It has become very obvious to me that my ADD spouse is always working or doing something else rather than be with me. Promises to do things together are often broken or delayed until it is too late. Careful scheduling, early planning and much discussion usually proves to be wasted efforts. Underlying passive agressive behavior exists as well. Trying to live with a spouse who is like this is often very disappointing. Marriage counseling has helped with awareness but scheduling convenient appointments, travel time (often 2 hours) and expense hamper progress. What to do in between appointments is always a mystery. As the non-ADD spouse, I always seem to be the one trying to make things better or at least be the one bringing up the subject. Trying to get cooperation is frustrating. My ADD husband often verbally agrees to wanting change but his opposite actions always reveal the truth. We have been married for over 40 years. Is anyone else experiencing this problem in their relationship? Do you have any observations, hints or comments?
Always Being Disappointed by ADD Spouse
Submitted by eyekahlo on 09/10/2016.
Yes, I experienced this in my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes, I experienced this in my marriage (31 years) to a man with ADHD. What sometimes worked for joint activities that I thought he wanted to participate in but knew might be difficult for him to join in without outside help would be for me to anticipate all obstacles and barriers and suggest ways for those obstacles and barriers to be overcome. And I would do all planning for joint activities that I could possibly do. For example, for our daughters' college graduations, I booked the flights, I booked the hotel rooms, I invited my family, and I made dinner reservations. I could not arrange for my husband's temporary substitutes for his work, so he had to do that. I did remind him about the importance of the events.
Rosered --Anticipating Barriers & Obstacles
Submitted by eyekahlo on
31 years is a long time to persevere!! I can relate. I know what you mean about trying to predict the pitfalls of various important joint activities. Often it would backfire for me when my spouse would throw me a new curve by not telling me important info that I needed to know. I call it sabotage. Like inviting more people at the last minute, inviting people that upset me or telling them to come 2 hours earlier than what we agreed upon. Or by changing the menu after we had previously agreed on it. And showing up with all the supplies/food for it. Then he would take over the entire kitchen. I walked out many times leaving him in the lurch but he just persevered on like nothing happened. And he managed to carry it off. Also he was always worried about what it would look like to others but never concerned with the amount of stress he put me thru. I wanted to just have the powers of Samantha Stevens on Bewitched - just to be able to keep ahead. His family (even with their share of dysfunction ) always got treated like VIP but my family wasn't- they had their own dysfunction as well . When I needed my spouse to be there earlier in the day to help he was always late and always avoided the unpleasant tasks. I could never figure out how work would suddenly become so important hours before an event. Sometimes he started a messy home repair project hours before the family activity. Once about 2 days before my turkey day event, he decided to repair the ceiling of our dining room -which put mess in places that I struggled to remove. Imagine gravy with sawdust!! I tried reminding him of important events and tried to detail to him the chaos he always created in advance of the event. I brainstormed endlessly. Finally I just stopped doing it all. I have my own baggage which I am working on and have become aware of things. Maybe it is what happens with time-- We have seen many therapists and had some progress. But it was news to me that my spouse had issues and that he was not keeping up his end of the relationship. Once I realized that part of the reason was that he was being uncooperative- whether consciously or unconsciously- a whole new world opened up for me. My current efforts are focused on getting him to come out of the denial fog and become aware of his behaviors. He is very stubborn. A new therapist has shed a lot of light on PA and ADHD and I got my spouse to attend a double session all by himself. This was worth every penny. But the logistics of getting there- 2 hours round trip, expense and scheduling conflicts do hamper progress. Why have I stayed all these years ? I know you are thinking that! Well fear, weakness and codependency are my problems.I also had 3 kids to raise. So now it is a daily struggle to try to make sense of all this. And hindsight is 20 -20! I am now in my mid 60's and bewildered. My spouse doesn't want me to leave. I know he loves me and I love him. He often times seems just as bewildered as I. My new therapist opened my eyes to me expressing myself in how things made me feel. Again- a light bulb moment for me-- I have had to excavate to find them and express them. For the first time in my life, I am now aware that yes I have feelings and it is okay to express them. Initially when I expressed my feelings to my husband on how things made me feel- I was met with silence. It was deafening. But he is slowly coming around to accepting that I even have them. He will say he hears me but of course his actions reveal the truth. I call him out gently on the big things- I pick my battles. In the past week or so things have improved but there is always the danger that a 'relapse' will occur. I have to say that I am so happy to have finally found a place where I can vent and express myself--here on this site. I live in a very remote area that has no access to relevant support groups unless I travel at least 2 hours round trip. Even my therapist, my minimal family and 1 or 2 only " friends" have had it with me and my plight. They are all tired of hearing my frustrations and are way too busy for my "neediness". My 1 or 2 close family members think I should just leave. But it isn't that simple after 40 years history of kids, houses, businesses, and other things. It would be one thing if I was 20 again.. I have done all the suggestions: go for a daily walk, exercise- with these arthritic joints?, taken up hobbies, attended courses at library, read books, have part time business, taken and are done with the antidepressants, tried SAME-e, helped others, kept daily journals- but I am still frustrated. So Thank you I really do appreciate this site... and the chance to hear from others-- Iam not really alone!!!
