If I say thank you, he says nothing. “Thank you for bringing the vacuum upstairs.” Silence. “Thank you for how hard you work to provide for us.” Silence.
If we are on the phone, he just barely manages to mumble a goodbye. Each and every time. If I didn’t know what the word was supposed to sound like, I wouldn’t recognize it as a goodbye.
Texting. I can make a request - no answer. I won’t know if he is going to do it or not. If I say something sweet to him, no response. If I printed out our texts, you’d see me doing a lot of reaching out. He isn’t bothered. But if I turn it around and do the same... he notices and asks why I’m not answering. So he is aware of what is expected.
If I email him, I’m lucky to get a response, even if it is super serious. The response is always suuuuuper short.
It is all very unsatisfying and feels like “why do I talk to this man?”
Ditto.
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Ditto.
Ditto too.
Submitted by jennalemone on
No answers or short answers. No intimacy, just independence. Taking care of himself. Guarding himself. I wonder if independence is part of ADHD/ADD?
Independence..... I think so.....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife jumps from extreme independence to extreme dependence.....No ability to do Interdependence....We were meeting w/ some friends (two married Dr's) getting some tips about our Italy trip last fall....This lady know's my wife personally they are very close....She listened to her talking, and taking the lead in the conversation, asking all these questions etc.....And she finally spoke up when her husband stopped talking and said...Y'all need to have a Her name, Day and my name, day.....LOL....I pointed that out to her a little latter...And she said....Oh, she made that statement for your benefit....I just laughed....That mind is locked...It's a steal trap of denial....:)
Worse because his hearing is not great
Submitted by adhd32 on
Same on the in person verbal response, he picks and chooses what he responds to. If I ask him something that needs an answer and he doesn't respond I ask if he heard me. He then gets snappy and bellows I heard you! Ok, I need an answer why can't he respond? It isn't like I'm asking for a 10 page paper on the history of salt mining. Usually the response I am looking for is yes, no, 3 o'clock, at the doctor, etc. Texting isn't any better because he frequently doesn't respond because he "forgot" to check his phone and calling is worse because if he bothers to pick up he doesn't hear well and acts as if I'm the reason he cannot hear on the phone.
And yes, his expectation for me is to respond immediately and have all the answers. It is so draining .
Same here. I remember
Submitted by Libby on
Same here. I remember questioning him once when he did not respond to one of our children asking him a question. He got angry and said he didn't have answer them. Almost like an oppositional control thing. Very frustrating and hurtful for the kids.
No response to texts or voicemail very common then...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I would always get aggravated that my wife who has ADHD would (almost) never respond to a text and would NEVER listen to a voicemail. Never made a difference when I explained how much it bothered me. Yet if I mimic the same behavior it becomes a 'crisis of disrespect'. When I mention I am giving her the same level of 'respect' she always shows me then she gets enraged. All part of the #MeNow reality for ADHDer.
will it get better....
Submitted by c ur self on
This inability to put themselves in our shoes is a huge part of how their minds work...This is a very large part of the inability to communicate calmly for most of us (IMO)....I forgot my phone last year during deer season...So I was away from it for 3 or 4 hours....She was angry and adamant that I had worried her....But, it's ok for her to lay in bed on an off day for 10 hours with her phone in a different room, and her absolutely unconcerned about it.....I use to let that frustrate the stew out of me....Until I learned, I WAS THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING, AND THE ONLY ONE WHO CARED....LOL...LOL...LOL...Thank you Lord for acceptance....And the ability to walk away.....
I started texting because telling her things was unreliable...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
The ironic thing is that I started to routinely text my wife because she would constantly forget things I told her and/or things she agreed to do. If I asked her why she did not do what she'd promised she would deny ever having made a commitment or knowing about the issue. The texts were meant to be a way of documenting an issue's existence and provided a means to back up that she was notified. Really did not help things getting done more reliably but it is tougher to deny that she at least knew about the issue (at least for a few seconds...)
Personality is part of it I think....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife, step sons, and one of my daughters ignore their text messages for hours and days at times....some times they reply quickly....there is no rhyme or reason to it....three of the four have been diagnosis w/ add/adhd...I think there are a couple of reason's for it based on their lifestyles and how their minds work...Neither of which or meant to be oppositional or intentionally rude....I try to accept it, and never text anything I need a quick reply to....I may send informative information to their phones....I also put them in a must reply situation at times, by ending my text with a dead line....(If i don't hear from you by so and so time, I will take it as a No..etc....Or a follow up text in 30 minutes or so....(Since I haven't heard from you, I'm assuming your not interested or to busy, so I will just do something different.)
