Alright. That's enough loneliness for me!

Sounds way too familiar...

Submitted by Flower Lady on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 22:47

...the only difference is I stayed for 26 years...:( My husband worked two jobs and also worked on projects all the time....obsessively so. He has ADHD and OCD...untreated by choice. My kids and I were always at the bottom of his honey-do list. I was very lonely too....

Now we're separated, and I'm getting used to not wondering if and when he'll actually want to be with me. It's not an issue anymore....I'm more relaxed and far less anxious.

I can sympathize with you E&F, and if I can offer one piece of advice? Don't wait 26 years to take charge of your happiness. There's no time like the present.

Take care...:))

only comfort is seeing these comments

Submitted by gaveuplongago on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 16:46

I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 16 and have 3 children, no make that 4 with my husband included. He is a loving, good man but his ADHD has had me at my wit's end for too long. I am beyond frustrated with his complete lack of organization and time management. He is CLUELESS. He was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medicine which he takes sporadically. It doesn't matter if I ask him if he's taken his medication because he will always say yes whether he has or not. He will not wear a watch because he claims he doesn't need one. My kids think I am a big nag and complete b*tch because I am the one who is constantly trying to get us out the door. I gave up on our relationship years ago. We've only had sex once this year. I am responsible for running everything in our house-homework, kids' activities, housework, housework, and more housework, because he is OBLIVIOUS to everything other than his computer and his job. He recently bought an iPad and watches it every second he is home - even when he's in the bathroom. I'm obviously venting and am so angry at him I could explode. I'm lonely and feel I will never experience a loving partner in a strong marriage. My children are the only thing preventing me from leaving him. My youngest is eight and I've decided I will divorce him when she turns 18. I just discovered this site and will be back for solace.

gaveuplongago

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 22:11

You will definitely find comfort from the non-ADDers who tell their stories here.

It will also be good to learn more about what others are going through, so you don't feel so alone and absurd for staying!

Maybe it'll even save your marriage!

If you haven't read Melissa's book, I would! It's the best one I've read on the issue so far and can make you feel incredibly hopeful and inspired.

And, btw, I understand "I'm so angry at him I could explode". I'm sure if you search that line on here it'll bring up many a posting... :/

Feel your pain.

Re: Sounds way too familiar

Submitted by carolina on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 21:13

Hi. I'm new to this site and to these forums. I was so very upset tonight with my ADHD fiance that I prayed that God would allow me to stop loving him so that I could move on with my life.

We've been together for nearly 8 years. At first, my major problem with him was that he was irritable with me (and the rest of the world) all the time. Well, several years and fights later, he is less irritable with me (although not totally cured). However, he's replaced irritability with lack of intimacy AND being nothing more than a voice on the phone. (He and I don't live together any more. I thought it would be a good idea for us to have some space, given the fact that I'm into order and neatness and he isn't.)

He will come up with almost any excuse not to spend time with me. Often, he blames me for our lack of contact by blaming my work schedule. Well, I hate to tell him these things, but the reason I signed on to work weekends was that I never saw him anyway. Why waste the opportunity to make money instead of sitting at home waiting for this guy to show up?

For the past few nights, he has promised that we will get together, but something keeps coming up. Tonight, that "something" was his grandson, who happened to be in town. Of course, I was quickly forgotten about.

My fiance is already seeing a therapist. He's also on meds. I see some improvement: He is now able to keep a part-time job. (He's retired, so a part-time job is all he really needs now.) However, the distance between us is growing rapidly--to the point that I am often in tears about his "abandonment." Given that I have a depression and anxiety issue of my own, I really don't need for him to complicate my life! I also don't need for him to constantly tell me that I'm just exaggerating our problems or that our sterile relationship is my fault because I work too hard!]

I'm just really, really happy I've encountered all of your postings. Now, I know that I'm not alone in this misery

more to consider

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 11:21

It's hard to put hurt and frustration aside to think and reflect, but I have to ask:

Is your guy being treated for ADHD or will he accept going for treatment? I understand treatment can promote incredible change.

