Hey all... first time poster, long time wife of ADHDer.
I am already at the end of my rope as non-adhd spouse. My husband is in denial. We have not been intimate in 8 years. He can't/won't hold traditional employment. My house is in chaos. I am responsible for 90% of the load. Etc., etc. You all know the story too well.
My concern has turned from myself to my husband's relationship with our daughter. She is a tween and very emotional/sensitive. I see her walking the same path I have over the past 20 years and my heart is breaking:
She approaches my husband for love and understanding - she is hurt and confused when none/little is there
She hopes he will have interest in her and what she cares about - he is able to show little interest
She hopes he will spend time with her and asks him often - he is too distracted/disinterested/lives on his laptop
She does nothing wrong or the slightest thing (spills a drink) - she gets yelled at only to be apologized to later (apology is nice, but the hurt from these impulsive, sometimes cruel, blurts is accumulating all the time for her)
She will go into his room (yes, we've had separate bedrooms for 10 years) and try to clean his mess because his belongings are in permanent disarray (read: there is not a fiber of carpet showing in that room) - She can't clean or fix her way into his heart; she is often yelled at for trying
He says the words, "I love you" and he does love her but is unable/unwilling to show it in meaningful ways so that she will feel loved.
She has confided in me she thinks her dad doesn't love her. Boy do I know how it feels to seek his love, sometimes work waaay too hard for it and not get it. She has clearly and emotionally told him how she feels several times. It sometimes resonates in the moment, but his awareness of her feelings and needs disappears by the next day. Sadly he is unwilling to address his ADHD symptoms and truly does not see them clearly or how they impact his relationships. He sees us as adversaries who do not accept him for "who he is."
It was one thing for me to walk this path and stay because a divorce would mean I have to trust my DD to his inept custody part of the time, likely pay him support, and be separated from my beautiful daughter on the days I don't have her. At the same time, staying and watching her hurt like I know I hurt and become as heartbroken as I have become is killing me.
Can anyone relate? Can anyone with children (grown or growing) offer advice that has worked for you or eased this pain? I am open not only to advice about helping my daughter through in the current reality, but hearing from those who faced similar issues and decided to leave vs. stay. Sometimes I wonder if they would have a better relationship if he only saw her two days a week. However, that is a big risk for me to take and a lot of time to give up with my kind, sweet girl (not to mention he could easily get 50/50 custody, which would just destroy me and I believe, her). I find there is little information out there on ADHDers as parents. Please help and thank you all for investing your time in my story. Much love to all those struggling. ❤
I suggest you get your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I suggest you get your daughter into therapy. I think therapy has helped my daughters, both now adults. I know that my older daughter, at least, talks to her current therapist (and probably a previous one, who she saw while she was in college) about relationship issues and she probably has mentioned her father's interactions with her and how they affected her.
Thanks, PoisonIvy. That
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Thanks, PoisonIvy. That insight helps. I should have mentioned that she is in therapy for anxiety. Not because of her dad, though he contributes to her anxiety. I know he has come up here and there in her sessions, but I don't know that they have focused on him a lot. I have encouraged them to go to this therapist together to work on their relationship. My daughter is willing. My husband is not. Maybe I will remind her that she can talk about family dynamics safely with her therapist anytime.
Yes, therapy
Submitted by Brindle on
I understand, and I wish no one had to see their kids feel the hurt.
My kids also see their dad put almost all his spare time into what he wants. They get little of his time. He also becomes angry with them over small things. However, he does not try to make it right later. He chews them out and tells them what bad character he thinks they have, and then he moves on without apologizing. I tried a couple times to help them approach him to repair the damage, thinking of he saw the depth of their hurt, then he would meet them where they were. No. It made it worse. He was defensive and used more hurtful words. I will never do it again.
Two of my kids have said “I don’t think he loves me.” I have tried, for so long, to walk the line of comforting them and yet speak in ways that encourage respect and trying to see their dad in the best light... and yet not cover for him. But they are seeing him through not-so-naive eyes now. They ask me questions that are so insightful and deserve truthful answers. I cringe now as I answer, but I have also been saying, “and remember - he can’t see himself. It doesn’t make it right, at all, but it isn’t personal. He can’t see his part in relationships.” Because they deserve to know that it isn’t a reflection on them.
I do take mine to therapy, as well. They also have ADHD, and I’m making sure we address those issues, but also they need help navigating their relationship with their dad. They do talk about his words and behavior with the therapist.
One of my kids can’t wait to leave home to get away from him. That saddens me. It didn’t have to be this way.
I have no plans to leave him, and a major part of that is exactly what you mentioned - he could end up with 50/50 custody and then that would be very bad.
Thank you, Brin. So very
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Thank you, Brin. So very helpful. You couldn't have described walking that "line" better. It's so difficult.
I do have my daughter in therapy (for anxiety) and commend you for bringing your kids for ADHD. I feel like if we address these things now, they will have the best chance at heathy relationships in their futures despite what they are seeing now. I hate modeling dysfunction for my girl but there truly are no fantastic options at this point.
Hearing from people who understand has been good therapy for me tonight. It is something I don't have as I usually try to deal with everything myself. Truly grateful.
I would like to talk to your husband...
Submitted by c ur self on
My daughter (one of them) the more sensitive one, had a reality growing up concerning me...(I was a good Dad who loved my children desperately, but a busy man, who's wife was a needy and nerveous person who took a lot of my attention, so between my job, church activities and hobbies I stayed very active, to active) that I didn't know about until she was probably 21....One night she and I set up in my wife and I's bed and talked (probably for the first time on that level) and cried most of the night....It's a very hard place for a Dad who's realiity about his children was fine...when my daughters reality wasn't....She told me she had been trying to get my attention for years...She said she worked so hard at softball and shool grades to please me....I guess i just never stopped to relay to her that I loved her just for who she is....And nurture that reality....I was a guy, who had all brothers...Competitive and driven...I got married at age 20, and had two baby girls by age 24....I had no Father to do things w/ me, so when I got old enough to experience things on my own, it was like living my childhood again (the one I didn't have)....So I would go from can to can't....When some quality time just for my girls, would have been so much better than any activity I could have been involved in....
I hope you read this to you husband...He has an opportunity to avoid what was so hurtful for my daughter and myself.....My daughter is 39 and we are very close now....I Kept my grandchild tonight so her and her husband could have a date night....
Blessings
c
Thank you!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Thank you for this. I really hope for a breakthrough like you had with your daughter. It sounds like you have had some extra meaningful years with her you may not have had without the history (you`re closer now than you would have been without the different realities in the earlier years). All the best to you and your family.
Hang in there
Submitted by dafna on
Hi there,
I have just joined this forum not long ago after coming to realize I am sort of in the same boat. I would try to do fun things with her along. The sad part is that you cant' force him to get help. I am in the same situation and have been battling if I should stay or leave with my daughters, one is a teenager and one if 10. It's exhausting and the denial part is a killer. I would try to do things for yourself and her and think maybe down the road you will separate at the right time. It is so hard when the the ADHD person doesn't or won't seek help and we are devastated by this constantly. I would try to detach from emotionally for now and yes, get therapy for your daughter to give her support with this. I know how it feels it's really hard. I hope this help! :-).