Anyone else's ADHD person always seem to have some ailment? My DH has had more illnesses and issues and surgeries than anyone else I know and just the daily complaints are just unreal. Headaches almost daily. His knees hurt. His eyes bother him. He has an ear ache-needs to get his ears cleaned out. Last night it was a stomach ache that made him sleep on the couch (I do not see the connection there but whatever). It really is almost comical: something is always wrong. Couple that with the drama of daily life-wow. Today was the company outing at Great America (Gurnee Illinois). Texted him to see how it was. The response? AWFUL. Okay then. I try to text once a day to see how his day is. I realize our marriage is circling the drain but I can at least do that. I would say 4 days out of 5 the response is something negative: long day, hot, boring, people are stupid. Something. The drama!
I suspect the reason for all of these ailments is a few things: when there really is an issue (out of date glasses giving him a headache), he cannot pull it together to make an appointment at the eye doctor to get a new prescription so the headaches continue, along with the complaining. Ditto the painful knees. The disorganization of ADHD means he can't remember to make the necessary appointments. Also he is overweight but spends every night and virtually all day Saturday and Sunday sitting on the couch watching TV or playing video games. Another ADHD behavior-sucked in by a screen and time just goes by. Also the idea that real life is actually pretty boring so let's stir up some drama and get some attention for myself by not feeling well. I would imagine it's some combination of all of those things but wow--it's kind of ridiculous how many ailments one grown man has in the course of a week.
It's not the frequency, but the intensity
Submitted by Dagmar on
When my husband is sick, that's where all his focus goes. He becomes dramatic and obsessive. He has to take his temperature over and over again, he moans and groans, he decides to obsess over weird symptoms.
Things have gotten a little better since about 4 years ago we both had food poisoning. I was pregnant and we had a 10-month-old baby and we were visiting relatives who live about an hour away. I took care of him and the baby and managed to keep from throwing up the whole drive home. He moaned and groaned and whined. Then we got home and I put the baby to bed, he lay down on the couch, and then I just went to the bathroom and finally did all the things you do when you have food poisoning. Then the baby woke up and my dear husband tried to act like he was too sick on the couch to take care of him. I yelled "oh hell no!" and pointed out that not only was I unable to leave the bathroom, but that I was as sick as he was and pregnant on top of it.
I was really glad to be in a situation where we both had the same thing and I had a valid reason to be worse off than he was. Now I know that he's just more dramatic about being sick than I am. I always felt really guilty before, like maybe I didn't understand how bad he felt and was being uncaring. Now I know, and he knows I know. It's better.
It's not the aches and pains of getting older....It's the drama!
Submitted by c ur self on
I found it's just better to ignore it....(The drama and complaints that is)...Many people struggle to age, they struggle to calmly deal w/ aches and pains. They struggle to not let it dominate their minds...And they struggle to not walk up to their spouse's w/ the poor pitiful me looks...
I desire to be a caring, loving, and empathetic person, and spouse....(I fail much of the time, for sure)....But there is just no good words that I can use to respond to the complaints that you are talking about....It's just better if I say nothing, (don't inquire)...and if it's a body ache complaint, offer her a massage to that part of her body...If it's a headache, offer to massage her temples & neck areas.....Then walk away after i do it....That usually helps three ways....the sympathy she was seeking, the pleasure, and the avoidance of negative emotions, if she turns defensive about any advice or suggestion I might attempt to share, which is the norm..Then I have asked for it....
Besides....It's obvious to me what that's all about much of the time....If a person who is lazy or has lazy habits (ignores the work) when it comes to the daily chores of children, spouses, houses and daily responsible living in general....Then something has to be wrong, so that they can call it debilitating.....Watch those same people when they get an opportunity for an activity, that creates a dopamine rush....They are the healthiest, most energetic people you will ever see!....This dynamic is one that is difficult for a spouse (the one who does most of the work) to swallow (shut up about)....But it's them, it's who they are!!, and no one can change it!!....To try to, is like walking across your yard, and spotting a big steaming pile of dog poop, but, thankfully you spotted it, so you can walk around it in your new open toe sandals, the one's you just love...But for some reason you just run strait up to the poop and jump right into it w/ both feet...And shit goes between your toes, your shoes are covered and so are you pant legs.....
