Advice on not getting hurt when my boyfriend shuts down

Hi..I am new here.

I have a great deal of experience with adhd. Most of my family has it (mother, brother, aunt, cousins, grandmother), and my daughter also has it. I have, however, never been in a relationship with someone who has it.

I have known my boyfriend since childhood (we're both 33). Allthough our romantic an intimate relationship is new. There has also been a significant amount of years with no contact (both have had long-term relationships, we have kids etc).

I love him, with no if's or but's. He is the most amazing man I know. He is just...everything. And most of his adhd issues, I handle he does. He is not oblivious to how his behaviour may affect others. What I struggle with, is when he shuts down. He has these periods where he is angry all the time, and his way of handling it, is shutting the world out..that also includes me. The thing is, we don't live when he does this, I feel so insanely alone. And it triggers my issues with fear of abandonment. It also triggers previous experiences from an abusive relationship, so I just feel scared..the result being, when we talk..I crawl, and please, and stroke, which annoys him.

I know this has nothing to do with me. I know this is his way of coping. I know how his mind races. I know he is jusst trying to do his best.

How do I talk to him about this, without him feeling attacked? How can I deal with this, so I don’t feel so hurt and alone when he does this? How do I support and help him through it, when he so clearly does not want me to address the issue?

And no, he is not on any medications.