I’m so hopelessly and painfully stuck. I have given in to every demand of my husband, the latest being not talking about the issues we are facing…and as I predicted it has only caused more distance and resentment between us. He refuses to do anything to connect with me, calling every hug, every kiss, every kind word, every action “forced”, and if I don’t initiate those things I am “impossible to please”. I can’t win. There is no compromise. There is zero account for my feelings. There are irrational outbursts of anger, stonewalling, catastrophizing events, and exaggerations about who I am as a person that he uses to provide justification for his actions. He sees none of this even when I bring it up in the moment, and just twists things to fit his agenda or his perception (which is of course never wrong according to him). I know these are ADHD symptoms, but I just want to give up. My heart and mind are telling me to be strong and stay so we can get through this together when he's ready, but it is so exhausting to be the only one committing to this relationship day in and day out while he has zero awareness/care of his behavior, how he treats me, or wanting to address difficult information and situations that will not just go away on their own. I had enough this weekend with his attitude, disconnect, irrational outbursts, and lack of empathy toward me so I brought it up, which led to a tearful conversation where he flat out told me that he’s "bored with me”, “I’m no longer the shiny new object of his desire”. He indicated that this actually scares him as well because I am anything but boring. Our life is not boring. Myself, my encouragement, and my accomplishments are just not novel to him anymore, and if he's bored with me will he ever be content? I see the girls he seeks out on social media and in his daily life...it's heartbreaking for me to see. He is so intrigued by such one-dimensional things that will just bore him or annoy him down the road causing him to act out again. Things that peak his interest now (like many things in his life, including me right now) are novel until he gets bored or lets his irritability take over. He wants everything, but values nothing. I know these are his issues, and people with these issues take them out on the people they are closest to, so I am trying my hardest not to take it personal but it still makes me feel like my life and everything I do is so insignificant no matter how brightly I shine to others. I will never be enough for the one person I chose to give everything to.
He doesn’t want to educate himself about his symptoms, take medication, or talk to a therapist (he doesn't want anyone to know what's going on inside his head or change who he is). To me it’s easy to rationalize that I am 100% not asking him to change who he is. I fell in love with the man he is in all his uniqueness. I have high-standards, so I would not have chosen him to spend my life with if I didn't love every piece of him (flaws and all), and saw something special in him I wanted to grow with. I love who he is, I just don’t like how I’m being treated and discarded with no justifiable reason to continually act this way toward the person you love. I have been with him his entire adult life, so I’m actually asking him to do the complete opposite of change, and prioritize the reasons he’s been so happy and successful in his life so far. Giving up on every piece of me out of irrational annoyance, like he’s doing right now, instead of finding that relational connection would be a big change and extremely regretful for him down the road if he doesn't actually address the symptoms he is currently exhibiting. It's baffling because he has never put up with “that’s just how I am” in any area of his life, personally or professionally. Growth has always been a consistent decision and part of his life for him until recently. He has always made goals for himself and despises people that stay in the same mindset with the "that's just the way we do things" mentality, but that is exactly what he is doing without any self-awareness or reflection about it. This has been our only issue in 16 years and he can’t come up with a single strategy to manage our relationship, except "I'll figure it out on my own". In his current frame of mind, I truly don't feel that he has the capacity to do this on his own (who does?) but there is no changing his mind ever. He just continues to self-destruct and sabotage a relationship that has been pretty close to perfect up until now. He has no coping mechanism to manage difficulties, he has always struggled with this...But throwing away all that we have to feed curiosities instead of feeding what has given joy, meaning, and fulfillment all these years seems like a completely unfounded decision to make. I am shocked this is who he has become when faced with adversity, these behaviors have only been exacerbated recently because of reasons he will not acknowledge or reflect on...I just don't know how to be resilient to this situation anymore without having every shred of joy stripped from me. :(