ADHD wife with 3 kids wants independence, space and wants to move out.

Hello everyone,

    Im Danny 31 year old. I have a pretty complex situation. My wife is 25 years old and had been diagnosed with ADHD since she was little. She also has Anxiety. We have 3 kids which the last 2 are mine oldest is almost 4. My situation is that about a month ago my wife broke down and told me she needs space and her independence. I do the best I can taking on just about all the chores when shes at school during the day. I work at night time. She thanks me for keeping her anxiety down. Anyway we havent fought in a long time over her ADHD blowing up on me cause i let her just go her few min and thats it. pretty much saying im not aruging with her cause I understand how she is. Shes also told me after our talks that she is overwhelmed especially after having baby #3, she feels depressed. Also that around baby #3 started to develop she told me she started feeling depressed and more overwhelmed and more anxity. Can it be postparudum depression? Her sex drive is shot but she refuses to take meds anymore which makes me think that anit depressions are doing that. Around the house when friends are around shes happy, and fun. We rarly argue about things we dont curse each other out. She just says she feels bad that she doesnt deserve me and she does not know why she feels this way, she will always love me no matter what, bout last month or so she said she didnt want to live anymore, even that she only said it once. she feels bad for wanted to leave and have her own apartment. we dated pretty soon before we got married and had kids. She said shes not enfatuated with me like we used to. just the in love and sex drive is gone. she tells me i should go do things and go out. She thinks if she has space it will get better or maybe it wont (not is a snobby way any of this) just says she cant control how she feels. I tried asking her to go on little dates with me like we used to to bring the romance back, she just says she doesnt want to. she said she cant live without me in her life. we get along also. I know my wife loves me to death and she knows I do also. Said she always feels bad about this or feels guilty cause of that. I dont know whats goin on.  sorry this is a mess of a forum i just wrote but just a little emotional. Is there anything i can do? should she just have her space and see what happens? Im pretty good at reading people and comming up with solutions but this time everytime i try another angle to save our marriage or make her feel liek she could i feel like there a wall infront of me. I just dont know what to do at this point or how to react. If anyone has any more questions please ask me i need all the help i can get. Im sure i missed a few things but my break at work is over. Thank you everyone for your help.

 

Tired out?

You know, a 25-yr old with 3 little kids is gonna be exhausted under the best of circumstances (unless you have a full-time nanny). It sounds like maybe she loves you very much but is completely overwhelmed with the children. Is there anything you can do to help her ALOT? Maybe take over complete time blocks with the kids (i.e., every day from 6:00pm to bedtime or something significant.)? A person who becomes that tired is likely to make decisions that are not wise -- and an otherwise good relationship may suffer if she has to make decisions based on desperation. She's tired, not interested in sex, depressed, needs some space, can't control how she feels, very emotional. But I don't think this is necessarily from ADHD (although it could make things harder for her). Tt IS TEXTBOOK for a tired, overwhelmed wife with 3 babies.

HELP HER HOWEVER YOU CAN if you want this relationship to continue. She sounds like she desperately needs a break. Give her a regular break from you, the kids, and school at least weekly if there is anyway in the world you can do it, even if she just wants to take a long walk or sit in a park and stare! Can the kids go to daycare once or twice a week? Are there grandparents who would take care of them REGULARLY for awhile? If you can overextend yourself now and take over everything possible until she gets some rest, you will surely reap the rewards in the future. She will probably lovingly remember every unselfish thing you do for her. It sounds like your relationship is worth it.

It sounds like you ARE being

It sounds like you ARE being helpful, but we can only gauge based on what you tell us...we have no window into your life.

She obviously has post-partum depression. And that's going to color everything. You could help her all day and all night and it probably wouldn't make much of a difference. She definitely needs to be on meds but if she won't take them, there's not much you can do. How does she feel about therapy?

It also sounds like there is more at play than just her ADHD. Some severe abandonment issues perhaps, self-esteem, etc. I know all about the abandonment stuff...we want to abandon before we get abandoned which would probably be why she wants to move out. Sadly, once you have a child together, you can't just up and leave.

It's tough situation and I feel for you. Hang in there.

