ADHD wife pregnant in medical school...

I am going absolute crazy.

 

We've only been married for 1.5 months, she got pregnant on our wedding night, and she started medical school a few weeks ago. She went from taking 80mg non-xr qd to 30-40mg. She is struggling in class, absolutely horrible to me, and I'm starting counseling next week just to deal with my own emotions. Saw my parents (who live on the other coast) for the first time today in a few months (they flew out to see my new nephew that was recently born a couple hours away but stopped to check in on me...) and I could barely hold it together. I spent the morning painting over mustard stains on the ceiling (temper tantrum from 2 weeks ago when she threw mustard at the fridge and it friggin' exploded everywhere), repainting walls from where she throws glasses and plates (has been happening). She won't let me talk to her psychiatrist... I don't want to intervene in her med school (she has threatened to sabotage my studies at a better medical school that start in August if she doesn't pass this summer introductory class... it's not looking too good because with her reduced medication she struggles to cover the huge amount of material covered in her lectures). I know that I will start medical school no matter what she's breaking or threatening but I don't want to ruin her class this summer by bringing the psychiatrist in to eff with her meds some more...

 

I just need to vent because marriage so far has not been easy. And its not getting any easier with a kid and eight to ten years of rigorous education ahead of me. I hope this therapy works cause I'm not feelin' too good right now.

Slow down!

You two sound like you are trying to cram too much into the first year of your marriage. A pregnancy bring tremendous demands on a woman's body, and trying to juggle the pressures of med school, adjusting to a new marriage, changes in meds!?!?  Can you two talk about possibly slowing down and rescheduling your lives based on this new situation? Otherwise you may not make it through the first (and already the toughest) years to get to the most satisfying years.

A word of wisdom: I recently retired, and I'm glad I didn't rush through my life to get to the end. Savor and enjoy each other. Take time to wonder at the new life you have created. These are the most valuable times of your lives. Yes, and even take the time to enjoy med school. SLOW DOWN! You're going to miss your life!

Yikes that IS a lot to handle

Yikes that IS a lot to handle so quickly after getting married.  Would she consider putting off med school just until she has the baby and can go back on meds..its sounds like she is not handling the reduction in meds, being newly married, being pregnant, and med school very well, that sounds extremely difficult for anyone.  Best of Luck !

hang in there...

I am an ADHD wife- pregnant right now- and a lawyer. I had to go through law school unmedicated and got married the summer before I started...

My husband would hold your hand and say 'there there'. I know the first few years of marriage were incredibly hard for him, as they were for me (and as they can be for any couple- ADHD or not).

Let me just say, in her defence, that it's not easy for her with the hormones and being overwhelmed with a new school, new marriage, baby on the way... too many life changes...

One thing about your post stuck out to me...  she has threatened to sabotage my studies at a better medical school

Why did you include the detail that your medical school is better? I only ask because that was strange detail to include. I hope you don't belittle her school or make her feel inferior... no one likes that.

I know you are just venting and I'm not trying to nitpick... but it's just a thought.

Maybe take a little space and give her the same. Hope things get better soon. :)

Perhaps An Assumption

I would guess this was something brought up by the wife.

Perhaps I'm wrong.

I just know my spouse always wants to have the best at the expense of everyone else.

Example:

We could be Christmas shopping for our children and whatever we were buying he insisted on always making an impulse purchase of a higher model because, "he deserved it."

This. She (understandably)

This. She (understandably) wants the best, and blames me for  her not doing better in classes / mcat. When the reality is that I waited two extra years to apply so that she could have ample time to finish her prereqs (reduced course load) and study for the mcat. She repeats everyday: if I can't pass this class there's no way you're going to medical school. I've recently decided to include her parents on the situation but everything seems to be getting more and more out of control.

Yesterday she said that she wanted to stay home and study (I had rsvp'ed yes to a family July 4th function only after making sure it was okay with her) while I watched fireworks with family; the whole time I was gone she sent horrible text messages, when I got home there was broken dishware all over the kitchen, and she came after me (landed a solid kick to my privates too). So this morning I go to call her psychiatrist to clue him in on her behavior and she freaked out (threatened to go to planned parenthood to have an abortion, etc) and is REFUSING to get psychiatric help. Her parents REALLy want her to get help, but they're in WA and we're in LA... I'm seriously at my wits end. I don't know what to do. She is so smart that she obfuscates the situation and series of events to blame me and puts the fault on me (my response: maybe you're right! I'll get a psychiatric evaluation WITH YOU!) and blames me for everything (I don't trust you... You're not ready to be the father of my child and I know that I cannot do it alone...)