Eyekahlo, same here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I left my husband after 33 years, because I couldnt take the passive aggressive behavior any longer. His irrational behavior at times, that he rationalizes, is what his mother did, and what I watched HER do for years.
The constant,"Do as I say, not as I DO., is frustrating, and terrible to live wih. Also, never getting any affirmation, or attention, or hugs, kisses, loving tender moments was very hard. My husband wanted all these good things but wouldnt GIVE that in return. His excuse for this was, "Well, I'm not very good at that."
I wasnt raised with a lot of love, but I changed that in my own life by acting different. He could do the same, and he DID do that when we were dating, but after we got married, he got so overwhelmed with responsibility, that he stopped focusing on our relationship. Then, anything and anyone on the outside of our house was better than what he had. I was more lonely being married than I ever was being single. THAT is a terrible thing to say.
It's so hard when your spouse lives with one foot in the door, and one foot out the door. It's like they are always looking for an "out", so they can get away from being responsible for someone elses life. So, WHY GET MARRIED? I still havent gotten an answer to THAT question.
At some point each person WITH this condition is going to have to OWN it, and face up to it, and how it effects others. There is only so much the others around them can do. I am a VERY easy going person, and if my husband couldnt face his ADHD with me, I dont think he could ever face it. No one else has been as patient with him as I have. I now think if I had been harder with him it might have been better, but then again, maybe not. He might have gotten even more stubborn. But, I would have done better for me I think.
dedelight4-- owning the behavior is key
Submitted by eyekahlo on
dedelight4- How did you find the courage to leave? 33 years is a long, long time. I have 40 years plus invested. I agree with the always looking for an "out" of the responsibility. I understand the PA behavior of the rebelling and the repressed anger. It is all about how my spouse's mother treated him. She never was affectionate or soothing. She was very over critical. Her mother was the same way. Both women had "absent" partners suffering from PTSD. Both women had to carry heavy burdens to survive and were not very pleasant in the process. My spouse is very affectionate and craves touch. I am constantly giving back rubs and massages. But I too I have always felt very lonely and I agree with you it is a terrible thing to say but it is the way i feel. I also often wonder why get married-- it is sometimes like living with a jerk for a roommate. Or sometimes I feel like the caretaker, always cleaning up the mess. Lack of responsibility is the core issue but I can say my husband has always got up every day early to "slay the dragon" for well over 50 years. It seems the ADHD causes him to go thru 10 agonizing steps on tasks where as others take only 2 or 3 steps. I also see that there are always many, many "irons in the fire". My spouse will readily admit that and he says - "well some of them have to catch". But in reality all seem to catch al at the same time and the prioritizing becomes a nightmare. My spouse would be lost without his iphone. He has many ingenious methods to remember to do this at what time and all. But it seems year after year he always forgets our anniversary. But he always remembers his older brother's birthday or his late dad's birthday. Once when out therapist asked why he didn't just schedule it into his iphone he just stared back at her in silence for over 5 minutes. Boy that was uncomfortable. When I asked him finally why not he just changed the subject. When I pointed that out -he changed the subject he then retorted -Why do I have to remember all the time? Why don't you --. So of course I detail all the times when I did, about the shirt I got him, the 2 hour massage , the meal I cooked. Then our therapist asked why I didn't just leave hints around the house a few days before the event. Then I lost it and said --well why don't I just buy my own gift? Or maybe I will go downtown and grab some guy and ask him if he would like to go to dinner. I mean why be married?--. Again award silence. Finally the therapist ask sme how it makes me feel. Now it was my turn to be silent. It took me about 10 minutes to try to figure out what it made me feel like. I finally came up with- It makes me feel as though I do not count-that I am not important and that he might regret that he married me." Well that launched all sorts of protests and denials from my spouse. So of course the session then has to end- and we have done many double sessions. I get frustrated because it takes so long to get to the core of things and then we have to stop. And well should we be paying our bills or should we just camp out in the therapists parking lot and spend all our money on therapy. So off we go for the 1 hour return trip home and nothing gets said and it is back to business as usual once we get home. It seems that getting my spouse to even admit that we have problems can be a slow form of torture. I have to admit though that recently after he went to a 2 hour session without me because he left without me -- he "thought" i already left... when in reality I was upstairs in the bathroom. Anyway he was at the double session and gained some insight. He did start to look at things a little differently. I get the feeling that often he has no idea "what he is doing wrong"- his own words. I admit I often got confused by the terms "owning the problem". i just needed different words to explain it. I mean I own a purse and a car and a pair of shoes. I could not make the connection. finally I am getting it-- it is the realization and awareness of having a behavior. One has to emerge from their own private river of denial. And want to do something about it. So there has to be some soul searching. And I can't do that for him. He has to face his own shortcomings without me pointing them out every two seconds. So yeah there is a lot of layers to the onion to peel away before one can get to it. I also admit I get very frustrated with the process. I want to scream just cut the cRXX and be home when you say you will and do what you say you will when you said you would do it. To further elaborate -I mean I can take bad news and a change of plans but just give me the honesty and courtesy of letting me know. I can't devise a new course of action if I don't have all the facts. Sometimes I feel like I cannot rely on him- that he will go rogue on me two seconds after we have agreed on something. Again why be married-- it is like he wants all the benefits without any of the hard work. Like it is a shortcut.. I really believe there are no shortcuts.
