ADHD..,,Husband going crazy....

Some thing is wrong...he is losing his mind...could be a lot of things...any minute we would end up apart,maybe it's for the best,,but OMG!! if only he could tell me what's wrong...he won't speak to me..he won't tell me what's wrong..and when he does..he comes up with some excuse that does not makes sense...like last night he was in such a bad mood I had to pick up my self and rush back home and I had just arrived,,I asked him"how was work baby" and before I could even say baby to finish my sentence,he said"fuc***g hard"and walked straight to the kitchen..I was confuse and didn't know what to do..so I told him I am leaving and if he wants to pass by my house later he could,,he never did..

He was underpaid last month and ever since then he has been cranky and depress,maybe that's the reason"I think"or maybe he just has these major "mood swings" as usual,,but I have never seen him behave like this where he would just zone out from me and for a reason like this..I hope it's not infidelity and then guilt behind it...who knows what to ever really expect,,it's so frustrating...I tried to talk to him..but he was really in one bad bad mood ever since he got underpaid,,,

lovehurts...

saying more crazy stuff...

Now besides being moody and angry that he got underpaid,he is saying things like this.Monday afternoon,,after work

me:"hi honey,do you want me to help you cook"

him:"no!!

me:"okay then I would help you wash the dishes and sweep the tile floor"

him:"no answer"

me:"I am going then..I see that you are not in a good mood,and if you want you could come over later,by me and say hello"

him:"no answer"

me:"left the house by him"with no reply...

next day...

me:"hi babe...are you ready to tell me what's wrong with you"

him:"I am soo tired on a Monday,,I have to come home and cook this food for myself,I have to come home and do everything,I am 47 and still living a single life,, and with you on the bed doing nothing you are in my space,,,and I need to come down,,and you won't give me a chance to come down from work..

I swear to god..I asked him to help out,,I tried to help him..but yet I am in his space..then he promises my son a summer work at his factory..and he did not come this morning and pick up the kid and the kid was waiting since 7 this morning for him,,when he did call me last night and tell me he would take him Today...now he puts the child in the middle...what a assho**....

I told him to take as much space as he wants,,,but whatever happens happens..I am not going to sit here and wait for this to go away.....I will make it if I have to and live my life normal...

lovehurts...

 

Pbartender's picture

Sounds like my non-ADHD wife, lately...

Sounds something like my non-ADHD wife, lately...  She gets into a mood, where I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  It doesn't matter what I do or do not do -- it's a no win situation for me -- she's just spoiling for a fight.

My latest example...

DW had been having a very busy, very rough week.  She was obviously stressed out, and I thought it'd be nice for both of us to get out of the house, relax and have just a little fun.  There was a movie we'd both been looking forward to.  We'd thought we'd missed it, but I noticed that a local theater was still showing it...

WEDNESDAY...

Me: Do you want to go to a movie this weekend? The utility bill was a lot less than I had panned on, so I've got some spare cash for it. Prometheus is still playing at the Tinseltown theater, and I know we both wanted to go see it.

DW: I think there's better things to spend the money on...  but we can take another look at it later.

Me: Okay.

 

SATURDAY...

(What I though was "later".)

Me: Say, would you be interested in that movie tomorrow?  We could catch the early bird matinee...  the tickets are only $3 each, and I'd have enough left over for a some popcorn.

DW: *huff!*  *SIGH!* *eyeroll*  I thought we already talked about this.  (Imagine this said in a tone appropriate for a typical disrespectfully exasperated teenager...)

Me: Uh...  Yeah...  We did.  You said that you thought there were better things to spend the money on, but that we could take another look at it later.  (I'll admit, I was secretly a little proud that the meds and coaching were paying off, and I'd precisely remembered the conversation from three days earlier.)

DW: I've got other things to worry about before movies happen!  (She stomps out.)

Me: Okay.

 

SUNDAY...

(The "others things to worry about" confused me a little... I knew she was worried about money, but this sounded like she might have been referring to something else as well.  I didn't get a chance to ask her in private about it until the next day, after she'd cooled down some.)

Me: Have you got a minute? 

DW: Sure, what is it?