Many burn up their lives, then come home and dump the ashes on their spouse....But I woke up to that....It's not an option for me to do it to her...And it's not an option for me to hang around and let her do it to me....
c
Amen, C
Submitted by Zapp10 on
The " second half " of our personal journey is most amazing! I am no longer surprised by what I didn't " see" sooner. I have come to embrace what I learned from it. To learn AND GROW.
Having a connection with others who also are in that journey. I am grateful to so many posters here who have offered wisdom and insight that planted a seed of not only inner reflection but outer.
My H and I are no longer struggling with making marriage work. We have shifted gears to make relationship as individuals work. If that is a success....yay. If it leads to the uniqueness required for a true marriage union....yay. But the goal is love and respect as individuals FIRST. One year of fulfilling ourselves and each other can erase 45 years of 2 egos unknowingly unintentionally not on the same page.....First....lose the ego.....second....chose the page!.....And go where it leads.
I am so ready for adventure. :)
To Learn and Grow.....You said it so well Zapp.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes, accepting what is and isn't possible in our relationships, and having peace with it all, free's us....(It allows us to grow)
c
As soon as I read the title
Submitted by rainbow on
As soon as I read the title of this post I knew where it was going. I can absolutely relate. My partner seems to always have an ailment or a problem.
Some of his issues are physical, but a lot of times his complaints involve something that's "bothering" him mentally. If he doesn't have his own thing to complain about he moves on to whining about the injustices of the world as if they are his own.
He's like the boy who cried wolf, though. MAYBE one in ten times he is having an actual crisis that someone else would find to be equally concerning. No matter how big or small though, in his mind, his issues trump whatever else is going on in our lives. I assume this is because his brain isn't good at prioritizing, and because when he gets even a little emotional he gets whamboozled, making the whole thing worse. He has a long list of justifications for why it makes sense he is as upset as he is (usually it's a "but anyone would be mad if this happened to them" type of thing, except that as others have said, it usually involves him doing or not doing some other action way beforehand that caused a chain of events to occur that eventually put him in his current situation).
I used to (especially before reading Melissa's books a few years ago) be super dismissive of him when he got in this sort of mood. I would tell him in various different ways that he was overreacting. I made many attempts to "correct" his behavior, all the way down to what he should have done to prevent it and that he should have seen it coming (I didn't realize then why he wasn't learning from his past mistakes).
It became a vicious cycle. I wasn't validating him at all. It made him even more frustrated and drove him to (attempt to) justify his point even more passionately. It was a double edged sword because if I didn't acknowledge his "problem," he felt invalidated just the same; but I wasn't going to lie to him and say, "oh! You poor, poor thing! That is just awful!!," when what he was going through was just normal, everyday life kind of crap that we all face (or worse, that he caused through some goofy action or inaction).
I am still pretty bad about telling him "how to feel" about things, but I have gotten a lot less reactive to him when he's in whine-mode. I don't do it perfectly every time but IDEALLY, I strive to 1. calmly hear him out 2. validate SOME portion of what he has to say, and 3. offer my perspective or opinion in a non-mothering/instructive way. Then finally, 4. flex my boundary muscle; I don't let him vent to me about it all day and all night long (a perfectly reasonable expectation).
This has worked pretty well to help deescalate things. It is an okay workaround, but I do wish he was better able to self-regulate.
I have a really great example of how this scenario USED to go...this was seven years ago now...
We arranged to go out with some friends to celebrate my 21st birthday (which, to me, was a very big deal that I had anticipated for a long time). As I was getting ready to go, my partner checked his bank account balance and started freaking out. He didn't have as much money as he thought he did, though I honestly can't remember the specifics of it. He wasn't upset because we were going to go out and spend money (I actually already had money for that night that I'd been gradually saving up since I was a broke college student at the time, and it was enough to pay for both of us).
Anyway, his switch flipped and he got ALL riled up over it. I felt that it was a really innapropriate time for him to be having a tantrum and did not hesitate to let him know that (see, there's that vicious cycle I was talking about). By the time it was all over I had cried off all of my makeup and was just not in the mood to go have fun. I did my makeup again and we did go...but...his BS is burned into my memory of that night forever...a night that was supposed to be fun. Didn't he want me to have fun? Didn't he want to have fun with me?