I never allow myself to be hung out to dry by their lack of attention or concern about timely information sharing....Also I get the same short answers from most of them...I really think texting and add doesn't go well together...My wife hates it, for the most part....Or that's what she tells me....It's not my thing, she says, She struggles with putting thoughts together..:)
c
About seven years ago, when I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
About seven years ago, when I was still married, my H decided to take a "temporary" job providing caregiving services to his elderly parents. They live in a town 150 miles from here. H would be gone three or four days and nights per week and then would be at our home for the rest of the week. I was very lonely. Our younger daughter had just (as in two days before H started this job) begun her first year of college, and our older daughter was on a study-abroad program in an African country. While at his job (at his parents' home), H rarely contacted me, as in maybe once per month. I felt very sad and neglected.
Now we're divorced. Low contact seems appropriate for divorced couples, but I do still feel an obligation to contact ex-H when I know our children will be visiting, so that he can attempt to get a substitute at his "temporary" (yeah, ha ha) caregiving job. I usually send a short message, giving the details of the daughter's flight, and ask him to confirm receipt of the message. He never responds the first time. For the upcoming Thanksgiving visits, I sent him one email and two or three texts. He hasn't responded. So, maybe he received the messages; maybe he didn't; maybe he's sick; maybe his parents are in the hospital; etc., etc. Most likely is that he received the messages and doesn't want to acknowledge them because then he can pretend that he didn't get them or that he hasn't made any plans to come here. Also highly possible, however, is that he received his messages and does plan to come but won't contact me before he appears at the doorstep.
Same exact experience here.
Submitted by dvance on
Same exact experience here. DH has his phone STUCK to him all the time despite the fact that he does not do a job that he is on call for. If I CALL him he may or may not answer but if his phone rings at literally any other time he grabs it like it's God calling. I really want to emphasize that he does not have a job that has any "on call" piece--I stress this because he used to--he was the building engineer for a 44 story high rise in downtown Chicago where we also lived and so yes, if there was an emergency he had to respond BUT the odds of there being actual emergencies are pretty slim. Now he works for a different company and is in the corporate offices-literally nothing hands on about what he does and yet--the phone is always with him. Same with texting--if I text him something I may or may not get an answer--I have no idea what the criteria is for him to reply to any given text. And his responses are also super short, like one word. I can text him a freaking paragraph and I get "ok" in response. I feel so stupid when that happens but I don't learn--I keep doing it. Sometimes if I call and he doesn't answer I will wait ten minutes and then do that thing where you can block your number--*67--and then call again and he answers on the first ring. I have done that many times over the years and he doesn't catch on. How stupid--he doesn't answer when he knows it's me but when he does not know the number he answers right away.
Is it an ADHD thing? I think the inconsistency is. The uneven-ness of their mood--some days genial and accommodating, some days irritated and put upon that we mere mortals bother them. I know my DH has a very overblown sense of his own importance. The phone thing with him sends me around the bend. We were at a school banquet for our youngest son last week and he literally had his phone on the table in front of him. The only parent to do so. And he is not on call. Put the damn phone away. I asked him if he was on call (I know damn well he is not) and he said no, it's just uncomfortable in his pants pocket. His winter jacket was hanging on the back of the chair--it could have gone in one of those pockets. But no--have to remind everyone how important he is. I generally turn my phone off and charge it on my desk by about 9pm. I am an Assistant Principal and 8th grade English teacher for gods sake--what, is there going to be a grammar emergency?? I used to text him cute things during the day, inside jokey type stuff but got no answers so I stopped. I will occasionally text him to have a good day (he usually leaves for work just as I am getting up but doesn't say good bye) but again, I may or may not get an answer. If I ask if he got my text he wil say he got busy or forgot to check his phone which I know to be total BS given how that phone is STUCK to him all the time. Passive aggressive? Reminding us how important and busy they are? Or perhaps they literally do read the text and it leaves their brains that fast. Who knows. It is aggravating as hell though, I agree. I do like the record that they were told the information, though--that is what I find texts useful for.
Texting
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My ex was kind of all over the place with his phone/texting habits.
The only time he would not respond to my texts at all was if he was trying to punish me with silent treatment. At that point he would also not pick up a call. That was a big factor for me at the end of our relationship. I realized that I could be stranded on the side of a deserted road... or in the hospital.... and I could not count on the person who was supposed to love me to pick up the phone. I was on my own. It was a painful realization.
He played that game with his estranged wife as well.. or a sister he was mad it... if he just didn't want to deal with it. Very childish. Very controlling.
Aside from that he was constantly texting and his phone/s were practically glued to his person. Many times he would text me every few seconds with questions or status updates when we were apart (and getting along).
He would also often ignore the present moment in order to be on his phone texting others. Happened during dates, family gatherings, parties, holidays... didn't matter... He saw no issue with ignoring me and others completely, because he was so busy texting "Happy New Years!" with a bunch of cute little emoji's ... or sending selfies of himself with a cocktail..... to everyone in his phone book.
It all created a great deal of resentment in me but to this day I can't make very much sense of it. It seemed completely driven by whatever his mood/emotions were at the time.
Edited to add: After giving it some thought I think the motivation was about whatever made him feel good in the moment. Whether it was using manipulation and aggression as a means to gain power over people who were "giving him grief" ("ha ha.. I win" - "you can't make me") or getting his ego stroked via kudos, likes or responses ...both likely had the same result. He felt good about it. Hm. Simple.