i
I had to laugh
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Trust me, my husband has ADD. It is a bloody nightmare, and not funny at all. It was your comment about how you feel he has no idea about what he is doing wrong.
My husband always start with the comment "I didn't do anything wrong last night" if I am angry about something. And I always try to explain, it's not about right or wrong, I am just trying to get you to see how I feel. Usually it takes four hours of explaining, some yelling, one of us breaking down, and finally he will capitulate and say, oh, I can see how you feel.
I could take the same situation and explain it to anyone in the world and they would go, oh, yeah, sorry, I was being a dick, and that would be the end of the story.
They really DO NOT get it. And I hate that worst of all. That you can be at home suffering, lost, lonely, abandoned, and they are out having the time of their lives and have no idea that you are upset that they cancelled or showed up late for the 19th time this month.
I guess that is the point though. They really don't get it. I am giving this two to three years. If I am still a lost screaming maniac once a week, then, I am out. If he cheats on me, I am out. If he doesn't accept assessment and treatment, I am out. I have to give him some time, because there is a lot of trust to be gained and a lot of history to get over but two to three years should be enough time to get us on the road to recovery. Thanks for letting me vent. You are lovely ladies who have suffered through many things for a long time. I hear you and I feel your pain. You are not crazy. You have been through so much. And you are strong and beautiful people. Believe in yourself and aim for your own health and happiness. I wish you luck.
"owning the problem"
Submitted by dancermom on
Talk about not getting it! Last night I decided to actually ask my husband to do something.
I had decided two weeks ago that a particular thing he does which makes a big stinky mess was something I really do want him to clean up after. We talked about it two weeks ago and I showed it to him (he does not see it or smell it, independently, but can when shown). We talked about how could he remember to clean it up and I mentioned the possibility of him putting a reminder in his calendar, but I didn't persevere to the "making an agreement" stage because this has repeatedly backfired. So, it was a request, with a suggestion for how he could take it on independently, without reminders from me. At that time, because of the blank looks and stonewalling he was doing, I really lost it and cried and melted down about this to him. Told him it was a big deal to me that he leaves this mess for me, and has for 20 years despite repeated requests.
He has had many opportunities to know this matters to me. I have periodically asked him for years to do this particular clean up and he always forgets. I mean, 20 years of forgetting. If you asked him 2 weeks ago before that conversation what things particularly bug me, I would bet money he wouldn't even put this thing on the list. Since it had been a couple years since I mentioned it, he would have forgotten by now.
But this one thing, is the only thing I have recently decided to go to the mat over, leaving all the other things aside. It's that important to me and causes that much resentment. And I've periodically asked him to do it and had agreements and reminders, etc.. various approaches for 20 years. And he still doesn't get it.
So, who owns the problem? Me. I'm the one who is bothered by it. Even though he's the one who repeatedly makes the stinky mess and doesn't clean it up.
Last night I carefully mentioned the problem and instead of tackling it like a long term problem solving (let's make a plan, how will you do this, how will you remember to do this, etc...) I just mentioned that I was frustrated at the stinky mess, and would he please go clean it up tonight.
He barked back at me about all the other disorder in our house right now (true, so many balls dropped!). In other words, instead of taking on board that this one thing which I had melted down about 2 weeks ago was really important to me, he equates it with everything else which is less important to me.
I said, so you're saying you can't clean this one mess because of all the other disorder in the house. I am asking about this one thing and you want to talk about all the others.
