After 30 years living with ADHD partner, now need to help ADHD daughter with her problems

After living with my husband for 32 years, and suffering , grief, loss, being constantly lonely, raising 3 children almost single handedly and working to make ends meet, while he squandered our money, spent most of his spare time out enjoying his latest hobby (hyperfocus) completely oblivious to how much I was hurting, I  finally found out that he has ADHD -   He is still in denial, but at least has attended 1 appointment with a Psychiatrist after I threatened to leave 2 months ago.

I have been reading books, research articles and of course stumbled upon this site, which has been a godsend for me and my sanity, because I have been making excuses for him to my family for our entire life together.  Often taking the blame for  his indiscretions.

My daughter was diagnosed about 18 years ago with ADHD, when she was aged 9, however at that time they told me nothing and no recommendations.  Due to my daughter being quiet and not having any behaviours associated, was more the inattentive type, but very disorganised, untidy, never finished anything and really slipped under the radar back then.

However now at 26 , she has gone through, severe money problems, prioritises self and her needs always at expense of others close to her, unable to take responsibility for anything that she does will always blame others for her mistakes, very defensive always and takes every comment personally, alcohol issues, untidy to the point of being unhygienic in many ways,  several broken and unhealthy relationships, a marriage that was abusive and only lasted 1 year (thanks goodness),during her time with her husband (2.5 yrs) she rarely saw any of the family,  and she has now jumped straight back into another relationship only 5 months after leaving her husband.

After finding out about my husband only recently, I tried to have a discussion with her about it, and that she had been diagnosed as a child, but we had never done anything about it and I didnt really want to give her a 'label' at that age and make her feel she was different, so I suppose I just managed it by myself, really not knowing what I was dealing with.  I must admit I feel really guilty now, for not trying to find out more back then, but I was just fobbed off by the Doctors.

She said she could see why her father (my husband) had ADHD she could see it, she even said, he's never been good with time, money, coming to family things, staying out late every night of the week, severe memory problems, learning problems, never finished anything he started, hoarder, over -the-top when it came to his hobbies - she agreed with all of them, but when I started to say something about her, she said she was nothing like that and couldnt see any similarities with her life or problems.  (it's quite funny, because when I had discussion with my husband about daughter, he said "I dont know why she is like that - I cant believe she does those things"  but cannot see it in himself) Oh Humm Sigh!!! Am I only one has this problem.

I tried to explain to my daughter that everyone with ADHD was very unique in the way that it presented , and that I was not comparing her to her father, just to perhaps learn a bit more about it, so she can maybe not repeat some of the mistakes/choices that she has made in the past.  If she became more aware of her ADHD and the reason that some people get upset with her and do not understand why she is the way she is.  She is currently living with  my youngest daughter who is struggling living with her, and is at the point of telling her to get out.  I feel for both of them. The youngest is doing everything and feeling the stress.

I am still struggling with my own relationship after 32 years of marriage, so there is still hurt and bitterness to get through, but I dont want to be alone at this late stage in my life,  and we are trying to work through our problems, but I am tired  and now I'm trying to help my daughters through it, one who is trying to live with her sister who has ADHD the other is one with ADHD and in denial.  

Everything was going fine when they first moved in together, but now older sister has found new boyfriend and that is her total focus now, and is leaving behind all her responsibilities that she previously agreed to when she moved in with younger sister.  I can see things are starting to come to a head, but feel really helpless.

No amount of explanations to either daughter is helping, one is angry, hurt and now resentful the other is in complete denial and happily going on her way with her current focus thinking that younger sister is just unreasonable and she is not going to change for anyone she is not doing anything wrong in her mind.

Ive tried explaining to youngest about ADHD , but she is at the point of I dont care what she has, what she is doing is unreasonable, and the problem is that everyone who see's what my  ADHD daughter is doing - can only see the same thing, whats wrong with that sister/daughter of yours.

I really want to help both understand, and work with each other, but my daughters have had to live with their ADHD sister for many years and I think, they are now sick and tired of excuses being made for her and their patience has been depleted -  As I only know too well, living with  it for 32 years. (not knowing what I was living with before now).

I know communication is the key, but at the moment its all a one way street -  I want to keep neutral - but its hard when Im still struggling with my own relationship with same problems.

ADHD is a vicious vicious problem, that seems to raise its ugly head over and over again, I only wish that I was the only one in the family who had to cope with an ADHD partner, I wouldnt wish living or having it  on anyone else in my family, but unfortunately it is hereditary so the cycle will continue through the generations.

Any help/suggestions appreciated.