hi ... I have a situation a home right now that I have no idea if it is ADHD or just some paranoid situation ...
My partner was not diagnosed as a child and by the age of 18 he was diagnosed as schizophrenic ... now it is a mix of schizophrenia with ADHD ... since I am here I notice that sometimes he gets super stress if he misplace some items like his mobile or his wallet ... I try to keep an eye on where he left his stuff and when comes and ask where they are, I let him know .. of course it works when I see it ... but not when I don't see where he place them.
Like one month ago he brought a tablet from his brother ... he couldn't use it and put it in a bag ... in the meantime, i forgot to close the window and he forgot to close the balcony (we live in a first floor apartment) ... long story short: he can't find his keys now, he can't find his tablet now .. and now has the idea that someone enter the apartment and steal those specific items despite I have my laptop almost in the same place where he "left" the tablet and also there is the TC screen ... he gets angry if I don't agree with him that someone enter the apartment and he says that he already searched in his whole room (he previously said that and later find things) ... after 9 months of the same .. I just let him be .. he complains and screams and get frustrated and when i try to say something and is not what he expects ... I am the wrong one and the no supportive one ..
What is this situation about? I am aware he misplaces his items but now saying that someone enters the apartment and steal specific items that he can't find and then accuse me of ignoring him, that it doesnt matter to me or not being supportive is part of the ADHD or is just paranoia?
My DH has the same struggles
Submitted by Libby on
My DH has the same struggles with losing things. When we were first married I would help him search. Not anymore. He is on his own with finding his stuff. This week was particularly bad as he lost his wallet. Much screaming and accusing me of hiding it. Umm no buddy I didn't do that. When he finally found it there was of course no apology for his behaviour....
It is acussing me and then threats ...
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
Well in a way, I am "happy" that this is part of how he reacts for having ADHD.. but im not happy with the accusations of me not being supportive, not helping him at all and then threat to call the Immigration office because we break up. When he mentions migration is when i say "you break up not me" and he kind of stay quiet and then again back to the accusations of not being helpful for him and how he wants to end the relation and I should better go back to Mexico ... so in a way ... I will go back to Mexico to seek for help for me .. and if i am completely honest, I don't really think I will come back to NL. These last 9 months have been more hell than happiness ... finding how he really was and his treatment and my own adaptation process to a foreign country ... it is too much and i don't have ADHD but i feel like im losing my mind trying to help and understand him the best way I can and during the process I am losing myself (that is why im looking for help in Mexico) .. so later in an episode, he comes back and accuse me of several things that I know I am not but still hurt and then next day ... apologize and I forgive him But when the episode is over and over and over about the same things in a very short period of time (sometimes even every week) ... you just picture yourself like this for the next 40 years and I just don't want it ... does this also make me selfish??
No it does not make you
Submitted by Libby on
No it does not make you selfish. It shows that you are wise and very brave. I wish you well.
You have been more than reasonable
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You have worked very hard to make a life with your husband. It sounds like there is no reasonable chance for your husband to take responsibility for managing his ADHD. You can return to Mexico and find a happier life without qualm. Good luck.
Submitted by Michelle Immer on
Same boat, every morning he can't find his keys, he can't find his wallet..I use to also help him..searching and he would be on his phone and I'm like did you find it and he's oh yeah..Well it would have been nice if you said something.
Learning about his mind functions....
Submitted by c ur self on
My suggestion to you (if you decide to stay with him) is to accept that he is incapable of calm dialog much of the time...Because his normal thought processes will keep him blaming, judging, making accusations, getting loud and angry....He doesn't know how to stop losing and misplacing things...It's just one little part of the reality of how his mind functions.... And the more you do what you said in the post, (your attempt to help will only make you a target for blame, as you have found out) involving yourself in his chaotic life style, in your attempts to help, the more you set yourself up as a target for his wrath...He loves himself, but, he hates his reality....So it's just easier to blame his spouse, then it is to calmly admit who he is....So the cycle will start (his life will create stress, you will step in to help, or he will seek it, then once he gets you involved, he has a place to dump his frustrations ....So the negative accusations and blaming you starts, then you start defending yourself for something you had nothing to do with....(and all along emotions are escalating....So all your effort (not respecting he has no ability to live rationally, and under control, or even to be aware of his reality, much of the time) accomplishes is to destroy your peace, and any y'all might of had between you....