Me: The other day, when we talked about going to a movie, I know you said there were better things to spend the money, but yesterday you said you had other things to worry about before movies...  Were you just worried about money, or is there something else bothering you that I can help with?

DW: *GLARE!* I'M WORRIED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO BUY GROCERIES AND PUT GAS IN MY CAR! (Again, she stops out.)

Me: Okay.

 

Not sure just yet how to handle it, myself.  Calling her out on it, even in a respectful manner, just seems to make thing worse.  It'll certainly be a topic for my next coaching session.

 

Pb.

PB,,,this is really...

PB..this is really not easy to deal with...I have been going this through over and over again in my mind and I know I have not done anything to deserve that type of treatment form DH,,I think this through and I believe that he has major issues besides just ADHD let alone,,he has mood swings,depressions,,and I know these symptoms coexist with ADHD,but then he brings this horrifying energy pass me,I guess b/c I am the only person left in his life to bring that sort of energy around,his kids are resenting him presently and his Mother,,actually everyone in his family.I can see how much they love him,but they keep him from a distance b/c of his actions and then he often wonder why they are so distant from him..wow!!! go figure.

I just dropped off a letter at his apartment under the door,but I have a spare set of keys and he does not know that I do,reason being he wants me when I am done with work,which is early to go to his apartment and wash,clean,cook before he gets home and I have to try and spend some time with my kids and all he wants me to do is go and slave for him...so I made the keys in case I need to go in when he is at work to make sure that he is not cheating..I am not sure why really,maybe just to keep me comfortable...

I try my best to make him happy..I would do what ever he wants me to do..I did not work for 10 days to take a vacation with him in the Caribbean,,then we go out every Friday night,I stay with him on the weekends,and I try to go up by his apartment every evening,,,but nothing I do keeps him happy....for 1 year plus he keeps telling me that I don't spend enough time with him,,,then suddenly on Monday evening and sometime last week,I am in his space....what a loser...

I hope that things work out for you and your wife....

lovehurts...

 

Pbartender's picture

Wish I could say the same for you, but...

...the guy's (acting like) an asshole, plain and simple.  ADHD is no excuse for that.

Stop trying to make him happy.  He has made it clear that you cannot.

Do what you need to do to make yourself happy. He'ss also made it clear that he won't do anything that would help you there.

 

Pb.

Pb,,,,funnyfarm....I am at a lost....

I am at a lost which ever way I try with him,,,he is a very nasty man I admit....I see where he could be really angry and taking out his frustrations on me and it was never me that contributed to that anger..always him...pb,,I agree with you when you said he is just being an asshole,he has always been like that,,,but that is the funny thing,somehow after being a complete asshole he would make it up to me and treat me sooo nice after....this weekend he took me for dinner,and he cooked and he was in a very loving mood,,,and then after that he would become the person I don't even know,,,really...maybe ADHD I presume kicking in....

Funnyfarm,,,I don't live with DH,b/c we can't afford a bigger place right now and I live home with my mother,and my kids live with me...when we first met we use to live together home with my mother and my kids,,but he is a very hard person to live with,he would be very moody and angry for things that is not his business in my house,so he got his apartment and left and I prefer it this way...and yes I do go up and clean and sometimes wash,,,but he does all the cooking...I don't feel like a maid but I would admit I feel used sometimes....the only reason I would help him do it,is b/c he would be sooo tired after work and I would feel sorry and do it....but I don't have to if I don't want to.....thanks for responding to you both.....

lovehurts....

Pbartender's picture

Co-dependent?

Do a little research on co-dependency...  It could be part of the problem.

 

Pb.

OMG!!! pb,,you could be right...

yes....I need him to fix my car,,,,and he needs me for whatever he needs me for......

thanks......

lovehurts....

Pbartender's picture

More than that...

There's much more to it, than a simple reliance on each other's skills. 

It's more about one person (you) being excessively and unhealthily focused on someone else's (your husband's) needs to the point of neglecting their own.  Meanwhile, the other person (your husband) uses that preoccupation to manipulate and control the former (you).

 

Pb.

oh....pb...I never thought of it like that...

