I wasn't sure where to turn for advice, or at least the specific advice I seem to need, and since searching "husband with ADD has illogical arguments" on google seems to bring up weird results, I decided to post here.
I've known my husband for a little over four years, married almost 2, and we have an 11 month old child together. Let me say that compared to day 1 with my husband, today he has made leaps and bounds with his life and is actually acting semi independently unlike when we met. Long story short he has ADD and it wasn't diagnosed until late high school, combine that with parents that did absolutely (and I mean everything and anything) everything for him, and I soon found out after marriage that my husband was very dependent. At first I didn't mind doing all the normal things like cooking, cleaning, organizing, deciding, etc, but I quickly became aware that sometimes I need a shoulder to lean on and it wasn't really (and still isn't) there for me. I am getting resentful of the fact that I have to do it all, be it all, and decide it all. I am a natural leader in that I will take charge of things normally, but sometimes I wish there was more of a team in our marriage.
My husband does a lot of things well, like loving me and our child. He is compassionate to us, and tries hard to support most of our family financial needs. He is a good person and his upbringing has made him naive in some ways, but it's a good thing and I actually enjoy that quality about him. He doesn't ignore me, but does "tune out". He definitely grumbles about doing almost anything I need him to do such as chores, etc, but he does them while dragging his feet and talking like a defiant teenager. He needs a lot of direction which I get, because of ADD. His common sense is not the best either so I end up doing a lot of tasks myself. Lately it just seems like I'm running myself ragged.
I got fired over a year ago when "performance issues" came to a head apparently after having no problems ever in a job for 6 years, but did come up after announcing my pregnancy. That is a different support group all together. My point is that I was able to stay at home for a bit with our child while searching for new employment. I was receiving unemployment benefits during that time but I was killing myself to find another job. My husband who is very successful in his job and works hard for us liked to remind me if we argued that I "stayed home all day", and that he shouldn't have to participate in chores and other household situations because he worked all day and I didn't. As any stay at home mother can tell you, raising a child all day is not a piece of cake. Remember-I have always done everything around the house including taking care of the baby. I'm not sure if it is his upbringing or his ADD or a combination but the man never once has helped me late at night when the baby woke, has never tried learning her requirements at each month as far as food, development is concerned, and basically only helps with changing a diaper once in a while. He does his part of reading to her and helping with things when asked, but complains if I ask god forbid to give her a bath like he is a teenager rebelling against his parents.
I find that when we argue about this stuff he becomes illogical and I'm wondering if that is a symptom or caused by his ADD? Like if he gets angry, does it literally create a situation in his brain (I'm being serious), that makes him not think logical? He will go off on tangents that when we are not angry at each other and talk about, he says he just says that when he is mad and he knows I work hard, etc. So I don't know what side of him to believe? Does he really think the things he says, or should I believe the guy that talks to me when we're both calm?
He'll start saying insane things like if we are arguing over why he doesn't get up with the baby at night ever, it's because he needs his sleep and I "forgot what it was to work'. He blames himself having to work so hard because I came into the marriage with student loans and he "hates them" (which I'm actually paying myself so the argument is futile), and then he'll move onto my family-(who help immensely with baby sitting but not a ton because I'm home most of the time), that they didn't help me enough financially therefore I have the loans (I have 4 siblings and obviously that is a lot of college money for any family to have). He'll then say crazy stuff like he asked all these people if they think I'm the one being selfish if I asked him to wake with the baby knowing he works in the morning, and they all thought I was a jerk. (Who these people are I don't know.) I believe it's his child so he should do things 50/50 no matter what time he wakes up. He'll also attack the fact that I like a clean house and say I'm a "cleanliness fanatic". He didn't really grow up with that so he doesn't get why I work so hard at it. He hates that during arguments about how he does more then me (he always likes a competition) that I tell him I clean the house by myself and take care laundry, cooking, etc, that I don't have to clean, or do those things, I choose to. (We have three animals, a baby, and two adults-trust me I need to vacuum daily!) He literally argues that I make up all the things I have to do everyday to make it seem like I work harder, and if he asked 10 families that they would say I don't have to do any of it. I try to convince him that normal people vacuum and dust, and sometimes even do dishes. I literally think he believes I make stuff up and he does not understand or can't understand what normal families do. This paragraph can get much bigger but I'll spare you.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I get a part time job (FINALLY), and still do all the above mentioned things, and now we have an argument tonight after our teething baby wakes up over who has to get her AGAIN. Reminding you here that he has NEVER gotten her during the night since birth. He now says, I don't work "as much", and he gets up "an hour earlier"...so I apparently have an hour extra sleep to play with and be the baby lady all night. It's like you were complaining that I didn't work before, now I do, and you still think you shouldn't have to do anything??? Granted, I work 15 hours a week now which doesn't seem like much- but I work with Special Education children in middle school who are quite a handful. I do enjoy the work but believe me 3 hours a day, everyday, is tiring when you combine it with all that I do.
Bottom line I am sick of being "IT" all the time and having to plead practically with him to participate in real family life! I don't want to argue anymore about why he shouldn't have to participate, or that other families do exactly what I do, or why he thinks he works harder then me and can get out of everything. I certainly am sick of hearing all the illogical reasons he has as to why I should shoulder all the burden of everyday life.
Silver lining-he did see a physician after I begged him for a year, who referred him to a neurologist to get help with ADD. He has never had consistent treatment since he never thought he had a problem until he read up on ADD and it's effects. I'm hoping they can do something for him. He does not respond well to stimulate drugs and stopped taking them a few years ago, and wants to try a newer non-stimulate drug on the market to see if it helps him become more involved-without the unwanted side effects.
PHEW. Thanks for reading, I truly appreciate it.