Advice on ADHD traits in a relationship

Hi,there, I am a new member and I was wondering if anyone out there could give me some advice please. I will try to keep it short and sweet if possible. I met this guy who lives opposite me,I have know him for a few years just to say hello to in passing. A few weeks ago things developed between us and at first things appeared to be ok but then I noticed a few things didn't add up, I knew he was a recovering alcoholic but had completely transformed and turned his life around for the better.

He would make comments such as this is me letting you in, after telling me a few things about himself which personally I thought were insignificant at the time and he only had a few close friends and family. I asked him why me and what was it about me and he said it was because he thought we clicked and that he trusted me up to a point which I thought was a bit strange as he hardly knew me. I remember staying at his place one evening and laying on his settee with a quilt over me and he specifically saying your privleiged as he had never done that before but never thought to ask him why. I would routinely joke to him about having a ritual,everything was done in certain way and in an orderly fashion and him mentioning that it was his way of coping otherwise he would not be able to function. He did tell me had ADHD and that he was also diagnosed with learning difficulties when he was young.  He hadn't been in a relationship for a very long time and the relationships he had been in had lasted under a year and he said he had been hurt before although his words were drink and violence were involved and that he also basically messed up so to speak. I thought nothing of it and he must of presumed that I understood about the condition as I had mentioned that I also had a son with the same thing but I was unfortunately an absent parent. He told his family about me and that I was his girlfriend although we had only been seeing one another for a short space of time and there had been no discussion with me on the subject. I noticed small things such as he would repeat himself sometimes, it was as if he had somehow forgotten that he had mentioned something or would have no recollection of it , or he would say things as if he had already told you it before and therefore would assume that you knew what he was on about, he would also have to explain what he was doing whilst I was there and there would be times when he would talk to me as if though I was a child having something explained to me for the first time,eventually I got so frustrated with him I nearly ended things but we managed to talk things over and things really improved after that, generally I found him to be a nice guy who seemed quite caring and attentive for most of the time. I spent xmas with him but a few days after at his place and we were always in the habit of teasing and joking with one another. Something cropped in the conversation mentioning a neighbor which just so happens to be a female and quite attractive and I recall him mentioning her before and I suppose one thing led to another and with me saying I thought that he fancied her but in no way was I acting jealous in anyway, and I said I am not stupid I have been round the block a few times, which although I cannot exactly recall his comment to that,it was however rude and made me feel cheap and I wondered why he was becoming personal towards me, the mood seemed to change thereafter and it was at this point he suggested that perhaps things should go back to how they were before, me meaning it to be just friends or so I thought and when I questioned him on the matter he refused to say and said it didn't matter and therefore would not expand,I said if you want to end things or are having doubts about us just tell me and I won't bother you anymore ,it was at this point I got upset and I was nearly crying, I left and went home, I emailed him saying how hurt I felt and I couldn't understand why things had happened the way they had and that if he had wanted to end things he didn't have to hurt me in the process or test me to see what response he got, I gave him back the present he got me for xmas, he posted mine through the letterbox, card and gift voucher and then text me to say sorry for how things had worked out,this left me feeling completely perplexed and dumbfounded. I then sent him several emails, in hindsight I now no that would of been too much information overload but I didn't realize this at the time. I last saw him a few days ago after him having blanked me and not responding to my emails as if though somehow I had never really existed which left me feeling considerably hurt and confused. He was very cold towards me and basically on the defensive and even accused me of shouting at him when truth known it was a result of feeling frustrated by the situation and left feeling what an earth had I done wrong and wondering how things had got like this, he told me that I had peed  him off that night when I said about fancying his neighbor and that he thought I was comparing him to her, which I wasn't and he said he didn't fancy her at all although that night he did mention that he would of considered embarking something with her if it were not for the fact that she had kids, confused.com, he said he thought I was personally attacking him with my emails and said he didn't think things would work out and that he would sleep on it or we could just remain friends. Admittedly after this I sent him some really nasty texts lashing out,no excuse,regardless of me feeling hurt, and since then although I have sincerely apologized for my emotional outbursts,he has completely ignored me apart from the fact he saw me the other day when he was pulling out onto the road on his motorbike and he looked at me and then rode pass and then I caught him looking over at my window for a while as he lives opposite me but he couldn't see me, so much for keeping it short and sweet and apologies for long post, but does this have anything to do with avoidance with some ADHD sufferers and that the closer they get to someone they retreat because it risks to many unpredictables that a relationship brings with it,I did generally get the feeling that he did care but this could also be hyper-focus, he did say he was generally quite happy with the ways things are and that he was happy to be by himself, but I honestly don't believe him because when I nearly finished with him before he had tears in his eyes, truth is I feel gutted guys. 

Better hold back

I see so many red flags in this guy that my only advice would be to run like crazy. The fact that he moved so quickly into calling it a relationship without knowing you very well is a real big one. If he mentioned violence and drinking and being messed up, this early, and then tells you he is "letting you in", you can be sure you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Please believe what he tells you at this point and don't gloss it over!

I would suggest you read about the warning signs for abusive personality. (Here's one: www.stopfamilyviolence.org/help/signs-of-an-abusive-personality).  Whatever you do, resist the temptation to blame yourself and overlook what your gut may be telling you about this guys actions. Remember: It's not what a person says -- its a person's ACTIONS that tell the truth.

Good luck.

Advice on ADHD traits in a relationship.

Hi Linnie,

Thanks for your comments, however I think I need to clear up a few things, he didn't say he was messed up, what he meant was that he messed up in a particular relationship when he was an alcoholic which incidently he has not touched for nearly seven years now and he use to kick off whilst being drunk. He said he had been hurt and had issues with trust but I felt it was inappropiate to pry as it was still early days. He was never abusive towards and he mainly showed me kindness throughout, as mentioned previously it was one particular incident whereby he was peed off about something I had done unintentionally and unfortunately failed to communicate that with me at the time,hence things spiralling down hill from there onwards and it was me that ended up being emotionally abusive towards him instead and I said some pretty cruel and nasty things that I am deeply ashamed off as a result of my confusion, frustration and anger but that is no excuse and not once did he angrily respond back in the same manner..