Hi, I'm married to a man with all of the above - and we're in a mess! We've been together for 21 years and have 3 children (one with a disability) Husband was diagnosed officially with ADHD in 2021 and spent a tough 6 months trialling meds until he found one which worked. We both thought his life would get better, but things seem to have got worse? He takes antidepressants, struggles with mental health at times but does everything right to look after himself - he runs (and runs), raises money for charity, helps other people with their mental health issues.

He has always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, over the years he would drink too much and never seemed able to stop on a night out (or in) This led to lots of arguments and he always got upset with our oldest daughter for some reason (similar personalities?) I was always the peacekeeper. Recently, he drank to excess and it's so hurtful for me and the kids, he can't accept there's a problem there and I don't know what to do? I can't make him stop drinking - he thinks he can read a self help book and control it himself. I think he's setting himself up to fail due to his emotional dysregulation. 
There's a LOT of childhood trauma in his past that he's addressed through therapy, I feel more therapy would help him accept his ADHD and learn to live with it more positively?

He can't understand why I feel lonely as he loves me, everything I say he takes the wrong way, the defensiveness is such a barrier, he thinks I'm blaming him for our marriage problems - I have said again and again it's the ADHD but it doesn't get through to him.

Pretty sad right now, feels like he won't (can't?) fight for our relationship and cannot accept the effect his adhd and mental health is having on all of us.