I never thought of it like that...You could be right...but where does "love" fit in there..even if he is manipulating(me),,to the point of my unhealthily focused on (him),how can you tell that I am just doing the focusing on (him) b/c I do indeed (love) him...and maybe he does indeed (love) the (me) that maybe it looks like that,and really is not...but could be that...but it get mixed up with his anger and dpressions..and so call mood swings...Hmmmmmm.....this is frustrating..

lovehurts.....

Pbartender's picture

Just like figuring out ADHD...

First, get some more info on co-dependency.  Then, talk to a professional -- a therapist or counselor -- about it.  They'll tell you for certain.

I could be wrong, it might not be, but you've got some red flags that suggest it.

 

Pb.

I must say I don't understand

I must say I don't understand why you do what you are doing... you don't live with your H, but you go there every day to clean, cook, take his crap, you have a spare set of keys so you can check and make sure he isn't cheating on you, and he doesn't know you have keys...  Are you seeing a therapist ? Either i'm not getting the whole picture or you are in a seriously dysfunctional relationship..more so than most of us... If I were you I would get on with my life and be done with him. Are you his servant ? his cleaning lady ?....I mean I feel that way sometimes BUT at least we are all still under the same roof.  Get yourself some help and get on with your life...without him.

question for Pb

Do you have a full-time job? This sounds like a wife who is exasperated at having to carry most of the financial load in a relationship.

Pbartender's picture

Yes, I do...

I've been working a full-time job at the same laboratory for the last 14 years (ever since we got married).  Without debt (credit cards, student loans, car loans, etc...), I'd be making more than enough for us to live comfortably and happily.  I pay almost all the bills, except for her car payment, the cell phone bill and groceries.  I have a homemade spreadsheet that I use to plan out the bills budget a year in advance, to make certain that there's always money for them and that they're always paid on time.  Only very rarely does a bill get paid late.  However...

While we almost never over-spend, both of us have a tendency to spend away extra money, so there's usually little to spare or to save.  Emergencies often get put on credit cards, with little to no savings to fall back on.  The weekly budget can be very tight sometimes for gas and groceries and such, if an unexpected or sporadic expense pops up, or if we don't pay close enough attention to how much "fun" money we spend.  I've got school registration fees planned for this week, so I don't have much to spare for the next week or two, and she spent most of her spare cash hanging out with her friends last week.

One of my current projects is reviewing our budget and double-checking to see where we can save a bit of money on bills to get some breathing space, and to proactively pay down our debts with the intent of eliminating them.

Thinking about it, I think much of her display was due to A) stress from a busy week full of not-fun-stuff, and B) simple instinctive reaction...  She's too used to me NOT remembering and NOT paying attention and getting it wrong, and so she might have reacted in the usual way without thinking.

 

Pb.

Hey PB. FF here again...

Hey PB. FF here again... :-)   Doesn't sound to me like your wifes reaction really had anything to do with money, i mean a $3 matinee ???   Seems more like just stress in general and from your other posts she may not be in a place she wants to do fun stuff with you, at least when stress levels are high for her.  I have been really trying the last couple days to change my response (as you know) in hope if my H sees that I am not as short tempered with him he may I HOPE try and manage his ADHD, but prior to this decision of giving it one last shot, when my H asked if I wanted to go out to dinner or a 'date night' i always said No because I just didn't want to spend time with someone i was so angry with.   Today was another stressful day for me...or should i say more stressful than usual, spent the morning at the hospital with my son, then had to finish work, then make dinner, then get gas, run to the drug store, etc...and i could feel the anger boiling up in me and I was blaming HIM for it in my mind. because I always have to do all the running around, chores, anything that has to do with our kids, etc, and he just has to go to work and come home and eat.  I had to make a conscious effort to calm down and not blame him because I know he cannot do everything I do..at least not until he gets a handle on his ADHD.  sorry didn't mean to rattle on about my life, but your wife seems like she is just in that place I am also usually in, and i am just trying to get out of it.   PB I know from previous posts your wife wasn't interested in hearing about ADHD, or going to your appts, etc...did she ever read Meliss'a book ?  It really seems like you are trying, wish my H was... but that book at least did help me realize once again my part in this vicious circle we are in.

Pbartender's picture

That's what I figured, too...

