My husband displays sort of a strange dichotomy in his interpersonal relationships. He can get along with anyone when he wants to, can turn on the charm and (for lack of a better term) bullsh*t his way through any social interaction by appearing very friendly and agreeable. People who don't know him well think he is the nicest guy in the world. At the same time, he has a troubling history of conflict with friends and colleagues; more so than anyone else I've ever known. It seems like people just turn against him or reject him for no apparent reason, and he always comes out feeling victimized and wondering why he was treated so disrespectfully. While it often seems from the outside like he's done little to create the problem, it's happened enough times now that I'm pretty convinced he is contributing to it in some way. I just don't think it's normal to have this amount of conflict with others, no matter how much it seems like it's always their fault. He has a fairly aggressive personality once you get to know him, and a tendency to dominate conversations, and I'm starting to suspect that he just turns some people off after a while because he comes on too strong or seems argumentative/overbearing. Either that, or there is a tendency for major misunderstandings/miscommunications to happen in his relationships that lead to these conflicts. His reaction when these things happen is, predictably, to get very offended and lash out at the person in anger, which invariably makes the situation worse. The end result is that he has a chip on his shoulder from years of feeling unfairly wronged by other people, including family members. It also seems to have a negative effect on his ability to get ahead in life -- for example, he gave up on an academic program and subsequent career path because his professors seemed to dislike him/not want him to succeed. While I have sympathy for him, I also get very tired of being exposed to these interpersonal conflicts and their aftermath and can't help thinking that they're somehow avoidable.
Do others with ADHD partners see this type of pattern? My husband has not been diagnosed and refuses to get assessed. I wonder if this type of constant, perceived "victimization" is something that is typical with ADHD.