My husband has been staying at his brother's house for the last two weeks, and will soon be staying in a house he bought several months ago. All I feel is a profound sense of relief...the constant anxiety is easing a little bit every day and I actually feel optimistic about the future for the first time in years. Although my children are all still at home and I have to deal with my Sjogren's Syndrome on a daily basis (it's not fun), I feel GOOD. Twenty six years of living with his ADHD and OCD have taken such a tremendous toll on my physical and mental health that it's almost like the air in my home has gotten lighter. Imagine that. :)
I truly believe that this arrangement will be permanent as my husband seems unable to strip away the denial and rationalizing of his behavior. His world is so narrow and illogical that I can't live in it anymore. There's no room for anyone else in his reality. It's so sad.
Still....I can see a light at the end of the tunnel...and it's very bright. :)
Wishing all of you better days too.
It is amazing when you don't
Submitted by brooks30 on
It is amazing when you don't let yourself worry about it anymore, isn't it?
Each day that I come on hear and read people's stories I am more convinced that there are some ADHDers that are able to work on their behavior for success and then there are others that are so deep into the own reality that they have absolutely no clue what is going on....like seriously no clue.
I attribute this to just more extreme levels of ADHD. My ex-fiance was one of those people who would understand for a brief second what his actions were doing to those around him and then the next second, almost like a light switch, he would totally forget about ever having this knowledge. I really think it's because his ADHD is sooo incredibly extreme that his brain just will not slow to process.He would forget entire weeks of our lives...he doesn't even have any recollection from his childhood, not one memory before the age of 18.
I have a real hard time with this forum sometimes because I think people, too often, try to compare ADHD/Non-ADHD relationships. As someone who has a best friend also with ADHD I will say this, her level of ADHD is no where near that of my ex-fiance's. Not even in the same ballpark....well maybe the same ballpark but still.
I think it's okay to have posts such as yours once in a while. A support are for those who tried, and tried, and tried (and even their ADHDers who to some extent probably tried) but no one could figure it out.
When I think back to my ex-fiance I think about how much I loved him. But then, almost in the same breath, I think back to the fact that I have yet to miss him or our relationship since I left him (8 months ago). And I think that's okay and I think some of us are allowed to say that because, once again, there are certain ADHDers that need a lot of help in even realizing the true reality around them. I don't think it's not possible but, for some of us, it's impossible to have the strength to help them see it.
Good for you for staying strong and no one can ever tell you that you didn't try.
I post this simply because I have been thinking about this a lot lately and it seems to me that your husband may be similar to my ex...yea I know, there I go comparing ;)
Thanks, brooks...
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I've gone over this over and over in my head for absolutely ages....why doesn't my husband get it?? Why is he unable to see that he rationalizes everything so that he always comes out on top and everyone else is wrong? I tried everything I can possibly think of to get his attention....copying pages and pages of information for him to read...directing him to this web site and others, buying books on ADHD (including Dr. Hallowell's) which I read and he didn't...educating myself as much as possible to be able to help...etc etc. Nothing worked...nothing. Degree of severity? I don't know. My son also had ADD (inattentive type), but he acknowledged the problem, sought counseling and takes meds because as he says "why would I let this go when I can do something to improve my life and the lives of everyone in contact with me?" He's only 22. Even he has tried talking to his father to no avail.
It took me a very long time to realize that I wasn't the one with the problem as he'd been saying. There was nothing wrong with my perception of reality, and I'm not "very difficult" as he says. Frankly I think I've had more than enough patience...too much in fact. Yes, I did try...repeatedly...but there comes a time when that bruise on your forhead from banging your head against that brick wall becomes just too painful to endure anymore, and your fatigue is bone deep. I loved him...very much...I can't say for certain that he ever felt the same, and I say that honestly.
I'm sorry about your ex....he does sound extreme. No memories before 18? Wow....that's just incredible. I wonder if there could've been something else going on in addition to ADHD? I'm glad you were able to see the problem before you got married and had children....I only wish I'd had that knowlege. I'd never even heard of ADHD in the late 70's.
I rest easy knowing that the ball is entirely in his court now. He must call the plays. The sad thing is, nobody else will enter the game.
even without extreme levels
Submitted by arwen on
Brooks, I understand your point about different levels of ADHD, and I agree with you completely about the comparisons. I see these differences, too, and that is why sometimes I don't respond to some posts -- I feel that my situation was too different for me to have a meaningful grasp on the other person's situation.
When my husband and I were separated several years ago, the relief was so huge. And I have to honestly say that I didn't miss my husband at all throughout the separation. Partly this was because I had other opportunities to see and talk with him (we worked for the same company), and partly because our college-age son was still living at home, so I wasn't by myself all the time. But there were still lots of times I was very much alone and by myself, and I was much happier from the relief. I really didn't have any expectation that we could work things out.
But as it turned out, the separation itself was such a wake-up call for my husband that things did change. This isn't any testament to my strength, or courage, or even my perseverence. Probably the main thing I can take credit for is that when he showed he could change and would change, I was willing to give him one last chance -- I didn't close the door. But if there hadn't been any evidence of desire to change and the necessary effort, I would now be divorced.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we've been able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, I've been to the same place where you and Flower Lady are, and I understand how good and sad it feels -- even though my husband's ADHD doesn't sound like it was as bad as your fiance's or Flower Lady's husband's cases. I wish you both peace and delight and goodness for all the rest of your days.
Thanks, Arwen
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I wish that my husband would see this separaration as a wake-up call like yours did, but my gut feeling is he won't. That desire to change is not in evidence now and probably won't be months from now. It makes me tremendously sad, and I pray for him...hoping that even if we don't get back together, maybe he'll be able to wake up just a little bit and see a "bigger" world in which other people are truly important...especially his children.
I'm sure the future will be brighter for me, and I'm happy for you, Arwen. I hope your marriage continues to grow and strengthen. :)
It gets only better
Submitted by tarjavj on
I have now been separated from my ADHD husband for almost 6 months and I must say I feel better every day. I cannot understand how I managed to stay married with this person for so long. It was always so difficult and I have learned now that everything was not my fault as he always claimed.
I thought my life would end when he left and started to see this other woman. Now I only hope he will keep on seeing her for long, so that I do not have to take care of him anymore.
I have organised my life, I live in a beautiful house with my daughters, I just ordered a new car and we have some nice holdays planned. He still lives in his friends place, his stuff stored in different places and no clear plans of anything...
Good luck for you :)