adhd spouse and i feel that i am losing it, please help me

my husband reluctantly went to be diagnosed last year, he has been put on meds to control it but the dosage is not right yet, i don't know how much more i can put up with, i have had an early menopause due to cancer and he wants sex 24-7 it hurts me so much to have sex but that doesn't bother him as long as he is happy, i also don't want to have sex with him as it feels like having sex with my child as i spend all day being his mum. i do love him but have been through so much with him and resent every waking moment, he was an alcoholic when we met and now he has been dry for 5 years but he says he's depressed cos he misses it, he was a very violent drunk. i shoulder all responsibility myself and have to shield him from reality because he doesn't want to deal with it, if i tell him we can't afford a new guitar he blows up and rings his mum who gives him the money. he is so rude to other people and says that's because he's scottish and nothing to do with the adhd but when i point it out to him he blows up again, we can't have adult discussions, he no longer wants me to go to see consultant with him because he thinks i just wanna moan about him but he will tell dr that everything is ok. if i try to talk to hubby about how i am feeling he just says why don't you leave then if it's that bad and makes it all about him. i am at breaking point and don't know what to do, i need a partner not a child, i think my cancer may have returned, my folks are dying and i feel so very alone, i can't tell him any of this as he can't handle it.

Sounds like he is handling it

Sounds like he is handling it just fine -- it is YOU that is suffering. You will have to learn to let him suffer the consequences of his own actions if you want his actions to change.  But it sounds like he has everything he wants -- no responsibility and someone else to deal with the problems, so he's not likely to change unless you create a major crisis in HIS life.

You may have to be willing to leave to get results. You could try separating first and see if that makes an impression on him -- but he sounds pretty selfish and pretty entrenched right now.

I'm so sorry you're having to carry this burden yourself. It's really hard for a person who  genuinely wants the best for others to realize there are people who operate primarily from what THEY want. Maybe you can meet with your counselor separately to discuss your perspective?