Is ADHD a tale of two people?

Hi everyone,

I would love to know what you think of this. I've been with my Husband for 10 years now. I came to realise ADHD could be an issue after some training from work (i'm a teacher). And from then on it became so obvious that I literally must have had my eyes shut the whole time. It also became apparent in his immediate family too. And I can vouch that this isn't something people 'grow out of'. He finally got a diagnosis a few years ago, but no more support/suggestions offered. He did some CBT which wasnt too helpful. He enquired into an ADHD specific therapist but then forgot all about it. 

I have read ADHD is often co-morbid, so I dont know if there's other things going on for him, but basically, my husband feels like two people.

I have a funny, entertaining, authentic, kind, loyal and sweet husband... he is around for a third of the time.

The other two thirds is made up of someone that can be controlling, selfish, unwilling, throws temper tantrums, moody, cannot negotiate/compromise, thinks everything in his head is accurate/ right (and so on). In fact, at times, i think he is so nasty, that if he didnt have ADHD, i'd think he was a horrible, toxic ****!

During what could be a minor disagreement, he will not hesitate to 'go for the jugular' right away... through his shouting, insults and general verbal attack. I can literally see in real time his inability to not think things through and impulsively react/over-react. But it is very hard to just sit there and take it.

I used to be a VERY passive and patient person.... but i dont know if life experience or age, or just having to deal with him has made me change, but I struggle to remain patient and calm these days. I suppose I am very tired of being pulled into these situations/ arguments, of nothing improving and of him taking NO responsibility whatsoever.

It's got to a point where he thinks I cry on purpose, and treats me accordingly. Its really horrible. 

I would say that most days we will bicker. And most weeks we will have a blazing row. Often over something stupid, like what i may or may not have said. Sometimes, i think i'm losing my mind or sense of self. I dont understand how i'm not recalling things that i apparently JUST said. I also find him to be VERY literal. If there were two ways of understanding something, he would definitely take the 'path least followed'. 

I'm not really sure what to do about things. I really love and enjoy the one side of him and I try to encourage this. I also appreciate that I have a part to play in things... i'm not looking to create 'perfect'.... but i'm exhausted and often dream of a life filled with peace and calm... and knowing what to expect.... some kind of consistency.

I've tried to explain all this over the years, and tried every technique i can think of- supportive, lets do it together, angry, upset, begging, given up, encouraging/praising! My husband truly thinks i'm at fault (until he doesnt and then he'll apologise). I've even offered to agree with him in the hope this will enact change. I've modelled seeing a therapist, reading self-help books/ articles, etc. Tbh, i'm all for positive change, no one is perfect, there is always stuff to learn/ grow from.


Basically, he comes across like he's two different people. And worse, he comes across like a toxic abuser.... sometimes he recogises he is at fault. He clearly gets upset about it and he says he is sorry, plans something (like therapy), and then forgets it all.... and REPEAT.

Also, if he does something wrong or against his own rules (yes he has a long list of things that need to be followed), he will 'tell himself off' so I dont have to!!! Yet if i didnt follow a 'rule', he will not stop going on about it.

Does this sound familiar? Or could it be something else along with ADHD?