Thanks for responding.      

Thanks for responding.

      I so i do everything i can and im the type of person that cant sit down untill things are done. I get up with the kids at 7ish, if the baby wakes up in the middle of the night i get up, i do all of the laundry but sometimes something wont dry in time for me to go to work 230pm-11pm (work hours) i just started taking over the bills cause she told me she finnaly cant keep up. Everyday i leave her the house just about spotless, i put the kids down for nap before i go to work everyday and weekend at night also when im home. i do the best i can and i dont mind doing it. When she broke down and told me about this was a few months ago when school started (her first semister) and sometimes she comes home freekign out how much stuff she got hit with at school even that shes doing well. also she is already taking a break and wants to work cause she likes working. As for letting her go out, I trust her shes a good woman, I have always given her the freedom to do whatever shes pleases. but she says she feels guilty leaving me home with the kids even that she knows im with them and handle them very well. As for her moving out to an apartment thats still not goin to happen for months cause we dont have the finance now for a security deposit and so on. I talked about counseling the other day with her and she said she doesnt need another doctor tellign her what pills to take. Im guessing shes thinking that is cause she was takign them when she was little and doesnt wasn to take pills the rest of her life. Also her mom is still a drug addict and her dad is a recovering one. Thats my best guess. I think she feels she can control her herself. Her last meds were stratta think there called and she didnt even finsh them she said they apaerntly made her sick. 

    The oldest who is about 4 is the one the drive her crazy. He has an extreme case of autism but they dont know what spectrum yet. That should ease her a lot. But i just put him on the bus today for the first time for school for 3 days a week. I always tell her to go relax and dotn worry about anything and i will take care of it. Her anxiaty level seemed a lot loer then it has been. maybe cause iv been taking care of almost eveything.

     As for adbandonment issues. Both her parent kinda couldnt care less, rarly talks to her mom, and her dad calls for 5 min once in a while to say hi. Her self esteem issue shes always had. she just lost about 15 pounds. which bring her to bout 150. shes a good looking girl but she always says 10 more pounds and lot of the time says shes not hungry. last week she dies her hair red which looks pretty good. IF that helps or not i dont know. but it was something out of the blue.

      I have been doing research on her adhd  behaivor and i know what to expect. I dont yell when the house is a mess, clothes in the halway, clothes in the bathroom, plates left whereever, etc etc cause i love her and dont want things to be harder on her. I have no problem carrying most of the weight to ease up on her day cause i love her and can handle it.

      I just get mixed signals about things meaing she contradicts herself a tiny bit. But i really can be that shes just to overwhelmed and gon to school broke her down and she just want to get away. Also she said shes never really had a young life cause her first one at what 22. (unplanned from another father) i met her 6 months after the baby was born. Hopefully takgin a break from going and goin back being a manager at the floral shop is what she liks to do, some pressure will be released slowly. I honestly dont mind her anxiaty and adhd cause i married her for who she is. but the she wants to leave and ger her own space i dont know if a its a good idea, cause im just scared she wont come back for whatever reason. Neither of us cheated on each other so thats not a factor. Thank you guys for all your help. if you have any other questions let me know. Just dont want her rotting by herself then being with her family that loves her.

Danny

Hello everyone,         I

Hello everyone,

        I think its got to be postpartum depression but I dont know. Going good rest of the week everything was cool like usually. Then we sat on the couch for a few min before i had to go to work and shes going threw my phone which i dont care like usuall, then asked me again about what i think about her getting her own place. So i told her i already told her my feeling. That i wouldnt be happy and it would be hard and she can finacially get a place within the next few months anywayand do whagt makes her happy cause thats what i care about is for her to be happy she was getting emotional when she brought it up also too. Question is, is this a phase shes goin threw? how long does it usually last-ish, how i should react? shoudl i just be like hey go ahead get ur own place. But then what will happen. what do u think is the best aproch for having her not to want to move out . i dont know what going on. I have a lot of paitence but when she brings the moving out thing up, i kinda get nervous cause i really dont think it will do anything. At give her all the space she wants at home too. Thanks for your guys help!