At that time I thought his behavior was selfish and really bizarre. In my mind when you're going out to party for someone's birthday, you keep your personal problems to yourself and put your "fun" face on - or you just don't go. He would not and could not put his "worries" to the side that night. It was only a minor problem anyway (he was not "broke"), AND, he should have known how much money he had and been able to handle it like a big boy. It was not a big deal AT ALL in the grand scheme of things. Looking back, I'm not even sure how he twisted it into being something that didn't just make him look like a screw-up; but we all know how creative ADDers can be when it comes to figuring out who else's fault it is. ;)
Anyway, I guess for me the birthday memory is a little like the OP's food poisoning/pregnancy story. It proved to me that his judgment about/perception of/beliefs about things may, after all, be skewed. It was a poor experience, but at least it was vindicating.
I'm getting a little off-topic now, but I have one other story to detail my partner's irritating emotional selfishness. This one happened much more recently (was in January).
My mom had a brain tumor and had to get a craniotomy. She was getting it done in a city about 1.5 hours away, there was a chance of snow, and she had to be in pre-op at 5:45am, so we decided to leave the night before and stay in a hotel to make absolutely sure there was no chance we'd be late. They expected her to have to stay in the hospital for three nights (I would of course be staying with her).
I got off work the evening we were leaving and still had to pack most of my stuff. I also had to cook something to bring to eat for breakfasts (I eat a specialized diet for health reasons).
The whole time I was getting ready (and feeling nervous and uncomfortable about the next morning), my partner kept asking when I would be done packing. He got more and more urgent with it. I finally asked him what in the world his deal was. I guess he thought we were going to have some romantic evening. He was all worried about being without me for three days. He was hoping we would have sex before I left. What?! The nerve of this guy!!
After things escalated he ended up saying some sh*tty things about my mom, too (that she hasn't taken good care of herself and probably caused the tumor). It is sort of true, and something we had already discussed several times, but not something that was ok for him to bring up then, in the context he used it in.
Bottom line is he was TOTALLY unsupportive when I needed someone. I am absolutely appalled at his behavior that night. I mean yeah, I expected him to have some feelings about the situation...but you all will agree, I'm sure...that sometimes you put aside your feelings to show support for someone else and do what makes THEM feel good, and put yourself SECOND. I know my ADHD partner grasps this concept; he just can't seem to have the self-discipline in the "heat of the moment" to actually do it.
Thanks for listening :)
The heat of the moment
Submitted by jennalemone on
This one is easy and clear to me now, although when I was young I got thrashed around with similar instances. I now know that H cannot be involved in any emergency or immediacy or overwhelm or big changes or even big ideas. I will go it alone, or call someone else in an emergency, but I need to keep H in the dark and comfort him through my or others needs. This is outrageous, I know, but too many times my or other's emergencies have turned into his irate yelling at me or the person having the emergency. H, in those times, can only put out the energy for himself to appease himself and divert himself. Now that I am reading this I a amazed that I have put up with this all these years, but there it is. I have been enabling him to be this way but he is not able to be any other way. He seems to have to yell at problems rather than find solutions or talk about them.
Going it alone. I know this
Submitted by Libby on
Going it alone. I know this all too well. What a horribly lonely way to live.
I have wised up to this over
Submitted by rainbow on
I have wised up to this over time, thank goodness.
Note that he DID NOT come with me on the trip for the surgery. I think part of the reason he got weird was that he felt he should have been going with me, but I purposefully discouraged it for the EXACT reason you said - I would be "comforting" him the whole time, not the other way around. Him being nervous and bored is a bad combo.
I really didn't expect much support from him through that event. I stupidly expected him to back off and not be needy, though. Guess next time I'll be prepared for that, too...ha, ha.
Wow to the whole lack of
Submitted by Libby on
Wow to the whole lack of support thing with an ill parent. My DH behaves almost identically with me when my mom had her anyerism. She had the anyerism in a small city and had to be flown to a larger center. We followed behind in our vehicle. By the time we got there it was past midnight. I was tired and scared. All my DH could think about was having sex. No how are you doing honey. No gentle holding. Now hugs. So support at all. I was just as devastated over that as I was my mom's illness. She was in a come for 2 weeks before she passed away. His poor behaviour continued the whole time. He also had no patience for grief afterwards. Couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.....
