It has been a very long time since I have posted. I keep making progress, but honestly, it is not nearly enough yet. My ADHD is quite severe. To give you the background, I have been gluten free for 5 years, take all the vitamins recommended for my ADHD, I exercise regularly, eat cleanly (no refined sugar, but plenty of veggies and protein), have figured out how to sleep better, have been meditating daily for 2.5 months, am quite organized at work. I take meds 3 times a day. I use Google Calendar. What I have accomplished above is a damn miracle. I know it. However, I am still struggling at home, and especially in my marriage, and I really need some sage advice.
My husband truly believes that if I cared about him, I could magically pull my shit together at home. Why wouldn't he? I will be running marathon number 2 soon, and I somehow am able to focus on this. I can do almost anything that interests me as interest produces dopamine. Like any person with ADHD, I find domestic responsibilities to be particularly challenging as they are endless, boring (this is an embarrassing truth as an ADHD woman), my schedule is packed with kid sports, and I still can't priotize at home. Unfolded laundry gives me anxiety, and I get overwhelmed and want to walk away. Substitute any boring task and I feel the same way, same reaction. My desk is immaculate at work and a hot mess at home. My husband feels like he has to manage me, constantly asking if I think other husbands do what he does. He reminds me, nags me, gets mad, we have one-sided discussions where he lectures me. The kids are affected by our fighting, too, and it makes all of us sad. We all love each other, but this is not good for anyone. I fear for the example we are setting. A housekeeper is out of the question. My husband helps, and I delegate to my kids when possible. My questions:
1.How can I make tasks more interesting so I actually follow through?
2. How do I prioritize tasks at home?
3. How do I avoid distractions?
4. How can I make my husband feel heard?
5. How can I avoid making the same mistakes on loop?
If it were that easy, I would have solved this years ago. I really want to change, and I have a solid track record of being able to tackle difficult things. I just have not see much success at home. My kids know they are loved, and I am a good Mom, but need to bring harmony and order to our home.
Thank you so much for your kind help, everyone! I really, really need it.
I am not ADHD, but household
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I am not ADHD, but household tasks are boring and they never end, which is really sad. There's never a real sense of accomplishment and finality, because you have to keep doing it over and over again.
Congratulations on your success so far.
I have to treat household tasks like my job, and any time leftover is my free time. I'm on the other side of the fence, so to speak. When I realized that I wasn't going to get consistent help from my ADHD husband, I had to change my mindset and decide that I was doing the work for my benefit and the benefit of the family so that we would have a neat and orderly house. You mention that you are super organized at work. Maybe you could apply that same skillset at home.
The tasks aren't interesting, period. I do several things. First, I actively researched cleaning methods. There is a good book out there by Don Aslett named Speed Cleaning Your Home. Very good. Buy the right tools also. Second, many here have mentioned clutter. Much household chaos is due to too much stuff. Simplify. Don't bring anything into your house without getting rid of something else. There are so many good books out there, but I found the KonMarie method, it's called the art of tidying or something like that. It is a small book - not a lot of words!
I houseclean and do circuit training exercises.I always have a good soundtrack on. If I'm doing something stationary and mindless like folding laundry, I bingewatch something. I listen to books on tape or Ted talks - anything to keep my mind from scrubbing and mopping. A lot of chaos is because of too much stuff and that it's not put away. Your family must be trained to always put things away. Hang up a coat, for example, don't throw it on a chair.
When the kids were younger, I found it was less an issue of prioritizing than of setting rituals for the usual stressors. In my life those things were laundry, the am routine, the evening routine and dinner. Figure out systems for those things. I was always a big proponent of menu planning. It removed daily stress and unnecessary trips to the store. Whatever works for your situation. If laundry really stresses you out, there is no reason your husband and your children (age dependent) can't do their own. Get them all separate colored hangers and baskets for their things. I did so many little cheesy things when the kids were small. For example, I only bought one kind of white socks with a separate color logo for each child. I used to, and still do, challenge myself to get faster. I can tell you exactly how many minutes it takes me to clean a bathroom, IF it's free from clutter. It's such a small amount of time that I no longer stress about it. I used to put socks on the kids' hands and ask them to wipe down baseboards. Whatever it takes!
Get an old fashioned timer. If everyone takes 15 minutes each evening to straighten clutter, it will be easier for you. That's a total of one hour of de-cluttering if there are four family members - per day. That's a lot.
Just like you did with your other successes, you may find that starting small and building on good habits will work in the long run.
I think women are inclined to define themselves by their homes rather than treat it like a job that needs to be done.
