Am I ever going to get better?

It's been 7 months since ADHD became a topic with my husband. Probably 4 or 5 since he really started cracking down on amending his behaviors. And I have to give him credit. He's been diligent and consistent far beyond what I could have imagined. And I think that's great.

My problem is that I reached my absolute breaking point at Christmas (2021), and I can't seem to come back from it. I don’t feel like I'm holding a grudge, but change in behavior or not, I still just don't like him. I still don't want him around me. I can't ever just relax when he's around. The abuse I was aware of. But the more I become aware of the manipulation and complete lack of respect he consistently treated me with, the more disgusted I am with him for thinking that was ever ok, ADHD or not. I am disgusted with myself for being so stupid and not seeing it sooner. I am angry at myself that I stayed because, in the thick of his worst behaviors, I had a valid excuse to walk away. Now I feel obligated to stay because we know what we're dealing with and he is actually doing the work. But I feel so depressed and suffocated even with him acting right.

I haven't expressed much if any of this to him. He is doing so much self-flogging for his past mistakes right now that I can't bring myself to add to his guilt by sharing how I really feel. I try to always be kind and polite to him, but I'm standoffish when he wants physical affection from me. I can't force myself to fake it or even tolerate it anymore. I faked it for so many years just to placate him. I feel like I'm being "mean" just like he used to accuse me of, but "fake it til you make it" didn't work in this situation at all. So I just feel like a horrible person all the time now. Does this get better? Will I get better? Is it possible to fall for someone who treated you so terribly once they get it together and actually change?