Advice adhd husband with anxiety and depression

Hello - it’s taken me 2 years to get to a place where I can seek help and advice. Iv looked for so long for people that may be able to help

Me and experienced the same. 


I married my husband in 2018. He was diagnosed with adhd, depression and anxiety about 6 months before we married but did not tell me till several months after we married and we had had our first baby. It was a very stressful time, for us both. 


He takes his medications every day, sometimes double dosing (at apparently the consent of his Dr) and speaks to his psychiatrist often. His medications have had to be tweaked several times as we are dealing with multiple issues but ultimately he describes it as a light bulb finally being switched on and he is turbo charged. He has his own business, is extremely smart and ambitious and finally reaping the rewards. He’s able to be focused finally and concentrate on his work. But he is obsessive with it. He worked during my labour for example and constantly priorities his work even if we have guests over, he will work. He has sacrificed friendships, family time, holidays, and even his physical health - he has gained more than 3 stone in 2 years after being a really active healthy person - all so that he Can work. 


The last 2 years have also found us having many arguments, I have been verbally abused no end. Called names that I would never have imagined would come out of his mouth. I was with him for several years before we married and he was diagnosed and he was always so calm with me, he would never be abusive. When he’s become very angry this has turned physical on occasion with grabbing me, throwing or shaking me. I believe he’s always had adhd, he’s always had a serious issue with time keeping, obsessive personality, risk taking etc, but since diagnosis and medication it’s ramped up - I thought it was meant to stabilise? 


I have always noted that his reactions are highly emotive when the crux of the argument is so minor. Iv often stated that I would only be expressing an opinion that would differ to his own and this would generate a huge response from Him. He’s said that I don’t listen to him, respect his opinions, that he is logical, right about 99.9% of things that he’s successful in his business so his voice should be taken more seriously. The truth of the matter is that at

Times he is right but his delivery is terrible and poor. I have stopped arguing about factual matters but will stand by personal opinions on matters And this still causes uproars. The last had him telling me he wanted a divorce twice in the space of 2 weeks. 


Every time a huge reaction does happen and he finally steps back and sees what’s going on I get an apology, albeit with an explanation for his feelings. He considers it both our faults and that I trigger him. I honestly in my heart know that 80% of our arguments are down to his mental health and how he justifies his behaviours  in his head. 


Despite the above, due to the divorce threat - which he swiftly apologised for but I was not going to take lightly, he has agreed to marriage counselling - which has started. We are also trying to have a sort of “safe word” for when either of us feels slightly triggered by something so that we can walk away before something unnecessarily erupts. I want to also seek counselling  for myself to help with being with someone with adhd. 

I wanted to ask if there’s anything I’m missing , anything else I can try? 

I thought about seeing if we could get a second opinion on his medication, could that he worth something? 


I finally appreciate he’s never going to be “cured” that this is it. But I’m trying everything I can to avoid being statistic. We have a child and hope to grow our family in due course. I just want to know Iv done everything I can.