An ADHD - Trauma flashback reconciliation

Hello, I knew from the beginning of our 19years and counting together (12 years married) that my wife was abused as a pre-teen. It seemed to me like background information; thought nothing of it other than compassion  for what happened. We had a wonderful courtship, engagement and marriage. 6 months after "I do" her mother died suddenly. It was heartbreaking for me because my mother-in-law was an amazing woman and I loved her. It was devastating for my wife. She took it really hard and I was her rock. I knew not to rush her grief process but after 8 months without any passion I reminded her about the lack of intimacy. She got furious with me. Eventually our marriage returned to the warmth, fun and romance we were used to before the tragedy. Fast forward, we bought a house and settled in for two years and expected our first child. When he was born I thought it was normal that my wife was tired all the time and subdued. Affection had dwindled but hey, she did a heroic thing of carrying, delivering and nurturing this beautiful baby. It got strange to me how long that mode lasted. We tried to make love for the first time 4 months afterwards and she started crying. I stopped right away and comforted her. We didn't try again for 6 more months. In that time she started complaining about my way of communicating.  Again we eventually got back into the swing of things. When our second was born the wheels fell off. She started getting hypercritical of everything I was doing. We don't have typical jobs and that allows us to distribute the parenting and housework. However her chronic fatigue was back like never before and I was assuming most of the roles in the house. I'm unable to form long term plans, not very good at prioritization, cannot maintain a calendar nor any routine really and most of all I am disastrous at time management but somehow I was held responsible for all of the cooking, food shopping, much of the cleaning, special projects around the house, watched the kids much of the time, still had to go into work (art teacher/ help run a school) as well as try to keep up with my work at home (artist). All of this while I was getting criticized for everything I did. This included not caring for myself in the form of not sleeping. For one, when I tried I couldn't sleep with stress thoughts pinging through my head and for two I can't keep track of time when I'm focused on something so I'd work until 2-3 in the morning. My wife's fatigue was so bad that that I was still getting up throughout the night for the kids and handled them in the morning so she could sleep. There was no affection, only nagging and complaining. I was a wreck. My self worth went into the toilet and I'll admit I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me. I was angry and sullen. I didn't want to see anyone; became a recluse. She and I started to see a marriage counselor and it seemed like from the start, I was the evil ogre and she was treated like the damsel in distress needing the counselors' rescue. I could say nothing right. It didn't matter how destructive she could be in the things she said; she could do no wrong in the counselors eyes. My wife finally said the words "I no longer love you". It was eye opening for sure. I had to take a long look into the mirror to see the monster I'd become. I went all-in on self improvement. I found God for the first time, reading the Bible and praying daily, worked out and got my body back. Plowed through book after book, podcast, YouTube video, articles on relationships, communication, psychology, self esteem, etc and learned how to control my swings of emotions. She saw all of the efforts as both a trick to win her back and pressure. 2 months later she asked for a divorce. Around this time my wife started seeing a trauma counselor. I know I never abused her. I never forced her into anything sexual, never hit her. I may not have been the most graceful in an argument but I never hurled insults nor threatened her. It became apparent that she was thrown back into her childhood abuse. In hindsight, the death of her mother and the birth of our first child triggered her as well. 
My wife came to believe that my efforts to change are genuine and she eventually took divorce off of the table. For months we were getting along, working out disputes with a new counselor who believes that the marriage is the client and made sure both sides are understood. Despite all of this there was no affection whatsoever. The terms of our reconciliation were that I was to make no moves and she didn't offer any either. That changed after another 5 months since she wanted to split. She started allowing hands holding and eventually pecks on the lips for good morning. I was hopeful again but then... affection returned to zero when she got re-triggered again. She swore over and over again that it had nothing to do with me yet my mind is swirling with all of the pain, imagined reasons and boredom. This has happened two other times including the present. Throughout this journey we've seen a lot of counselors both marriage and individual and all of them offered up the question to me "by any chance do you have ADHD?" I always just chuckled it off "I guess so". Only recently did I start taking it seriously that it might be true. I started taking the online tests and read into the symptoms and now not only do I know I have it but it has greatly affected my life. That led me to Melissa Orlov's book. From reading "the ADHD Effect on Marriage" it not only validated our problems as issues that can happen in a ADHD/non-ADHD marriage but I realized how frustrating some of the attention deficit traits are for her. Throw in her childhood sexual abuse issues into the fold and it gets really difficult. With my rampant ADHD and her trauma recollection we were in a relationship stalemate. It's like finding out what happens when an unstoppable force collides with an immovable object. My wife and I still have a long road ahead but I'm hopeful it'll return to a mutually satisfactory relationship. I'm currently in the process of finding out what treatments are available.