ADHD is running my family into the ground

I am new to the whole research thing and have had a long haul to get here.  My husband has ADHD and is very aware of his diagnoses.  He has sought out medication but no real support.  We have been in marriage counseling several times but never addressed our specific issues instead focusing on issues with his mother, of whom we are both sure is undiagnosed, We both work full time and until recently were both home at night with the kids.  My son is 8 and we have run the gauntlet with him.  He has been asked to leave several daycares, has been in a couple of private schools one of which allowed our daughter to stay but would not allow our son to reenroll.  He has been bullied at school but because he lashes out to defend himself he is punished.  He doesn't understand when he does something wrong.  when asked he truly can not tell you why he just thinks everyone is after him and hates him.  We have put him on medication which has helped in the classroom to get him caught up in reading.  He is a really strong math student.  He doesn't understand why no one wants to be his friend.  At home he lashes out at me and has a cutting tongue.  He is cruel to his older sister yet can turn around and be the sweetest kid.  I have boundaries and discipline set but they do not seem to work (daddy doesn't follow them at all).  My husband like my son is very confrontational they both think they are right.  They hardly argue with each other but to me it seems like they are picking a fight with me.  My husband is quick to criticize me with money picking up receipts and questioning me about every item on the receipt yet he has no problem pushing the envelope when it come to due dates with bills.  I am the only one in the house that keeps everyone on track as well as hold down a full time job.  This is beginning to take toll on my health.   I have developed anxiety and was recently diagnosed with fibromyalga.  The walls seem to be caving in.  I do not know where to start. Please help!!!

I don't know if I can be much

I don't know if I can be much of a help to you, other than to say I am with you.  My husband as ADD, and we have three children.  He was diagnosed a couple of years ago, but still has not sought treatment.  He keeps delaying behavioral therapy.   Recently, I have been doing a lot of research about kids and ADD, as I believe that each of my kids is affected in a different way.  My youngest has what I think is oppositional defiant disorder, which is very common in kids with ADHD.  We will get the formal diagnosis in a few weeks. (It has taken months to get the appointment with the pediatric specialist).  My son has a lot of the same behaviors as yours:  he can be extremely loving and then be cruel the next, he blames his behavior on others, he can be violent when angry, and "typical" discipline does not work on him. These are behaviors typical of ODD. These kids also enjoy bothering others (mine loves to annoy his sister as well).    Did your doctor who gave him medication ever talk to you about ODD?   I am so thankful that I know that this is an issue in his brain rather than just him being stubborn (which we thought for many years).  I swear, sometimes I feel like I can just see the switch in his brain that just doesn't allow him to be in control of his behavior or emotions.  This knowledge is soothing to me.   Discipline like time outs and logical consequences will only work occasionally.  And forget taking things away.  When he is in one of his periods of irrationality, you could take away everything he owns and he wouldn't care. I have been trying to set up a system of rewards for good behavior, which is a system which seems to work. He likes to earn things.  The problem is consistency.  I work full time, and my husband is home with the kids after school.  A lot of the issues are after school issues.  The kids are not supposed to have any electronics until their homework is done, but I constantly come home and they have been on the computer or watching TV without doing their homework, and their father is oblivious. He gets too engrossed in his work on the computer.   I am so stressed out about this.   This is my biggest issue.   If  we didn't have kids, not treating his ADHD was only hurting him and me.  But I DO NOT want it affecting my kids.  If I can help treat the pain they are in by setting routines, I will do anything I can.  But I can't get him on board.