He said, whenever I try to think about picking up around here, I get so overwhelmed because it's so bad. What's the point?
I said, well, I'm asking you to do this one thing.
So, he went and cleaned one of the places where he makes this mess but not the other one. I didn't discover this until later. So funny! He cleaned the one I showed him, but not the one I didn't.
Anyway, when he came back from cleaning it, he said, angrily, Ok I did it, but you know there were cobwebs and that whole floor should be mopped and the whole room should be gone over from top to bottom.
I said - well, I am not interested in what "should" be done, according to someone else's standard or some good housekeeping book.
He got mad and said, do I have to put "in my opinion" in front of every sentence? It's what I think, ok?
I said, well, ok, then I am interested in what you personally want to have happen in our house. If you really want that room very clean I want to support you. Because you want it. (See, I want him to decide what's important to him, to prioritize. To "own the problem" rather than being driven by what he thinks the world thinks.)
He can't prioritize. He can't let some things go to work on others. He wants it all down, now, with no planning. So nothing is done. So many times we have tried to tackle things together and the "what will we do first" conversation KILLS him. He just wants to get to work without talking about it. I realized this about 5 years ago, that trying to plan and prioritize together was a huge friction point. It just drives him crazy. The mental effort. The being hemmed in by making agreements. Etc.. So, we don't plan anymore. For five years he has been saying, "I'll just take a day off work and get this place picked up." This summer he said, "I'm going to take Friday afternoons off work every week this summer and get this place picked up." I didn't interfere or comment. He took a bunch of vacation time to take Friday afternoons off and no discernible progress was made.
Lately he has been saying, because of getting behind at work, "I think I'm not very good at this planning thing. I guess you've been saying this for years."
Last week he took his first ever project management training.
Wow. He perceives a problem, and he's trying to address it. He's owning it.
But the stinky mess he makes? I own that.
and another "not getting it"
Submitted by dancermom on
Earlier in the evening, when my husband and I were in the kitchen together, just home from work, I said something to him and waited for a response for over a minute. Then I left the room and kind of talked to myself for a second. There is almost no "small talk" between us because I censor almost everything before it comes out of my mouth. If it's not important, it's not worth the work.
I came back to the room. Showing sadness, I said, Honey, did you hear that I asked you a question a few minutes ago?
He said, Oh.. yeah, maybe I did. (At least he didn't claim he already answered me. That one drives me up a tree when he does that. the times I'm looking at his mouth and waiting for his lips to move for several minutes and then he claims my hearing must be bad.)
I said, , still allowing sadness and not flipping to anger, do you know what it feels like to me every time I ask you something and you do not seem to know that I am here? It's not neutral. It's negative. I feel more and more invisible.
He said (and I think this really shows a lot more openness than in the past), well, I think I kind of do know that, globally in a kind of vague overall way? But in the moment, I don't know that.
Wow. I dropped it right there. I don't know if he'll remember he said that. But it was a lot more satisfying and connecting than a lot of the other responses I've gotten when I've brought this up.
Other responses of the past:
1)I didn't realize a response was needed.
2)I already answered you.
3)I didn't hear you.
4)You should just ask me again if I don't answer. Don't bring up that you already asked and didn't get an answer. (believe me I have done that and can get a non-answer 2 or three times in a row!!! I'm just standing there talking to myself!).
I have admitted over and over that I have "baggage" in this area. But in the moment, when he's tuning me out, it doesn't occur to him that a non-answer is having any impact on me. Yup. I believe him. That's the truth!
It's "Customary"...to "Ackowledge Someone"
Submitted by kellyj on
When they say anything to you and not be dismissed....right? Even if they didn't hear you the first time....it's customary to acknowledge people period? It's what's normally expected and you don't need to explain this to someone? You expect this....I expect this....they expect this? Everyone....expects to be acknowledged in one form or another when you speak to them?
Being "Dismissed"....is not what you normally would expect or need to ask someone...."Please don't "dismiss me" ....in place of "acknowledging" me"
As if...this is what you or they would expect and it's perfectly normal to be dismissive? Why would you even need to explain this to someone...or them to explain why "dismissing" is bad and why you shouldn't do that...in place of acknowledging them instead???
That is.....since acknowledgment is what everyone expects without having a need to explain this to someone? Right?
J
family patterns
Submitted by dancermom on
Yeah, I'd think so, J.
But my husband grew up in a family that monologues to each other. Not a lot of back and forth. Over and over you can see one person monologuing along.
