I am the non and hubs is untreated. Our 5 years together have been a struggle. He is a wonderful man but his impulsivity both in spending and behavior has been a problem. It is much better over the last few years than it was in the beginning. His lack of parenting to his children has created some difficult situations. His lack of attention to cleaning up after himself has been an expensive problem.
We had a big blow up last week that really involved his lack of parenting but he seems to feel that I expect unreasonable things out of his teens. BTW, both his kids are also untreated ADHD, one tested the other I can just see it. I ask that his kids participate in the housework, treat me respectfully and in general clean up after themselves. I realize that teens don't always do these things but given that I raised 2 myself, one of which was an untreated but very adaptable ADHD I don't think what I ask is outlandish. Anyway, the end result is that he has decided to go see a dr. about getting meds. But, he says that if the meds make him feel bad or don't seem to work he will quit taking them. He says that he will not go to any kind of counselor, coach or do anything else to treat his ADHD even if the drugs don't work. He says he is done because he has done all the work in our relationship and I'm unreasonable.
I have to admit that I have been carrying around a lot of anger. He has expected me to raise his kids but if I make rules and they don't follow them I can't withhold anything or ground them, basically meaning any rules I make are unenforceable. In the past, if his kids got upset about anything I did such as saying they couldn't go out to play until they had done their chores then he would scream at me for hours. This has made me a little gun shy about dealing with his kids. He has gotten much better about some of this stuff but it still is very hard for me to want to tell his kids to do anything. He says I'm unreasonable and childish because I won't put his behavior in the past (um, he just yelled at me last week for being unreasonable about expecting his kids to not be in the shower during the time I said I need to shower to get to work although he says that is because I told him instead of dealing with it myself. He told his kid that I was mean and negative but she'd better follow my rules so I don't fight with him.)
In the past he has spent money on impulsive purchases. We are financially struggling but he took some money I was holding for someone else and went and bought a piece of property. This money was entrusted to me as a trust fund sort of thing for my kids. He doesn't understand why I'm upset since he has meant to put it back and has repaid some of it. Again, I'm mean and negative. He just wanted to do something nice and since his intentions were good I should quit holding on to my anger.
This week, he has decided that while he needs to wake up by himself so he can manage to keep the job he has (yes there have been problems in the past). He has also decided since I won't parent his children the way he wants me too he needs to take over. Uh, ya, what have I been saying for 5 years? They are your children. They have a real mother and father. I am not it. I can help them do stuff and encourage them but it is not my job to be their only active parent. So he has woken up by himself for 4 days and he stayed on top of the kids to get them to do their chores and do them properly, not half way. He has taken the approach that since he has to do these things himself he is entitled to nearly rape me in the middle of the night. No consideration for my pleasure, just for him to get his. Again, I need to let go of my unreasonable anger because I'm not fun and happy so of course he doesn't want to have real sex with me.
Which brings me to this morning in which he said because I refuse to have fun with him he doesn't see a lot of reason to stay with me. I work 24 hours a week, live with the stress brought on by 3 ADHD people and go to school full time, 15 credit hours per quarter of 300 level classes. I wonder why I'm not a lot of fun anymore. He says I'm too negative and drag him and the kids down. The reality is I am angry at what he has done that affects me (I know that us codependents need to learn to not let what other do affect our lives but it is hard to live with someone who has their own special memory of conversations and events or perhaps lack of memory). Codependents are supposed to let others hurt themselves and not make it personal but that is hard when your house is trashed, your yard is trashed, almost every possession you own has been damaged, you have to pay many of the bills because your partner won't, etc etc. These things affect me whether I detach or not.
I just feel like I'm crazy. Logic says that a lot of our problems are caused by all the ADHD in our household but he tells me the real problem is me being so mean and not letting go of things. Since I've had problems in the past maybe that is true and he is absolutely right that I'm all the problem. He says he thinks I'm working up to having an affair with my boss. I really like my job and feel like I need to quit it now. I have no interest in my boss that way, he is a really nice, married guy. My job is non-emotional and while some would find it stressful I find it soothing and methodical.
Thank you for letting me vent. Many people think that I should just leave him because they don't really understand that severe ADHD is challenging in relationship. He is a wonderful man and is very generous when he is in the right frame of mind. We work well together in many aspects but we also seem to fight all the time. Neither of us likes it but the only way we don't fight is if I never bring up anything that is bothering me, never express a desire for anyone to do anything, but even then he sometimes gets upset because he thinks I'm thinking something. I do that some too but his can be pretty out of the blue. Mine seem to revolve around him yelling about something and then I feel like he's mad at me as opposed to just mad about something.