I am new to the forum. My boyfriend has ADHD. He has been diagnosed and I have known this since the beginning of our relationship.
We moved in together shortly after having a one-year long distance relationship. I knew he had the tendency of going off in tangents when speaking, but I dealt with this easily because the majority of our initial relationship was over telephone communication.
Little did I know what other traits come along with ADHD. I have noticed that he drinks a lot, has a temper, is verbally abusive, and tends to have a skewed perception. We have only lived together for about 2 months, but I have noticed a lot for the time we have lived together. At first I thought he was becoming an alcoholic. He showed signs of alcohol withdrawal by always being irritable, stressed out, and not being able to calm down/relax until after having a few drinks.
We fight over stupid little things. He had me convinced that it was me causing the fights because I became a moody bi*** whenever I had my period. I accepted his observation and strived to identify and control my mood swings. I have continued to work on this and realized that he was right. So when I get irritated, I isolate myself to the other room and watch TV to prevent arguments.
Most fights are caused by something that triggers his anger. It can be something very simple like asking him a question. He perceives my actions and words to be "rude" and then gets defensive. Then when I take time to explain or defend myself, he sees things entirely different from reality. One time I was cutting vegetables while cooking dinner and nicely asked him to please not talk to me when I am cutting the vegetables so I don't cut my fingers. (this is because I get easily distracted) He instantly gave me crazy eyes and gave me attitude. We argued shortly after and he said that when I said that it was like I was saying "Fu** you" to him and that I needed to be nicer to him.
After realizing that he had a bit of a temper, I started to be extra careful around him. It seems like anything could tick him off and once he gets mad, it takes a lot for him to calm down. I have several encounters where he twisted my actions and things I say into something completely opposite. It blows my mind on how skewed he sees and hears things that I do and say. He then gets defensive and makes a fight out of it. Every time we fight, he always tries to push me away by yelling at me, threatening to break up, and talking over me. He has become so emotionally and verbally abusive. It is hard for me to describe our situation completely in words, so bare with me.
Just the other day he got really angry and yelled at me for accusing him of being verbally abusive. He had a troubled adolescence which causes him to not care when I cry. I always cry when we fight because that is how I naturally show how I am upset. Every time I do cry, it doesn't phase him. He gets stone cold and will continue to attack me with accusations. The reason for this is because his mother supposedly did this to him and was very manipulative to him. So he says he doesn't care if I cry.
I would say our relationship is on the rocks right now. Last night we had a huge fight but we made up and agreed that we would seek couples therapy. But although we have agreed to this, I am not sure if it will happen anytime soon. This frightens me so much because we aren't even married! We just began to date and we already have problems with communication. Everything else seems to go just fine. My boyfriend has been to therapy, and says that I am the person who needs to see a therapist because apparently I am the crazy rude one and that I need to learn "how to communicate like an adult."
Everyday I think of the future of our relationship. I once thought we will get married, but now I don't feel this way. He continues to push me away and I keep finding reasons to stay. I really wish we can learn to cope with this issue, but for now we are still having trouble. After our last fight I apologized to him and wanted to make up, but that didn't resolve anything. He continued to be angry and then got even angrier when I wanted to talk about it. He gets in my face and curses at me and says that he is unhappy and that he wants to find someone else who isn't so rude to him. It has now gotten to a point where I yell back and defend myself even more because I am tired of crying and being treated the way that I am. I know it doesn't help, but I will not put up with this. For now, I would love some feedback or comments on this.