Have you communicated in a way HE understands how important this matter is to you? There's lots of good information here and other places about how communication works (or not) for an ADHDer. They hear nagging in our words more readily than we might think.

Sounds like you've invested some in this relationship; it would sad to let it go if you have not considered these things. Also, I think this dilemma could happen for anyone, ADHD or not. If the schedule is temporary, it may be worth the wait.

Nothing is temporary when it

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 14:00

Nothing is temporary when it comes to his "work". His projects and work last forever because nothing ever gets completed.... It's a wonder he still has their trust.

He's just agreed, for the first time ever, to go to couples counseling this Thursday with a therapist who specializes in ADHD. I'm not even sure we'll make it there... heh.

He came to me today to ask me what's wrong and I told him that I didn't understand why he would change his schedule like he did. I calmly said it makes me sad and confused because there was a time where he actually cared to have days off together so that we could spend time. Now, it seems spending time with me is something laborious for him. When I said that he started screaming at the top of his lungs at me and gave me the double middle finger and told me to "F**K YOU!". Then he left the house! Still not sure what I was suppose to say, or how I was suppose to word that to avoid an explosive reaction. I didn't even show him just how emotionally hurt I actually am over this (which is at a 10+). I know he's feeling guilty for over working and feels like I don't understand him, ever... and that's probably where the explosion came from... but it's all truth. What else was I suppose to say?

I'm losing my mind over the lack of attention, love and "presence" humans need from other humans!!! I feel, sometimes, like I might as well be single because at least then I WOULD BE ALONE, as opposed to feeling neglected ALL THE TIME by someone I love!

I'm also confused as to how much of this is:

a) him not wanting to spend time because when we do we argue (he's mentioned this)-- so avoiding me all together. :(

b) inattention towards me and hyperfocus on work because our relationship isn't stimulating to him anymore. :(

c) his inability to complete work tasks so it requires every bit of time, energy and effort leaving him with nothing when it comes to "free time". :(

All of those things hurt just the same. I hate how it's always a mystery what his motives are. If it was another relationship I would probably assume the person wasn't even interested in maintaining the relationship because they were so distant... But now because of ADD it could be ANYTHING! I never know what's really underlying... and obviously conversation is impossible!

The pain is just exploding in my chest!!!! I hate feeling like this! Why does it have to be like this?!?!?!

I miss balance and presence soo much! :((((

Wow...I didn't see this

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 17:32

Wow...I didn't see this before I posted below. I am so sorry. I have gotten the explosive reactions before, and honestly I don't think it has very much to do with you and more to do with him feeling like he cannot win for losing. Like maybe he's so defensive because he really doesn't see that there is that much wrong (avoid the relationship, we don't argue, so things are OK??? maybe??) so when you bring it to his attention that things are very wrong he immediately gets defensive, scared, and thus his explosive reaction? Honestly you are right about not understanding his motives or thoughts...because I can still say something to my husband with a completely innocent intent and he somehow reads things into it that I couldn't have imagined even if I were on crack. Maybe what he hears, when you complain, is "you're a loser" "you can't do anything right" "you don't make me happy". My husband does not take criticism very well AT ALL. My advice, for now is still to just leave things like this for counseling. Go on with life as usual....go out for coffee with friends...go see a movie by yourself...read a good book...treat yourself to some pampering...just do whatever you can to get through until counseling and then try and let the counselor help you understand each other. HE needs to understand what you're feeling and thinking as much as you need to understand him. You do need a break...even if just a mental break...from it all. Try and be patient and give counseling a try. You have to look at it this way...he knows you're not going to counseling because things are perfect...and he agreed to go. It is a lot more than some of the spouses here will even do..so be thankful. Even if he won't go, you keep the appt for yourself. You need someone to help you. (((HUGS)))

good advice

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 19:17

Being the adhd guy, I think this is a pretty accurate guess at what's going on within him (or at least part of the emotional kaleidoscope). Not taking it personally is certainly the key (leave THAT to the adhd person; we're good at that lol).

