Why would he do that? I ask myself that question to just about everything my ADHD H does. He consistently does things that are so inconsiderate and I swear half the time it’s not on purpose because he doesn’t even try and hide it. It’s just like he can’t think thru his actions and even consider if I would be hurt or offended or upset by his actions. The only thing that matters is his wants and needs.
I am beginning to understand this behavior is typical of ADHD so I doubt I’ll ever get him to stop the behavior but how do you addresses the issue so they understand it’s inappropriate and hurtful? Nothing I do or say has worked.
For example. Yesterday I sent a few text to check in on my H as we work opposite shifts right now. He never responded. I was worried because he’s had health issues and I even made my son go check on him. He was fine, just asleep. I got home and he said his phone was on buzz, hadn’t heard it and was working part of the day so didn’t look at his phone. But, then he mentioned that he was bored and looked up his ex-stepdaughter because he was curious as to what she looked like now. It’s been 13 years since he last saw her or his other kids with his ex-wife. Ok, so no time for me, but he can do that. Irritating but nothing to fight over. Then he gushes about what a knock out she grew into, just stunning. He shows me the picture and it’s of her and his ex-wife, he had it saved to his photos on his phone! I know for a fact that the girl has a facebook account and there are several pics of only her, but he picked the picture to save that has his ex-wife in it too. That picture came from her Pinterest page. Then he gushes about how she got her mom’s great genes and her figure (the girl is a dancer for a MBA basketball team). This comes from a man who can’t take the time to tell me I look ok let alone pretty or hot. Makes me want to rip my hair out!
Seriously, he knows I can’t stand it when he goes on and on about how smoking hot and stunning his ex was (is). He goes on and on about her perfect body and that she was so hot when they were married she would stop traffic and several bar fights just to keep other men off of her. He goes on and on about how she dressed, did her hair, nails and make up and always tries to tell me I’d look good if I were to try some of those things she use to (still does). A week never goes by without him talking about her and he knows it drives me insane!
But, I remained calm and asked if he thought that was the best picture to save? He looked at me like I was crazy and said that he liked that one of her because it shows how stunning her eyes are and then shuffled off to the sofa.
Granted, he has done WAY worse than this, but come on! He seriously can’t think 2 steps ahead and even consider that I might not love the idea he’s keeping pictures on his phone of his ex, who he claims to hate more than anyone on this plant. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get him to stop doing things that hurt me.
My husband got in touch with
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband got in touch with his first girlfriend last year. There was nothing objectively inappropriate about his contacts with her, but nevertheless it bothered me that he talked at length about his conversations with her. Why? Because this is a man who, in the nearly four years since he began working as his parents' caregiver in another city, 150 miles from home, has seen fit to call me or email me fewer than 20 times, total. In four years.
I can relate.
Submitted by Kansasry on
I can relate.
Most of what he does isn't flat out crossing the line. But it shows me that the only person that matters to him is him.
He makes all the time in the world for others and i get leftovers. Yet he expects my 100% attention. I think he actually creates drama or lies about serious stuff to divert my attention back to him.
If I were to ever do what he did, he'd leave me!
Try this...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Every time he mentions how "smoking hot" his ex is, say something like, "Maybe I should introduce my smoking-hot ex-boyfriend (his name) to your ex? What do you think?"
Or if he mentions that you should do ____ just like his ex used to, then ask him if he'd considering doing _____ which made your ex look great.
Use the same/similar descriptors he does.
then when he pitches a fit that you're mentioning a hot ex, say something like, "I totally understand that hearing about (his name) upsets you. I don't blame you for being upset. I am wrong to talk about how good-looking my ex is. So, let's agree that from now on, every time one of us mentions how good-looking (or whatever) an ex is, that spouse has to __________________" (come up with something...give the other spouse a back rub, whatever.)
>>>
It’s been 13 years since he last saw her or his other kids with his ex-wife. O
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He had some children with his ex-wife and he hasn't seen them in 13 years??? Why?
I like the suggestions. It's
Submitted by Kansasry on
I like the suggestions. It's way more aggressive than I'm use to. i just shut my mouth and let him get his way. I learned a long time ago not to mention ex's or he explodes. Maybe it's time to just let him blow.