I have no thoughts on your other questions.
Thank you!
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
These are great tips! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond so thoroughly! Going to have to read and re-read them! And I totally get that chores are boring for most people. It is just harder for me to push through the boredom. Lol.
Congratulations on all of your achievements!!
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I don’t really have any specific answers to your questions, but I can tell you some steps that I’ve taken to make my household less chaotic.
I was forced to make some blanket rules in an effort to avoid unnecessary messes and cut down on the need for constant cleaning.
1) We don’t wear our shoes in the house. We take them off and leave them at the door. You’d be surprised how much this cuts done on dirt, grass, and grime being tracked into the house.
2) We only eat in the kitchen. This prevents dirty dishes, crumbs, and wrappers all over the house.
3) We all shower every night and put on clean pajamas before we go to bed. This keeps our beds cleaner and the sheets need to be washed much less often. It also helps with allergies.
4) We don’t have indoor pets. I just never felt like I could take on the extra responsibility of caring for and cleaning up after indoor pets.
Maybe this will give you ideas on how you can cut down on cleaning time in your own home.
I've often wondered how you are doing.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Well almost 3 years hasn't changed you from being my wife...and it hasn't changed your husband from being me :).....By the way, tell your husband....YES :)....to his question (do you think there are other husbands who do what I do?)....Maybe he want feel so lonely....Tell him to email me, and we can exchange #'s, we can give each other accountability and pep talks...Some one who understands exactly!
I'm so glad y'all are well, it's great to see you asking these questions.....I think VBG's reply is awesome.....Q 3....Just like in the gym, have a light weight outfit that isn't binding that you only put on when you do housework...Call them your work clothes...(sometimes a uniform reminds workers what their there for) Ask your husband and children to not speak to you unless it's an emergency for the next hour or two hours, reward yourself with a nice bath or shower and dinner out if that helps...I like fast beat music on my ear phones (pandora app.. iphone) when I'm on the arc trainer at the gym, it makes time go by, and it helps me to keep a fast pace...(I've got bug in me, I'm a dancer) You might try that doing house work...(I like the mo town station on the trainer, it creates a lot of energy)
Q4...Listen to him, (even if he is being a butt hole in your opinion) don't interrupt...Once his quiets down....Even if you have to walk away and calm yourself down, come back and respond w/ respect, kindness, and tell him you do hear him, and you do care.....If you show him Grace and try to understand his feelings...He will be a lot less likely to preach, lecture, etc....Just seeing you try new things will energize him to help and be your cheer leader...Cause he loves you:)
Q5...Beware of your current processes....If it feels familiar; question it?....I call my wife's habits...Living in half circles....Practice living in full circles...example...Always allow enough time when it comes to meal prep, getting ready to go to work, laundry etc...To complete the circle...Learn to be as uncomfortable leaving a mess as you are when wanting food, or to wash the dirt and sweat off your body...My wife and I do separate laundry...I take mine from the dryer to my bed, and fold it or hang it...It takes 10 minutes....Of course she does not...But, she could if she would make it a simple habit....Hope some of this is helpful, It was great to hear from you.....
C
LOL
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Yes, I actually DO have specific clothes I wear only for cleaning. When I wear them I AM CLEANING. I am not doing anything else. My cleaning clothes are not used for any other purpose. They are not beautiful but also not uber ugly.I specifically wear pretty colored t shirts, My favorite colors. I have cool and attractive gloves and I make it a point to find a sassy broom. My broom has a cheetah print. I buy janitorial quality supplies. I schedule a minimum of 2 hours although it takes me four hours to clean the home well, and that's only if there is no clutter. If I only have two hours, then I do as much as I can in that time. If I have more time, I do more. I finish the day with a nice bath and an at home spa treatment.... maybe a glass of wine, depending on the time of day which, LOL, is pretty flexible for me!!!
I schedule the chores. That might sound restrictive but it really frees my mind and has been key for me. If I see a mess or something that needs to be done, I don't get distracted because I KNOW that I have scheduled it in for Tuesday or whatever, and I don't drop what I'm doing to take care of it RIGHT NOW.
A long time ago I read something - I think it was called sidetracked home executives - SHE - it was about scheduling chores. I haven't referenced the actual book in years, but the principles are very solid.
Finally, I had an epiphany two years ago. A dear friend of mine said, "If it isn't going right, go left." Try something new. Change your routine. Do the opposite of what you've been doing for a week or a month. It's a great experience. Something as simple as taking a new route to work changes things up and leaves you open to new possibilities.