And it was a no to sex at the time. He was livid.
No conscience, no empathy
Submitted by adhd32 on
Many years before I realized my H had ADD we had a family crisis involving my father. My mother had died about 3 years prior. It was time to close on the house my parents owned and my father had not dealt with anything regarding her death or her possessions. He was slated to move to a retirement community but was dragging his feet packing and taking care of utilities etc and my sister and I were beyond frustrated with the whole thing. Sister's daughter has a chronic illness that kicked into high gear necessitating most of her attention. My 3 brothers and their wives were missing in action and were very happy to make excuses for their absences as they did most of the time. My children were teens at the time and were a big help in packing and getting things ready, my H just carried on about everyone else's absence and declared that I shouldn't do anything either. Very mature. H wanted me to leave a nearly blind man to prepare for a move by himself because no other siblings helped. H didn't help either, some example for your kids!
As moving day approached Sis and I took some of his things to the new place every night to get it set up. Dad seemed generally positive but became upset and incoherent as closing day approached. Finally about 3 days before closing sis-in-law calls me at work to say Dad doesn't sound good but no mention of coming down or sending bro to see what is wrong. Then a bit later I got calls at work first his friend and then a neighbor to say there was something wrong with Dad. Turns out he was having psychotic break. I managed to get him into the car and took him to the psychiatric unit at the hospital. It turns out that he had tried to drown himself in the tub. To say all this was an ordeal is an understatement, frankly it was heartbreaking to see a man in this state, never mind your own father! He was admitted to psych hospital and was there for 3+ weeks.
Closing day arrives. Sis is a paralegal and thankfully had power of attorney so she went to the closing while I called out sick again at work and found a storage unit and had the movers move his things there since the retirement community could not accept him in his mental state. Then we had to get his things back out of the apartment and to storage. After about 3 weeks the hospital gets him stabilized but cannot release him unless he has 24 hr company. I had an out of the country wedding so I told one brother he had to step in and find an assisted living place for Dad so he could be released. Since Dad respected him the most and would not fight with him at every turn, brother would have to coordinate the release and admittance etc.
Under all this stress and angst my H thought the out of country wedding was our opportunity to act like honeymooners. Really, are you kidding me? You treated me like crap, refused to get involved when I really needed help and left me hanging, punished me by not helping because my siblings should have been there and why do we have to do everything, didn't pick up any slack at home or with the kids. How can someone be so F*^&ing callous? How?? I just left my father at a mental hospital and I have no idea what the situation will be when we return and all H can think about is having sex and expecting me to be carefree??!! What the hell is wrong with him??!!
Ever since this all happened in 2005 I lost all respect for my H. This was proof and now I knew for sure that he had some mental disorder. How could someone have such a black heart to not be empathic to the plight of someone who is supposed to be the love of your life? How can you throw an anchor instead of a life raft at someone drowning and screaming for help? How is it possible to see your spouse hurting the worst pain in your married life and still think about yourself and ignore their need for comfort and support? My heart broke then because I realized that I was all alone. I realized in that moment that i was only good to my H as long as I didn't need anything from him.
Hi..32...A Quote from Dr.Ned Hollwell about severe adhd....
Submitted by c ur self on
“Their brain is like a toddler on a picnic, It goes where curiosity and enchantment lead it with no regard to authority or danger.”
This so describes what I've experienced, (much of the time), the next shiny thing!....He goes on to say, much of it is not intentional....Intentional or not, the effects are the same on a spouse...
You know, it's not that a lot of what they may be pursuing isn't OK type things...It's the inability to SEE the rest of real life in those moments...It's OK to take time for (places, people, & things) it's a part of living. So as opportunity arises we do these things in a prioritized order...It's called managing your life and time in a responsible way....