 

This morning she ripped the hair out of my head so hard that my scalp is bleeding! ARGH! I'm so frustrated, sad, and scared :(

Your wife is engaging in

Your wife is engaging in domestic abuse.  I think that you need to seek help and pronto.  Doesn't matter that it's woman to man behavior; it's still violent and dangerous behavior.  

Abuse...

I totally agree with Rosered... This is abuse and you guys need help ASAP.

Your wife's behavior is also

Your wife's behavior is also very threatening to herself and to your unborn child.  I suggest calling the psychiatrist.  

I agree. Her mother called

I agree. Her mother called the psychiatrist. She is in a safe place (in gross anatomy lab) until 5, which is public. It gives me 4 hours to figure out with her parents and psychiatrist what needs to be done. Thank you all, this is actually a really important place for me to be right now (on this forum) because I can't handle this but feel like I'm a horrible and pathetic husband.

I didn't realize she was violent with you

Throwing dishes and food around is a LOT different than ripping your hair out and kicking you in the groin and threatening abortion...

You do need to get her some help and maybe leave your apartment for a day or two to stay with some friends. It sounds like a very unsafe environment.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing how to perfectly deal with things- just make things safe in the immediate future and worry about things you could change about the situation to improve things second.

Good luck.

Yikes!

I have ADHD, work 40+!hours a week, have been married for 2 years, have recently gained partial custody of my sister's daughter (I'm only 25), and am obtaining a Ph.D in Immunology. I can be sympathetic to stress. I'm sure it's only magnified by the hormones, but it sounds like she is being abusive and slightly psychotic. I generally know when I'm being unbearable (cranky, not physical) and I always end up having remorse and apologizing. There's no excuse for behavior like that. I would see your own psychiatrist, document everything with them, and issue and ultimatum. Either she shapes up, agrees to JOINT therapy, and pulls some of her responsibility off of her plate or you walk. When my husband got accepted into graduate school.. A more prestigious one than mine, I was THRILLED for him. Sure, that meant us being stretched a little thin, but I believed he had the same right to his dreams as I've had. Over the past year, we've managed to work it out and continue to work it out one day at a time. You're a better person than I am.. That's for sure. Stick to your guns and good luck!

Linsy's picture

supporting our partners

I supported my husband while he built his dream of having his own business. He asked me to join him, and I did, but I had to stop working with him as he became so angry whenever I tried to help. Then he just collapsed, within a month of our last child's birth (2001) and did nothing further to support the family (or very little). Support dreams yes, as long as they are realistic and will lead to improvement in life. I have not lived with him for 2 years. He went to university while living with his mother - but he dropped out (didn't want to do the work) and anyway was doing a degree that was diletante not training for anything useful - like work. When I look at his background, I can see a priviledged family where working for a living was a bit 'demeaning'. Stupid really, but infected him to the core. I suppose far more than someone more robust, due to the ADHD reality thing? ie living outside mainstream reality? I can see here some Adders who are perfectly sussed and able to function. There is still a possibility that ADD is not what he has, but I haven't a clue really.

Linsy's picture

so sorry

You seem to be doing the right thing, but stepping away may be best and suggesting that you are blocking her texts. I know how horrible texts can be - got panic attacks from my husband's ones at his worst. I don't live with him until he gets help. They know how to hurt, how to push your buttons, how to make you feel awful when you have done NOTHING wrong. It is an illness - I don't know what it has to do with ADD. Good luck and please stay safe. Poor girl, she must be in some kind of hell and maybe shouldn't be alone, but you are maybe not the right person. Sorry only speaking from experience. Partners always reap the whirlwind. I did.

Message for medstudent, question for lawyer

don't know where to start.  I think everyone has already said what needs to be said but wanted to add two things.  1.  If you can, make sure her OB/GYN is informed.  This is your baby and you have a right to give input to its care.  2.  This is a question for smilingagain,  are there any legal steps he could take to ensure his child's safety.  Like, through the court system to have her hospitalized.  I know she probably has to be deemed incompetent first but just a thought.

My prayers to you, your wife, and your child

Was she violent before?

If not, i'm thinking (hoping) it's the drastic hormonal change plus reduction in meds that's causing the violent behavior.  I am an ADHD wife and pregnancy was exceedingly difficult for my physically, emotionally and mentally.  I didn't know I had ADHD until a year and a half ago, so I didn't have to STOP taking meds for my pregnancies, but I definitely felt everything got worse.

The competition over med school though, can't be healthy.  And I'm sure she's already feeling daunted by the whole 'Women Can't Have it All' realization we're running up against these days.

I hope you both get the help you need.  I would recommend in addition to calling the Psychiatrist, perhaps also call the police if more violence occurs so that there is a paper trail if you need it.

Good luck!