She won't let him and he never fought to hard to keep in touch. He chose to move, drink, party, do drugs and blame his ex for his messed life. While she did do some messed up stuff, he just let her get away with it. I think he hates her but still thinks that she was the one.
The reason that they're inconsiderate....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Because they're so self-focused. That's why when it happens to them in reverse, they're appalled. They don't see the hypocrisy.
There's just a general cluelessness, mostly because they were poorly raised, advised, trained.
this is a minor thing, but in a nutshell it shows how my H can think (or really not-think).
Years ago, we were at a restaurant and I bought the "single trip" salad bar (so no returning). I went thru the salad bar line and made my plate, it was a good-sized salad. well, you know how it goes...first you do a layer of lettuce, and then you add the various toppings, cheese, veggies, tomatoes, onions, and whatever else appeals to you.
So, you get the picture....lettuce on the bottom, "goodies" on top. The salad dressing was in a cup on the side.
I sat down and H admired the salad and I said that he could have some. I figured that he would take his fork and section off maybe a portion (toppings on down thru the lettuce) and push onto his plate.
NO, he takes his hand and literally grabs the entire top of the salad leaving me with ONLY bare lettuce.......so he grabbed all the "goodies" and placed them on his plate.
Now, aside from the bad part of USING HIS HANDS, he was also completely clueless that he had left me with bare lettuce, while he had taken all the goodies. It just didn't even dawn on him.
When I spoke up, and commented on what he'd done, he got very angry. He stayed angry for more than one day. Seriously. In hindsight, I guess he was really just angry at himself for being "caught" being clueless. H likes to believe that he's the most unselfish person so he gets very upset when he's been shown to be self-centered.
These are the sort of thing that should have been "nipped in the bud" while H was being raised. But, H's mom was very lazy and never paid any attention to these sort of things.
Yikes, that's pretty bad.
Submitted by Kansasry on
Yikes, that's pretty bad.
He has time where he is considerate and he was almost always when we dated. He also manages this for his friends and family. But where it counts, he has dragged him self out of the area of responsibility. There are loads of self centered and inconsiderate things he will do. Some I can let go of but there are repeat areas that he neglects that I feel are the foundation of a good marriage. I just can't get him to hear me and understand what I'm asking for.The second I say anything, anything!, that even remotely sounds as if I think he isn't doing something that is right, he gets defensive, angry, lies, deflects, point the finger, threatens...if I don't treat everything he does as perfect then I'm asking for a fight.
It has taken me 2 years to get him to hear and understand that while I don't mind friendly flirting with him and another women or even if he thinks a woman is attractive (I've got eyes and hey if they are they are). But I will not tolerate sexual flirtation. I will not allow him to cross the line into what I consider EA's just because, his words "I'm not going to stick my dick in them." Because my point is that they don't know that based on his behavior, it is disrespectful, it's weakens my trust and our foundation and it makes me feel like I'm not enough or good enough. His needs and desires do not take first place over a solid foundation.
But, now he keeps the EA's to where I can't see it. So he knows it's wrong but he won't stop.
I don't think I'm ever going to stop this.
Lol Once Again OW...
Submitted by kellyj on
I will again, respectfully take exception to the ADHD generalization but....this reminds me of my father in a very humorous way. It was a running joke to the point of being ridiculous! He was always on a diet so he cut out deserts. Whenever I had (anything) he wanted and couldn't have he would say "hey, let me have a bite of that." A bite was the best part including the cherry so to speak and it was usually as much as he could fit into his mouth at one time. Always....every time! To the point of me saying things like " "Hey!.. if you are going to eat half of mine anyway....get your own damn ice cream sundae" I take exception because I do not do this or never have but, it still was pretty funny in those moments because he never stopped doing it even when I called him on it and I did this in front of our family. It's totally shameless and disrespectful but...you don't have to sit back and do nothing and take it. Sometimes.....I just said to my father " NO WAY!" and it still was just as light and funny even for him since our whole family was in on it at the time. I think it's like he always had to see what he could get away with and push you to see how far you would let him.....all the time with everyone. Low be it if you tried this with him. In that case, he would be offended that you even tried. He was compelled!!
J
Learning to deal with it....Kansasry....
Submitted by c ur self on
(He consistently does things that are so inconsiderate and I swear half the time it’s not on purpose because he doesn't’t even try and hide it. It’s just like he can’t think thru his actions and even consider if I would be hurt or offended or upset by his actions. The only thing that matters is his wants and needs.)