The problem I experience is they pursue things as if it was life itself...(refuses or can't see their responsibilities, they loose all sense of prioritization) until they get bored or it goes away!...This is way I can't do much of anything with my wife....She is looking for life, in thrill seeking, in family members, in trips, stuff (junk, lol)....And she completely looses touch w/ the reality of what her responsibilities in our marriage is during these times...I've tried for most of ten years to do things with her (She is fun, and I love her, but, she can't discipline her life) but, she has not stopping sense...She totally disrespects me when I say it's time to head home...So big fights ensue!...(She know's the bible, she know's her role, and what respect is, but, she don't care in those moments) And I'm done fighting, and I'm not going to willingly subject myself to disrespect, so the only alternative is to avoid going w/ her much of anywhere...Or, have a pre-trip meeting, discuss this very issue, and make sure she promises to not loose site of what is important, all the time! If she refuses to promise to discipline herself, visit for a set amount of time, hug necks and head home or to our room, then I'm a no go..If she agree's to discipline her self and be very happy and content doing it, then we can go places, honor God, an honor one another...But, if she isn't going to put restraint on her mind, and have order in her life....I'm going a different direction, or stay at home....And this is just one of our high probability moments...She also show's no interest in much of anything I want for us....So that attitude speaks for itself....There is no pill for selfishness....Boundaries! LOL...Boundaries!...It's the only way!... I've found anyway....
c
Yes C
Submitted by adhd32 on
Yes C, They are like one big black hole they try to fill with whatever impulsive pleasure pops into their head. And if they are having a good time how dare you tell them it is time to go! One time we were at a BBQ when my daughter was a baby and fussy from teething. The combo of Tylenol and milk made her sick and she vomited all over my shirt. The hostess offered a shower and/or change of clothing but I just wanted to leave. When I told H we had to leave he started yelling at me that he was having a good time and didn't want to go, why couldn't I just borrow a shirt. I told him I was leaving and taking the car and he could find his own way home. He relented when he realized it would be difficult to get home on his own NOT because I was wearing a vomit shirt or concerned that baby girl probably didn't feel good and would be more comfortable at home.
H has no thought in the world to consequences of his words and actions, or the feelings of others. It is the "Big Me All The Time Show" (in twinkling lights). I want, I need, I'm hungry, I,I,I. A toddler in a man's body. Boundaries help but there are some things that cannot be anticipated and I'm thrown for a loop when I am caught off guard. Separate lives with outside friends and interests is the only thing keeping me sane.
... will act as if the issue does not impact her at all
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
ADHD32 - I have often wondered 'how could my ADHD wife just completely ignore that!' after some crisis presents itself and my attempts to address the crisis require actions outside of what the ADHDer see as 'their reality.' What happens is that she will act as if the issue does not impact her at all and she will not acknowledge its existence even though I may be scrambling to pull something together to keep the family moving forward. To me she seems to act as if the crisis does not exist at all and therefore wonders 'why I am so upset'. Poof!
Yup, all the bad stuff will just go away if I just ignore it
Submitted by adhd32 on
It is amazing to me that everyone else can be scurrying around to set up a party, or make funeral arrangements, or prepare for a college move, and H just sits around with no cares at all. He does not offer help or ask what plans are being made. There is no way that I will ever believe that he cannot see the commotion or emotions. I think his CHOICE is to focus on his own pleasures. Me, me, me. Others emotions and requests for help are not pleasurable so somehow H is able to just make it all disappear from his minds...poof...bring on the fun, I want fun, now, right now...forget reality. Mr. Hedonist. He will not get involved in things that cause angst or require decisions unless there is some rush in it for him. No benevolence, no helpful neighbor, uninvolved father, and a selfish husband. In my experience my H has forced me to shoulder most of the tasks relative to everyday life scenarios because when things needed to be done or chosen he decided there was no reward or benefit for himself and checked out.
32...No one to share the load...No one to even share with....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was just looking at 1melody1's post...(devastated)...Can't trust her husband to care, no one to share with......I think learning how to deal with this reality is huge for a non...I noticed what you said about outside interests, friends etc....It's real tough (very difficult) to have a spouse, and not be able to trust them to care about things that effect you...Enough to even listen when you are hurting....Sarcasm, walking away, unconcern, indifference.....Yep, every Non needs to learn early on to not engage them about anything other than superficial stuff (things their brain can handle)....