Just make sure you find a counselor that he feel's a click with, otherwise he will think he's being ganged up on in no time, and disregard all input. Until then, like Sherri says, make space for your SELF (try to create your own little mental happy-bubble), and just do your best to Flow with things until you can get a good counselor for the two of you. Also remember that we are like a Radar to the resentments of others, so he is probably on edge all the time, which makes healthy communication very difficult. I'm going through that now ever since an argument 2 weeks ago; I wish I had a "reset" button so I could let go of hurtful things like a lot of normal, healthy people seem to be able to do.

fuzzylogic72

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 21:55

He's already had a session with the therapist alone because she wanted to hear his side and get to know him a little. He thought she was a little cold but otherwise thought she had some good advice. I just hope he follows through with the advice given....

He certainly does have a radar for resentments! My resentments have been building for 3 years so his radar must be beeping so loudly, its deafening!!!

He is on edge ALL the time! All I do is walk on eggshells around him... He's a real peach. :(((

Healthy communication is non existent between us because he's taking everything so personally and thinks I'm attacking him. Also, he sucks at follow through, so he's probably right... ha.

This whole thing is a mess and I just keep thinking to myself... 'wow, he is really blowing this! For once in his life he has someone next to him who loves him to death, will take MORE than my share of crap from him and is totally willing to go and get help--together--for HIS ISSUE which has now become OUR ISSUE! How could he be so dense about this?! He finally has someone who will go through this WITH HIM instead of trudging through this crap all alone!'...'Seize the day'... before its gone!

I wish he would get it. :((

i hear you

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 13:17

I understand how you feel, and believe it or not, he probably does too (just doesn't know what to do with the information). Are you sure you really do still love him? I only ask because saying he's "dense", doesn't "get it", and that it's HIS problem makes it sound like that may not be the case. If you truly feel it is his problem, and not a 'relating' problem that you both need to deal with as a team, then my advice would be to leave him. It will be harder for both of you at first, but if you regard and truly believe that it's his problem and you bear the brunt of it, then you might be happier without the burden, and he, well... he's alone already. I'm not trying to sound mean or one-sided, I really do understand how difficult it is to relate with adhd partners; I'm just offering an unbiased look at things, factoring in the adhd side (as warped as it can seem sometimes).

Is drinking an issue at all?

fuzzy

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 13:47

I do love him. I've always loved him. He was my teenage crush since we were 17 or so. Trust me there's love there! It's just covered by a s**t load of resentment and negative emotions thanks to ADHD symptoms. :((

It's like loving a lion with a thorn in his paw. You want to help but every time you do he bites your head off because of the pain! Every time I get close he RAAAWRS! So, I sit back and love him from a distance hoping one day he'll get some help and all the while developing my own negative feelings inside (of loneliness, sadness, anger, etc) because my patience is running out.<-- because I'm human.

He is alone, it's true--but by his own choice. I don't want to leave the relationship but sometimes his symptoms make me feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and I'm left feeling like that is my only option! He's put such distance between us and between himself and his "supposed ADHD" that it makes it hard to take it on "together". I try to tell him I'll help him, I'll do things I 'seem' to be better at, co-operate, team work, etc... Nothing works. He just gets defensive, denies, screams, and then retreats. Like I said, he's a real peach. :(

He's not completely ready to accept his diagnosis (june 2009). I get this. But there's another side to this whole equation too...

ME. :(

Alcohol used to be A MAJOR ISSUE for him. He's gone for counseling for this and stopped as soon as he started his Ritalin. It seems he was self medicating but found no need for it after the meds were prescribed. Thank goodness! :/

lion's roar

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 14:01

You described ME I fear... I really respect how much of yourself you are giving to your relationship. What was he like when he drank before? (I posted a new forum topic about this because I need all the input I can get).

Yours in the struggle,

Charlie

Thank you again... Oh, I'm

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 21:33

Thank you again...

