Hello to all of you, it's truly helping to be talking to people who actually understand the struggle.
It is basically impossible to tell about my relationship with undiagnosed ex partner without mentioning the ADHD and at the same time it feels weird to be bringing it up so often in conversations.
I have been trying to heal from the break up and trying to understand my emotions. Naturally people were asking why it didn't work out. Some were surprised some told me I was often unhappy anyway while in the relationship, and that I should be happy I am not with him anymore, and that I will find someone else.
The true is - he left me after 4 years, but he left me after me being for too long frustrated, bitter and allergic to so many things he was doing.
I was trying all the possible ways to have a good relationship because I loved him. From expecting, hoping explaining, crying, ignoring, to shouting, crying again, focusing on myself, being passive and agressive etc, I tried all of it. Everything with the intention - this time he needs to get it - he needs to understand this time what I need and why I am so unhappy.
Ok now to my question: how do you cope with the offending behaviour, the hurting behaviour he/she does just because is ignorant. May have a good intentions but just it's not clicking, is focused on something or someone else, just distracted u know. How do you process that hurt. For example your are a a couple with friends in the pub. He spends most of the time talking to new girls that were there too. It's time to go he doesn't even realises I am already outside with other friends, he keeps chatting to another girl - it's more even like flirting because he is of course so interested in her at that moment. It is basically that my friends are confused whether we are couple or not, if he keeps talking to other girl and not paying attention to me at all. So how do you cope with this? Let's say he had a good intentions but how do you cope with that incredible pain caused by hurting your pride in front of your friends.
Or how do you cope with him talking to his female colleague the whole time and not giving u enough respect to acknowledge you there enough.
What does help to heal from these situations?
It's one thing to understand the topic of ADHD and understand the dynamic but it's damn whole another level to find some peace in this.
I get it....
Submitted by GD on
I'm 69 years old and it wasn't until my wife handed me the book, 'The ADHD Effect on Marriage ' that I realized, 'Oh damn, its me!'. It's easy to go through life thinking that it's others with the problem when that's all you know. But what is needed is a self realization not just once but EVERY day. I still struggle with that. And the more tired I am, the more my ADHD is exacerbated and the less rational, even keeled thinking.
The hyperfocus that comes with ADHD can be an asset or a curse. Sitting in a pub and talking to someone other than you will definitely make you feel left out. He probably doesn't intend to make you feel that way but, the results are still the same.
For someone with ADHD, it takes a mindful, consciousness to be attentive, it doesn't always just come automatically. Believe me, I know!
Once our partner is diagnosed with ADHD then the real work begins, every single day. And it's easy to lapse into old habits.
We didn't ask for this and, early intervention didn't exist when I was younger so now every day requires hard work and, after being married over 44 years that is the LEAST I can do for my ever patient wife.