Hello - it’s taken me 2 years to get to a place where I can seek help and advice. Iv looked for so long for people that may be able to help
Me and experienced the same.
I married my husband in 2018. He was diagnosed with adhd, depression and anxiety about 6 months before we married but did not tell me till several months after we married and we had had our first baby. It was a very stressful time, for us both.
He takes his medications every day, sometimes double dosing (at apparently the consent of his Dr) and speaks to his psychiatrist often. His medications have had to be tweaked several times as we are dealing with multiple issues but ultimately he describes it as a light bulb finally being switched on and he is turbo charged. He has his own business, is extremely smart and ambitious and finally reaping the rewards. He’s able to be focused finally and concentrate on his work. But he is obsessive with it. He worked during my labour for example and constantly priorities his work even if we have guests over, he will work. He has sacrificed friendships, family time, holidays, and even his physical health - he has gained more than 3 stone in 2 years after being a really active healthy person - all so that he Can work.
The last 2 years have also found us having many arguments, I have been verbally abused no end. Called names that I would never have imagined would come out of his mouth. I was with him for several years before we married and he was diagnosed and he was always so calm with me, he would never be abusive. When he’s become very angry this has turned physical on occasion with grabbing me, throwing or shaking me. I believe he’s always had adhd, he’s always had a serious issue with time keeping, obsessive personality, risk taking etc, but since diagnosis and medication it’s ramped up - I thought it was meant to stabilise?
I have always noted that his reactions are highly emotive when the crux of the argument is so minor. Iv often stated that I would only be expressing an opinion that would differ to his own and this would generate a huge response from Him. He’s said that I don’t listen to him, respect his opinions, that he is logical, right about 99.9% of things that he’s successful in his business so his voice should be taken more seriously. The truth of the matter is that at
Times he is right but his delivery is terrible and poor. I have stopped arguing about factual matters but will stand by personal opinions on matters And this still causes uproars. The last had him telling me he wanted a divorce twice in the space of 2 weeks.
Every time a huge reaction does happen and he finally steps back and sees what’s going on I get an apology, albeit with an explanation for his feelings. He considers it both our faults and that I trigger him. I honestly in my heart know that 80% of our arguments are down to his mental health and how he justifies his behaviours in his head.
Despite the above, due to the divorce threat - which he swiftly apologised for but I was not going to take lightly, he has agreed to marriage counselling - which has started. We are also trying to have a sort of “safe word” for when either of us feels slightly triggered by something so that we can walk away before something unnecessarily erupts. I want to also seek counselling for myself to help with being with someone with adhd.
I wanted to ask if there’s anything I’m missing , anything else I can try?
I thought about seeing if we could get a second opinion on his medication, could that he worth something?
I finally appreciate he’s never going to be “cured” that this is it. But I’m trying everything I can to avoid being statistic. We have a child and hope to grow our family in due course. I just want to know Iv done everything I can.
anything else I can try?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Consult an attorney now so you can be clear as to what your options are. Prepare for what you might think is 'the worst' BEFORE you must so that during the 'I want a divorce' conflagration you have an established game plan. You have extraordinary responsibilities to take care of yourself and your child. The hyper-focus is over; the RSD is in high gear; preparation is in order. Maybe his ADHD behaviors can be mitigated but they will not be eliminated. Prepare.
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You say you have been verbally abused to no end. That he has grabbed you, thrown you and shaken you. You also say you have a child. This is not a safe place for you or your child. If you believe he will not hurt your child, at best your child will still see him lash out at you. To answer your ultimate question, yes you've done everything you can. This is on him and he is a danger to you and your little one. I would recommend calling a local women's center where they help women in your situation get out safely. Or the police. I think you need a safe exit plan. Please ask yourself if you'd want your child to stay in a relationship like this in the future. I'm guessing that's a hard no. Get out... safely and soon.
Just wanted to add on a personal note that I wanted not to be a statistic too. A month ago we separated... it is something I have been working up to for 10 years if I'm honest. I was instantly relieved. The pain ever-present in my stomach and chest was gone. I have new difficulties as anticipated from separating from him, but the daily stress of living a nightmare with him is done. I wish I'd done it sooner. I wish I'd put myself and my wellbeing first sooner.
I agree with Melody.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
We have a child and hope to grow our family in due course.
I agree with what Melody said. Abusive marriages don't usually improve, as in the abuse usually continues or escalates.
I was in an abusive marriage for years. Things did not get better after the birth of our second child. I felt even more linked to him and even more trapped. I was a stay at home parent at the time, with no source of income. No one in my family knew how bad it was, as he never did things to me when others were present. After 10 years of putting up with it, I filed for divorce. I was dying inside and miserable. I didn't want our son and daughter to think that is how marriage works. I didn't want my daughter to choose an abuser or for my son to think it was OK to treat women like garbage.
It was terrifying when I finally left, I was afraid that I couldn't make it financially. But with some help, I did. It was a relief not having to look over my shoulder or walk on eggshells everyday, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Don't get pregnant
Submitted by adhd32 on
Do not add another human being to this situation. The amount of stress a second child would contribute to an already unstable relationship will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You are being abused and you need to recognize this. "When he’s become very angry this has turned physical on occasion with grabbing me, throwing or shaking me".
DO NOT MINIMIZE IT OR CALL IT ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT IT IS. DO NOT BLAME IT STRESS, OR HIS JOB, OR ADHD. HE IS ABUSIVE. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!
This is the worst situation in which to raise a child. Stop trying to fix him and start putting your energy into creating a stable home life for yourself and your child. All the fighting, his abuse, and your home situation will have devastating permanent psychological effects on your child. Follow WIGB's advise and consult an attorney.
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm glad your going to counseling.....I would offer this advice....To many of us (married couples) live our 2 being 1 lives doing a lot of assuming....Both partners can start assuming they KNOW how the other feels about life...So when conflict arises we start looking for some where to place the blame...When all along the problem is a lack of real truthful communication....You don't have to like what he thinks about the marriage dynamic, nor does he have to like the reality of your thinking...But you need to respect both your futures enough to discuss it....If your thoughts can't be shared and heard respectfully (without interruption and debate) one on one, being in front of a counselor may be the ticket for understanding of each others feelings about life...Acceptance of the difference's in your thinking must be understood, and respected, or you will be like many, just experiencing chaos....If you can come to accept difference's, you can always set boundaries to protect each of your selves from things you consider intrusive or unwise....But until all control (I'm right, and what you think don't matter) and manipulation die's, there isn't much hope for any of us.....
Many people with add, can be right in principle, but delivery the message w/ stress and high emotion...It's part of feeling disrespected....It's no excuse, it's just part of the mental make up, that has to be recognized and managed...There is no excuse for abuse (putting your hands on your spouse) that's a deal breaker in my book...