Oh, I'm pretty sure every time I say ANYTHING all he hears is "you're stupid!", "you can't do anything right!", "you can't make me happy!". He's soo insecure and equally as defensive. And, as a human, I do take it personally because MY issues in our relationship go unresolved because of his crap. And I don't mean once and a while my stuff goes unresolved... I mean... YEARS of my issues just get stuffed down deep inside me and are there brewing, toxically! Totally sucks and I hope that our therapist doesn't just tell me to not take it personally because I may very well blow! There has to be a way to live with an ADDer... It can't all be like this because if it is I'm sorry but maybe they are better off alone. (no offense) :(

Or maybe it's just my special ADDer... :(((

I ended up leaving the house and visiting my sister and her newborn... Newborns are just filled with love and positive energy so I thought I'd bask in it for a while.

I will try to wait until our session before we talk about this again. It's a little hard to do though because he sort of pushes to try to get me to talk when something is wrong even though I refuse because I know it's going to go badly.

I do have a lot of love and support around me... My life is rather healthy and full aside from this screwed up relationship that is empty, lifeless and cold most days. I get more emotional action from the guy at the gas station who pumps my gas and calls me "sssveety" than my damn boyfriend!!! Sad...

I can't wait till our session on Thursday! I really hope she can help fix us.

I would assume he knows,

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 11:24

I would assume he knows, because you've told him, that the lack of time you two spend together is hurtful and leaves you lonely? I cannot remember, is he taking meds? In treatment/counseling/therapy?

Honestly, there comes a time when he is confronted with the reality of his 'inattentiveness' (I assume this is what his ADD brings to the table??) and that he either makes changes that save his relationship or he loses you. He should have NEVER EVER EVER taken the new shift without discussing it with you first and you two making that huge decision as a couple...you both listening to the reasons behind why it should or should not be something he did. I am not one to say 'get out'...I really am not...but if he doesn't start being accountable to you for his actions and taking into consideration your feelings then I honestly don't see how anything will ever change.

Ask him to reconsider the shift change...tell him you love him and really don't feel like your relationship can handle much more 'time apart'. Tell him you want something different for you guys..you want a positive, happy relationship and that you're willing to meet him in the middle and do what it takes, making the life changing decisions together...put it all out there...and then if he doesn't respond in a way that is best for the relationship, then make the changes in yourself and start thinking about Plan B. You really cannot spend another minute living the life you're living...been there, done that...and it is time to move forward...praying for you guys that he comes with you.

Thanks so much! Yes, I've

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 14:29

Thanks so much!

Yes, I've been telling him since the hyperfocus ended that I feel neglected (a year or so now). At first, it was rage... Now its just heartbreaking, sadness!

He's on been meds and just agreed to therapy with an ADHD therapist. (meds are good)

I sent him an email letting him know how I feel. Communication between us is brutal... re: above.

I know I can't live like this. I know there are some ADDers on this site that say "thanks for making us feel bad for having this disorder" and that they need some positive threads to read... but I'm sorry! This is just plain hurtful! I'm not sure how I'm suppose to be his positive, supportive mate when I feel like a piece of crap on the bottom of shoe!!! I don't care what this is a symptom of... I'm hurt! :(

I'm obviously not 'stimulating' enough for his brain, otherwise he'd spend more time with me! The only stimulating thing that happens between us is our arguing; which happens nearly every interaction... hmm, interesting, isn't it?!?!?!

You're right, if things don't change I will have no choice but to leave. I'm feeling some major low self esteem from all of this... some anxiety and maybe even a splash of depression too!

Sorry to all the ADDers on here for not having something more positive to say.... But I am human and the ADHD symptom of "inattention" is really getting me down! Not to mention his EXPLOSIVE IMPULSIVE NEGATIVE behaviors. Those are always a bonus too! :/

Everybody needs to feel loved and considered. :((((

Me as well, right? :/

Recently, when there was so

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sat, 10/30/2010 - 17:19

Recently, when there was so much 'fuss' about the 'negativity' here I was worried (although it isn't my site) that people would start to feel pressured to 'not complain' for fear of retribution or offending those with ADD...and the reason this bothered me so much is that I USED TO BE IN THE SHOES OF THOSE WHO FELT DISAPPOINTED, HURT, FRUSTRATED, AND LONELY. I can only say it in so many ways, I PRAY that everyone can find the patience, courage..whatever it takes..to find some compassion for those who are in your shoes..who DO need to vent, cry, 'let it all out' even if they cannot understand. One of the hardest things about any relationship is learning to accept things about others that you might not necessarily understand. I hate to see you seem to feel bad for looking for support..that's all I'm saying. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I certainly can relate to your situation and my heart goes out to you.

