way to employ some kind of technique or trick to get a handle on this there is little else I can do about it. It wasn't until you made the comment that you did that I was even able to pin point it enough to say the things I am right now. That is why this is so useful. If I don't the source of where it's coming from as different to some other place....then using ADHD symptom management tools is not going to help much.
I see this problem between us being the future death of our relationship and I also see that if I can't 100% stop this on my side.....she is not going to see it for herself on her side. That is part of her pattern...to use my anger as an excuse for the conflicts we have. Her anger first....me resisting.....her using any method she can to finally get me to lose my temper.....and then when I do, turning it back around as validation that it was my anger to begin with. It's really obvious to me but not to her. I see this in her family as ways to get their needs met and it especially comes out when the other person ( the need provider) appear to be doing well and is generally happy themselves. I understand that my ADHD is a contributing factor for this dynamic in her but I had nothing to do with the creation of it. By design, it's intention is to make the other person angry to gain control over them where they feel they don't any. I am so familiar to this in my past and so susceptible to it for that reason....it trips multiple triggers and alarms in me to the point that this sudden impulse anger goes out of control for me. If I can see this as a direct symptom to my ADHD (impluse anger)....I can at least try to employ one of my proven ways in other areas to arrest it. That's why it is so important for me to correctly identify the source or I feel I will never be able to stop this 100%. Generalized ADHD management tools haven't done anything with my ability to do this so far....I need to find something another way.
I may not want to be in a relationship with someone who deals with getting their needs met this way either....but I see that I have to be the one to stop it on my end or this will never get resolved enough to even be able to make that decision.
J
If you haven't...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
If you haven't yet taken my course I would suggest you sign up for the live version that will be given next starting in September. Let ME convince her that her anger responses are not helpful. In addition, you should continue to work on anger in yourself, as you suggest you are doing.
But once the two of you agree that anger is not productive or, more accurately, that you wish to conduct "good fights" rather than destructive ones, then there are things you can do together to make your disagreements more fruitful...such as create helpful verbal cues to avoid the worst ones, learn how to repair, and learn how to start a disagreement in a way that won't put your partner on the defensive. In addition, you learn how to identify when someone is intentionally triggering you as a power play...
I talk about all this stuff in the class...
I'm working on my anger, my husband works on nothing at all
Submitted by lulu18 on
I took your course just recently, not sure if my husband actually listened to all the classes, because he couldn't manage to make it home most nights. I know how destructive my anger is & have been working on it for a long time- even spent 8 months taking a yoga teacher training class to try & reduce my anger at how little he does to take care of his adhd and how terribly his adhd affects our family. I now am a certified yoga teacher & maybe a little less angry but this is a tough one. My husband " admits" he has adhd that was undiagnosed until 3 years ago. He is on meds, which have not worked well & he has not bothered to change them. He went to counseling with me - it was a disaster with non adhd therapist. Well, I found 2 therapists who specialize in adhd in our general area- very expensive but told him go ahead- I don't care how much it costs. That was one year ago. Never went. Couldn't find the time. Too focused on being a workaholic. He is now on the verge of being fired due to lack of follow through in a managerial position. More financial fall out. He has shown no willingness to change. I am left trying to learn to " detach with love" by going to al- anon, even though he isn't an alcoholic the support is great. He ignores me, has for years, even though I wasn't angry then- too busy being codependent then. I am at a loss- do I just put up with his behavior to spare my son a divorce? By the way, I loved your course, got a lot out of it. Too bad I did it alone, as always.
Suggest a coach
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Though your husband has a history of not following through, perhaps his experience at work will encourage him to hire a coach, which I think could help him tremendously. There are some in my referrals section who focus on ADHD and business issues which, for some men, makes it "okay" to hire a coach. They go at it because it will help them at work, and the methods they use spill into their relationship.
Work/life balance is an issue in many ADHD-impacted relationships (including my own) and is a topic I discuss in my new book, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, if you are interested.
I am not a big believer in staying miserable for the kids. Instead, I encourage partners to positively and respectfully LOBBY for moving the relationship in a direction they think would be more healthy. Talk about your dreams for the relationship and paint a picture of what it could be like if some changes were made...make sure to include which of those changes you are willing to contribute as well as as for changes from him.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply
Submitted by lulu18 on
I appreciate your balanced view Melissa. I gave my husband the name of an adhd coach who happens to be on your list a year ago. I only hope that he is willing to go if he does indeed lose his job. I like the concept of " lobbying for positive change" . Since I am a psychotherapist myself, approaching things from a different angle is very important for me- I know I am stuck. Haven't been able to find a way to get unstuck. Glad I posted. As a professional I am sometimes wary of posting out of fear of identifying myself, but I am so unhappy I decided to just join in the discussion & ask for help. Thanks .
