Am I really doing better?

Am I totally a idiot for not seeing what was going on for all these years? Can I really make up for all the damage that is done? Am I even truley getting better or is that just my way of trying to make myself feel better?  These are quesion's that  I have been fighting with for quite some time now and its a sad fact that a 38 year old man has his wife tell him she has no respect for him and that there marriage might end because not only the ADHD but me personally. I dont blame everything on my ADHD but I just found out 2 years ago or so That I had ADHD and no matter what I say or do the fact is that I have shaped my life aroud the ADHD and what I call Normal for so many years has made me not only look like a total heartless "SOB", But has made me feel like there is no way to show my wife that I am really doing my best and I dont intend to go back to being that person again.  To anyone who is going though these same things I feel for you and I pray that that not only God listen to your prayers But your spouse also.

Have you asked her if she

Have you asked her if she see's any improvment? While i know there is a big mental effort being made, Spouses without add, who have been hurt etc need to actually see tangible effort. perhaps writing a list of things that are tangible. "i will compliment  you more the way you need to be complimented" then when you do it, put a bullet point underneath it. "monday i told you that you looked radiant, And you still do!"

 

 

hmmm... compliments just make

hmmm... compliments just make me think he's trying to take advantage of me somehow... again. It's better when he stopped drinking his daily six pack, even though I know he could start that habit right back up at anytime... at least that is good for his health. If he could do something, anything, useful to actually lighten my load, that would be really nice. Something useful and consistent would be a comfort. I'm always grocery shopping, cooking dinner, washing dishes, doing laundry... he's always watching tv... not very helpful... man! am I beat!

I feel the same way you do

I feel the same way you do regarding the compliments.  My husband has never done much of that so when he does I know he is getting ready to ask me to help him out with many of the dilemas he gets himself into.  I also long for my husband to do something, anything useful to help with my load.  It doesn't happen very often.  He does grocery shop, with me, some but in the past I used this chore as an escape from my chaos and actually enjoyed going to get away from it all for a couple of hours.  Now, because he has a problem with being someplace for any length of time, it's in, get what we need, quick and out.  I would love for my husband to learn to do "anything" worth doing consistently.  I'm not sure this will ever happen.  He's been this way for a long time and I'm not sure he can change.         

Compliments are somthing that

Compliments are somthing that we spent a good 45 minutes on in couples counseling. When my husband would compliment me he'd tell me I looked 'cute'. I would say each and everytime "thank you, but could you say pretty instead? Kittens are cute, babies are cute. I want to be pretty to you". And each and every time, I'd be cute. Until we brought it up in therapy. and the therapist and he got into it about it wasn't about him. He didn't use the word pretty, never heard it growing up, never used it. It's just not a word he uses. But the therapist said it wasn't about him. it was about what I needed to hear to feel good about myself. Pretty was somthing I needed. He didn't understand that. He was complimenting me, wasn't that good enough? I said, It's wonderful that you compliment me. But i need to hear it said this way.  Since then he says "You look cute....I MEAN PRETTY! YOU LOOK PRETTY!". I know that it takes great effort for him to check himself midsentence and change what he says. It's a small change, and I know it's hard for him to do. And knowing that he took this little bit of info and has held to it that keeps me in our marriage. I know he's trying. I know this sounds small. But for us, this little tiny compliment issue is HUGE.