Firstly, I'm the one with the disorder(s). I have OCD, ADHD and a BONUS eating disorder. In order to be successful, I must have a plan, make advanced preparations and a stable routine. After 10 years of dating, in my infinite wisdom, I agreed to marry my long time partner and his alcoholism. We are fast approaching our 2nd anniversary and I am fast approaching a full scale lock me in the psych ward meltdown.
I've just come home from an overly long "vacation"with my terminally ill parents to find our home completely in a shambles. My plants are all dead. When I opened the fridge to grab a mineral water something with tentacles and a demonic voice tried to pull me into the fridge. There is dog feces on the carpet in the spare bedroom. The bed is unmade. There are no edible food stuffs in the house. The dishes I washed and left in the dish drainer to dry THREE WEEKS AGO are still sitting there. MY bathroom is a wreck, as he simply decided to use mine while I was away and didn't have the courtesy to empty the waste basket, refill the toilet tissue, clean his whiskers out of the sink, pick up the towels off the floor, or flush the toilet regularly. We have a house guest coming in a week to help me get my eating disorder back under control and stay with me while I go to the gym. I am freaking out.
My husband works all week except Wednesday and I would like to actually spend some quality time with him after my prolonged absence- but I am enraged! I have a week to get all this in order and I've actually phoned a friend to help. Why should I have to call a friend to help when I have a husband, my alleged partner?!!! Because he wont help and I know I will have to do it all by myself. Now my ADHD is doing the cha cha with my OCD and I cannot figure out where to start. I have no plan. I've been trying to unpack form my trip, but I feel like I need to get the furniture moved into the guest room before my friend comes to help me tomorrow. I could just go take a big hand full of my meds and knock myself into a comfortable state of apathy, but then who will get any of this done?
Oh, dear, that is awful. I'm
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Oh, dear, that is awful. I'm angry on your behalf. Those particular manifestations of mess and being taken advantage of are incredibly disgusting.
Start with the dog poop, then move to the fridge, then the bathroom.
Make a list... and move
Submitted by Survival Mode Momma on
Make a list... and move slowly room to room. Sorry. That stinks!
So sorry .....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I Have experienced the same. I once came home from taking care of ill parents to find the house literally "cloudy" inside because of all the dust, pet fur, dander, etc....yes, the air was cloudy! And every counter was filled with fast food bags, cups, glasses, and what have you. Also, pet stains all over the carpet because he didn't always let them out to do their business. His response was...well, we were going to get new flooring soon anyway. WTH?
Some of this isn't the ADHD....some is depression and alcoholism. Is he still an active alcoholic?
I would start in the bathroom (i'm guessing the dog poop is already picked up)....it's small and can get clean quicker. Then move to another small area...the fridge...then the kitchen...then the next room.
Then when you feel that your H would be open to a "talk" confront him with this and how inappropriate it is.
That is straight up horse
Submitted by Oldskool454 on
That is straight up horse crap, I have the ADHD in my marriage and even I have the good sense to clean the house before my wife gets home if she has been away for a while. I would never expect her to come home and just start cleaning the mess I created and I would feel ashamed if she came home early before I had had a chance to clean up my mess (and I DO make a mess when left to my own devices!).
How does he respond if you ask him directly why he didn't clean and when he is planning on doing so? Does he think it is fair that you have to come home after being gone a long time and have to clean up HIS mess?
I think the issue is this.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You may "only" have ADHD. And, you may not have a severe case, or maybe you do, but you were raised better. Good parenting (hands-on, teaching, guiding, routines), can mitigate a lot of ADHD symptoms and behaviors.
In the OP's case and in my case, the H's are also alcoholics. Their brains don't work well from THAT.
In my case, my H resents it when I'm gone....he resents it a LOT. In his mind, he is "punishing me" by leaving me a big mess to clean. In his mind, I deserve it.
One time he got very drunk and spilled red wine EVERYWHERE....and I mean EVERYWHERE.....down the hall, up the stairs, on the walls, on pictures on the walls, on furniture....everywhere. He spent the night walking around, refilling his glass, and spilling everywhere.
The next day, he told me that since I had "upset him", it was my responsibility to clean it all up. Unbelievable. I upset him because I didn't answer my phone quick enough.
My H doesn't just have ADHD. He also has OCD, anxiety, depression, an AXIS II personality disorder, and he was raised by an extremely permissive indulging lazy mother.
H is not always like this. There are times when I'm gone and when I return, H has cleaned things up, washed the sheets, etc. But that is only if he hasn't been in a drinking jag, a depression jag, etc. If he has dysregulated while I'm gone, then I will come home to a war zone.
Do you realize.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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I'm the one with the disorder(s).
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Your H is an alcoholic. I suspect that he also has a disorder. I would guess that it's pretty rare for someone to become an alcoholic and not have some mental issue. The reason for the excessive drinking which caused the alcoholism is usually some kind of mental unhealthyness.....major depression, major anxiety, personality disorder, etc.