I've specifically watched my husband and his mom interact. She is happy to patter along for quite a while and no wonder a person would tune out. My husband also will go off on his own ramble and not really expect any interaction back from anyone. Then after a while he'll sometimes say " I guess I went on for a bit". Either he says nothing or he's monologueing.
SOMETIMES, if he's really interested in a topic and He's the one who brought it up and he really wants my input, then there is a conversation.
I guess his "normal" is something like; people get started talking and they just want to talk. it gets kind of boring but that's what they do.
I Think....What is Not Normal
Submitted by kellyj on
Is to monolog and just listen to yourself speak and expect others to be interested or hold their interest for too long if you do this. I can and have done this with topics of interest. As I have tried to explain this to my wife...it's just getting carried away sometimes. That in itself...is an ADHD thing I think? It's not normal...but it's somewhat to be expected? I am totally aware of my propensity to do this..and I have to really watch myself and monitor myself...to make sure I'm actually being listened to or have the other persons interest? Telling stories is a good case in point? That's exhanging..."stories" if that's the case....but making sure you don't dominate your fair share of allotted "story telling time" you have in the exchange is what you need to be cognitive of? I am...and I watch it....all the time. No harm no foul here really...if this is all it is and you stop or admit this when you realize you ..."went over". I've found....this in itself...is not such a big deal if this is what you do and how you handle it. Reading cues is how you do this as well and you don't need to wait to be told...or wait until the other person has already checked out?
But knowing if they are even interested in the first place....is more important I think? Just because you can...doesn't mean you should? Right?
My mom did this as well. She would actually following around behind you from room to room ...even when you were trying to get away from her?
I remember telling stories of my mother at her funeral and I had some of my closest friends there with me to support me. As we were all telling our stories what we remembered of my mother...the one that really stood out...specifically...had to do with this thing that my mother did and she never could get past this in her head? She was so deathly afraid of things and getting "injured or hurt"...that she was constantly talking about..."personal injury"...."people getting killed"...and things that were "dangerous". She was a "safety fanatic" and then some? She was so deathly afraid of things...that seemed to be her entire focus at times...and would not leave that subject alone?
At my moms memorial and wake afterwards. I got up and explained this to everyone there.... who may not have known this...to set up a story that most my not have known...but could relate to...if they knew my mother?
As I opened here to a rather large audience...I said..."My mom had no idea what she was in for....when she had me. Something should have told her....that when I was about 4.....that wanting to get up on a full sized Bulldozer (left outside our house by construction workers) to just sit there and pretend..... was not good enough for me. I reached down and tried to start the engine...when I saw the keys left in the ignition on top of it and almost gave my mother a heart attach!! lol Varoooom!!!
Fast forward to when I was 17 years old...and first learned how to Scuba Dive. My best friend and I (who was also a swimmer on my swim team)...not only went Scuba Diving in the ocean together....we traveled to some of the most extreme places anyone would ever think of going. The reason for this was to spear BIG fish...which meant...going a great distance in the ocean in a little aluminum boat (about 10' long...you know, the ones you put on the roof of your car...not towed behind on a trailer) with a tiny motor on back...because this is all we could find to rent and it was cheap enough to afford at the time. lol
Anyway...on the way back home after one of these weekend long adventures..... which we had to drive 200 miles to get there and camp out and spend the night in order to accomplish this. I had told my mom...that we would be home by 4:00pm on that Sunday...when we left my house on Friday afternoon on the same weekend. We ended up getting so many huge fish..that we spent a long time cleaning them and putting them on ice...which we had no idea that we would have been that successful right? We even had to go buy and extra cooler and more ice in order to bring home all the fish we had speared (some of them were between 30 -40 pounds each ).
So I'm driving my sisters old beater car ( 64 Plymouth Valiant with 3 on the tree shifting ) that she had bought for $100 from a friend...and we're cruising on home and I look down at the time and see that it's 4:20pm...and we've got like 100 miles still yet to go. And I look over and tell my friend what time it is...and he looks at me and says...."you think we better call you mom and tell her we're running late?" And I replied (at the time in my 17 year old way of seeing this situation)..."Naw...no need to call...since we're already dead anyway you look at it?" LOL
You may not get this joke or think it's all that funny....but anyone who knew my mother...and her obsession with Safety and injury and people getting killed.....had expereinced this with her ...and following you around even when you were trying to get away from her..;..because she would NOT...shut up about this and NO ONE....but her....wanted to hear it or talk about this subject. She could monolog endlessly...about..."Safety"....'danger"...and tell you...... "everything you wanted to know about getting killed" and "all the ways a person can do this." lol
And it just so happened....that most of things I liked to do...were on the short list ...which topped this list of lists....of the most common and most likely ways to get yourself "killed" as in..."potentially dangerous extreme sports". LOL
Think about it? If you are just about to jump in the water and go do something like this....what would be the most helpful or reasonable thing to say or talk about? How many people you know who got killed doing this? (as if...somehow...that's going to stop you or you don't already know this already...whe your suited up and about to get into the water??) And this person...will not stop talking about it....and doing there best to say...the worst and the most detrimental thing...you could possibly say right at that moment?)
