It's been 7 months since ADHD became a topic with my husband. Probably 4 or 5 since he really started cracking down on amending his behaviors. And I have to give him credit. He's been diligent and consistent far beyond what I could have imagined. And I think that's great.
My problem is that I reached my absolute breaking point at Christmas (2021), and I can't seem to come back from it. I don’t feel like I'm holding a grudge, but change in behavior or not, I still just don't like him. I still don't want him around me. I can't ever just relax when he's around. The abuse I was aware of. But the more I become aware of the manipulation and complete lack of respect he consistently treated me with, the more disgusted I am with him for thinking that was ever ok, ADHD or not. I am disgusted with myself for being so stupid and not seeing it sooner. I am angry at myself that I stayed because, in the thick of his worst behaviors, I had a valid excuse to walk away. Now I feel obligated to stay because we know what we're dealing with and he is actually doing the work. But I feel so depressed and suffocated even with him acting right.
I haven't expressed much if any of this to him. He is doing so much self-flogging for his past mistakes right now that I can't bring myself to add to his guilt by sharing how I really feel. I try to always be kind and polite to him, but I'm standoffish when he wants physical affection from me. I can't force myself to fake it or even tolerate it anymore. I faked it for so many years just to placate him. I feel like I'm being "mean" just like he used to accuse me of, but "fake it til you make it" didn't work in this situation at all. So I just feel like a horrible person all the time now. Does this get better? Will I get better? Is it possible to fall for someone who treated you so terribly once they get it together and actually change?
Comments
It’s your choice
Marriage is a choice, not an obligation. If you feel dread when you know he's coming home, pay attention to those feelings. If you don't even like him any more, please don't deny those feelings. You don't owe him anything. My exBF tried too, but his efforts didn't last, so I broke up with him a second time for good. The second time was much harder, with more guilt trips and accusations of me "being mean" from him. Standing up for yourself is healthy... not mean. Denying your true feelings will only make you feel worse, and that is unhealthy. Take it from me... if the attraction and the trust is gone inside you, please honor those feelings and trust your gut. You deserve a HAPPY life, not just a muted and sad existence built on eggshells.
Everything sickandtired said
I think you have to be true to your own feelings. Maybe a therapist could help you talk through your feelings so you can get to the heart of what YOU actually want.
Sometimes change comes too late.
Healing does take time....
Help, some times we need time, some times we need something greater...I will pray for you....forgiveness isn't forgetting...I wish deliverance of mind, freedom, and great peace for you...
c
Ache for you
Saw this older post just now. I ache for you. I can relate.
If our feelings no longer matter, life is just a series of fakes. I don't know what to do about this either. It's overwhelming.
All my very best to you.
The struggle is real. I am
The struggle is real. I am so sorry you can understand this feeling, as well. It isn't always about ourselves and our own happiness. In my case it's about my kids - making sure they have a stable and happy home environment, and both their dad and I have maintained that. He's never mistreated them, so they only have the vaguest idea what I dealt with over the years behind closed doors. And I've never made it their business.
But yes. It feels like I've lost myself in keeping up appearances. In my situation, I'm afraid there is a thin line between protecting the people I love and lying to keep them all happy, and I'm not sure where it becomes actually wrong.
EAB
Protecting the others
I totally get that.
Isn't it strange that the kids have a wonderful father, the husband's family has an outstanding son, one's own family of origin has a delightful son in-law, while the non-ADHD wife is being eaten alive by the ADHD symptoms?
A big hug to you.