I am a 28yo woman and finally have comes to terms I may have ADHD. But I am so afraid of going to the doctor for fear I will be called an idiot like I have been called my entire life.
My husband made an appointment for me this week knowing I wanted one but was afraid to. I'm hoping if I blurt of everything here first that perhaps someone living this way can tell me if I am just crazy, or realistically may have this condition. I guess so I can calm down a bit for the appointment if that makes any sense at all? lol
For the last few months my husband and I have been writing down (well, when I see the paper and remember to) my 'quirks' so that when I see the doctor I wont get flustered and forget it all like normal!
Here we go..
- I am always off 'in space'. I cant stop myself from getting distracted and thinking a million thoughts when I am meant to be doing something. I daydream in so much detail its like I could write a book! Not good socially or at school/work...
- I lose focus and train of thought. More then feeling distracted. I will be at a funeral and cant stop looking around and feeling restless and bored. I feel so ashamed admitting this I'm so sorry!!
- I have zero friends. Literally zero. I am the kind of person who loves people, I am super chatty and I want to be everyone's friend but I cant stop spitting out sentences that make no sense or say things without thinking or drifting off 'into space' in the middle of a conversation. I mix words up constantly or get ever personal without thinking first. It makes me look rude and I swear I don't mean it!! It just happens. I hate myself for doing it. But I don't know how to stop. I was told all the way growing up I was rude, that I would make faces/too facially expressive (no idea I was going it) that I would exaggerate as a child/teen something terrible. I wouldn't mean to, it would just..happen and I would then be too afraid to correct it. Then I was called a liar. Argh.. I don't get along with women, actually its the other way around. I get along great with men, but I don't understand most women and feel entirely different from them. I have a huge inability to tolerate gossip and bull*. It drives me completely crazy and I cannot live with anyone in my life like that. I need simplicity and order from people I need to know where I stand 100% of the time. I cannot stand not knowing things. I feel almost paranoid about it.
-I cannot stand to be touched. This greatly effects my marriage. I wasn't like this in the beginning, at all. Polar opposite!
-I forget SO much. I lose my coffee 500 times a day around the house. I will have a drink in front of me and forget its there and go and make another one. I forget appointments. I'm always late. I (im so ashamed) forgot my grandmother was having a get together for my daughters birthday and didn't show up. I swear it wasn't until the next week but I was wrong apparently. She wouldn't talk to me for a month no matter how much I pleaded and apologized! I feel so stupid and hate myself over that. How could I forget THAT??
-I struggled all through school and dropped out. I am actually not unintelligent, I am advanced in some areas but because I couldn't concentrate on the reading or the teacher talking I couldn't do the work and I NEVER did the homework because I couldn't remember anything from class. I failed everything except cookery classes and literature but that was because I was an advanced student and the teacher allowed me to read more complex books and allowed me to creatively work. I AM a terrible speller though. I have to proof read even simple SMS because I tend to type so fast I misspell everything or type the word twice or I just don't make sense. I was placed in an 'alternate pathways' class because they predicted I would drop out. The class was for those with dyslexia etc.
- Time flies for me, I swear I will just look at something for 2 minutes and next thing its been an hour. Or two. My husband hates taking me shopping for this reason. I go in for one thing and im our 45 minutes later with a trolley load of things we didn't need.
-I get really easily irritated. Over anything really. I cant stand 'noises' like tapping, weird noises, house noises or crowds or the ticking of watches...I HATE analog clocks!!! I want to smash them lol I get so angry and irritated over the stupidest things looking back. I am so contradictory. I hate people not talking I hate movies because I get bored and restless and then have to talk or leave. I hate it when people talk too long or when I want to say something I hate phone calls. I feel awful again. I hate it when someone in the family calls to say hello and I have nothing to say and they have nothing to say so they start talking about 'whatever' and I want to hang up on them. I hate SMELLS. Banana is my worst enemy. I gag and have to leave or I WILL throw up. Had with banana loving kids. I leave the room so they can eat them :) I hate clutter. I hate anything disorganized. I get antsy. I am very sensitive to heat and cold!! I get extremely itchy when I'm feeling irritated or stressed out. I am very sensitive to light, it dazes me. I don't know, just SO much irritates me. Too much to list.
