After Hyper-Focus… New and seeking advice.

I have read through these posts looking for insight and hope. Perhaps some of the articulate and compassionate people here might be able to help me.

How to distill this into something less than a novel? I am a non-ADD man in love with an ADD woman in her early 20’s. She was diagnosed some time ago and has had treatment, though currently is taking no medication.

The relationship is a long-distance one. We met in her country and immediately fell in love. I mean at first sight. The period of ‘hyper focus’ lasted 8 months and was classic. We were inseparable, though separated, and the few weeks we spent in each others’ company were idyllic. She is extraordinarily bright, talented, principled, loving and sensual. She is the love of my life and I hers. We share so many things. She wanted only for us to be together at last and her dearest wish was to ‘come home’ to me.

Until the actual day came: she changed her mind. She realized she was making a mistake and couldn’t face leaving her home, friends and family. And furthermore she wants and needs to go back to school (she has twice in the past started courses at university but lost interest…) We talked at length, and over several conversations agreed that a long-distance relationship while she studies is the best thing not only for her but for us – for our relationship – because for her to come ‘home’ before finishing her degree would lead to her being dissatisfied. OK – I can handle that…

I think however that all these sensible plans for the future are masking the real problem: the end of hyper focus. Now she is focusing on other things – moving out of her (very difficult) parents’ house and setting up a flat at university and working to earn money for school. It’s a lot to deal with, both physically and emotionally. I understand that.

But in the four weeks since that moment we have hardly spoken. I have several times offered to make a graceful exit but she has chastised me; she is in love with me and she still wants me in her life. I support her in everything she is doing and am happy to make sacrifices but in the meantime she has withdrawn from me almost completely – frozen me out of her life. She knows very well what she is doing and that she is hurting me dreadfully and has said so. She is sorry – but it is what it is…

I text her now and then but she ignores me. Every few days she will send a message, usually unrelated to any of mine, in which she betrays no warmth of any kind. It’s like hearing from a facebook friend or as others have described it – the ‘ghost’ of the girl I love. It’s very hard. I naturally have all the usual fears but no grounds for any of them.

So – question, I suppose mainly for any kind ADD women who might read this: how to handle her? How not to say the wrong thing and upset her? To send her a letter in her new home, flowers – is this ‘pressure’ which will be unkindly received? I am so scared of losing her – of losing this wonderful, clever, magical girl who is my everything. I would so much appreciate any response.