Based on your post, he has no ability to respect your rights, to him, in those moments, you are just a tool to be used to try and solve what ever problem his life is producing in that moment....He also has no ability to not blame you, and accept responsibility himself....You must stand up for yourself....In a calm moment, set him down at the table / no distractions going on....Look him in the eye's, and tell him...You will respect me, you will never blame me for your own limitation in living life...Tell him to never ask you to help look for anything until he decides, no matter the outcome of the search....The only thing he ever say's to you...Is thank you for your help!...If he truly cares for you, he will work on this....When we don't allow our selves to be used, and disrespected, (Boundaries) their true heart will be revealed.....So don't be surprised if he is ready to quit on the relationship, when you refuse to be his scapegoat...
Without a scapegoat, they have nothing to blame, in order to prop up their positive self image....All I can say to you, to me, to anyone reading this....If you make the choice to help them in their frantic searches...Never take on their emotional state (panic)...Never verbally respond, to anything they might say during or after your effort to help....If you notice they are trying to force you to take on their emotions, and their panic....Just quietly walk away....You must control you own life...Or he will control it for you!
We as spouses can be like some parents, who refuse to discipline their children....So the adult's life ends up being dictated to by a 3 year old....It works the same w/ mental illness, dementia, and other disorders of the mind....
hi c! Thanks for your reply
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
hi c! Thanks for your reply and message ... I have one question and maybe you can try to help me:
In the beginning when I arrived, I tried to convinced him about how he was wrong and of course, that ended up super bad (that was way before I found this forum and read about his symptoms)
Later when the crisis team came (this was around july) they advice me to leave him alone every time he was in his room ... and so i did so far ... of course that makes me feel alone living in the same house but well .. better that then arguments.
The last 3 weeks, when he has the episode it goes like this: First i remain in silence because what he says is nonsense and he interpreted like I am ignoring him. After a few times of telling me that I am ignoring him I start to answer along to what he says and then he says I am motivating him to do bad things (which im not) but it goes like this: "next time I see the doctors i will tell them I quit all the pills because they don't work and they are useless as doctors" and I reply "yes, because so far you only say that to me but not to them") And the third thing I do is walk away ... the problem is that he follows me where I go. Last night I just needed some time out and i stayed in the stairs of the apartment building around 1 am ... he came super angry and saying "why I was making a scene, what the neighbors will say" and i keep saying "i just need some time out" and he continues pushing and screaming so eventually i go inside the apartment ...
So far I have learned or at least feel that my existence during those episodes is a problem for him. It is like he doesn't want me but at the same time he wants me there. I have tried to walk away either by going to my room or go outside for a walk, and he follows me .... so please tell me, in these moments what do i do? How can this episode can stop? What can I say to him? Even when I say to leave me alone he starts with "yes, go back to Mexico because that is what you want"
Eventually he gets tired and goes to his room and locked himself and this is where I take a deep breath and cry and think what should i do. And this is how it has been since I arrived .. of course in the beginning there were more arguments because I was completely new and i had no knowledge about his condition .... now that I know i still feel like the same because it is the same circle over and over and over and I still don't know how to make him go away.
I can only take you into the painful area's, where I've learned.
Submitted by c ur self on
Working through these unbelievably hard dynamic's are very draining, even when two people are working to find workable common ground...When only one has awareness, ownership, and the willingness to work toward unity...Then it's impossible to make lasting change...
What I have learned in my 2 marriage's (30 years) & (10 years) is there must be respect, and acceptance, even when there is no understanding...Every human being's heart and mind, is made up of genetics, and experience's....You're natural tendencies, and his are very different....All the things that you have experienced (been subjected to) since birth or very different than his experiences.....You are both (just like all of us) molded by these experience's, and your blue prints. (genetics)....Your cultural difference's alone will be a problem (unless there is full acceptance of your difference's, and they are viewed as an opportunity to learn, and not a threat).
