Alone in the cold

I keep saying this is it – the last straw – I cannot keep doing this – when will she ever “get it”. I know in my heart it may be never, but my “it” is different than her “it”. Our son is 5 years old next month and I have been his primary caregiver since he was 2 (we still all live together, but she does nothing to assist concerning parenting). I read where it stated to not “exaggerate – or whatever”, but I am completely serious. She has never read a book to him and could not tell you right now what his teachers name is. I look back now and it all makes sense – she loved me and us so hard and so much when we were first starting I thought (never having been in love) that this was the way it was and normal. Now I know she was stuck in hyperfocus (it’s how we had him in the first place). She stopped taking her birth control and I can see now how that can happen. She cannot hold down a job because anytime something “happens” at work like getting passed on a promotion or numbers that do not get her a bonus she can do nothing else but work and talk about that every single minute of the day (she once cried at Disney World) about something that had happened at work before we left. I was so upset that she would allow something to ruin our vacation that I saved for years for. For 3 of our 5 years I have been her and our families everything – I do the budget – cleaning – cooking – the better job – raising our son (and diagnosing his speech disorder) – living agreements – doctor appts – teacher and school choices – all in her home town where I don’t know anyone (I know some people now, but I am so busy doing everything else I do not have time for me). I also am a full time student (with a 3.7 GPA) for the past 2 years because I know for our son to have a chance at a good life my earning potential needs to grow. I allowed her to quit her job and start a business (something she has always wanted to do). I knew it might be hard, but my only other option was to say no and have her resent me and say I am holding her back. She is not a flake (per say) and graduated first in her business class (I see now how hard she had to work to do that) and the business has been successful, but at the cost of losing her family basically. She sees her son 8 hours a week (I again am not exaggerating). She will sit on the couch online “working” for hours without lifting a finger – she has never cooked for herself and will get mad at me if I cook and don’t make her anything. She gets upset if the bills and funds get tight, but will overdraw her account (because she forgot something) to the tune of 120$ and then blame the bank. The bottom line is I have asked to separate a few times, but she knows I cannot afford to force the issue. Also my biggest point is that I know she loves us best she can, but I am paralyzed at the fact of her taking him anywhere alone and want him almost anywhere other than with her alone in public. I was in a bad way when we found each other and people told her to stay away from me and that I was bad news. She went with her gut and turned this piece of coal into a diamond. I want to show her the same grace, but does living with someone with this mean I will never truly get to share my life and moments with anyone. It is always about the “topic of the day/NOW” and everything else gets put aside or squeezed in. She asks me to never interrupts her cause she forgets mid-stream and to reply / talk in short brief sentences (as you can tell her that is not in my nature). I actually am going to law school and thought about being a writer. Is there help where she can see how this is effecting me. She has been taking Adderall for 9 years and it really does not help my situation. Her biggest issues are a cluttered house, but worst is never – ever on time for anything and is a night owl. I am the exact opposite (which you would think is great), but really is not. I have grown to resent her, but stick by her because I know this is not her fault and know inside it would hurt our son to have her leave completely. I think part of it is that we live somewhere where I have no friends or support group so her actions and lack of attention to her family is amplified. She is not the villain and is actually an amazing person and I tell her sometimes (I feel bad when I do) that if it were not for our son you would be the perfect partner. I also know I will have to explain to a young boy that mommy still loves him though she was late or worse forgot to pick him up (which can be super dangerous). I have seen a counselor before (alone) and do want to try and make this work, but am smart enough to know everything has limits. I hate calling myself a single dad, but sometimes it is worse because I am taking care of both of them on my dime - alone - without a break twice a week or month - and I cannot try and date or confide in anyone cause I am married, but alone doing it all by myself.

I feel your pain

Hi pix2Clix, I just wanted to say hi and lend you some support.  I know exactly what you are going through.  One thing that I am surprised about on this blog is that more people are not writing about the lack of parenting that happens with many ADD partners.  I will be able to eventually get over an affair by my spouse but one thing I will never get over is the neglect of a father (in my situation) to his children- no asking about child's (age 20) add testing, medication, counseling, suicidal comments, depression, not knowing it is his child's first day of middle school, not asking about grades, jobs, interests, no heart to heart talks about anything important, eventually moving out of state with very little communication with son, etc, etc, etc.  It is so sad and breaks my heart every day.  I wish you peach eventually.