"Doesn't sound to me like your wifes reaction really had anything to do with money, i mean a $3 matinee ???   Seems more like just stress in general and from your other posts she may not be in a place she wants to do fun stuff with you, at least when stress levels are high for her.  I have been really trying the last couple days to change my response (as you know) in hope if my H sees that I am not as short tempered with him he may I HOPE try and manage his ADHD, but prior to this decision of giving it one last shot, when my H asked if I wanted to go out to dinner or a 'date night' i always said No because I just didn't want to spend time with someone i was so angry with."

Oh, yeah...  I got that at the time...  that's why I held back, backed off and let her have some time and space, instead of "bulldozing" her with convincing arguments, like I might have before.  It was terribly tempting to start in with the "But I've hardly seen in you in the last two weeks!" or "It's only six dollars!" or "I've already got the money set aside!" or "You don't worry about money when your coworkers want you to go out!" and so on...  but I didn't.

One of the assignments my coach gave to me was to try to find ways to occasionally spend time with my wife -- just the two of us together, no kids, no other friends -- not in any romantically, mind you, just as friends doing something fun together and with no other expectations.  The hope is to slowly and gently rebuild some of the bonds and trust that we'd previously lost.

This was one of those attempts...  and I'm expecting some small amounts of resistance at this early stage, so I'm not terribly disappointed when she declines.

On the other hand...

Yesterday, she had the day off, and while I was at work, I sent her a text message:  "I was just thinking about you...  I hope you're having a great day today! Between Simone, the funeral, the cat running away, the extra dogs at home, your interviews, and other craziness at work, the last week or so has been kind of busy and rough for you...  You seemed extra stressed out the last few days. Let me know if there's anything extra I can do to help out.  :) "

She replied:  "Thanks! If I think of something, I'll let you now..."

Later, when I got home from work, and brain-farted that she had to go ride with a co-worker to take a store deposit to the bank, instead of getting upset and grouchy about it, like I half expected, she practically laughed it off...  "Remember, you made a joke about me riding shot-gun on the stage coach and fighting off payroll-stealing bandits."  Yep, I remembered it, then.  :D

 

Pb.

you made my cry.  why can't

you made my cry.  why can't my H TRY ?????  I'm proud of you, let me give you a virtual pat on the back. keep it up ! 

funnyfarm

Mine tries...but I think it's just waaaaay too late.  Yours never does?  Maybe he does and like me, you are just so hurt and so defensive you don't see it.  Mine will do it at the worst time.  Things are horrible here, arguing, short tempers, nasty words and out of the blue, "how about you and I go do something together?".....like what? I want to say.  We can't even be civil alone in the house, I want to actually take this lit slowly burning "bomb" out in public, where God only knows what could happen?  I don't think so.

So sad.  I am so envious of other couples at this stage in their lives.  Married 25 years, twins 18, going off to college in less than a month :(.......  It SHOULD be about us and we and reconnecting, but he has been soooo disconnected and is so forgetful it would be like starting out with someone new.  If that sounded appealing i would chose that....at least the painful history wouldn't be there, and the EFFIN   A D H D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess you are partially

I guess you are partially correct, its like its too little too late.  On occasion he does what I want when i ask him ...and i don't nag, i hate nagging, i will ask can you do X this weekend, sure he says, the weekend goes and X isn't done, i don't say a word until next weekend and i'll say, can you do X this weekend, he will say sure, same thing happens, so after a month goes by he does finally do X but doesn't seem to even recall that i had asked him 4 weekends in a row. On occasion he takes his meds, but i just looked at his bottle I filled it 2 months ago and the 30 pills have not run out..so maybe 50% of the time he takes his meds. On the days he doesn't I can almost guarantee he will be irritable at everyone, yet doesn't see it is HIM, by evening he will blow up at someone, I in turn blow up at him....but he doesn't see this same stupid pattern. I know I shouldn't blow up but after putting up with a moody dictator all day when he finally lets lose I can't help but jump all over him.  Is that trying ? I don't think so, not like YYZ, or Pbartender, or ADHDmomof2, and so many others on this site that are ACTIVELY trying to manage the ADHD. I do not think what my H does is actively trying, its more like passively trying.