Disrespect, Abuse, Intrusive and Controlling behavior's are the same in every culture...(Some tend to accept it more than others, because of man made human value systems)
In your example; he has needs, that he views as a must....1) undisturbed time alone, (in a locked bedroom)....which you have the same need...(time on a stair well landing)...The difference is, his is being produced (according to him) by his human make up...Your's is being produced (in this example) by your emotional state, as it relates to his aggression and his need for seclusion....But these are the least of your stated problems....He wants you to pet him, be on stand by for him, once his mood clears up...Never speak suggestions, helps or corrections related to his realities, no matter how you are effected...
You need to understand and accept this, and it will really help clear up what is possible, as it relates to the future of your marriage with this man....Sometimes (most of the time) a spouse who desires to love, and be loved, struggles to accept the reality of what is possible in their marital relationship. A name for it is, (and we most all do it) Rose Colored Glasses....Our view's are skewed by emotion. So we start compounding our mistakes...We call our sin produced shame..Love!..Which only produces reality blindness, and emotionally ties us to hopeless situations....
I have never had a good outcome, when I tried to get my wife to SEE the effects of her life style on me, using words....The reasons are.....She loves her life, no matter how chaotic it is...IF she didn't, she would work to change it, without anyone pointing out that she needs to....Also, even if she could change, she isn't willing to discipline her life in order for it to happen...And if I am pointing out her behaviors, there is a very good chance, that I'm showing frustration in my tones, and facial expressions...So many of us (me definitely) struggle to be at peace, when our spouses aren't in a fit state for fellowship...When we get married, we think it's going to be a loving life of unity...Rose Colored Glasses!...But, we get the whole package...
I wish I could tell you what to do....But, I can't....I know Jesus helps me, and I know he loves us all....
I will pray for you...
I think the real question is this....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Do you want to spend the next 20-30 years repeating this same cycle? Things will only get better if he owns his ADHD and seeks treatment for it. That includes non prescription methods, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Conserve Your Energy
Submitted by shine1 on
Yes, this is part of unhealthy ADHD behavior. As a non-ADHD partner learn early to take care of yourself holistically. Seriously--HOLISTICALLY. Read these various topic boards, continue to ask questions, voice situations, and LEARN how to respond, not react, to your partner. This is only 9 months in, so make a decision on the kind of life you want to live; the kind you can or cannot have w/this person; and then how to make the life you want happen.
Okay so a few things about sz
Submitted by smd1409 on
Okay so a few things about sz (schizophrenia) and ADHD from someone who hangs around both these types of forums populated with them.
Szs see and hear things we don't as if they were reality. Someone once described a situation whereby they can be having a full blown conversation with a stranger outside the home who in reality is not there. Hearing this, you can probably understand why disagreeing with an az can cause problems. Some of them take disagreement lightly, others not so much. That is completely understandable because when reality is distorted constantly for you, then by extension it may become hard to tell what is and isn't possible anymore too.
If you have someone with sz who doesn't take disagreements lightly, the general advice is to get them to seek help in other ways. In this case by helping him control his ADHD.
With regards to lost items (ADHD related problem), whether or not you find them, you can both agree that something needs to be done in order to stop him from losing them. Place colourful transparent boxes (or boxes with the a side missing forneasy visibility) around the house for specific items: a 'going out' box for items like keys, wallet etc. close to the front door with his shoes so that he will can go out with them instantly, gadget boxes around the house to place all gadgets and only gadgets so that he can pick them up from there whenever he needs it, making it harder to misplace. Insist and remind him to make sure to place his items there when he's done until it is habit (and if he forgets every now and again and you notice, just place it there for him) so that he doesn't lose it and make sure you only allow three types of boxes (going out, gagdets and one more thing) to exist and no more for the most important types of items so that it doesn't confuse him and he stops using them altogether. Bright colours stand out for people with ADHD so having colourful boxes will reduce his chances of forgetting to place then there.
Hope things work out for you and your husband.
Do you love this guy?
Submitted by repeat that please on
If so, tell him. "Babe, I love you! I don't want to take your things."