Thanks
Submitted by kellyj on
I agree that I am not the person who can change things for her...I would welcome the opportunity for you to help. I also don't believe she is doing this intentionally....I think this is a good sign that here is hope to get to the place you talked about after she has come to this realization. There is the possibility that she won't, but perhaps if she has an alternative to this method she will be more willing to take a step out of the ring. I'm hoping that if I can stay on course long enough (and keep working on my anger response to her) this also will help. I am willing to give her all the time she needs to do this....that is what I have committed myself to do as long as she agrees to try. That's all I'm looking for right now and why I'm doing what I'm doing. Thanks for the encouragement.
J
J, your wife sounds like my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
J, your wife sounds like my husband, who, I think, has some passive-aggressiveness going on. He claims to not get angry but he baits me (sorry, that's the best term for it) so that I sometimes do get angry. It's very frustrating. I don't know that your anger has anything to do with ADHD. Instead, it seems like a normal (although admittedly perhaps not helpful) reaction to your wife's behavior.
Baiting Is the Perfect Word for This
Submitted by kellyj on
I couldn't have said it better. She will try one way, and if that doesn't work...she will come at it again another. If that still doesn't work....she will ambush me (as I said in one post for example) literally waking me up out of deep sleep and coming at me when I'm at the most vulnerable time which in the case of my example.....worked quite well. I was so startled to have an angry face barking at me at 2:00am out of a deep sleep....I reacted quite appropriately by being furious with her. I can't even remember what she was angry about at that moment... but this was all she needed to use as a reason ( for whatever she was having an issue about...pick one) as proof that this issue was about me losing my temper. It's insane. Passive aggressive is putting this mildly.
And even in a moment afterwards when I was awake long enough to think about what had just happened....I clearly saw that the bug up her butt was all about something that we had already discussed earlier that day... but the result of the discussion came to the realization for her that this (thing) wasn't going to happen the way she wanted it to ie: some form of compromise that even though she agreed to in the moment...realized later that she simply couldn't deal with the compromise after the fact. This is her pattern of renegotiating a deal instead of simply coming to me with an alternative.....ambush, attack and turn the tables by making me compromise myself therefore losing any negotiating power I might have had.
I can only see this as a bullying tactic and a cheap way to move the playing field into her favor to get her way (needs met) She also knows how I feel about bullying so this is also the worst way to get me to do anything
Yes.....I do not see this as part of having ADHD but my quick reaction or impulse anger is. My goal is to stop this whole process in its tracks by not stepping into the ring with her by controlling my anger to it. In other words.....not playing ball.
I remember reading that you're an attorney.....maybe you can just visualize yourself in a legal dispute where you have to maintain a certain amount of professionalism in order to win a case. This is the kind of of tricks that I play with myself to keep composure in times like this.
It's ironic that we are here on both sides of the ADHD marriage issue and yet are experiencing the same thing including gender difference. This is what I have mentioned several times in my post where I have said that these things do not sound specific to having ADHD. Thanks for commenting....it is very supportive.
J
You Nailed It!
Submitted by kellyj on
wow.....I googled EL last night and without question......this would appear from the descriptions I read.... that this was the mysterious culprit that I have been searching for in my anger for so many years.
What I didn't expect....or wasn't looking to find.....were so many answers to my personality throughout my life namely......unexplained overwhelming emotions in all areas ie: giggling fits when I was a child, disproportionate sadness or crying at inappropriate times (sudden waves of uncontrolled and overwhelming sadness)....that would come on out of no where and end just as fast.
The only remnant of this in my adult life appears to be my anger response but as I mentioned.....rarely if ever appears except in specific moments with my wife which I attribute to times when I simply reach my limit of endurance or tolerance. This does explain it.
This is what I have been trying to explain and could not by looking at only ADHD symptoms or anywhere else in my personal experience but as soon as read the articles that I did.......the childhood memories of what I mentioned and even the comment by my mother about being overly sensitive came flooding back to me. These are things I have long since forgotten about but all fit well into the model of emotional lability. Simply amazing.....what a score!
I realize that I am self diagnosing based on one comment you made but this does seem to fit too well to be dismissed plus my intuition is also telling me that it feels right as well.
The discussions I read about threshold points really hit the mark with me and I suddenly gained a new perspective from this....a one that says that my gage for others emotions especially anger ( the one in question here) is probably the one that is off as well (over sensitive). It's easy for me to include this in my ADHD thinking for that reason alone since I've already gone past the point of thinking that a number of other things are already out of calibration with the rest of the world. What's one more at this point?