Kansasry this statement of yours is the reality of many of our mates. Learning to deal with this behavior you have stated here in a positive way for us both has been key for my marriage, and my own peace of mind and spirit....
But, it is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do with another individual hands down, no contest...It has forced me into having to discipline my life and live my life like I have no wife much of the time. I was so angry because of the stated behaviors early on, so overwhelmed all I could do was be angry and try to get her to see that see was producing a chaotic life, a life void of sharing and caring about what my needs and the needs of our home were. I couldn't understand this at all early on, because my mind worked so differently. So I would question her about her actions, because I saw it as intentional, abusive, and intrusive, not to mention uncaring and unloving...:) And all she needed to do was be aware of her actions, my needs and concerns, you know me your husband..Ha Ha...And this would be easily corrected with just a little thinking about sharing our lives....Easy for me to say..LOL....
So as my anger and bitterness finally started subsiding, as the Father mercifully delivered me from this...I've been able to setback and just study her living of life...It's been and is an ongoing process...Because of what you stated....I have to respect her as an adult and love her, but, I have to expect her to live this childish type life, where she is void of certain convictions toward the responsibilities most wives feel about their husbands, and home.
If I point out to her something about her behaviors...Like her messes starting to pile up....even if I waited until I was frustrated and pointed it out in a sermon, she will tell me my problems even if she has to make it up. Anything to resist and deny....But, then she will get quiet for a few days. And start busying herself more...Then she will come up to me seeking affirmation for her progress....Just like a child....She has a way of breaking my heart when she is so proud of herself for staying focused a few days and accomplishing what must feel like the worst drudgery she could ever endure. She brought me an empty bottle today and explained to me that because it's dark, she could use it for something. But, then she said, but it's empty so you can throw it out. She set it on the table, unable to put it in the garbage can. (Like most things) so when she wasn't looking a few minutes later, i put the dang thing in a drawer....She's getting to me:)...She'll find it later, and come find me and want to have sex....LOL...Just wishful thinking...
She absolutely does not see or view life from the same perspective most do....I could go on and on about specifics...But, I know you know exactly what I'm saying....I've had to learn to not project my thinking onto her because she is as clueless about how I think, as I am about how she thinks....
She love's fellowship with our kids, our grand kids she is a happy person in a crowd of family...She craves it....She is happy with me also as long as the mood is mostly frivolity. Just don't get to a serious matter:) She cares way more deeply about how her two stepdaughters, (my biological children) view her than she does me...LOL...She has baggage and insecurities....But, don't we all:)
Blessings Kansasry...My wife will do things like your talking about concerning guy's from her past on Facebook etc....I use to care when we were fighting so much, how do you trust someone who lives like that??....We'll I can now. God is teaching me...Us...:)
A mind that can't rationalize between wise and unwise....A mind that lives void of convictions toward their responsibilities, A mind that see's life as a place for them to enjoy and never take serious...Must be a pleasant place to reside....But, it can be hell on the one's standing by catching the fallout...Unless! we learn to walk away with no opinion. Anyone mastered this??.....:)
You are very wise here. I
Submitted by Kansasry on
I understand you...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been sharing on this forum for over a year now....And there have been so many Kansasry and C ur self.....Once we get into a marriage like our's, not that you and I are not human with our own set of issues....But, as you stated above...We can reason, we can face the reality of what a day holds for us to sustain ourselves in a peaceful and responsible manner...Everyday is not full of drama filled emergencies, that is always somebody else's fault....and will always some how work around to costing us...LOL.
Add/adhd does not handicap a person....Denial and the refusal to face it does....My wife is working hard to try an be responsible these days...And believe me when I say it....It has taken great patients and love from me to get to this point....But, sadly my own issues prevented me from having this patients and love....I had to die....If Jesus didn't rescue me from my anger and bitterness. No way I'm still here....and no way she would still be here....
You know Kansasry I hate divorce, but, I also hate an unhealthy abusive relationship....Kansasry I believe there are some people who should always live single, they can handle their lifestyles...But others cannot.....The feeling of being abandoned and trapped is way worse than the feelings of loneliness. I've got friends and family to share time with....And I can get a date, or us to could;)....
Blessings
C