But it wasn't just in that moment. It was all the time. All you had to do...was just mention the word "Scuba Diving"...and it was like pushing the play button on a tape that you've heard 100 times or more already. And she would not stop...even if you walked out the room right in the middle her her saying this again? It was a one way type of communicating....where she just talked...and you just listened? And when she was done...I'd say things like...."are you done telling me everything I already know?" And she would start up again...as if I hadn't heard her?
The point here is...she was trying to make a point and say something.....but in reality.....she never made a point....and just kept monolog about people who died and all the ways to make this happen? She never made a connection...to herself..or to you directly or made a point...to explain why she did this ....endlessly without end...literally?
And every time...I walked out the door to go somewhere with my friends sitting in the driveway waiting for me...my mom would come to the door..and look at me...like it was for the very last time she would ever see me again? I'm not even kidding here.
And when I told that story to my friends and family at nt moms funeral.....my friends all chimed in at once and said...." You had no idea...just how bad that was???? You were so tuned out and had stopped listening to her...so long ago....you only noticed 1/2 of all those things your mother use to say....but we didn't......she was possessed!!! LOL And yes....as we were there every time witnessing this....your mother would be standing in the door even while we were pulling away...and watching us drive away like we were all going to die together and she would never see any of us....ever again.!"
And of course....here I am writing this...which kind of makes my point? lol
So when I turned to my friend...and said...."nah....we're already dead...no need to call her once you're dead...right?" My friend about peed himself and couldn't stop laughing for at least 10 minutes before he could compose himself again just to speak or responded....and this became the famous story....of "the day we both died...but miraculously...rose from the dead and came back to life...in my sisters 64 Plymouth Valiant with 3 on the tree." LOL
What I'm saying is....monolog in itself may be a tendency to go too far or get carried away in a conversation and that in terms of ADHD...might be considered somewhat normal as I described this for myself?
What is NOT NORMAL.....within monologing itself.....is having an obsession with Safety and Death and not leaving it alone and monologing when no one is interested and is actually trying to get away from you? Not only trying to get away from you...but telling you that "I"M NOT INTERESTED IN HEARING THIS....EVEN ONE MORE TIME.....EVER!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND...THE WORDS...THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!!!!!" LOL
That is a horse of different color...right there if you ask me?
J
J, WOW, amazing similarities
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I can't even BELIEVE this. My MIL was like this in every way. She would monolog about the "dangers" of life to her 3 children (my husband the middle child) and it would be outrageous. Just like the story I told a while back about the Killer Bee in the house, where she locked herself and all 3 kids in the bedroom because there was a bee in the house, and it was going to KILL them. So, she waited in the bedroom with all 3 screaming/crying children until her husband came home to kill the bee. All 3 kids as adults STILL remembered that event, which made them ALL terrified of bugs/ bees, etc.
She too was petrified of many things and lived a total FEAR BASED life, which she passed on to the children. I helped my husband over quite a few fears, but he still lives with many.
Also, she and her family would all MONOLOG at each other, but nothing would actually get solved or even "said". It was just talking to hear themselves talk. But, then if an argument were to happen.............LOOK OUT............She would HAVE to have the last word. But, not even the LAST WORD, she would even grunt and UH, UH, and make NOISES, just so she could have the last VOCAL SOUND. It was SO CHILDISH, it would amaze me. Who DOES this?
My husband's sister's husband (brother in law) would get in arguments with my MIL, and would argue JUST so that he could hear her DO THIS, (UH, HUH, YUP, NOPE, UGH, COUGH,) And he would make noises, BACK to her noises, and this would go on for several minutes.
She too, would follow anyone around from room to room, either yelling or monologing at them. I never figured out WHY she did this, but it was a dynamic that set up terrible lives for all 3 children. My husband's brother (oldest child, deceased now) was a drug addict/alcoholic and was diagnosed paranoid-schizophrenic, then came my husband- (middle child) is ADHD, and whatever else, and then his sister (youngest child) alcoholic from age 14 who passed away a few years ago, at age 51 of alcoholism. All of them had serious issues, and it mainly revolved around the inability of their mother to deal with herself, being a wife/mother, as well as life in general.