Never says Goodbye.
Submitted by jennalemone on
This happens to me too. H never says Goodbye when he leaves and I have no idea where he went or how long he would be gone. For decades, I would get upset by this and try to "teach" him to let us know where he was...especially before cell phones. After cell phones, I would call him after I saw that the car was gone and say "What's up?". I used to think, "How rude". If I would mention this to him, he would get angry with me for bringing it up, like I was rude for wanting to know when he would be back home. He also does not say, "Honey, I'm home". or "Hello" or even if I walk into a room after being gone, he does not look up or acknowledge my presence or say something. Just silence and his head focusing on something terribly important (more important than me)...usually a crossword puzzle or his cell phone. These are things I have to accept, and let go, and not expect from him. He will not change. But again, inside me, with all this acceptance and processing is the fact that I am giving up on him. He has always lived totally independent from me. And now that I am giving up, we are two ships passing in the night.
Same here, Jenna
Submitted by Brindle on
There have been so many times when I discover he just isn’t home. He’s left and I have no idea where to or what for.
And I also know that feeling of not being acknowledged as being in the room. It used to bother me much more than it does now. I’m slowly just accepting that his body is there, but he’s not going to have real interaction with me.
relegated to the 'ADHD Pit Crew'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I always got the sense that after the initial 'hyper-focus' phase of our relationship over the next decades I got relegated to the 'ADHD Pit Crew' whose job has been to keep my ADHDer wife's reality in 'stable, paid and functioning' mode. The star race car driver doesn't interact with the Pit Crew other than to give a 'thumbs up' when the car is cleared to leave the pit area. Needless to say, 'Pit Crew' was not my expectation for my marriage relationship but while raising five kids (two with ADHD) the years fly by in a chaotic emotional maelstrom.
That is an excellent analogy!
Submitted by Libby on
That is an excellent analogy! So very true and sad....
My pit crew experience is odd
Submitted by Brindle on
My pit crew experience is odd. He doesn’t give me thumbs up. He mostly just ignores the fact that I am keeping all the plates spinning. But sometimes he will comment, and it’s usually criticism. I used to cry and try harder, but I’m the one person trying to hold it all together. Somewhere along the way I decided that the criticism might be completely valid (and it often is) but if I’m doing the best I can, and the only way it will get better is to have help, then I don’t let his comments take up room in my head.
And goodness, no, this wasn’t what we thought marriage would be like. Oh, the cumulative hours I’ve spent on those kinds of thoughts...
I agree the 'thumbs up' does not happen
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I agree the 'thumbs up' does not happen (I was trying to go with the analogy). Instead it seems like my ADHDer wife does not even realize that 'someone, somehow' pays the bills (on time) and stocks possibly needed supplies (in advance) and coordinates child sports schedules, etc. If she is ever requested to interrupt her plans to aid in any of these endeavors she will get pouty.
My ex didn't acknowledge my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex didn't acknowledge my contributions very much. I think it was because he was and is ashamed that I do so much more than he did and does for the household and the family.
The grocery fairy
Submitted by adhd32 on
Yes indeed. Staples do not run out in my house either because I buy them when they are on sale so I never pay full price. I do not like or eat many of the unhealthy choices my H does so on the rare occasion when he goes shopping, he comes home with at least 10 bags of things he likes and with a glaring look always says to me "I got what I like because you never buy it". Like going to the store is somehow beneath him and I should know what he wants. Quite nervy, but I don't reply anymore. If we run out of something he uses exclusively and he cannot wait till the next time, he can get it himself.
Yep
Submitted by Brindle on
I like your analogy. I think it’s a good one.
My spouse gets upset, too, at being asked to help with stuff. He shows irritation at being asked here and there; he is furious if I ask for a scheduled task - daily, weekly, monthly, etc. In fact, the last two things I asked him to do were regular events. He was so angry and refused to do anything.
Expectations...
Submitted by prairierose on
"Needless to say, 'Pit Crew' was not my expectation for my marriage relationship but while raising five kids (two with ADHD) the years fly by in a chaotic emotional maelstrom."
New here, with 5 kiddos, 2 of whom I believe are also adhd. I am the non-Adhd spouse. I really identify with this. Spouse was just diagnosed and he has been on medication for 6 -7 weeks, so early yet, really. Wondering how it took us so long to get diagnosed and things had to get so bad. But when you are that busy and they are that reliably and successfully employed you can be in denial for longer.
My DH also rarely says good
Submitted by Libby on
My DH also rarely says good bye. I have not a clue where he is or what has doing. If I ask I get told I should know without him tell in me. Or I get told that other wives don't need to know where their husband are so why should I.
And don't get me started on the cell phone. Our phone bill is 45 to 50 pages long. He talks nonstop. The interesting thing is most of the calls are maybe 3 minutes long. Not even long enough to be having real conversations with anyone. What's with that?