I read something today that gave me cause to pause!: "Healthy people back away from situations that are injurious. or not to their taste. Desperate people, those who were unable to leave an injurious home life in childhood, insist on making their current destructive, injurious, or impossible situation work."
Yep, desperate. Am I desperate?
I really have found no specific guideline or timeline of when to really know there is nothing left to try. I believe I have done as much emotional work as I can.
I know there is more going on for me in my life than wondering how much time is left, how much time has past, how long something has taken, should there be a deadline.
And just to be clear, all this stuff going on is not fun, nor nice. I really just want to scream my head off. "Really Liz? Really?" After all this time I miss feeling loved, and honored, and respected. I want to be encouraged, validated, cheered on for all I have done in recent years, and surely cherished for the unique individual I have come to love. .
I am focusing today on believing I truly, 100 percent, did everything I could possibly do that was in my power to "create" the relationship of my dreams. I choose to no longer insist I am making what I have work.
On Halloween night, I sat and watched Charlie Brown. And I enjoyed that. Then, the next day, when I saw all the photos of my friends and family's costumes and Trick or Treating, I realized, next year I will find someone I know who has lots of trick-or-treaters in their neighborhood, and I will get a bowl of candy, and sit with them, and whoever comes to their house, will get double treats!!!! And I will enjoy all the children and creativity.
Yes, Liz enjoyed the popcorn and the Great Pumpkin DVD this year, and next year, I got better plans already in motion.
In most of the current past years, I have sat and dreaded the arrival of my favorite holidays. Crazy. Really crazy. Day by day, the clock ticked by as I wondered what to say, what to dream, what to ask for, what to expect, and feared "Will I slip up and say the wrong thing, and trip over my words and set off anger?"
If it is important to Liz, I want to make sure it happens, so I am preparing 2 schedules for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve: 1. things that are most important and 2. things that would be nice.
I exhausted myself trying to be stronger than I feel, and continually doing such a fearless moral inventory that I was sure I musta missed something.
I have said often enough over the past few years "I do not care what others think." So now I have better words to express what I mean. Surely I do care what others think. It may make me happy or angry or sad to understand how they feel. The bottom line is this: Liz chooses not to allow another person's opinion affect how I make my choices. I will not allow guilt or anger to make me change my mind about what I feel, believe, or want. " I care. I will not be manipulated or controlled by anyone who wants to try to control my feelings, hopes, and dreams, by with-holding their affection until I shape up.
I accept that is my own choice.
I expect myself to remind myself as often as necessary there is a vast difference between giving up and knowing when my bag of tricks has been depleted.
LOL, and I am still coming back to this post, to edit, and re-edit, and re-edit, so my own feelings are reflected. Sigh.