all-add couple, distraction, emotional protection

Add came into my life last week. I am from europe, currently studying in the US. After my procrastinating became worse, I was diagnosed with Add. With adderall, my concentration became a bit better. Until Friday. My wife, a continent away, had one of her usual depression/Panic attack combos until sunday. The cause was her chaotic way of thinking in her Job. She nearly got fired, again. After reading about add, I think she might have it as well, but a different brand. She has zero self esteem, is chaotic, submissive to the point of self loathing. She is taking med against hypothyreodism since 2 years, but nothing has changed. Also, she has a different Job (teaching), while I am in academia. Several problems affect us. I have developed a lot of coping strategies since childhood, so that I actually seem to be very structured and boring, since I try to keep things stable. Since my wife is working, there is a major emotional crisis with here once a week. Even if I manage to work well, I am immensely distracted by her negative self-talk. Even her sad quiet face disturbs me then and especially knowing she sits in her room crying over a mistake or the past. I end up giving advice, rebuilding confidence, and after she is happily back on track I feel exhausted, I dream of being with a normal healthy woman, who is not like a child. This has become worse over the years. My work is clearly suffering from it and everything I have achieved so far is going to pieces. She fears that too. Sometimes she would urge me to divorce her, to save myself. sometimes I dream about having an affair or using an escort, to get rid of this feeling of being chained by obligation. I feel so sad. We have tried so much to get her organized. I applied for a visiting fellow year abroad to think about it. I miss her most of the time. After we telephone, I often don't. After reading the blog post I think about children: I would not have them with her. I am going back in one month and I do not know where. Probably you cannot help me with this. But how can I learn to keep a calm head when my partner is mad at times? Doing research, I try to make a living with my head. How to keep it free from relationship-induced distraction?