Alternative universe

I have been in a 2+ year long distance relationship with a man that I am convinced has ADD/ADHD.  I have finally begun to see the behaviors in a real and troubling sad way. 

His coping with disorganization, and lost items as well as time crunches that result, is so scary for me.  I feel I am watching him in an alternative universe. 

He looses his keys or cell phone once or twice a week.  This isn't a, he misplaced it thing. This is a he has no idea where it is thing.  He began turning my house upside down including stripping the cushions from the couch to find his cell phone.  He had lost track of it Saturday night but didn't realize it was missing until 11:30 PM on Sunday, the night before his flight back home.  It was frightening to watch.

I have also witnessed the "papers" and how they overwhelm him.  He had personal papers, old mail, snack bags to be recycled, old un-needed receipts from like CVS or the grocery, business papers, newspapers from my town and his - AND he had my mail that had been delivered that day mixed into this mess.  I was stunned.  At this moment I realized that when he refers to "his papers" he isn't referring just to his business invoices and mail, he is literally referring to any piece of paper that may cross his vision or be in his hands.

I can't describe how unsettling these 2 events have been for me.  I can't eat I'm so upset.  My friends have noticed my weight change and commented - and we're a fit crowd who never comments on bad weight things like you're too fat or too thin (in this case).  I feel on the verge of tears almost constantly. 

I feel so for this man and want to calm the drama of what appears could be ADD/ADHD affecting his life.  But he doesn't believe in lots of phsyo stuff, including this.  And he always believes "he did nothing wrong", for example when he does or says something hurtful to me, or when he is so hyper it sends me into a tail spin.

When I see these scary alternative universe instances I feel so so far away from where his brain is it feels like an unbridgeable chasm.  I am so sad and in so much pain. 

We seemed to reach bottom this weekend to the point that I wanted him to leave and go home early only to feel that's not what I wanted later on.  I just want him to be well and for life to calm down.  But he blames me for being angry and so serious.  Yeah, well, if I'm not serious, I can go without food, for example, or sleep, or safety, because he's wrapped up in whatever "fun" he wants to have.  I try to plan ahead for my own needs for food, water, sleep, and then I'm too serious.  I try not to be hurt by the constant negative comments and when they add up to about a half dozen in a few hours, I loose it. 

I don't know what to do to make things calm down and get on track. He won't do anything.  He says he could or he will look into ADD, but I've heard this on other things too.  He always ends up being "too busy" to do any of the stuff he "could" do or "will" do.  Is this common to say you will do something but never follow through?  He just keeps telling me to control my temper, go with the flow, take him for who he is, and that "he did nothing wrong".  Is it normal for ADD/ADHD folks to make you feel bad, say nasty or unkind things, and expect you to 'accept it' but when you lash out after being continually hurt or when you're exhausted from compensating for him,  they expect you to '"change".  In this way, the ADD/ADHD person is always right, in his mind.  Is this common?  I'm trying to decipher if this is ADD/ADHD or just narcissism and/or controlling behavior on his part.  I know he loves me but his parents are dysfunctional with anger and nastiness between them for 50+ years.  Bad model that he doesn't want to repeat but he seems to be doing so.