My MIL passed away from Alzhiemer's a few years ago, but was also diagnosed bi-polar by her Alzhiemer's doctor. The diagnosis of bipolar helped me understand more of why she was the way she was. Sadly, my husband hasn't wanted to learn WHY he is so afraid of so many things, and why he has such difficulty with relationships, etc. He does say that people end up "leaving him", but has never looked into that further. Again, I think FEAR is keeping him from doing so. A fear his mother instilled in him and his siblings, which none of them would address.
Killer Bee's.....I Remember LOL
Submitted by kellyj on
Yes...exactly. My mom was the worst back seat driver in history....truly. You'd be trying to drive and "actually" pay attention the rode and other drivers and my mom would be pointing out how fast you are going. "It says 35 and your going 37. Slow down...you;'re going over the speed limit!!"
Meanwhile....you are actually more focused on not getting hit in an intersection...that going 2 miles over the speed limit? Apply everything she would say....to pulling your attention away from where you should be paying attention...and trying to distract your attention to where you shouldn't be paying attention? My normal response to her was "I'm the Captain of this ship...and the Captain says....keep quiet back there or you'll cause an accident. That's an order!!!" LOL It didn't help...but it did make me feel better and of course...she didn't get the joke...or why I said it!! lol It's was maddening and frustrating all at the same time.
And both my oldest sister and my mother...did that thing where they lean forward almost over top of the steering wheel. My dad and I gave my mom a raft of shit on that one. "So....getting a little closer to the road...makes you see better huh? That 4 inches really makes a difference."
My mom also had this nervous "twitch" when she drove. Instead of holding the steering wheel tight with both hands....her hands would open and close...open, close, open, close, open, close.....non stop the whole time she drove. This in itself...was not so much a problem...except...when you know it's there and you were sitting next to her....it was hard not to notice in your peripheral vision and not be annoyed by it. lol
But the one I will always remember even as a kid ...and even when my Mom was a younger woman had to do with going down stairs. It was painful to watch...because what she did was self sabotaging. She would look down at her feet...and place each foot very methodically...one foot and one step at a time. It took her 3 times as long to do it this way...and because she was looking down...instead of having her head up like most people do...she was leaning forward again (getting closer to the steps like in driving which really helps I hear? LOL )
Not only did this not help...it caused her to almost fall forward and she would have to catch herself because of it sometimes. I use to try everything...to convince her...that this it NOT the wat to walk down stairs!! I would even say...."C'mon Granda Ma....let's shake a leg...we haven't got all day!!" walking behind her sometimes out of frustration with this....to my own mother when I was only 11 or 12? And she was far from being old enough to be of the age...she looked like going down stairs. You'd think...she was half blind...racked with pain and all hunched over because it was exactly what it looked like...but once she hit the bottom...she straighten up and go back to walking the way she always did.
I use to say things like....".you know what they say when playing golf don't you Mom....."look up...to see a bad shot?" hint hint? lol
She didn't golf either and had no idea what I was talking about? But of the problems this created for her....those were the least of my my concerns. Those were just "curious anomalies" and annoying and painful to watch sometimes.
And it was painful for her to watch me go down the stairs and only hit 2 or 3 steps and skp the rest and get down the so fast.
And those animal noises you were mentioning....the grunting or speaking in "sounds"? My wife does this too...."uh huh"...."mmmm"....of that thing she does that really use to set me off but not anymore...."it would be good......."
Once I responded to her saying...."It puts the lotion...on it's skin......."...from the movie Silence of the Lambs as a means to show her what that sounds like? Now I just say......what is "it".....and leave it right there for her to think about?
But back to my mom and her "thing she would do that use to drive me and everyone else in the car of anywhere there was "danger a foot?"....
Oh...oh......oh......oh........oh.........OH......OH......OH.........oh.......OH.......oh.......OH...;.....OH!!!.....OH!!!......oh.........oh.....oh.....Be Carful.......Wait.......Wait..........Wait..........oh..........oh............OH......Oh......OH!!!......OH!!!!....Wait.......Wait........Be Careful...........Wait........Oh..........OH.......OH.........Wait!!!..................."
The entire time you were trying to drive with her in the car with you. My Dad use to turn to her really irritated by this time ( justifiably so ) and go...."Wait for what? What are we waiting for? Do you want me to pull over so we can WAIT? Just let me know and I'll pull over...but first you have to tell us...what are we waiting for? I'd be glad to pull over and let you drive so you won't have to tell me to wait. You can just "WAIT" all you want ... when ever you want...so we don't have to hear you tell us to WAIT anymore?"
Not only did this not make my Mom stop saying .....Oh.....Wait..... She would get angry with my Dad and she say...."Honey....you don't have to be mean " since...he knew as well as I did....why she was doing that or least because everyone knew how fearful she was and feeling not in control unless she could verbalize directions to others to make herself feel better and calm her anxiety?