The first thing you said that gives me hope for you guys is that he's agreed to counseling. I would suggest you be doing some very heavy soul searching of your own before you all go (I assume you're going as a couple?). You say you're suffering from self-esteem issues and anxiety..and possibly depression. First thing you need to do is to stop letting the ADD rule your life. Stop taking everything so personally. I don't have much experience with the inattentive part of ADD/ADHD but I will give you the same advice I give myself...stop taking everything so personally. This does not mean you do not deal with the issues at hand, it just means that you recognize them for what they are..part of his ADD..and not necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you. Think, too, what changes you can offer of yourself...that might motivate him to 'open his eyes' , so to speak, and see the writing on the wall. It is a really rotten conundrum we find ourselves in..ADD affects our self-esteem and self-worth and can cause us to feel angry, depressed, anxious, etc...ALL things that my ADDer does not deal with well. Things start out as such a fairy tale and then end up being completely different and it is enough to leave even the strongest of people reeling and wondering why.

Make yourself a priority...take a step back and a fresh breath of air...and give counseling a chance to make some changes in your life. He knows what you need from him. You probably shouldn't go into counseling with him having the attitude "this is what I want him to change" but having the attitude that "together, we can make this thing something that both of us are happy with". I cannot speak directly to him, you, or your situation specifically..but I know that in my own marriage things were so bad (we fought almost daily) that it just didn't motivate either of us to want to spend time together or to make any efforts. I have posted before, I just decided I was done, let him know the direction my life was going (I did demand counseling for us, though) and he could either join me or we would not make it. It wasn't overnight..it took months to get things somewhat back on track for us..but I focused on my goal of happiness and peace and he followed. I think me pulling myself up and leading the way was probably the only way it would have ever changed. I love him dearly, but he is not a leader. He was, however, as sick of the life we had as I was.

I say give counseling a chance...and then go from there. I am certain he knows what you need from him...now focus on YOU and getting yourself back together and standing tall again.

Now he's yelling at me saying

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 12:29

Now he's yelling at me saying I'm not on his side! :((((

All he sees is me being selfish for expressing that I feeling lonely.

He's upset with me for having my own feelings about this and not understanding how his boss "nagged" him for 3 hours to change his shift. (this is new information, btw) I'm not suppose to feel bad for me, I'm suppose to take pity on him for being forced into it. Ok....hmmm...

So, now I'm suppose to feel bad for making him feel bad because I expressed that this is going to put more space between us.

Wow. I'm totally not allowed to feel anything in this relationship!

I'm suppose to put my sad feelings aside and just think about his feelings... again!

So ok, well, nevermind everyone!!! I'm suppose to be 'supporting girlfriend' again and just repress the sadness and loneliness this relationship brings about because MY BOYFRIEND IS UPSET that he was "nagged" into a shift change! So, don't worry about my sad, depressed, lonely feeling. As a matter of fact, how dare I even express such a thing! Feelings of my own... pft, who am I kidding! F**K ME again, this morning too! Nice.

Wow... I'm just tired of this.

