Afraid?

There is some fear in leaving my ADHD husband.  He seems to live in the present with no regrets, no worries for the future, he lies to cover up things or to keep me uninformed of his activities/non-activity, and he has a distorted vision of what he does and what he says.  Things don't make sense.  Sometimes even within one sentence he contradicts himself and sees no wrong in what he says.  Now I realize I have been manipulated from the very beginning but I always WANTED to believe him and believe in him.  He on the other hand is not as invested in relating or taking responsibility for any failure.  I can't put words to my fear.  He sabotages me all the time like a game. He has all sorts of old un-paid bills for his business. He did not pay the telephone bill for his business for so long they stopped service and he lied about that and now says it is no big deal - he will make a deal with thek telephone bill collector.   Am I supposed to go over his business accounting for him so that I do not find myself bankrupt?   I am not afraid of living on my own or doing the work but I AM afraid of the LEAVING.  Is there a reason anyone might guess why after 35 years of putting up with disappointment and betrayal, I am afraid to leave?  There seems to be some psychological hold he has on me. When I think of leaving, I get sick to my stomach.  When I think of staying I get sick to my stomach.  What is going on?  I want this to be over so bad.  I need help to leave.

Afraid?and leaving

I have been married to DH for over a year now ,And I am trapped beyond my own thinking "to leave him"if I decided today or tomorrow to leave, I can't do it,but want to, and still I can't,he give's me "mix emotions"and feelings all the time,today he's Mr.wonderful,tomorrow He's Mr.hateful,being held up against my own will is very self -struggling and mind interrupting,I have been disappointed and betrayed also, you are not the only one, And I know how you feel,it's very stressful and painful, also it causes mental and physical exhaustion.I love him and I really don't want to leave him,but being afraid is not the reason why I won't leave him, it's being alone is what makes me more"afraid" than ever,I am not alone having my kids/mother around, but, the desire in me to have a mate,companion,they can't fulfill that,so I am stuck for now in my own chamber's of defining my fear and fright "to leave"but, if I had to really do it b/c of major reasons I would,without a doubt.That's of course for example:physical abuse,cheating,non-stop abuse,affair's, things like that,and so far,it has been very bad,but,not major.

Have you seen a counselor? It

Have you seen a counselor? It might help. When I was contemplating leaving my hubby, I chose to go to a counselor to work on me first. I wanted to see what strength I had because like you--I was sick at the idea of leaving, yet sick at the idea of staying. I went to several sessions before I finally got to the point where I couldn't go any further in my personal journey until I confronted my current circumstances. I told hubby I was leaving and magically he was demanding that we both see the counselor and I couldn't leave until we tried. So we started seeing the counselor and yes, there have been bad days, but there have been visible improvements. I have a hard time not letting the bad days get me down to the point that I don't see the progress. But I'm hanging in there.

I know a lot of women on here say that their husbands would never go to counseling. If that's the case, then you worry about yourself and get help. Thirty five years is a long time and despite the disappointments and betrayals, it's still hard to let someone go. Hang in there.