It drove him crazy (as well as all of us)...so therefore...I will drive you crazy right back to make you STOP saying ....WAIT!!! The part about my Mom...not understanding or seeing how this was driving everyone crazy to be in the car with her....was the legitimate part that we all felt the same about..
My Dad on the other hand...was a really good driver. Really good and he never was in a accident? Which is surprising because of what he would do sometimes? In the same way that my Mom drove him crazy with her anxiety......other , not very aware or not very good drivers use to drive him even crazier! Not road rage per se....but passive aggressive as hell which made us ALL nervous in the car with him some times.
He would actually get so close to people who cut in front of him or did dumb moves by not paying attention...it was like being in the car with a Nascar driver....who only had inches between the car in front you and your car. I told you about when he first learned to drive and making booze deliveries with my great Uncles ( and now suspect my Grandfathers) speak easy during prohibition? Piecing this together from what I was told....my father was the get away driver in case of emergencies or had to outrun someone following them (either thieves or the Police?) That was the untold story and what I now believe? He told me he and got in an accident and was injured in a truck when he was pretty young....but he neglected to say why...and who was in the truck with him?
I'm pretty sure...I know now....who...and what truck that was and the possible reasons why?
Anyway.....if someone messed with him of did "stupid moves" on the road.....he would mess with them right back to let them know. If they yelled out the window or challenged him in any way....at the next stop light...he would get behind them...and give them a little "Love tap" as he would call it. lol This was totally on purpose of course. And if they yelled again or got out the car to check to see if there was any damage (which there never was since he was so good at doing this)....the second they got back into their car....he would "Love tap" them a little harder. LOL This would go on indefinitely...until the person in front him finally backed down and stopped getting out their car to see that there was no damage....again. You can't prove what you can't see right?
OMG....this put my Mom into a complete panic and between the two of them...(at the time as a kid)...I would be laughing so hard at my Dad...and also feeling so vindicated about my Mom and how skillfully my Dad could kill two birds with one stone and drive the way he did (excellently and skillfully like a professional race driver ).....by laughing at my Dad...and ignoring my Mom...I was as much of a problem for feeling into this and egging my Dad on...as anything else? Saying this was not necessarily a good thing but I was just a kid..and thought this was hilarious at the time since I did not really understand what my father was doing exactly and didn't understand the ramifications of what that meant for me?
My Dad....was a PRO......at Fucking with people. A bit on the Anti Social side if you will on that one. Not criminal...but not good either? It was all fun and games to watch someone else squirm under his thumb as a kid. It was another thing....to have that come back and bite you when it was your turn.
I have to say this because it really was funny one time....but there was this guy...who must have been like my Mom and OCD himself. He was afraid to confront my Dads aggressive behavior.....but could not let it go...each time my Dad "Love taped" him at every traffic signal we came to for miles. He must have got out of his car a half a dozen times or more...and the only reason my Dad stopped...was because we had to turn off to go home.
Between my Mom and my Dad.....letting go...was a big problem for both of them in their own way? And I was just along for the ride as they say. lol
J
I guess that is the essence, really
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I don't think they can understand. And I don't think they are necessarily to blame. And it leaves you in a pretty shitty situation.
My husband is disorganized but tidily disorganized. He is bothered by smells and by clutter so he likes to stack things in nice piles and put things on shelves or in drawers. None of the things are on the right shelves or in the right drawers, but the house looks okay. He does what I would call surface cleaning. He makes the house look presentable, fairly efficiently too, but he has never scrubbed a toilet, or washed in a corner and prefers to sleep on a bare mattress. No word of a lie. I have to make sure my things are put away or I will never find them again. I have my stuff separate, because if they get mixed up in his chaos, I will never find them. I did make it clear to him to not touch my stuff, and he sticks to it as much as he can.
Tonight, I needed him to give me his schedule for the next month so I can make plans with friends, book couples massages, etc. I have asked him three other times this week, but it hasn't happened. Tomorrow is the deadline. I go ahead and book my own massages, my own fun with friends, because if I wait, I will have a month of him waiting to come home.
So... I am trying not to talk about my marriage with him for awhile. Trying to not explain myself for awhile. Trying to really let it sink in that his brain is different than mine. That he loves me. That his disinterest and unreliability isn't entirely his fault. It is easy this week because he is away. We will see how calm and cool I am when his chaos is in my face and he is pushing buttons like it is going out of style. My solution is vent here, be understood here, and try and enjoy the time I have with my husband. Have a good night. I wish you luck.