This is kind of the story for many of us, much of the time.....Wanting a healthy attachment....Two adults caring!...But we don't have it....We have something that looks so much like it, at times, that we let out guards down, and it bites us.....Plus, marriage sharing is natural for two loving normal people...Three of our adult children are married...They don't even have to think about what kind of response they are going to get from their mates.....They know it will be understanding and attentive....They know how to love and care for others....I'm not willing to give our spouses a break for not listening w/ empathy and from negative uncaring comments...Mine does it with her friends, other family members, co-workers....She needs to do it at home!
But, I and most of you, must master never allowing our minds to put trust in someone who isn't trust worthy....I can't allow my emotions to be effected by someone who I know isn't able or wiling to be the caring spouse they vowed to be....It's fools gold to expect it.....I've found it's so much easier to keep my attention on my roles and responsibilities...When I see her as she is...Instead of how i wish she was....
Acceptance isn't an easy thing!....Especially when we hate what we are accepting....But it's the only thing that I've found that keeps me (at times;)) from thinking it's better!....To think we can trust them is like putting a hand grenade in our pockets without the pin in it, and hoping it don't go off.....Not happening!
Working on being responsible in the area's she struggles in, is something my wife does much of the time.....Maintaining any type healthy mindset over the long haul has never happened in 10 years.....So, I have to live life not expecting it to be any different....My Dad is 86 and he has dementia....He is nice one day, and cussing me the next...It's difficult to deal with him...If I try to speak to my wife about it, she has no patients to hear it....But, she will come home from visiting family members or friends, and want me to listen and show interest in her stories...Double standard..LOL....I can get in the ditch about right then, or I can just be kind, and show interest...She really isn't someone I want to emulate, when it comes to this dynamic....
None of us who have been married for any length of time has an excuse for being upset....We know what we are dealing with!...We know!...It's not changing!....So, I don't need to send myself to emotional hell, because I don't like it....I would be better leaving first...Before I self inflict pain and misery on my self, thinking I can trust her all of sudden after 10 years of not...LOL.....
Sorry I'm rambling...Trying to convince myself of this truth! ;)
c
Waaaaa call a Wambulance stat!
Submitted by adhd32 on
Yes D, this is true in my house too. I think H uses physical aliments as a mechanism for attention now that nothing else works since I steadfastly ignore his other attempts for center stage. I think his spotlighting his own ailments will be his MO until I shut this down too. He says I'm cold hearted which he knows is untrue and insulting to me. Actually it is the furthest thing from the truth as I am very sympathetic to real suffering. Unfortunately, I think a sympathetic nature is the main reason many of us ended up in this place we are now. I wanted to be a helpmate, he said he wanted to be mine too. But surprise! Here's an anchor to drag around forever. And surprise again, it gets heavier as each year passes by. So a little of unsolicited advice to people in newish relationships who are on the fence about the future: Cut the anchor line and speed away before the line becomes tangled and you end up stuck in a sinking boat frantically bailing water by yourself while your ADD person just watches while complaining they are getting wet.
At the beginning of the summer H complained and complained about his knee hurting and was dramatically limping around ooohing and wincing in mild pain. He went to the orthopedic doc and was referred to physical therapy. I think he was hoping for surgery so he wouldn't have to actually do any work plus he would garner sympathy from others as he loves the attention. He was approved for 12 visits and managed to get to 5 sessions. He forgot one and had to pay a $25 cancellation fee and canceled 2 more just in time to avoid the fee. He found planning and going to PT to be too much of a commitment so he has declared his knee better and is no longer talking about it, now he is on to another thing.
He went to his first appointment last night to start major dental work with a new dentist. When he came home he was elated, yes elated, from all the attention. He got to showcase the upbeat, witty, charming side of his personality to people he had never met before. He got to tell his stories where he is always the hero. But he will be complaining in short order once the going gets tough and he becomes inconvenienced with all the appointments and the painful dental procedures and visits to specialists. It will be a miracle from God if he finishes all the work needed and I expect things will go like home improvement projects go in our home. Gung ho with enthusiasm until complete abandonment once things become problematic and require a measure of persistence.
manipulation attempt...;)
Submitted by c ur self on
(He says I'm cold hearted which he knows is untrue and insulting to me.)
I just had to smile when I read this...When dealing w/ victims, we have to be able to recognize and ignore their insults (attempt to drag us into their junk) which are thrown at us in desperation...Ha Ha Ha.....Heartless are we?? ;)....
that a girl...Have a blessed day 32....
c