It also seems to explain the differentiation that I could not between any learned or environmental anger response that I have picked up from my family. I'm now speculating that this was also present in one of my parents which would also explain a lot. What a self perpetuating inherent emotional trait if this is true. OMG!
I'm going to use this at times when my emotions feel like they are starting to go haywire in response to others by telling myself......yes this is you not them. Even if I've already done this to a point...it gives me another reason to second guess myself in the moment to simply to stop the train before it leaves the station.
This is the kind of thing that has been really helpful in recent times with all my ADHD symptoms and it has proven to work. I can easily side step most feelings of low self worth and completely detach myself this way.
The fact that I have been in cognitive therapy for a decade doesn't hurt either which, from the articles I read was one of the suggested treatments for EL issues. How convenient!
Thank you so much for this clue.....I gather you had your suspicions based on the things that were being said by myself and the original poster on this thread and it was something that I had not run across before. I'm definitely past the point of looking for excuses but this thing (possibly and most likely EL) was really bothering me since it was the thing that I was trying so hard to explain but simply couldn't. For that reason alone the fear of the unknown seems to has lost it's reason for hanging around any more.
FYI: I am ADHD hyperactive type so this does fit within that as well according to what I read.
Sincerely,
J
This as excellent information for daily living...
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank you Melissa for your post..."in other words, you are much more emotionally reactive than people would expect you should be in a given situation." When I live each day with this knowledge, it makes me so much better prepared to avoid conflict. And I agree 100% with this determination of these findings (not so much if it's nature vs nurture) because in my own life this statement has proven so true...I was reading your and J's comments back and forth...And the light that came on for him :-) There is so much power for us in the knowledge of this truth, or it has been in my relationship with my wife.
Knowledge is Power
Submitted by kellyj on
As long as you then learn how to use it by taking some kind of action. Melissa said this in more words in a recent post that I read.
I have been writing a lot of comments in this forum recently....but in reality, I have been reading much more than writing (actually for quite a while before I ever started even writing them) .
The process of writing has been in part, to test myself as well as mentally putting the information that I have learned in over 12 years of therapy and more recently...here on this forum.....into action to initiate some kind of change with a specific goal in mind.
And the feedback that I have received (like yours) in this post is my mirror. I appreciate this so much.
The only thing less frustrating than ruminating and endlessly grinding away and worrying about feelings of helplessness and your own inability to make changes........is knowing that you are missing something that is standing in your way (obstacles) and not being able to see them or figure out where to look.
This is the process that you have just witnessed with me to which your "light came on for him" originated from.
I've learned how to do this over time and within the last few years....have learned that this is how it works. My goal is and has always been to learn how to do this on my own for myself in an on going way without the need for outside help.
I also realize that this has been one of my greatest strengths as well as one of my biggest weakness at the same time. From the need to literally survive and get my needs met on my own when I was young ....came this ability to fend for myself without help because help and guidance was not coming from any source at the time.
But in the biggest and most obvious way.....it has been my downfall in my relationships and past marriages.....that is to withdraw and be pushed away and default back to self reliance instead of finding a way to communicate to the one person I need the most to help me do this.
This has bee my failure only in that I never learned to this and simply because I did not have the capacity or resources available to learn it in the first place ( no opportunity ) Being completely self reliant means exactly that.
I can totally forgive myself for that but it still has left me without the tools to do this later when I suddenly found myself helpless to do anything about it because of it (no tools or the ability to use them)
In a nut shell.....I think that is why we are all here. The only thing I have going for me now is my own understanding of this.
The only thing that I will add to this in defense of having ADHD is simply the disadvantage that it creates compared to other people in the entire spectrum of skills and internal resources (inherent or learned) and the seeming inability at times of other people (empathy to this disadvantage) out of the the fact that these ADHD behaviors cause so much pain and distress to the very person you need to cut you some slack sometimes.
There is really is no solution for this and I can see that clearly. Trying to defend something that there is no solution for is useless and futile for everyone. Ignoring it is just as fruitless.
The only thing left is to learn the skills to manage it and become aware of it so you prevent it from hurting the ones you love. That really is all that can be done.
And to the degree that everyone here has learned to do this....is to the degree that things become better and changes occur.
When I said that your character shows by being here......that is my recognition of you doing what you are in standing by your wife in the process and looking for the means to make changes on your side too.
I could not ask for more in my own situation and with any luck I will get there as well. Your a good man in my book.
J