Bottom line, for some reason

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 18:54

Bottom line, for some reason he is incapable of admitting he sees that he's done anything wrong. I'm not saying he doesn't 100% GET IT that you have a right to be upset over his shift change, but getting him to admit it is going to be very difficult at this point. He's EXTREMELY defensive right now, you're getting NOWHERE with him, so why don't you just take some steps back and just let things calm down a bit. You're doing exactly what I used to do, which was act like if everything wasn't fixed right here, right now then I couldn't even manage to relax long enough to function in just ordinary every day stuff. First and foremost he needs to get a grip on his anger. Second, you're going to have to learn how to communicate with each other. He's way too defensive to 'hear' anything you're saying..and the more 'feelings' you throw on him the worse it is going to get. Honest to God I think you're doing EXACTLY what he wants by engaging him in his current state of mind. HE isn't thinking rationally or with any kind of ability to admit his responsibility to you right now...so STEP AWAY and just BREATHE and stop trying to communicate anything to him right now. It was very hard for me to not keep trying to reason with him and keep trying to explain how I felt to him. I know you're probably not seeing or feeling it AT ALL right now, but my gut tells me that he KNOWS the $hit is about to hit the fan for him...and I don't think you've left much room for doubt about how hurt you are about his shift change decision (him blaming his boss is classic..it is someone else's fault so how dare you be mad at him??!! HOw about he tell his boss "I need to discuss it with my family first...and let you know"..is he not man enough to do that??) and I think he's just extremely defensive because he knows the time is coming where he's going to have to crap or get off of the pot. Stand your ground...stop trying to talk to him (you've admitted you CANNOT communicate with him.you know this..so STOP)..and just wait for your counseling session. His anger and your lack of ability to communicate with each other without his anger is something you're going to have to have professional help with. JUST BREATHE! (((((HUGS)))))

Another thing...any chance

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 18:56

Another thing...any chance his meds need to be tweaked? A lot of the time the kind of anger you're seeing comes from the frustrations of not being able to process the information being thrown at them. Or just being frustrated over not being able to focus or concentrate on things in general. Did he have the angry outbursts before meds? Worse or better now?

The Saga Continues

Submitted by carolina on Mon, 11/01/2010 - 17:14

I posted last night about my upset with my ADHD fiance who seems to be able to get out of the house to have dinner with his grandson and to do other stuff while rarely being able to keep his promise to see me. Well, I just got off the phone with him. During our conversation, he told me that he shouldn't need to explain to me that he is low energy due to his ADHD depression. I pointed out to him that I had asked him about his depression last week; he told me then that he hadn't been depressed for several days. When I mentioned this over the phone just a few minutes ago, he got surly and repeated that he just didn't see why he had to constantly remind me that his low energy problems were always with him. He then said that he felt that he and I were seeing each other rather frequently. (Note the irony of someone with ADHD and time management problems making this statement!) I pointed out that the last time he spent the night was two weeks ago. (We just slept together. There's no intimacy and hasn't been for about two years now.) Since then, we've spoken on the phone and met at restaurants twice. Oh...and, yes, I've stopped by his place to check on him and to drop a few things off. Of course, that didn't take much time.

I'm proud to say that, for once, I'm not falling for his version of events. My own therapist pointed out to me that many (certainly not all) people with depressive tendencies can grow to be a bit self-centered, unable to see the world through anybody else's eyes but their own. I have asked my fiance to see things as I see them for just a second. I have asked him to understand that I do not need 24/7 care, but that I would like to have more quality time with him. He just doesn't get it. To him, I'm just not being supportive enough.

To be honest, the situation has become so wearing that I, too, am beginning to think that it's easier just not to see each other. I dislike having to beg anyone for attention. It's insulting. And, yes, I'm taking this personally because, let's face it, I have a right to some happiness and to some sense of control over my life--or, at least, that's what my therapist keeps reminding me.

Thanks for letting me unload. If you have any comforting words, please share. I need some warmth right now.

carolina

Submitted by ebb and flow on Wed, 11/03/2010 - 00:14

All I can say is that our situation is similar in that we both feel our partners are unable to feel empathetic towards us and spend more time to keep the relationship alive.

It's the most hurtful thing to have to beg your partner to spend time with you... Like, I'm something so boring and worthless... :(

Some days it feels like my self esteem must be super low to take the crap I do in this relationship!

I'm not sure how, other than through counseling, you're suppose to get your partner to see how it impacts the relationship... They really can be stubborn.

It's been a mystery in my relationship for some time now...

It's draining and I wish it would stop...

omg! If you are 29 and not

Submitted by magnificentsix on Thu, 11/04/2010 - 00:07

omg! If you are 29 and not married to this guy, pack up today and go. He is who he is, and you want something different. If you want kids this is not fair to them to give them a father like this guy. Move on in your life today!

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