-I am quick to anger. I get irritated and then I start snapping. Not at strangers, at loved ones and this makes me feel ill. I snap and fight and pick. Without thinking, its instantaneous and causes so much pain in my marriage ad with my parents.
- I always have rapid thoughts ir music on repeat in my head. I don't know how to 'not' think.
- I have massive issues with insomnia. I had testing done and nothing is technically wrong other then over thinking. I was given a cd of calming music I threw out because I couldnt stand it after a minute. I sleep with the washing machine on at night so its white noise and eventually drowns out my thoughts so I can sleep.
- I'm always tired because of the above.
- I live my life always looking ahead and trying to predict things.
- I suffer from anxiety and bouts of depression. I get chronically anxious anytime I am exposed to anything stressful. An exam or work. I cannot work because of the anxiety. When it gets too much I faint from anxiety attacks.
- I have dermatillomania which makes like difficult and hard to face in public but I have improved some what with therapy. Make up is my life saver. I pick when I become overwhelmed. Disastrous.
- I suffer headaches and migraines
-I feel edgy all day long
-I fidget all day long
- I am either over active, go go go or I am a sloth and struggle to do anything at all then have to suddenly rush and then get anxiety attacks.
- I hate driving because I lose focus easily and scare myself. I can drive somewhere and no know how I got there. I have kids so I refuse to drive out of town and my husband does 90%. I get too anxious. Especially city, the thought makes me anxious. I hate crowds and I get confused with all the cars and fearful I'll make a costly mistake or will miss something.
- I get obsessive when I get excited about things. I get an idea and I get fixated and spend hours and hours a day researching it or doing it. But the second it gets hard or I get bored I give up. Its not because I don't want to, its because I just cant manage it anymore. I feel so stupid when this happens.
- I cannot complete anything. I have started many courses to better myself, my confidence and employment prospects and really give my 100% when I start. I daydream and obsess over what I can achieve but then again, I cannot focus and concentrate I don't take the information in and I leave half way because I'm failing. The same applies to business ventures I start, I have the best of intentions when I stat and all I want is to help my family but I ruin us with my bad financial commitments to start and stop these things!! I am talking $20,000+ now. Its so frustrating because I know I'm capable!!!! I KNOW I could do it if I could just 'get it'. Its hard to explain. Hopefully you know what I mean.
- I LOVE organization and dream of the perfect home but I am so messy!! I just cant keep anything in order myself no matter how many times I start.
-I am a chronic list maker. I have lists for everything and re do them constantly when they get cluttered with crosses and more items.
- I am extremely emotional. I do take things to heart. I think a lot of it is from loneliness and feeling so stupid and incapable to do anything at all.
Obviously I expanded on my list and wrote explanations to hopefully make sense of what I am feeling and experiencing but these are things I have had my entire life.
The problem is I was diagnosed at 16 with anxiety and depression after I overdosed on painkillers. I was a trauma victim so all the help I received has been targeted towards recovering from that and onwards. I am afraid the doctor will not acknowledge my past and a teen and a child because of this and also because I was adopted. When my parents did reach out for help for me as a child the doctors always said it was just effects of adoption and was seeking attention, but I have never had an issue with my adoption!!! I am afraid I will be simply called an over reactor and an idiot.
But I cant live like this any longer. I feel like I an slowly suffocating and wasting away in life. I am tired of being useless and I am tired of being lonely. Nothing I do seems to help.
I want to be a great mother and wife but I fail abysmally.
I have been diagnosed in the past as having GAD, social anxiety, depression, mood disorders, multiple personality disorders and bipolar. I do not believe I have bipolar or multiple personality disorder for one minute though and refused to see that doctor again. I don't feel like my personality changes. I don't know how to be content though, normal people mystify me. Its so frustrating to try and explain lol
I am so sorry this is no long and probably doesn't make much sense. But I just wanted to hear from those with ADHD if this sounds like you or if I will more likely be diagnosed as bipolar or something else altogether. I am so scared of what will happen but I know I need help. I'm not functioning anymore and my poor children are paying the price. I want to be the mother they deserve.